To be dreading telling my parents I am pregnant?

[1Wanda1]

I am not a teenager - I’m over 40!

Same sex relationship, married. I am 19 weeks pregnant with a very much wanted baby. I also have 2 older children from previous marriage (divorced years before meeting DW).

When I told parents that I was in love with a woman, they reacted very badly. When I told my mum we had just got engaged, her response was “Oh. You want to do THAT. Well, if that’s what floats your boat. I don’t really know what you expect me to say.” Before we got married, we told her we planned to have a baby. She said things like “Why? Wanda already has 2 children. I thought you were committed to your career? A child needs 2 parents. Meaning a father and a mother. Etc.” As a result, I never raised the subject again with her and didn’t tell her when we had IVF.

As background, when I had my first 2 DC I was married to a man, was financially secure and had a nice home. Even so, when I told her about each pregnancy she was not happy. Despite this, my parents are excellent grandparents.

I have to tell them this weekend. Along with being uncomfortable with the concept of a baby born to same-sex parents, my mum is going to be upset that she is “the last to know”. The main reason I haven’t told her sooner is because I can’t cope with how the conversation is going to go. I love them, even if they do struggle with my “lifestyle choice” (as they see it). Unfortunately my natural response is to become defensive and argumentative when my mum makes judgemental comments.

Any tips on how to drop the baby bomb without ending up feeling obliged to argue against statements like “it’s not fair on the child”? I really want to avoid a row.

Well done for telling her.

@Confusedbeetle what's extreme about putting boundaries in place with someone who is judgmental, unkind and makes you feel guilty, anxious and unhappy? I have shared parts of my "story" as an illustration to the OP that I have been through similar, so am not dispensing gratuitous advice with no direct experience.

Well done for telling her! I hope it all goes smoothly tomorrow x

I didnt tell my mum till 36 weeks as similar reasons and the right moment kept passing. Caused me SO much stress. My mum was so sad I didnt tell her sooner :(

Well done xxx

DB mentioned that she'd told him that we were trying, so obviously she related the content of the only conversation I ever had with her about it, to him, but never asked me anything about it ever again.

He said that (amongst other objections), the lack of genetic connection was a thing for DM. I wonder how she would feel if I was adopting a baby instead?

Well done!! X

Hi congrats op and best of luck. I think parents like these are joy stealers. For every occasion, every piece of good news, their reaction and worries about what their reaction will be, diminishes the enjoyment of it. For every bad event, their reaction and worries about their reaction makes it worse.

I've no advice, have same situation and am in mid 50s, and it hasn't got better. Except I just ignore, tho it hurts and withdraw when I feel like it.

Anyway, best wishes with your baby

And if your bro met a woman who already had a young child he took on as his own?? Genetics, shmetics. That's your baby regardless. Congrats Wanda

Tell them you are going to emigrate and cant decide on Australia, Nigeria or Greenland. Then tell them you are pregnant. helpful

Hi, I'm also in a same sex marriage. When I fell pregnant after IUI treatment, I was so worried about telling my mum. She wasn't particularly overjoyed when I previously told her I was getting married. I took a copy of our scan picture and I said to her "I have something to tell you & I don't want to fall out with you" and I handed her the picture. She said she was surprised but happy.

I think ultimately, it's your life. If they aren't happy for you, as much as it hurts, that's their problem.

Congratulations & lots of luck!!!

Congratulations, who cares what journey a child took to arrive and what genes they have, a baby is the most wonderful 'gift' (I'm not religious AT ALL) of nature - and in your 40's you're probably not thinking of many more, if any, so perhaps some tears of joy would be more appropriate! Plus the added rider that the baby comes with zero issues on him/her so allow them to grow and carve their own route without judgment from your closest family
Good luck! Hope the time she's had to digest means she'll reflect better that before

Sent DM a text this morning about something totally unrelated. She replied ending "see you later! X", which, coupled with the absence of any texts saying anything negative after our conversation yesterday, is definitely her "trying". I know she and my dad aren't happy about this - and in fact have obviously been hoping that if we were having IVF, it wouldn't work - but at least nothing negative has been said (so far).

Going there this afternoon so I hope it's ok!

Good luck!! At least they're trying xx

Congratulations on your pregnancy and well done for being able to tell your mum before your visit. You know your mum, whereas we don’t, so if you think she is trying to be nice, then I would accept that as a good thing and be prepared to not bring up the subject this weekend and wait to see if she does.

Good luck, at least your mum appears to be trying, that counts for something.

Fingers crossed it's going OK OP.

D'you know i was thinking about this thread last night - and i remembered i was even nervous about telling my parents when we got a dog!! Ridiculous isn't it?

It is going well! Got a nice text from my mum on the way here saying if this is what you both want then great news and we are pleased for you. They've both been very nice since we arrived, so I think whatever negative emotions there may be, they've been offloaded onto other people.

It was definitely the right thing to do the phone call yesterday - gave them a chance to get used to the idea. Thank you all for your help!

Congratulations OP!!

That's great news. Grandchildren often build bridges and bring families closer together. I hope this is true in your case.

Brilliant

That's great news OP. Hopefully it will also help you to feel a bit more confident about not having to follow what they want all the time (i.. in terms of methods of communication etc.).

Hope things continue to go well and that you have a happy and healthy pregnancy

Congratulations! I’m so pleased that your announcement went well 😊. Enjoy x

My parents have never been delighted by pregnancy news. When my first was born my mum couldn’t come to see me as she had to look after the dog!
I’m now pregnant with no3 and my mum keeps telling me this better be the last one. We want 4,

Congratulations