To be fucking sick of domestic violence and men abusing women?

[Frouby]

I know I am not BU. But am venting on here to let off steam.

Last weekend there was a horrible incident on our estate. I don't want to give details as it's an active case. But after years of abuse a woman is in hospital after very nearly being murdered by her exp.

My dsis is currently being emotionally, financially and physically abused by her husband. They have been seperated for a couple of years now but have an on/off relationship. 2 weeks ago he broke her nose. This week he has smashed her car up, smashed her windows (again), taken her house and car keys and his childs bike. She has been staying either with her grown up dd or my mams. Her 10 year old has autism. He isn't coping very well with the upset. His father is using him to get to his mother.

Day after fucking day I read stories like this on mn. I see my sisters being abused by men. I saw my mum abused by my stepfather. My aunties ex husband commited bigamy, left her bankrupt and homeless. My friend has an on/off boyfriend who is a drug addict and she is almost bankrupt as he has financially crippled her for years.

I shouted at my dsis tonight. Told her if she didn't report his latest cunts trick to the police herself I would be doing it to SS. That she needs to do something to stop the absolute fucking bastard she married from making hers and her ds and her grown dd who has a newborn from living their lives around that piece of shit.

She says they won't do anything. I suspect that she is right.

My mum ended up homeless for 10 minths with 6 dcs when she finally left my step dad. He kept the family home by terrorising her into not fighting for it.

Am just absolutely fucking sick of men abusing women and getting away with it. Why? If I walked up to a stranger and broke their nose I would probably do time. If I broke into someones house, smashed their car up and stole property I would do time.

My other dsis was held for 3 hours by her ex at knife point and threatened with being raped and her throat cut. He got a 2 years suspended sentence and an anger management course. It's a fucking absolute disgrace.

Why are these crimes against women not taken seriously because they are crimes by partners or former partners? I just don't get it.

"As part of looking at DV we do have to question the female psychology"

Hahahahhahahahaha.

Yes female psychology is what makes men abuse their families.

Come off it.

This utter insistence that women are responsible for the actions of men.

Why do you have such a low opinion of men? Why do you think their violence is inevitable and for women to sort out?

I also wonder, as per when women and girls are given advice to avoid rape... Does it just push it onto someone else? It's something that can help an individual but does not address the root cause of the problem.

If women and girls are given crystal balls so that they can avoid violent controlling manipulative men
Do you think those men will just say hey ho I'll live quietly by myself and not bother anyone...?

I've been fortunate enough not to experience DV and as far as I know none of my close friends have either.

That doesn't make me think that there's something wrong with those who have, and I don't want a fucking medal either.

It's a very unpleasant smug thing to say really...
Not to say wow I'm lucky, but to say wow you are obviously asking for it.

The thing is, leaving them is rarely the end of it because men think they OWN us.

If you've had kids, you're stuck in this limbo of trying to 'keep it amicable' for the kids sake, but all you're doing is just opening yourself up to them continuing to abuse you.

That's me right now.. I thought I could break from Ex and keep it friendly, because I wanted us to be able to co parent.

Instead I've put myself through 12 months of social media stalking, being screamed at every time I put a foot wrong and did something he didn't like, having my male friends abused and accused of being my OM, being told where I can do, what I can do and screamed at for telling him its none of his business. Being called all the names under the sun and told repeatedly what a shitty, horrible person I am.

I'm a nervous wreck, every time my FB messenger pings my heart stops. I have palpitations, acid indigestion, anxiety, insomnia.. and all because I left my abusive husband.

Society gives them free reign to behave like this.

Neoshama she has been to the police. Twice. Read the thread.

She has a social worker because of her sons autism. That took 4 fucking years to get a diagnosis for. For 3 years he has been out of education. He is 10.

So she hasn't had any help from any educational facility. She is on her own with a 10 year old child who is almost as big as her and he is also violent. Obviously that's her fault as well.

Her GP is less than helpful. It took 2 years and a meltdown in the GPs just for them to believe that her son had a problem. He doesn't sleep, smashes things up, is violent, has epic meltdowns. He has the emotional age of a 2 year old. He is 5ft 2in, weighs about 8st and is almost her height.

She has been let down by the police, social services, the GP, her sons previous schools who kept losing him, CAHMS. She doesn't need a refuge, she has her own home in her own name. Her husband should not enter it without her permission but he has and does and the police do nothing.

As I said it will take something more serious happening to her or her son before the police do anything.

Flipntwist I don't know why I know women who suffer domestic abuse and you don't? Maybe because I have a large family and a large circle of friends? Do you have friends? Do you have 4 sisters who love and care for each other?

Maybe it's your air of superiority and condescending judgemental victim blaming tone that prevents them from telling you. Maybe they don't want to be judged and asked why they think they are being abused.

And I guarantee you, you will know women being abused. You just don't know about it.

Squidgee

Brave to post, hope you don't get abused on here for it; be prepared.

Your words resonate. Can relate, it does get worse, and more unsafe at the loss of control.
Taking kids hostage to make you do as you're told. 'Police won't do anything, IM THEIR FATHER'.

Fathers have responsibilities, but they call them 'rights' screw Responsibilities

It's absolutely sickening for mothers of sons to read this misandry every day.

Its not Misandry, it’s facing reality.

I have two sons and a wonderful dh. I’m well aware that men and boys can be lovely, compassionate and gentle people.

I’m also aware that men commit 96 (or is it 98?) % of violent crime, and that our society lets them off shockingly lightly.

So OP no, YANBU at all. I hope things get better for you and your family.

The ones here suggesting mentioned domestic abuse is ‘misandry’ are committing the worse sin to males, by insisting that they’re worth nothing more than to be abusers.

As A Dorkin says, we have no shortage of kitchen knives, we love men and feel they can change or we would kill the barstards rather than loving them/raising them/forgiving them

That 'misandry' quote got me too, Bowl.

I have 2 DS and a DSGS too. In my view it's the job of parents to, at the very least, bring up boys knowing that there is no justification for abuse, and that any man who hits women is an excuse for a human being.

YANBU

I am also sick of the subject being shut down because men suffer abuse to

Yes they do but no where near as much and being the mother of a son I am well aware of my needing to teach him that being male does not entitle you to be nasty or mean as sadly these traits in men are often celebrated

Men suffer abuse... mostly at the hands of other men

Men just can't handle it not being 'All about them'.

my brother was also a victim of DV at the hands of his ex wife. He was (and still is) absolutely terrified of her and she still tries to exert her power/control over him.

However, i'm wise enough to know this thread isn't about him and his experience, but mine and every other woman who's grown up in a world where its NORMAL to abuse your spouse.

Physical violence is the tip of the iceberg. Many men believe that they own women, are better than women and are more intelligent.
My ex partner would have been prosecuted for coercive control had he been with me now. 20 years ago,coercive control wasn't recognised by the courts sadly as he has got away with it.
He managed to destroy me without laying a finger on me. He destroyed my self worth and my career through other sorts of control.He was vegan and controlled what I ate. I went down to 6 stone and nearly died due to his mind control.
Trouble is, his mum enabled him. Mind you, his dad was physically violent and used to beat her up and him. It's insidious.

The thing is, I think we need to develop a culture whereby women are told that they really don't NEED a man to be happy. Like friends, we should let the bad ones go.
We need to be brought up to learn that 'NO' is a great word. To stop being people pleasers and to learn that we can be whole, independent women with our own worth. We need to be taught that love is not being abused and that men who play mind games are not that into us.
We also need to learn that there is more to lie than getting the ring on our finger at all costs.
Unfortunately as most of the money and power is in male hands, this will not be easy.
I do have a lovely dp now who is simply amazing but it has taken a lot of shit and a great deal of emdr therapy to release the trauma so that I could find love.

more to life ...

I agree @malificent7 - why is a man seen as the ultimate life goal for women?!

Umm first ly maleficent sorry for your awful time and its very encouraging to hear you did find help that helped you to have a life after all those years.

...bit rough to say that these women were all people pleasers which blames women, again.

Did you mean to do that?

I have come across many women that are not people pleasers, that voice their opinions and have plenty to say, but are terrified of their partner because he...

I just don't get it...

Some of these abusers take huge delight in taking down a 'powerful woman', and I go back to the weaknesses within all humans, you'd have to have no soft spots, cast iron self inflation, and never be open to conceding that someone else is right sometimes, some sort of inhuman beast then.

If you have weaknesses abusers sniff them a mile off, and we all have weaknesses\vulnerabilities and that's OK.

Absolutely agree malificent7

We also need to stop patting the backs and praising the good men be they fathers or partners

This isn’t something we should teach boys to aspire to this is what we should teach them to expect to be

You speak of it as your life goal...was able to find love again...

If you are heterosexual woman, man will be your source of companionship and whatever else through life, unless you are a solitary sort and prefer to be alone.

Well I did want a life dp but we are not married, we don't live together as I would rather achieve my degree and new career first. The conditioning is hard to shift I know so it was a life goal for me but I have someone who is lovely and very happy for me to retrain so that I can make cash.

My abusive ex was threatened by me going to uni to retrain and did everything in his power to stop me. And he succeeded.

I think male privilege plays a large part.

Male privilege and more succinctly, male entitlement. They feel entitled to women’s bodies so they abuse them.

Sadly in a lot of cases, the women don't press charges. The police can't really do much and don't have much of a case when the women won't press charges and continue to see/live with the monsters that terrorise them. It wouldn't hold up in court. I think that calling SS would be a good idea. I know you probably didn't mean it, just wanted your sister to seriously think about what's happening, however those children are having a horrible childhood and something needs to be done. They really, really have no choice in living with that man and they shouldn't have to grow up in fear. Neither should your sister, but she could leave him. She should leave him.

Lets not make this into a "bash men" thread. We can't tar men with the brush of "MEN are bad because of this". And also, you can't say that men don't suffer as badly as women if they're being abused. You have no idea. And there are men who have been abused terribly. I think this thread has taken an unhealthy turn.

No, let's not bash the poor menz at all. It's not like they account for 90% of all crime, 88% of crimes against the person, 90% of murders or 98% of sexual crimes.

Oh, no. Menz are just misunderstood.

fullfact.org/crime/bad-and-dangerous-know-do-men-commit-almost-all-crime/