To be fucking sick of domestic violence and men abusing women?

[Frouby]

I know I am not BU. But am venting on here to let off steam.

Last weekend there was a horrible incident on our estate. I don't want to give details as it's an active case. But after years of abuse a woman is in hospital after very nearly being murdered by her exp.

My dsis is currently being emotionally, financially and physically abused by her husband. They have been seperated for a couple of years now but have an on/off relationship. 2 weeks ago he broke her nose. This week he has smashed her car up, smashed her windows (again), taken her house and car keys and his childs bike. She has been staying either with her grown up dd or my mams. Her 10 year old has autism. He isn't coping very well with the upset. His father is using him to get to his mother.

Day after fucking day I read stories like this on mn. I see my sisters being abused by men. I saw my mum abused by my stepfather. My aunties ex husband commited bigamy, left her bankrupt and homeless. My friend has an on/off boyfriend who is a drug addict and she is almost bankrupt as he has financially crippled her for years.

I shouted at my dsis tonight. Told her if she didn't report his latest cunts trick to the police herself I would be doing it to SS. That she needs to do something to stop the absolute fucking bastard she married from making hers and her ds and her grown dd who has a newborn from living their lives around that piece of shit.

She says they won't do anything. I suspect that she is right.

My mum ended up homeless for 10 minths with 6 dcs when she finally left my step dad. He kept the family home by terrorising her into not fighting for it.

Am just absolutely fucking sick of men abusing women and getting away with it. Why? If I walked up to a stranger and broke their nose I would probably do time. If I broke into someones house, smashed their car up and stole property I would do time.

My other dsis was held for 3 hours by her ex at knife point and threatened with being raped and her throat cut. He got a 2 years suspended sentence and an anger management course. It's a fucking absolute disgrace.

Why are these crimes against women not taken seriously because they are crimes by partners or former partners? I just don't get it.

wonders what if anything you've heard on here.

Coercive control is the law of dv and it does recognise the gendered nature of dv, be ause there will be more women than men able to use it.

Stop telling women to be better educated and get all the abusers out of the poor families that suffer under them then support and educate how to recover!

Domestic violence is seen as unimportant. And it needs to change.

The sheer number of women, and their children, who are abused by the men who are meant to love and care for them is sickening. The minimisation of the abuser's actions is disgusting. It is NOT the fault of anyone but the abuser.

No ifs, no buts, no maybes. There is nothing that can ever justify physical violence towards another person.

A man in Australia has just been convicted after drawing a giant penis on the memorial of Eurydice Dixon, a young comedienne who was raped and murdered. He did this a few days after her death, "to protest for men's rights". This is toxic Male entitlement and the "what about the menz" crowd just feed them heir fucking cookies to the point they believe they are actually more oppressed than a dead woman

Let's make sure we also point out that he said "man didn't murder Eurydice Dixon, autism did" because her killer is autistic. And he also said that vaccines caused the autism which killed her. So a rape apologist, a murder apologist and wanker, in one.

It's horrible. It's all too common. I've went through it myself and witnessed others go through it also. Wether it be physical or emotional, too many men take advantage of their physical strength and try and control women.

Everyday you read multiple stories about a woman being abused or murdered by yet another man.

"Day after fucking day I read stories like this on mn. I see my sisters being abused by men. I saw my mum abused by my stepfather."

Yet people like the OP always fail to join up the dots.

Her mother was a poor judge of male character and seems to have gone from one abusive man to next.

Why is anyone surprised that her sisters ended up with similar bastards?

The unspoken truth on faux-lefty, faux-feminist, Mumsnet is that many of these women are not just 'victims', they are also 'enablers'. They set appalling examples to their daughters who, in turn, follow the same predictable relationship paths leading lives on benefits and council estates. The cycle then repeats itself.

But blue

It’s statistically proven that male abusers come from

Every race
Every class
Every country !

It’s not all ‘Nil by Mouth’

I do agree that to some extent abuse filters down and that the damage is far reaching . But to blame it solely on the women who stay is unfair

I look at my children and wonder which of their generation will go into do this

I do think education is key . It’s easier to have one fantastic school than 120 fantastic families . But we need to invest in it and right now it’s not seen as being important enough

We are conditioned to Marry /couple
Up and to reproduce . It’s often too late when women are trapped do they realise what’s happened

That's what I said Blue, but the OP said it nothing to do with their upbringing. It's sad but she can't see it.

We need to look at Why Don't Women Leave? At the first signs of abuse get out. But they don't. They get battered, the Police come, she's goes to the Refuge and BAM, back with the wife beater.

You are the reason they don't escape!

It makes me sick that you can't see you are blaming women continually who make men abusers.
WTAF
So by your reckoning you can control these abusers then and society at large have no influence on outcomes, no wonder none of us got the memo about women's rights and what the hell are they.

Truly shocked to hear other women still blaming women.
Women groomed by patriarchal society look how effective it is, making poor men abusive.
And the stats just don't bear out what you say atall, there isn't conclusive data one way or the other about your chances of being abused [as a woman, from healthy or toxic c'hood]

I'm sorry but saying appalling things like '...why women don't leave..' I thought were so old school not to mention offensive as opposed to why men are not pulled out of those homes and given proper heavy duty never do that again consequences for once.

Stop using such a simple easy word as 'leave'. You should know it takes a lot of safety planning to make sure a woman [and child(ren)] manage to escapewith their lives, limbs and brains in tact.

"A man in Australia has just been convicted after drawing a giant penis on the memorial of Eurydice Dixon, a young comedienne who was raped and murdered. He did this a few days after her death, "to protest for men's rights"

This really upset me when I read it on the thread the other day.

He should have gone to prison IMO.

Yes I also disagree that it is:

Up to women to use their inbuilt natural woman-radar that will alert them immedaitely if a man is going to be abusive down the line, WHY some stupid women switch off their psychic abilities in this area is beyond me, they obviosuly like it really

Why do women have to understand, analyse, process, read around, get to grips with a difficult upbringing that might make them more vulnerable to abusers SORRY might make them deliberately seek out men who are going to make their lives hell?
Why aren't men who are the ones doing the abuse apparently for teh same reasons, also mentioned?

Surely having a shit childhood and being vulnerable is less of an issue to society at large than havign a shit childhood that (apparently) makes you unable to help yourslef being angry / controlling / violent / stalky / murderous?

I'd say again that the girl getting her head kicked in deserves more sympathy than the boy who is kickign her head in but we do seem to have a lot of "poor men poor boys beign forced to sexually abuse, beat" etc etc on this thread.

I think the posters who post stuff like that are very sexist.

They see male violence as inevitable, men as irredeemable. If a man has a bad childhood OBVIOSLY he will go on to knock 7 shades of shit out of his partners, so it is up to women to avoid him, even if he seems completely normal for a long period at the start of relationships...

As ever women being told to take responsibility for the behaviour of men.

I agree with PP >> proper punishments, put violent men in prison where they can't harm the public. Loads of men who go on to much larger more public atrocities start with DV. It needs to be taken mroe seriosuly if not for the women and children who live with them, then maybe becasue down the line it might affect the public & OMG other men.

I can't handle it anymore. There was one point where a young local girl had killed herself, there were at least 3 stories in the papers where men has sexually abused and murdered women and children and a programme on Netflix called mindhunter, where the FBI where trying to get into the head of a killer who had chopped off his mum's head and sexually assaulted her.

It was all too much for me at the time and I am SICK of it and I just don't know what to do or what I can do to help.

That was my peak moment I think and I have really never felt the same since.

The law needs to change. And sorry to derail, but all the self ID stuff has added to the upset of women being told how they should be treated by men.

Anyone that comes on this thread saying we need to work on making women leave (instead of give the abusive male perp the consequences for a change) simply isn't understanding dv at all, is totally missing the point.

Ever wondered why women spend their lives being battered, their entire lives, you think they are not destroyed totally (if not killed) and that somehow they have any control in this situation?

Well, when women face the kinds of comments being posted on here is why, being told that, is destroying to someone who's being abused.

I hate to say it but its reduced me to tears and I fucking sick of people, women, who can't just listen and hear other women but have to push and push, because they work in DV or avoid ultimate consequences for men

I once saw someone describe domestic abuse as a slowly dripping tap. You know the kind of drip you don't notice until it's already driving you mad? It's a good analogy, I think.

Abusive men don't rock up to a woman and say, "Hey, fancy a date. Oh, and by the way, I plan on finically and emotionally abusing you within a few years, probably once your pregnant with my kid. If you take that well, I might start punching and raping you, is that okay with you?"

Abusive men are charming, kind, generous. They literally cannot do enough for you. Their victims are made to feel like a million dollars. And then it starts. A backhanded compliment here or there. Did they mean to be so rude? You start to question yourself, they're so nice why did they say that? They can't have meant it the way it came across. And then you question them. They're so embarrassed. Of course they didn't mean like it that. They love you, why would they say that to you? They hug you and tell you they're sorry. They hate themselves. You feel bad for even mentioning it but all those backhanded compliments stay with you, slowly eroding your confidence, but it's okay because he didn't mean it.

And then it continues. The backhanded compliments and sly digs ramp up. You come down in your favorite dress ready for a night out with your friends.
"You're not wearing that, are you?" They ask.
"What, why?"
"No, never mind. Sorry, I shouldn't have said anything. You look... nice."
You change. You feel like shit all night. The next time you try to plan it a night out he's suddenly called away to do something important and can't mind the kids. You cancel on your friends. Eventually, they stop inviting you out because you're either miserable or you cancel.

You're alone with him now.
"Wouldn't it be nice," he says, "if we could go on holiday? Why don't we have a joint account? Then I can help you save up? I know you're rubbish with money but it's okay. I'll help you."
Or maybe you work and he offers to take a better job so you can be a SAHM. The child benefits go to his account, so he can help you save.

You're alone with him. He has all the money. You have a child. You have no confidence. Now, the abuse really starts.

Some abusive men are like that. Many are not. There are several women I know in abusive relationships with barely literate, antisocial criminal offenders with hardly any social skills and no redeeming features where it was apparent really early on.

I'm always surprised they can get any woman to be in a relationship with them full stop, let alone endure their violence, abuse, cheating and everything else.

I will tell you about my stepfather to try and explain why abusers find vulnerable women.

He is from an upper middle class background. His family are from Devon (we live in s York's where my mother was from) and were very rich and very posh. His mothers house was a 3 storey country house set in 3 acres of land, his father a landowner.

He went to university. Very well educated. When my mother met him when she was 22 he would have been very glamourous. Her father and brothers worked in the steelworks. She had me as a single parent in the 70s. My own father was apparently a bit of a hippy and went to live in a commune. I was about 6 months old when they met.

He is a very intelligent man. Very charming, well read, well educated. They got married in 1979 and had my dsis in 80, then my next sister in 83. All was well.

Then he wanted to move back down south to take over one of the tenant farms his family owned. And that is when the abuse started. My mum had no one, 3 small dcs, family miles away living on an isolated farm without a landline or even a phone box.

She left him for the first time when I was about 7 I think. Moved back north. Was living in a council house on benefits with 3 small kids. He came back, promised to change, she had him back, he worked as a salesman, earnt a fuckton of money. He wanted a son, her coil failed and was removed, she couldn't take the pill due to migraines and she fell pregnant again. The abuse cycle started again.

Now she had 4 dcs. We moved away again for his job, she was again isolated in a littlw cottage. 2 more sisters came. The abuse continued. She had nowhere to go, 6 dcs, no money, no way of earning money. Every time she left he got SS involved. He was pretty high up in a medical role (psychiatric nursing) by this point. The professionals believed him over my mother. He is extremely clever and very good at charming people. He is as far from the stereo typical wife beater that you can imagine. He used my mothers insecurity about a home or us growing up in poverty on a sink estate against her. To get her back a final time he bought a massive house in a naice area and basically said he would take my siblings from her to live in this house instead of the council house on a shitty estate as he no longer needed to work due to his inheritance. So could provide the care and could offer them financial stability she couldn't.

He knew he had won then. And the abuse continued. My mothers parents were in ill health by then, her siblings had their own dcs and no space for 6 of us plus mum.

He had a mental breakdown, was an alcoholic. He was committed for 3 months. Was diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic but not classed as a risk to us as long as he took his meds. He continued to abuse my mother, and verbally/emotionally abuse us.

She left the first time he tried to physically abuse one of us. Was my dsis who fortunately for her was quicker than him at running and he couldn't catch her. My mother locked the door, phoned the police and we never went back. We lived at my aunts house for months on blow up beds. I was lucky enough to be able to move in with a friend virtually. I was 17 by now and for years hated that my mum didn't leave, or when she did leave that she ended up back with him.

My youngest dsis was about 7 when she finally left. My mum actually did a pretty good job with us as a single parent to 6 dcs. She worked part time around school runs. Dsis with abusive husband was in a professional job until her sons autism meant he was more or less at home full time for the last 3 years. Her husband is equally as charming as my step father. From a naice family. He has a professional job.

We are decent, hardworking people. All of us. We don't neglect our dcs. We don't have substance abuse problems. We all work, we have careers and jobs and cars. Other than my nephew having a social worker for his autism/education issues we have never had SS involved in our families. We go abroad for holidays. Shop in Adli or Tesco. Have nice kids doing well in school. No criminals in the family, we have never been involved with the police.

We are not what some posters on here are assuming. We aren't posh but we aren't rough either.

It is the men who have abused my mother and my sister who are the problem. They abused them because they are able to because it isn't easy to leave. And because even when you do the abuse contiues. And because people judge and condemn single parents relying on council houses and benefits.

That's why they stayed.

Quite frouby
We are all in agreement I think

How is your Mum now ?

I would say at least 50% of my female friends and myself included are in abusive relationships. I am in my mid forties and these are all people my age. All my younger friends have lovely, normal partners who respect them. Somehow I think it is partly generational. But I am sick of it too and I totally understand where you are coming from OP.

The people who say 'just leave' don't get it. They think that the guy starts off the relationship by abusing their victim. They don't. They groom them for months/years and slowly isolate them. Only then does the 'real' abuse begin.

As one who lives in fear or him for years, a fear that he saw on my face when he said with delight "you're scared of me now when I'm not even in one of my moods'... I was already to broken to make sense of how this was all working.

Ltb, grow a pair, more fool you, stupid stupid woman letting your children live under this... Don't you think those are all the words women say to themselves as they lie in the dark trying to be quiet on the floor next to the kids in their room cos he's drunk again.... Stoopid fucking stupid me, what a fucking stupid woman I am 'letting' him do this to us...i'd far far rather be living on the street, hmm, super appealing, be a refugee for years in your own country or another, we lived in cars at time, would hide in the garden. Mortifying, ashamed at the abuse, being so stupid, believing I deserved being sent flying across the room in agony while DC watched on.

Too broken and shook to remember his assaults on his own babies.

I would never tell a woman to leave,
Get the fucking bastard out on the street!

And just to say, my friends and I are all successful, middle class women. I think we all want to leave our partners but it feels impossible when you have young children with them. Never in a million years did I think we would all end up in this predicament. And living this life, I will never judge anyone for not leaving. It takes super human strength that you just can’t find when your self esteem has been worn down over a long period of time. You also go through times when it is more bearable than others and your brain tricks you into being grateful and thinking things are okay. You make excuses for that person over and over because you want to keep your family together. You are frightened that if you leave, the war will have only just begun. The consequences of leaving them feel more scary than staying. It can happen to anyone.

You see, without belief or support, you will be risking the lives of you and your children if you leave and can't feed them at all. If noone believes you, and thinks he should stay there while you leave everything you've ever known, wandering refugee for years still living it like you never left anyway...but its worse, after leaving, a lot worse...

stopfuckingshouting she is fine. She remarried and was then widowed about 10 years ago, we were all grown up by then. She still works in the same job she had when we were kids, due to retire in 3 years. She is happy, poor but happy. She has her kids and her grankids and now 2 great grandkids. Won't ever have another relationship I don't think.

I don't speak to my stepfather, haven't since she left. He is still apparently charming and manipulative and had my siblings (his bio children) running around after him. He isn't in the best of health, will be mid 70s now but is independently wealthy enough to have never worked since the 90s. Sold the family home he bought and has a lovely little house. Can afford any help he needs but uses my sisters as unpaid care and plays on his mental health. The moment he feels he isn't getting the attention he deserves he starts being odd, so they all rally around to keep an eye on him.

So he has women still dancing to his tune, has the life of riley and never any comeback on him.

My mum could have fought for the house when she divorced him, and half his wealth but was too terrified. And like she said if she had lived in that house for at least 11 yeara it would have been 11 years more of suffering him.

But she is happy enough.