To be dreading telling my parents I am pregnant?

[1Wanda1]

I am not a teenager - I’m over 40!

Same sex relationship, married. I am 19 weeks pregnant with a very much wanted baby. I also have 2 older children from previous marriage (divorced years before meeting DW).

When I told parents that I was in love with a woman, they reacted very badly. When I told my mum we had just got engaged, her response was “Oh. You want to do THAT. Well, if that’s what floats your boat. I don’t really know what you expect me to say.” Before we got married, we told her we planned to have a baby. She said things like “Why? Wanda already has 2 children. I thought you were committed to your career? A child needs 2 parents. Meaning a father and a mother. Etc.” As a result, I never raised the subject again with her and didn’t tell her when we had IVF.

As background, when I had my first 2 DC I was married to a man, was financially secure and had a nice home. Even so, when I told her about each pregnancy she was not happy. Despite this, my parents are excellent grandparents.

I have to tell them this weekend. Along with being uncomfortable with the concept of a baby born to same-sex parents, my mum is going to be upset that she is “the last to know”. The main reason I haven’t told her sooner is because I can’t cope with how the conversation is going to go. I love them, even if they do struggle with my “lifestyle choice” (as they see it). Unfortunately my natural response is to become defensive and argumentative when my mum makes judgemental comments.

Any tips on how to drop the baby bomb without ending up feeling obliged to argue against statements like “it’s not fair on the child”? I really want to avoid a row.

Firstly congrats.

Second, just say it a matter of fact way. "Mum and Dad, I'm pregnant. Just thought you should know." Then chance the subject.

That should shut down any negative comments, if you make it clear you dont want to hear them.

If she is negative tell her “if you react this way when I tell you good news, I will stop telling you things.”

My mum's take on this would be "you don't like hearing the truth". And that she speaks the truth and if I can't accept it as such, it's because I am wrong.

This is used as a cover for being a bullying cow - sorry, but it is. Who is she to decide what is true and what's not? What qualifies her to speak with such authority?

Let me guess, she's said this to you previously in response to you trying to push back - and when you do she doesn't like it and accuses you of being defensive and refusing to see the truth? She bulldozes her way over your feelings and objections to get her own way, because she cannot ever be wrong. Even if something that she doesn't like happens as a direct consequence of her behaviour, it's still someone else's fault. She sees you as an extension of her, rather than a person in your own right. Therefore if you deviate from what she would do then she's going to react badly.

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. It's the only thing that will stop this from spreading into your life and making you feel like shit (either this or going NC). Really do go and see a counsellor. I'm still seeing mine and my only regret is not starting it years ago, because I could have saved myself a lot of guilt, anguish and tears. Ironically I have a much better familial relationship now because the boundaries have been - grudgingly - acknowledged and they know that if they refuse to respect them, that I will go NC.

Personally I would go with the phone call first, if her reaction is extreme, cue weeping and wailing, then at least you aren't there to witness the drama and can hang up. Plus it gives them a chance to digest it so they can work through their feelings before seeing you and DW in person. This baby is wanted and loved and you arenlt asking for their opinions on whether or not it should exist, that's the point that I would try to get across.

I would be very brief. Obviously they will take it badly so brace yourself and get it over with.Dont engage in any negative conversation. They struggle with your choices as many do. Try to avoid a slanging match

I had an accidental 4th pregnancy when I was pushing 40 and already had 3 DC. I just sent an e mail telling my family I was dealing with emotions myself and wasn’t interested in any negativity and they could contact me only when they could be supportive and had positive things to say. It did the trick.

Resistance is necessary.. your post is a little extreme. You dont know these people. Sounds like you are just telling your own story. If relationships are to be improved this will not help

Congratulations!

Ummm, at 20 weeks, unless you shout your carefully thought out announcement through the car window as you pull up, won’t it be obvious before you have finished saying ‘hello’?

Even if something that she doesn't like happens as a direct consequence of her behaviour, it's still someone else's fault

This happens all the time. It's not just me. Has recently happened with my SIL. SIL is a volatile and difficult character, which DM knows, but DM still can't stop herself from voicing her opinions about SIL's parenting, behaviour in her relationship with DB, etc. So now DM hasn't seen my nephew for about 6 weeks and is desperate to see him but can't bring herself to "apologise".

KnotsInMay yes it is getting to that stage! Though, I am wearing fairly loose clothing and I don't think people can really tell, unless they know. I told a colleague at work this week and he was genuinely surprised.

Well you know what she's like and what her reaction will be no matter how you tell her.

I'd be tempted not to say anything at all. When she comments on your bump say 'yes, I am pregnant, but since you're never happy about my pregnancies I'd rather not discuss it.'

TBH I think going for a night is a mistake. Sweet and short might be a better plan. How about a cup of tea?

Congratulations op. I think the idea of a phone call first is a good one.
But be clear that you are happy and they are to be at least polite.
I hope it goes well.

I have a wife, am pregnant and have a very difficult mother (in a different way to yours and nothing to do with my ‘lifestyle’).
It sounds like you are looking for a perfect way to tell her that will improve her reaction. However, I suspect her reaction will be similarly awful however you say it. For example, if you tell her in a letter she’ll complain about it, but if you tell her on the phone she’ll complain about the lack of forewarning. So focus on the way it feels best to you. If you would prefer not to be at their house, call them.
Don’t add any hopes that they will be happy for you, let it be enough that you are happy.
Block them after the first offensive text.
You might want to decide where your limits are. For example, I don’t want my child who isn’t genetically related to me being told by my mother that she isn’t really her grandmother or being treated differently from the genetically related child. If my mother does anything like this, we won’t be in touch any more.
My DW’s family is also much easier going than mine, although I’m not close to my MiL, and my mother has had an obsession since I was 18 that I would replace her with a partner’s mother (completely unfounded) so she’s extremely sensitive about what my DW’s family knows. I just say I’ve got no idea what they talk about.

Sympathies, my parents were always like this - they honestly didn't understand that my life was not about them, that I'm an individual in my own right.

Sounds like nothing you do will be right, your mum will find a way to make you wrong. If/when she starts up on being the last to know, ask her to consider if maybe there's a reason you can't tell her things early on, that her reaction being negative is not what you're prepared to listen to, that it isn't going to change anything but will damage your relationship with each other.

I thought Goatwithacoat's message sounds promising?

Look, whatever you say and however carefully you word it, they are going to be negative. Just steel yourself for the negative reaction you are bound to get, however you phrase it. Keep it simple and stay calm. A phone call first sounds like a good idea. Will save you a trip if it goes spectacularly pear shaped!

I was in a similar situation with my dm when I was 29. I told her by text when I was 6 months pg!

Maybe you could preface it by saying:

'I've got something to tell you and before I do I just want you to remember that you only ever get one chance to react to something, and then that's the way you reacted forever. I'm pregnant and you're going to be a grandparent again'.

It's quite challenging - it's like saying 'Go on then, so what's your first reaction to your new grandchild going to be?'

It also gives you scope that any negative reaction you can counter with 'I'm really sad that that's the first reaction you chose to your new grandchild. I think in the years to come when you grow to love this little person you're going to regret that'.

Congratulations OP.
I'm not sure how she's going to react however you tell her but don't dwell on it too much. Enjoy your pregnancy and your wife. This is a happy time. You have nothing to feel bad about and stress is bad for baby. I can't believe people still go on like this (no offence to your DM)

Hi Damesylviekrin - I remember you from one of the post-IVF boards we have both been on. You must be close to having your baby by now? I hope all is well.

A whole related issue, which you touch on in your post, is what/how much info to tell DM about the genesis of our baby. We have used DW's eggs and a sperm donor with me as the carrier. In our previous conversation with DM about the possibility of a baby, we told her we'd like to do it this way. She saw this as a self-indulgent and unnatural manipulation of nature: "If DW wants a baby of her own, why doesn't she just have it?"we are so excited to be having a baby that we will both have a connection to. Neither of my parents are going to see it like this.

This thread has definitely brought me round to the idea of a phone call later today and then see how we feel about going tomorrow.

hooveringhamabeads how did it go with your DM after the text?

show her the scan picture as you tell her, this might help as the reality and excitement of a new person to love in her life should be bigger than her homophobia

Despacitoincognito I quite like your message, though it is confrontational. I genuinely don't know whether the best way to shut down any negative reaction is to go on the offensive like that, or stick to the "we're so happy, this is wonderful news" line and just respond to any negative comment with a "I don't expect you to be happy now but I'm sure you'll love your new grandchild when she arrives."

Do you really want to go into detail about whose egg etc? I really wouldn’t.
A friend of mine in a same-sex relationship said relative strangers would ask if she’d had sex with the sperm-donor - this isn’t too far off. IMO how a baby is conceived is as private as your sex-life, which presumably you don’t share with DM.
Maybe your script for that is: ‘Mum, do you REALLY want to know about our sex-life?’

Definitely phone today so she has plenty of time to digest the news before you see her.

If she reacts negatively you can just put down the phone if needed. If she reacts negatively in person it's much harder.

Phone her and say " I've got some news to tell you tomorrow. Please think carefully about reacting positively because your reaction will affect how much I tell you in the future"

If she tries to get into a discussion about it then tinkly laugh "You'll have to wait till tomorrow won't you. Looking forward to it. See you soon"