To be fucking sick of domestic violence and men abusing women?

[Frouby]

I know I am not BU. But am venting on here to let off steam.

Last weekend there was a horrible incident on our estate. I don't want to give details as it's an active case. But after years of abuse a woman is in hospital after very nearly being murdered by her exp.

My dsis is currently being emotionally, financially and physically abused by her husband. They have been seperated for a couple of years now but have an on/off relationship. 2 weeks ago he broke her nose. This week he has smashed her car up, smashed her windows (again), taken her house and car keys and his childs bike. She has been staying either with her grown up dd or my mams. Her 10 year old has autism. He isn't coping very well with the upset. His father is using him to get to his mother.

Day after fucking day I read stories like this on mn. I see my sisters being abused by men. I saw my mum abused by my stepfather. My aunties ex husband commited bigamy, left her bankrupt and homeless. My friend has an on/off boyfriend who is a drug addict and she is almost bankrupt as he has financially crippled her for years.

I shouted at my dsis tonight. Told her if she didn't report his latest cunts trick to the police herself I would be doing it to SS. That she needs to do something to stop the absolute fucking bastard she married from making hers and her ds and her grown dd who has a newborn from living their lives around that piece of shit.

She says they won't do anything. I suspect that she is right.

My mum ended up homeless for 10 minths with 6 dcs when she finally left my step dad. He kept the family home by terrorising her into not fighting for it.

Am just absolutely fucking sick of men abusing women and getting away with it. Why? If I walked up to a stranger and broke their nose I would probably do time. If I broke into someones house, smashed their car up and stole property I would do time.

My other dsis was held for 3 hours by her ex at knife point and threatened with being raped and her throat cut. He got a 2 years suspended sentence and an anger management course. It's a fucking absolute disgrace.

Why are these crimes against women not taken seriously because they are crimes by partners or former partners? I just don't get it.

YANBU.

And the NAMALT brigade can fuck off. I can tell you as a mother of three kind sons that I'm not worried about the misandrists knocking seven shades of shit out of them on the way home from school. Toxic masculinity is a problem for everyone.

The very sad truth is that if Winona Ryder cane out and said Jonny Depp abuses her her career would probably be over - the world is full of people who jump on women who speak out and as I said before JD could beat his wife up on the Oscars red carpet and would have a huge following. It's wrong but it's how it is

It's not our upbringing, or the fact my mother made the wrong choices or the fact that we witnessed abuse as children

OP I disagree. What we experience as children affects us as adults. I've no doubt your mother loved you all, but being homeless for nearly a year, having the Police to your door and being affected by those wrong choices and afraid to tell the truth. Children born into loving families, who have bedtime stories, guided through exams etc are more likely to find similar in a partner.

I’m with you OP, I’m fucking sick of it and starting to verge on the edge of being the “worst type of woman” - a man hater! I read a case recently that really stuck with me about a man getting off with rape when he “had sex” with his partner when she was in labour. I mean for fuck sake, I think rape being illegal in law is just lip service at this point.

I’m so fucking angry at men.

I’m angry at domestic violence being minimised and ignored by the powers that be.
Im angry about the level of rape and how women are STILL being blamed and shamed in court (if it gets that far).
I’m angry that men think they get to redefine what a woman is just because they want to, without a thought to the women it could put in danger.
I’m angry that regular men get off on watching women being abused and humiliated, even hurt in porn.
I’m angry that school girls will experience street harassment from adult men just for walking home from school.
I’m angry men take such deep offence to any women speaking out about our history of being oppressed, or outrage at some new horrific crime men have committed against us, or even just for expressing our views on the internet. They don’t have to mask their hatred of women, yet a woman who calls herself a feminist is accused of being a man hater.
I’m angry that men still try to silence us, restrict us, limit us.
I’m angry that they insist women are just as bed when all evidence shows it to be untrue.

Some days I really wish women could just walk away, just live somewhere free from men if they wanted, but you can guarantee men would never leave us alone, they would follow.

Oh and just to add, I no longer say “some men” because never once, not one single time, have I seen a man be careful to say “some women”, or another man come along to point out he should have said “some”.

@GunpowderGelatine

That is very sadly true.

Tilly mint so sorry, v similar here and stories like this all over

nashoma if you don't believe this is gendered then you really don't understand dv go and do another job or get yourself properly educated, there are few enough in dv services that properly support and intrinsically believe women.

Blaming women for being deranged\mentally ill etc, did you realize that over 90% of Women in secure mental institution s are there as a direct result of dv. Have you even heard of the expression the dominator, or lived in a society that is matriarchal, where there is a whole system to support women that don't get charged for murdering their partners, or that women killing their ex or partner and then killing all their kids or setting fire to their house and burning them all to death is so commonplace its ignore d.

No, there is sharp intake of breath that 'a woman, a mother' could be doing that.

Life isn't the same for women, I don't think you've been actually listening to what men AND women have been saying on here; glad you weren't in my refuge.

The majority of female murderers have acted in self-defence.

I have seen children on drugs battering the hell out of another male child and the mother (also high) attacked me for trying to intervene. ..it was men who supplied drugs to the refuge and men who loitered around outside to make sure 'their' prostitutes came out to satisfy 'the men' waiting in cars outside to violate them for money.

I really wish the people that don't get this would stop trying to detail this thread.

Services now, headed by men are trying to make perps stay in the family, because that works apparently, what a croc of shite.

Women can be controlling, but I bet you they are still the one with their bkoody hand in the doing the clean ing and up all hiurs with kids clearing up sick and blamed for not being immaculately turned out to entertain, or criticised for their weight\looks.

It IS different, and please STOP talking about getting the women\children out, or shouting at the women to become homeless refugees, kick out the aggressor, make them homeless, force them to deal with developing a conscience and humanity!

There would be no need for refuges. Women then continue their lives, and children never actually leaving, exactly the same as the soldiers who never come home from the front line because of PTSD.

They are understood, services and govt funding for them GP practices to have specialist support. The funding is not available to you if you have PTSD as a survivor of dv, altho you never get away from the front line and you sleep with the enemy. (Put politely)

hadn't set out for it to be that long!

It does seem to bear out that what we experience as children affects us as adults, or many a similar way of phrasing... But 'affect' as 'act' are different clearly. Boys 'affected' can act in many ways, but which way is more likely in patriarchal society who has these as their norms? Many abused men don't go on to treat other women the way they saw their mother treated. Many of this type of abusive male will make the boys their Allie in demeaning and debasing, including attacking their mother. She becomes less in authority than the children.
I could have said it easier and quicker that it's a whole system

neoshoma are you saying that women whp see domestic violence at home are going to go and look for the same kind of man they saw at home beating and abusing their mother? They chose the same again? They chose abusers and bullies?

Do they fuck. What actually happens is because of their past sometimes they are vulnerable. They want to please people. My dsis is a chronic people pleaser. She responds really well to being told exactly what to do and what is expected of her. So what happens is violent, abusive men look for women and girls like her, with her skewed sense of what is right and wrong and they groom and charm and work on them until they are compliant and dependent and less likely to walk away from being raped and punched and abused.

Abusive men don't like women who answer back, who will press charges, who won't put up with shit. Abusive men call women who believe its wrong men to hit women men haters, feminists, dykes, ball breakers.

Abusive men like their woman to be ground down by life, vulnerable, without family or support, with little or no financial independence.

I have had a number of relationships. The only one I have ever had with an abusive man was when I was vulnerable, without support, away from home and family and in a pretty shitty place. I didn't recognise it was abusive until much later, I look back now and wonder what the fuck I was even doing with him. But at the time I wasn't really me.

It's no accident that I met an abusive man when I was vulnerable. If I had not been vulnerable he wouldn't have looked twice in my direction.

It's not women with shitty pasts who get targeted by abusive men, it's vulnerable women that get targeted by abusive men. And it's the same right across society from the sink estates right through to the upper classes. Vulnerable women and girls and children get abused.

Wtf is going with women's rights atm? Why do we have to pause to remember the poor menz before we discuss our right to be safe from male violence?

Do Fathers4Justice, FamiliesNeedFathers and other MRAs pause to remember all the poor women who are kept away from their children by abusive men? Do they fuck. When men talk about men's rights, it's about me. When women talk about men's rights, it's about men. When anyone talks about women's rights, it's also about men

When did feminism move back decades and where was my memo?

And OP, YANBU. Society needs to condemn violence against women the same way they do other things. Benefit claimants are more badly thought of than perpetrators of domestic abuse FFS.

My dsis is a chronic people pleaser. She responds really well to being told exactly what to do and what is expected of her.

Abusive men don't like women who answer back, who will press charges, who won't put up with shit.

So, OP you don't think women should be educated, encouraged, strong or independent etc?

Thanks Mum, I've worked with DV and DV victims thanks, I don't need to 'Educate' myself as you put it so nicely. Maybe you could learn some manners though?

Most bizarre post on this thread

For women to be able to leave they need the support to be in place before they go. It would be great if they didn't have to give up their pets and jobs when they do it.
Unfortunately the system of shelters women built is being systematically defunded and dismantled.

You spoke as tho you think things are equal, they're not, that's what I mean about education.

Men actively groom, even strong women in every walk of life, including dv workers who are assertive as part of their access criteria to that work, they are groomed.

Women become vulnerable under it. Some men are not as versed in charming and manipulation as others and perhaps easier to spot, but who blames the householder who's fallen victim to the doorstep conman?

Who blames those that were drawn into a cult and need years to relearn and de-cult other better word
It's just not about the woman.
Anyone bullied at school would also know the fear of telling anyone, that's how it works.

"So, OP you don't think women should be educated, encouraged, strong or independent etc?"

Yes of course op believes that women should be kept as vulnerable as possible with no access to money, not allowed to communicate with friends/ family and possibly physically imprisoned.

Of course that's what she wants.

Step 2 in the handbook:
Women enjoy victim status and are not prepared to take any responsibility for anything.
(The responsibility they need to take being for someone else's actions).

If women would just stop being such whining pussies, violent men wouldn't exist.

Obviuosly.

Accusing the op of thinking girls in UK shouldn't be allowed an education.

It's patently ridiculous!

At the root is this, groovy male partner acknowledges partners own unique weaknesses, abusive male partner homes in on them tobuse against to degrade and demean embarass and shame to achieve power and control, that makes everyone of us 'vulnerable'.
Pretending we don't have vulnerabilities [and therefore couldn't be abused] or not realising its very subtely happening to us doesn't mean anything other than he's abusing.

We all have them, all the while male society holds greater power, and especially obvs in intimate relationship it continues and it really is a male issue, despite only some males being abusive.

Who blames the children for being beaten? Yeah they might have been misbehaving but its not an excuse for violence and aggression.

"Working with dv, and dv victims..." clearly isn't a qualification. You have no superiority here as your statement would suggest

@Feefeetrixabelle

Why don't you go start a thread about male victims of violence? Let women have this thread.

Its a record
Second reply and we get a what about the men
I hope that wasn't a woman responding. I truly despair

We are absolutely all vulnerable. Talking to me now, knowing me and my feelings about abusive men, and even subtle abusers who financially and emotionally abuse you would maybe think I would never be in or stay in an abusive relationship.

But I was and I did. For 18 months. And I only left because the emotional, financial and sexual abuse was ramping up to physical abuse and I had a 3 month old dd. I left because of my past. I didn't stay because of it.

frouby

Can we get rid of this whole idea of 'poor men because they witness so much violence'.

In case you had not noticed, women witness violence too. Lots of it.

But we don't perpetrate it, not to anything like the same extremes.

Think about that.

As for the accusations about women being so bad, there is a saying: "Men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them."

There is now a lot of evidence that criminals who end up in prison have witnessed violence while growing up, never mind being the victim. And there are the awful, immediate effects of DV on people.

But to really do anything about it you need institutions to change. You have to make it worse legally, if you hit your wife, partner or child. You have to get rid of the idea of domestic violence and just look at the impact of violence. It is much worse because it is within what is supposed to be a safe nurturing place. If you do it, you will go to prison for longer.

The government is actually looking at doing this, to make that change, so that anyone, man or woman, who batters or commits crime against the family will be going to prison for longer.

Some men think of their family or partners as possessions. You won’t change how they think. What you can do is change the law and get them put away. The evidence is that if you keep them outside they do great damage to all of society, no matter how nice they may seem.

I know it doesn’t address some of the women with their personal experience here. But if we do want matters to improve, fight to change the law. There is support for this by lawmakers, so write to your MP, campaign, but above all end the idea of “domestic violence”. It is worse - get it written into the law so that the justice system has to apply that rule.

That risks equalising it making it gender neutral.

It IS different, that why the 'domestic' label makes sense becuase of the power abuse in an intimate relationship in apatriarchal society. As posters have been saying it Is gendered.

I don't know why it has to be something else, just hard hitting penalties for dv.

Removing the label removes all the stats and nicely equalises everything, nicely hidden away again.

No more can anyone say dv is at epidemic levels, we're fucking sick of it.

It will mean women will get banged up for retaliating. It's a known perp trait to stick a knife in woman's hand (or equivalent push\goad to react) and cry poor me mad psychotic woman, save poor little me, lock her up.

the archers

I don’t think I put my point across well enough.

If you are waiting for a special label for this, it won’t happen. Domestic violence or abuse is considered unimportant because it is not seen. That is the situation now.

It isn’t a gendered crime. It applies to men and women. We know women come off badly than men. We know children come off even worse and the effects of violence in the home are life long. It is worse arguably than being punched by a stranger. But the law doesn’t recognise it that because it’s a “domestic”.

There is no crime of domestic violence. There are crimes committed at home against people. You have to change the law to say it is worse to punch your partner, worse to do it at home, worse if your children see you do it. You go to prison for longer. Women will benefit from that massively. You don’t need to make it a men only offence like rape to make it work. It’s easy to change - but it needs to be campaigned for.

On the Archers, that is coercive and controlling conduct which culminated in violence. There is a limit to what the law can do - it’s horrible but domestic violence comes from controlling behaviour. You need to educate women and girls to spot it because once you are in, we know it is hard to leave. When you want to, that violence is likely to escalate.