To be fucking sick of domestic violence and men abusing women?

[Frouby]

I know I am not BU. But am venting on here to let off steam.

Last weekend there was a horrible incident on our estate. I don't want to give details as it's an active case. But after years of abuse a woman is in hospital after very nearly being murdered by her exp.

My dsis is currently being emotionally, financially and physically abused by her husband. They have been seperated for a couple of years now but have an on/off relationship. 2 weeks ago he broke her nose. This week he has smashed her car up, smashed her windows (again), taken her house and car keys and his childs bike. She has been staying either with her grown up dd or my mams. Her 10 year old has autism. He isn't coping very well with the upset. His father is using him to get to his mother.

Day after fucking day I read stories like this on mn. I see my sisters being abused by men. I saw my mum abused by my stepfather. My aunties ex husband commited bigamy, left her bankrupt and homeless. My friend has an on/off boyfriend who is a drug addict and she is almost bankrupt as he has financially crippled her for years.

I shouted at my dsis tonight. Told her if she didn't report his latest cunts trick to the police herself I would be doing it to SS. That she needs to do something to stop the absolute fucking bastard she married from making hers and her ds and her grown dd who has a newborn from living their lives around that piece of shit.

She says they won't do anything. I suspect that she is right.

My mum ended up homeless for 10 minths with 6 dcs when she finally left my step dad. He kept the family home by terrorising her into not fighting for it.

Am just absolutely fucking sick of men abusing women and getting away with it. Why? If I walked up to a stranger and broke their nose I would probably do time. If I broke into someones house, smashed their car up and stole property I would do time.

My other dsis was held for 3 hours by her ex at knife point and threatened with being raped and her throat cut. He got a 2 years suspended sentence and an anger management course. It's a fucking absolute disgrace.

Why are these crimes against women not taken seriously because they are crimes by partners or former partners? I just don't get it.

Paradise

I think my (male) cousin is a victim of domestic abuse - emotional abuse, not violence.

I have a friend whose father left her mother because he was emotionally abused - he actually ended up in a refuge, so perhaps she was violent, too.

But come on. How many men are murdered by their female partners? Virtually none.

How many the other way round? Two a week someone said. It is horrendous. We have lots of limits on our freedom because of so-called terrorism (generally also male violence) but we allow domestic violence to continue.

Whatever why I slice it and dice it women are at more risk

Yes.

There was a Marac in place for me and yet my exdh claims he is the one who was abused, despite having a conviction. He will be among those figures cited by others because he was taken in my mental health services. So I'm not sure how believable the figures regarding abuse of men are.

After previous (mild- very mild comparatively) DV my entire attitude has changed in the way I see men. I am really present with my husband, esp as we are raising three daughters. It scares the living shit out of me that a man could hurt or abuse them and it scares me more that nothing I can teach my girls will prevent it. We are just trying to fill them up with as much esteem and positive example as we can. Where are the answers?
How can we universally raise our kids to respect the basics of human interaction? Not to lay your hands on another person, not to control and dominate, not to bully and gaslight. Not to rape and molest! Not to do shit to another that you would hate to have done to yourself!!

My cousins mother was murdered by her husband after years of dv.
My father hit my mother - only once mind!
2 relationships and they have both been emotionally abusive, controlling and verging into dv. I got out before they went that far.
And I know that neither of my 2 relationships would accept in anyway they were abusive or controlling.
I have seen numerous friends at the hands of male violence over the years.
I despair but I don't know what the answer is.

To OP please go back to police and complaint about the response. Escalate the complaints up the ranks until someone takes it seriously. Have they got a dedicated dv police officer? They tend to be better.

taken in by apologies.

I’ve worked with refuges for a while now and been in one. And I’m going to derail slightly and say it actually is all about the men. And the women. It’s about humans being raised to believe it’s ok to hurt another human. For years it was socially acceptable to twat your wife and your kids. In public. It was fine. Legal in fact. It’s now on the cusp of becoming socially unacceptable. Not there yet but close.Closer than we’ve ever beenIt’s used to be acceptable if your boyfriend cheated to give him a good slap. It still is. And that’s where things are going wrong. Weirdly this is a situation where it’s likely it will stop happening to women and children before men.

As a society we need to condemn all violence. Which sucks because the worst is committed by men against women. There’s no way of denying it. As a community we have to stand up and condemn all violence as an example to our children. So that boys in classic domestic violence scenarios (man against woman) don’t grow up to think that’s how you argue. That’s how you get your way. That’s how you treat your partner. And so that girls in the same scenario don’t grow up thinking there is no better way.

So I’m not saying what about the men. It happens to men too etc. We know it does funnily enough someone mentioned Johnny Depp. I don’t know what happened there cos I wasn’t there. None of us were. But I do know he has filed paperwork where she has admitted hitting him while she was drunk and he was sober. She’s admitted that under oath or whatever they do in America. So I don’t think we have the whole story there. But that’s by the by. But I fear her and Roxanne Pallett have done untold damage to the support women with dv should receive.

My main point is as a community we have to condemn all violence. All of it. And that means acknowledging ita a scourge on our society. What I’ve said isn’t mean to offend anyone it really isn’t. I’m not stupid I see what happens to women everyday. I just think it will be resolved quicker if we catch up to the no violence against anyone.

I’m so sorry about the women you’ve encountered please report to ss they are actually doing more and more. See about getting her legal support to get a harassment order and get her to contact women’s aid. They may be able to get her and her son into a refuge which is an anonymous address. An upheaval for her son but I’ve found the ones who arrives with autistic children manage to make t work because the calm helps them.

I too wouldn't report DV to the police after the attitudes I have experienced. 2 different police forces. I have been told that being held down by the throat and punched repeatedly until I handed the money over that I had was a civil matter by a female police officer. I asked if he went and did it to a stranger in the street is that a civil matter, no she said it's assault and robbery. I was trying to leave but he had taken all the money I had and told the police that he would leave so I could calm down. I was then followed around the house while I got my stuff together with the police huffing and puffing that they don't have time for this. I hadn't asked them to stay I was just trying to leave before he got back.
Other examples are a group of male officers laughing at me because I said I wouldn't press charges as it just bought more trouble for me. When they stopped laughing I was told not to bother ringing them when he does it again.
Each and every time I reported a DV incident I was made to feel like I was in the wrong.
The attitudes of front line staff like police, social workers, probation officers and the courts need to change before anything.
for any woman who is a survivor

"It’s now on the cusp of becoming socially unacceptable. Not there yet but close.Closer than we’ve ever beenIt’s used to be acceptable if your boyfriend cheated to give him a good slap. It still is. And that’s where things are going wrong. Weirdly this is a situation where it’s likely it will stop happening to women and children before men. "

Right.
Poor men.

Meanwhile 2 women a week are being killed.

Nice bit of stuff there about Amber Rudd or whatever her name is ruining Jonny Depps reputation even though you say yourself you don't know anythign about what happened.

Violence is a MALE problem. How many men a week are killed by women? What % of violent sex offences are comitted by women?

This "oh it's a people not a male problem" is from the playbook of teh MRAs, I don't know if you realise that.

Your so right there tilly some attitudes within front line services are disgraceful. We need to demand better.

I have never actually seen a women slap a man expect on the telly.

Yes I'm sure it happens.

How many of them end up dead? In hospital?

When there is a thread on here about a woman hitting a man there is universal condemnation. It is NOT socially accpetable. And women aren't raised to use their fists (open hands) to "sort out" problems.

Men are much much more violent than women. There's no comparison. "people problem" indeed.

If your mother struggled with 6 children and an abusive partner it seems history is repeating itself.

You and your siblings have had a very difficult upbringing. I wonder if this is why some of them have found abusive partners and aren't able to move away.

Don't shout Victim blaming, but I strongly believe women need to be educated & encouraged to seek out more affectionate and caring men - or be encouraged to leave abusive men earlier, and be independent and confident women.

nothingontellyagain yes poor men. Poor anyone who gets smacked by another human being. Poor little boy I saw in a refuge just three weeks ago who beat the living shit out of his sister because all he had ever seen at home is violence from his dad to his mum. He was 5. Fucking 5 and he was stamping on her head. Poor countless small humans who are being ruined by domestic violence. Look at the thread someone started the other day about how dv affected people as children. Little boys are affected in the same ways as little girls can be. And the amount of women who admitted being broken by it. We have to stop it all.

Her name is amber heard and I’m not defending either of them. I’m just saying the truth. We are all talking about what he did. Not what she did. She admitted hitting him. She admitted hitting her previous partner- a woman. She was seen doing it by a police officer at a airport. We have to talk about it all.

Violence is a human problem. It’s a problem from whoever is dishing it out. I’m not saying poor men. I’m not your putting that out there. I’m just saying it’s all got to be talked about.

Wtaf is a mra?

"Poor little boy I saw in a refuge just three weeks ago who beat the living shit out of his sister because all he had ever seen at home is violence from his dad to his mum. He was 5. Fucking 5 and he was stamping on her head. "

Poor little girl? Surely?
You've not said that or even mentioned her.
Are you taking the piss?

I think you're taking the piss.

MRA playbook re violence is a "people issue" not a male issue >> google is your friend.

And it’s not about how hurt you get. We have women who come to refuge after being pushed no other violence. Should we send them away until they’ve had a good smack? How many a and e appointments should they attend? What’s your requirement there nothingontelly

Maybe the woman who came to an appointment once with her hand ironed should have been sent away as well. Because the violence against her doesn’t count. She’s a lesbian you see.

You don’t see it. Because it’s hidden. All domestic violence is carried out under cloak and dagger. No one knows. Because if you tell someone ss will take your kids away. And no one will believe you anyway.

I see it. I see it all the time. And it’s evryones problem. Yes one section of society is suffering more. But that children. Not women.

Poor men they sometimes get slapped in teh face I've seen it on eastenders.

Poor little boys being forced to beat the shit out of their sisters, those boys I feel so sorry for them, they are the real victims here.

Taking the piss. You are.

There are women on this thread who have had their daughters killed by abusive partners. Have a bit of fuckign respect. Poor men eh. What did they see when they were kids to make them violently abuse and murder when they were adults? They deserve so much sympathy.

Fuck that.

"And it’s not about how hurt you get. "

A man being pushed by a woman = a woman being murdered by a man.

Righy-ho.

YANBU OP.

I am also sick to death of the women who live in sub standard living conditions while their men swan about with massive incomes because ‘they work’ it pisses me off so much.

Abuse is rife, both extreme like yours and the low ebb of abuse in which the man sits pretty and feels like a great family man while financially abusing his family.

Sorry nothing my message blanked and deleted where I mentioned the girl. And I didn’t re add it. And I’m ashamed of that. So I deserve the kicking you’ll give me by pouncing on that. She was actually doing fine now and in a foster home. There was a whole thing about that.

I did good mra but got scan info. Went deeper so you think I’m a men’s right activist. I’m actually not. The things I’ve been through and experienced in working has pretty much ruined men for me.

I’m actually all about children to be honest. I’m about making the world better for all of them. And that starts with raising them non violent.

"I see it. I see it all the time. And it’s evryones problem. Yes one section of society is suffering more. But that children. Not women."

Women do not suffer as a result of DV more than men.
Male children who witness violence and then beat up / sexually abuse / etc their female relatives are the ones who need most sympathy and help.
The level of harm done is irrelevant - a girl pushing a boy is as bad as him beating the shit out of her and stamping on her head.

Right.

"So I deserve the kicking you’ll give me"

This is WORDS. I am not "giving you a kicking".

That boy gave that girl a kciking.

Is this the type of "level of harm caused doesn't matter" thing that you referred to?

Your only picking about the bits that support your theory that I’m a men’s right activist. Not the whole of what I’m saying. Your extrapolating what I’m actually saying.

Imagine being exposed to such violence that it’s all you know. So yes poor little boy. And poor little girl who experienced it. And poor women who die. And poor women who get hurt. And yes poor men who get hurt too. No one deserves to get hurt.

But there is no point in me replying further because you’ve made up your mind. Your not interested in what I’m actually saying. Despite the fact that clumsy as it may be in places. It makes sense. You don’t have to agree with me. I can live with that.

Judging by a recent thread on smacking kids, there appear to be many people who think violence is an acceptable method of communication.

When kids are growing up in households where smacking someone weaker than you because they annoyed you, or did something wrong or just because you're angry, it's no wonder we have adult men who do the same thing and women who accept it as normal.

Even kids who weren't smacked are growing up with friends who's parents do smack them, and these friends will then copy these behaviours towards their peers.

Once any kind of violence towards another is seen as taboo - even the 'light tap' () then maybe we might make some inroads into reducing DV

So I’m not saying what about the men. It happens to men too etc. We know it does funnily enough someone mentioned Johnny Depp. I don’t know what happened there cos I wasn’t there. None of us were. But I do know he has filed paperwork where she has admitted hitting him while she was drunk and he was sober. She’s admitted that under oath or whatever they do in America. So I don’t think we have the whole story there. But that’s by the by. But I fear her and Roxanne Pallett have done untold damage to the support women with dv should receive

Oh fuck off. There is video footage of Jonny Depp abusing Amber Heard, a picture of the bruise where he threw a phone at her face and texts from his assistant confirming abuse. But you focus on one aspect which may or may not be true. 3 women a week are murdered but people give more of a shit about Ryan Thomas, who has not been adversely affected by that situation. People like you minimise and make it worse. Focus on the women. It's the only way we will stop it happening