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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fucking sick of domestic violence and men abusing women?

280 replies

Frouby · 13/09/2018 21:01

I know I am not BU. But am venting on here to let off steam.

Last weekend there was a horrible incident on our estate. I don't want to give details as it's an active case. But after years of abuse a woman is in hospital after very nearly being murdered by her exp.

My dsis is currently being emotionally, financially and physically abused by her husband. They have been seperated for a couple of years now but have an on/off relationship. 2 weeks ago he broke her nose. This week he has smashed her car up, smashed her windows (again), taken her house and car keys and his childs bike. She has been staying either with her grown up dd or my mams. Her 10 year old has autism. He isn't coping very well with the upset. His father is using him to get to his mother.

Day after fucking day I read stories like this on mn. I see my sisters being abused by men. I saw my mum abused by my stepfather. My aunties ex husband commited bigamy, left her bankrupt and homeless. My friend has an on/off boyfriend who is a drug addict and she is almost bankrupt as he has financially crippled her for years.

I shouted at my dsis tonight. Told her if she didn't report his latest cunts trick to the police herself I would be doing it to SS. That she needs to do something to stop the absolute fucking bastard she married from making hers and her ds and her grown dd who has a newborn from living their lives around that piece of shit.

She says they won't do anything. I suspect that she is right.

My mum ended up homeless for 10 minths with 6 dcs when she finally left my step dad. He kept the family home by terrorising her into not fighting for it.

Am just absolutely fucking sick of men abusing women and getting away with it. Why? If I walked up to a stranger and broke their nose I would probably do time. If I broke into someones house, smashed their car up and stole property I would do time.

My other dsis was held for 3 hours by her ex at knife point and threatened with being raped and her throat cut. He got a 2 years suspended sentence and an anger management course. It's a fucking absolute disgrace.

Why are these crimes against women not taken seriously because they are crimes by partners or former partners? I just don't get it.

OP posts:
Oswin · 13/09/2018 22:30

Fucks sake i have never been so disgusted. On this thread where Op is obviously upset you fucking blame victim, pretend like male violence isnt a thing. Then give the mother of sons bullshit.
Fuck off.

GunpowderGelatine · 13/09/2018 22:30

YY Nothing I remember watching something like 999 what's your emergency and the dedicated DV police officer, a woman, was the worst. Talked about how women "chose" violent men, she didn't know why they stayed and when they shadowed her to a DV incident she was laughing and joking with the man who'd just punched his wife. Sadly I've heard this is what it's like IRL too. No wonder women feel helpless.

womanintrousers · 13/09/2018 22:32

Can we just make a pact to IGNORE WATM on these threads. OP is clearly blinded with fury and righteously so. YANBU OP, not at all. I read story after story and see this amongst my own friends and family.

I hope you can be strong and pull through for your family, it must be devastating for you.

Flowers
Creeper8 · 13/09/2018 22:33

After the way I was dealt with by the police for reporting my violent I decided I would never report any DV ever again.

I know lots of women who havent reported incidents with their partners/exes. So much goes unreported.

Rufustheyawningreindeer · 13/09/2018 22:34

frouby

Flowers
WrongOnTInternet · 13/09/2018 22:34

YADNBU and shame on all of those who start up with the 'what about the poor men' to a domestic violence victim on a site called MUMSnet. Bugger off with it.

I lived next door to a domestic violence victim, for a few weeks, before he apparently found her and she fled with her toddler again. She had to run, he had been known to drag her around their old house and throw her down the stairs. Probably she'll be running forever and I wish I could have done something. Police were 'building up a case' apparently. Absolutely bloody worthless. Male violence is basically legal.

hammeringinmyhead · 13/09/2018 22:46

YANBU. The most terrifying thing is that some these men will only stop terrorising their victims when they are dead. Stephen King wrote a novel called Rose Madder which had the inside of an abusive, single-minded man's head absolutely nailed on and I have never forgotten it.

ParkheadParadise · 13/09/2018 22:47

My dd's ex partner was a evil bastard.
He murdered her, he walked free on a not proven verdict.

smotheroffive · 13/09/2018 22:49

I didn't report most and couldn't bring myself to speak about the worst, but if you survive it can damage for life.

It's heart-warming to hear non-abusive men making a stand with women against it, when often the police don't and services are nowhere to be found.

Your family situation is horrific OP Flowers but its certainly not unusual sadly Sad. So sorry for you and yours experiences.

It is notoriously hard to stand up to someone in an intimate relationship that is stronger and continually demeaning and then swears undying love and can't live without you \whatever hook works

smotheroffive · 13/09/2018 22:52

paradise oh god just no words could be enough Sad Flowers

SausageOnAFork · 13/09/2018 23:03

There is nothing I could say Paradise I’m sorry you’ve had to read some of the previous posts.

user764329056 · 13/09/2018 23:04

Am with you OP, on any given day the news contains reports of women being attacked/murdered by men, usually their current partner or ex, it’s a fucking disgrace and I wish someone in power had the guts to make this high up profile enough to make changes or at least raise awareness, but it is never given priority on anybody’s political agenda and we have a fucking female PM, what a joke

smotheroffive · 13/09/2018 23:15

Curious why we are not blaming all the male PM's in office all the years this has been going on.
Men and women need to stand together against it

JoyTheUnicorn · 13/09/2018 23:25

Horrific OP, and yet only four replies in we have the wholly predictable "what about the men" Hmm.
It's about time that men own male violence and sort it out.

OP YADNBU!

JoyTheUnicorn · 13/09/2018 23:26

Paradise I'm so sorry 💐

smotheroffive · 14/09/2018 00:00

I'm just sick and tired of a male trying to defend men in a situation where a man is threatening a woman, what is all that about? Not all men are abusive but it does make me wonder whether the male that defends is abusive themselves, as its completely condoning it.
Like anyone within earshot of mysogynystic crap that doesn't turn and have something to say about it.
Abusive men need to know that the other men DO NOT agree with them, and they're on their own.

PlantsArePeopleToo · 14/09/2018 00:15

Misandry is a stupid made up word.

I too have a son @NewYearNewMe18 and I'm sure he'll be fine.

Original poster
Frouby · 14/09/2018 06:34

Wow.

I was so furious when I read the first 'what about the menz' post I turned my phone off.

Just fuck off with that shit.

I know lots of men. I have a brother, cousins, uncles, friends, colleagues, brother in laws. As many men as women. Not fucking one has ever been the victim of domestic abuse.

I am a normal, working class 40 year old woman. My friends and family range from poor working class to probably upper middle class. The only thing that the men who abuse them have in common in that they are men.

It's not that my friends or family are from deprived backgrounds. Or sink estates. Or the women go out and deliberately seek the kind of man to systematically abuse you emotionally, sexually,financially and physically. The men doing the abuse don't say 'hey, we've had a brilliant first date, but just so you know, in about 3 years when we are married and you are pregnant there is a good chance I will begin a pattern of abuse that will lead to me breaking your nose in front of our child, but don't worry the police won't do anything'.

I also have a son. And a brother. And nephews. And a husband. If they abuse women then they are abusive bastards as well. I can only say hand on heart that my husband doesnt abuse me. I can't 100% guarantee that the others don't. Because domestic abuse is insidious and dirty and shameful and we only see the headlines and the black eyes and read the statistics. We don't see or hear about the day in, day out abuse that happens. Ds is 4, I can't say that he won't grow up to be an abuser. Because he will grow up to be a man.

And that's fucking sad, that society and the authorities and families and men and women accept that some men abuse women. And it's classless and still not called out in a developed country with one of the best legal systems in the world.

Women are still beaten and abused and assaulted and terrorised by men. And the men get away with it time after time after time. I made my dsis go to the police last night to report what her husband did to her. Just to recap he broke her nose 2 weeks ago. He broke into her house. He stole her property. He smashed her car up. He did all this in front of her and her neighbours.

The police have told her it's a civil matter, that she needs to get a solicitor. That she should apply for an injunction because as they are married he has a right to enter the home. This is a house they have never lived in as a couple. They have been living separately for about 3 years. It's her fucking house.

So fuck off with the 'what about the menz'.

To the rest of the posters who have suffered Flowers. It's a disgrace that anyone has.

OP posts:
GulagMilkMonitor · 14/09/2018 06:38

Men need to get their house in order.
They need to be challenging each other about male violence. This needs a wide scale discussion but they won’t do it.

Pinkyponkcustard · 14/09/2018 06:44

Yanbu!

And they way that the media report these things is all wrong. A friend of mine had an evil ex who used to beat her up, he was regularly in front of the police. When he finally commuted suicide (on her birthday, on the playing field near her house, leaving a message on her phone saying it was her fault) the media afterwards got hold of her statement (think it was the inquest) and left out everything except her saying she was glad he was at rest. The media article made him out to be a victim and her to be a complete bitch.

TanteRose · 14/09/2018 06:47

YANBU - experienced this close at hand (altho not personally)

Flowers for all those women who have experienced DV - its not your fault. And I say that because so many women think it is Sad

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 14/09/2018 06:48

Wow OP

You really are in the eye of the storm

I read it (and am horrified ) and experience to a degree but the degree you are seeing is awful

I don’t know what the answer is .

Maybe if you feel this passionate could you could take on an education /training role . At least you will feel you are doing something

I don’t really understand it . Why men do this

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 14/09/2018 06:53

It's absolutely sickening for mothers of sons to read this misandry every day

I am a mother of sons . For them I worry about exressing their emotions , not getting beaten up , being happy and getting to adulthood in these rather turbulent Brexit times

But I would worry a hell of a lot more if I had DD as in addition to the above there is a higher rate of sexual assault to factor in and the simple fact of child bearing

Whatever why I slice it and dice it women are at more risk

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 14/09/2018 06:54

ParkheadParadise

There are no words are there ? Whatever I want to say will land as a trite . I am so sorry for your loss .

Blacksquirrellysock · 14/09/2018 07:02

Oh Paradise. No words. I am so sorry. Flowers

OP YANBU. I am fucking sick of it. It is so entrenched in our society, so accepted as the norm. It’s just what men do.

I am also sick of the silence of non abusive men. The bar is ‘well I don’t hit my wife so that’s enough surely’.