To be dreading telling my parents I am pregnant?

[1Wanda1]

I am not a teenager - I’m over 40!

Same sex relationship, married. I am 19 weeks pregnant with a very much wanted baby. I also have 2 older children from previous marriage (divorced years before meeting DW).

When I told parents that I was in love with a woman, they reacted very badly. When I told my mum we had just got engaged, her response was “Oh. You want to do THAT. Well, if that’s what floats your boat. I don’t really know what you expect me to say.” Before we got married, we told her we planned to have a baby. She said things like “Why? Wanda already has 2 children. I thought you were committed to your career? A child needs 2 parents. Meaning a father and a mother. Etc.” As a result, I never raised the subject again with her and didn’t tell her when we had IVF.

As background, when I had my first 2 DC I was married to a man, was financially secure and had a nice home. Even so, when I told her about each pregnancy she was not happy. Despite this, my parents are excellent grandparents.

I have to tell them this weekend. Along with being uncomfortable with the concept of a baby born to same-sex parents, my mum is going to be upset that she is “the last to know”. The main reason I haven’t told her sooner is because I can’t cope with how the conversation is going to go. I love them, even if they do struggle with my “lifestyle choice” (as they see it). Unfortunately my natural response is to become defensive and argumentative when my mum makes judgemental comments.

Any tips on how to drop the baby bomb without ending up feeling obliged to argue against statements like “it’s not fair on the child”? I really want to avoid a row.

Allfednonedead if I could, I would probably not go into the mechanics of whose egg etc. However, DW is a different ethnicity to me so it will be very obvious as soon as the baby is born. Of course, we could have chosen a sperm donor of that ethnicity, but DW's family all know exactly how we've done it and as my parents and DW's do occasionally meet, it will become very difficult expecting it not to arise in conversation once the baby is here. I can't ask DW's family to lie about this, and if my mum is going to know, I may as well just tell her now rather than save up "another thing we were the last to know about".

Ignoramusgiganticus if I were to put my mum on notice like that, I would get no peace until I arrived tomorrow! She would be texting and calling continually until I just told her the news.

I am going to do the call later. Just need the morning to psych myself up to it. It's a shame you can't take Valium in pregnancy. I will have to practise my lines instead.

Good luck OP and, for what it's worth, by this time tomorrow it will be all over and at least you'll know what you're up against.

And, of course, congratulations

I like leighdinglady's advice. Be direct and positive, acknowledge if they say they're unhappy but don't engage with it and don't take it on board. Your previous experiences suggests that they're going to love the baby when it comes...and that their words are harsher than their actions.

Congratulations on the babe and I hope your mum doesn't overreact too badly. I wish your mum/parents were more accepting xxx

Definitely don't tell her how the baby was conceived. Then she won't know if she's the 'real' grandmother.

First things first - congratulations.

It sounds to me like you are stressing over nothing. Your parents are Negative Nellies. And NN's could such the joy out of a sugar sprinkled unicorn on a hot day at the beach. Negative is their default mode.

You told them about your previous pregnancies and they weren't happy but turned out to.be excellent grandparents. You told you Father you were engaged and he said don't expect me to attend and yet he did.

Tell them, rip the plaster off, know there will be a spot of pearl clutching and comments. Don't go into detail, people rately inderstand the small print of IVF. I dont know how many times I explained to my mum that my IVF twins are not a result of twins running through the family. Stick to the we are so happy, we are overjoyed. Take the comments on the chin but know deepndown they will be a great grandparents to this baby as well.

Apologies. Just read your update.

I'd definitely tell her on the phone before you go, so she has time to react and digest the news. If you tell her face to face in her own home and you're staying overnight, she'll feel that she has no space or privacy to digest it and it would be very awkward.

Good luck. And congratulations.

Good post from @KC225. Many congratulations OP🌺
Keep the conversation short, don't invite questions, do be overjoyed, don't leave room for any negativity. If she is really nasty, then Id put the stay off, for another day. Hope it goes well.

I think the northern expression is "can't do right for wrong".

She makes your life a misery and spoils it when you tell her good news and you think she will go mad for being the last to know.

I think you need to work on telling her things and not giving a shit what she thinks. Your happiness is more important than her opinion.

First of all congratulations to you and your wife. The most important thing is your health and wellbeing and that of your unborn child. I think a telephone call in advance is a good idea and then you can decide if it is a good idea to visit this weekend or not. Take care of yourself and remember that we are all here for you to "talk" to whatever the outcome. Also your wife's family sound lovely, make the most of their support if your own parents cannot bring themselves to be there for you.

I agree that a phone call first is good so that you are distant from it and can be prepared for any reaction. However, I would just walk away from any negative comments.

When we told XMIL that I was pregnant, she said "oh you're not are you, what are you going to do?" I was 35, happily married (then) and both had full time jobs and a nice house!

I wish that I had replied "well we are pleased about it, it is a shame you aren't, we have to go now and tell everyone else who will be happy for us". But I didn't want to upset XH at the time, so just gaped at her!

If I could do it again, I would have shut down the negativity. If they can't be happy for you, then you don't need to be around them.

I'm in a same sex relationship. My parents didn't speak to me for weeks after I told them and the first conversation I had with my mum after that began with her words "you know you're going to hell don't you?"....
She cried when I told her we were having a civil partnership service and they both refused to come.....
I have warned her that we are looking at having a child and she just said "I thought you might".
It's funny though, because she was quite happy to live in our house for 7 months when she had nowhere else to go!!!!

God BlueUggs I am sorry. It's just so crushing, isn't it?

It has taken me most of my adult life to get to a point where I can see, objectively, that a lot of the things my mum says are just unreasonable. Since meeting DW I am much less affected by it, but I don't think I'll ever be able to detach entirely - because ultimately I really love my parents and I want a relationship with them.

But some of the things my mum says and does, you really couldn't make up!

Why bother at all? You can't win anyway? you are expecting them to change and they won't, so stop trying.

Stop expecting anything from them and they won't disappoint, but looking for approval (which all this anguish etc is) is allowing them occasion after occasion to hurt you.

Leave them OUT of the loop. it'll send them a strong message that if they can't be happy for you, they don't have the place in your life that they think they do.

Congrats on your baby to be, congrats on finding someone who makes you happy, the best gift you can give yourself is to live happy, and focus all those who ADD to your life, not feel crap about living it.

Ultimately you may need to entertain the idea that they are not friends of your happiness and therefore let them be the people they are, but just don't allow them full and free access to you.

agree with sprinkles, shut down the negativity and ideally don't even give an opportunity for them to express it.

I can second the poster who said people will ask point blank 'how' you got pregnant. My close friends know, and the randoms at work and down the pub get short thrift! One guy at work asked me about 5 times till I asked him what position he and his DW were in when they conceived, did he remember, cos I heard that doggy style work well for TTC. That gave him pause for thought...

After mentally preparing for the call for an hour, planning exactly what to say and in what time of voice, I called DM and had a brief exchange in which she said she couldn't talk as someone had just arrived, and she would be free again in about an hour.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

We're a 2 mum family, with a DS. My DPs parents reacted positively to the news that we were having a baby, but they were disappointed it was me that was pregnant, not DP. I was quite cross about it for most of my pregnancy, but when DS was born, everyone fell in love with him and no one has mentioned the genetics, or treated him as anything other than a beloved grandson.
I really, really hope this is what happens in your case.

Well done for psyching yourself up to call, how annoying that you're going to have to wait another hour! Good luck for the conversation, when it happens.

After mentally preparing for the call for an hour, planning exactly what to say and in what time of voice, I called DM and had a brief exchange in which she said she couldn't talk

oh isn't that always the way!?

IME you sometimes feel less anxious on the second attempt at something. Chill out and watch something funny or have a nice shower.
Good luck in an hour x

Thanks both. I just need to get it done!

I'll update later.

Thoughts with you OP - I wouldn't go into detail unless necessary. I know in the future when myself and my husband have children people are going to ask whose sperm we used but we won't be telling them!

I hope your mum gets her head out of her arse.

I called back, agreed what time we are going tomorrow, then said the reason we especially wanted to go was that we had some very exciting news! Response (delivered in a flat monotone): "Oh". I continued "I'm pregnant!" That got an "I see. What do the DC think?" I said "we're all very happy!" DM said, again in a flat monotone "well then everyone's happy. Great."

Weirdly, I know that this is DM trying to be nice, by not saying expressly what she actually thinks. I would almost prefer it if she did, as now I am worrying about what she (and my dad) will be like tomorrow.

Well done! I guess that's about as good as can be expected. What a mood Hoover though. Good luck for tomorrow.

Yes about as good as could be expected. DB said he's been bombarded with texts. Weirdly I haven't (yet).

Well done for getting it done. Just shut down any blah off them tomorrow with well we are all thrilled by the news