To be fucking sick of domestic violence and men abusing women?

[Frouby]

I know I am not BU. But am venting on here to let off steam.

Last weekend there was a horrible incident on our estate. I don't want to give details as it's an active case. But after years of abuse a woman is in hospital after very nearly being murdered by her exp.

My dsis is currently being emotionally, financially and physically abused by her husband. They have been seperated for a couple of years now but have an on/off relationship. 2 weeks ago he broke her nose. This week he has smashed her car up, smashed her windows (again), taken her house and car keys and his childs bike. She has been staying either with her grown up dd or my mams. Her 10 year old has autism. He isn't coping very well with the upset. His father is using him to get to his mother.

Day after fucking day I read stories like this on mn. I see my sisters being abused by men. I saw my mum abused by my stepfather. My aunties ex husband commited bigamy, left her bankrupt and homeless. My friend has an on/off boyfriend who is a drug addict and she is almost bankrupt as he has financially crippled her for years.

I shouted at my dsis tonight. Told her if she didn't report his latest cunts trick to the police herself I would be doing it to SS. That she needs to do something to stop the absolute fucking bastard she married from making hers and her ds and her grown dd who has a newborn from living their lives around that piece of shit.

She says they won't do anything. I suspect that she is right.

My mum ended up homeless for 10 minths with 6 dcs when she finally left my step dad. He kept the family home by terrorising her into not fighting for it.

Am just absolutely fucking sick of men abusing women and getting away with it. Why? If I walked up to a stranger and broke their nose I would probably do time. If I broke into someones house, smashed their car up and stole property I would do time.

My other dsis was held for 3 hours by her ex at knife point and threatened with being raped and her throat cut. He got a 2 years suspended sentence and an anger management course. It's a fucking absolute disgrace.

Why are these crimes against women not taken seriously because they are crimes by partners or former partners? I just don't get it.

ParkheadParadise

Jesus Frouby that's awful. How can the police allow this? I'm lost for words.

YANBU

I have sons. I still find it sickening.

It starts with the boys will be boys shit and carries on from there. It's disgusting.

Parents of sons- instead of being defensive about it. Educate. Nurture. Teach your boys to value positive relationships. Don't be part of the problem.

YANBU op.

I work in education and see the damage it does to kids also. Reading MARAC notes is a real opener. Some of the things that go on behind closed doors are truly shocking and appalling.

I'm going into work today to deal with a 14 yo boy who intimidated and threatened a female adult into getting what he wanted earlier this week. What I want to say is I don't want him to turn into the kind of man who intimidates and abuses women when he doesn't get his own way!

ASauvignon I attend MARAC from time to time. It's utterly horrifying. Every week, there are 12-15 cases reported, and the area covered is only half a (smallish) county. I come out feeling angry, sick and close to despair.

On the rare occasions when a prosecution is brought and the prepetrator convicted, the sentences are pathetic. A man got 4 months for terrorising a woman and beating her so badly she had serious head injuries. A little while after he got out, he committed another offence, which got him 8 years. It was a burglary, where £40k's worth of antique silver was stolen. It would appear that a woman's head is worth a hell of a lot less than £40k.

I am utterly, totally sick of it. It has to fucking stop.

Parkhead...l too am at a loss for somehting to convey my feelings for you without sounding trite.......my heart breaks for you. I hope he rots in hell.

Frouby...l agree 100% with all you said

Other non abusive men do not understand the fear merely being a female brings....walking alone looking over your shoulder/having spidey senses on during interaction with strange men/getting a cab home when you would rather walk as its dark....we grow up with a high alert around men........and we are fed up with having to do it.

As many of those in authority are men there is ofter a complacency about the serious nature of DV.

I still think women HAVE to name and shame publicly to get support, women are often far to forgiving and men take advantage of that....we need to get angry and say NO l will out you...l will tell friends/family/your boss/the whole wide world that YOU are a wife/child beater, we need to not be silenced.

As many of those in authority are men there is ofter a complacency about the serious nature of DV.

This, absolutely.

It's absolutely sickening for mothers of sons to read this misandry every day

I have a son, I absolutely want him to know about the shit women face and why we have ever reason to be wary of men. Hopeful with this knowledge when he's an adult he'll do things like cross the road away from her if he's walking down the road and finds himself walking behind an unknown woman, he won't laugh at his friends rape jokes and will pull them up on it, he'll accept a women might not want to talk to him and his first thought won't be men, men men.

I haven't RTWT but I am in talks with the writer, editor and director or a film about domestic violence in the US, trying to get a UK version made. It's called what doesn't kill me, and is a tough - but important - watch. The point it makes is that the abusers often get custody. Any ideas on how to get the project off the ground welcome! I got involved after seeing a screener of the US version, smugly thinking that would never happen here, and getting that idea knocked out of me.

NO l will out you...l will tell friends/family/your boss/the whole wide world that YOU are a wife/child beater,

Great, except the community very offen sides with the man and the women (or child) is the one shunned.

People need education. By someone like the fabulous Jane Monkton Smith. They need to understand the psychology of domestic abuse and therefore be less likely to blame the victim and offer better support.
My own mother still thinks my ex was a good bloke despite me suffering for three years, having a fractured skull, burst eardrum and many many massive bruises. She fucking knew half of it but decided to ignore it, I'm seen as "difficult" in our family as I wasn't a bit feisty as a teen and speak my mind freely.
The person who eventually got me to leave was my step mum, herself a survivor who told me that I could go to her as many time she as I needed. This ends the isolation that abusers so badly need to continue.
My Dh is in the police and has had cases where the woman's family are pleading on behalf of the perpetrator as their relative " brought it in herself" Yes HERself!
I, confronted my mum once and told her a few facts. She actually said "well I don't think that's true is it?"
Attitudes need changing, people cannot possibly understand the utter terror of being attacked in YOUR OWN HOME, and having nobody to go to for comfort as everyone thinks you are a fool for not leaving or that you must be exaggerating/bringing it on yourself.

No, but then Im not racist nor misandrist or bigoted

You’re a stonking mysoginist though.

YANBU

I suffered DA at the hands of my ex.
3 1/2 years we were together when things were peachy, we moved in together away from family and that’s when it began.

When I ended it, after to biding my time and getting my finances in order, I was left with nobody (except family) believing me as he was ‘too nice’.

My friend of 14 years ended up marrying him and having his child, after ghosting me of course.
She messaged me last year to apologise and say I was right. It’s sickening not just the amount of men who abuse women, but the amount of people who say it never happened and abandon people they’ve known most of their lives to side with the other person.

Funnily enough his mum never, ever, called me a liar.

Jesus Frouby since when was breaking someone's nose not a police matter??
I am aghast but not that surprised.
My own experience with the police was lower level but similar. My ex assaulted our 14 year old son by pushing him across a room, holding him up against a wall and shouting in his face. The police did nothing despite the fact that I reported it as an eye witness. I complained to the sergeant in charge but he became threatening and suggested that my ex could make a complaint against my son for starting it (he didn't). So I dropped it.
Coercive control is supposed to be an offence but the standard of proof needed is such that the police are not interested in pursuing it. If they can get away with writing a domestic incident up as no crime they will because it's less work for them.

It was a burglary, where £40k's worth of antique silver was stolen. It would appear that a woman's head is worth a hell of a lot less than £40k

I can't express how furious this makes me.

Hopeful with this knowledge when he's an adult he'll do things like cross the road away from her if he's walking down the road and finds himself walking behind an unknown woman, he won't laugh at his friends rape jokes and will pull them up on it, he'll accept a women might not want to talk to him and his first thought won't be men, men men.

Same here with my son. I hate it when people whinge "I'll teach them to respect EVERYONE" - no, that doesn't work. To achieve equality we (and especially men) need to centre women. We need to teach our sons about everyday sexism and toxic masculinity and concentrate on minimising the damage it does

This was about 15 years ago but I doubt attitudes have changed - me and my friend were on a night out and saw a man punch his girlfriend. The police station was around the corner so we ran and saw a couple of officers outside. When we told them they said they won't be doing anything as it's a 'domestic' issue.

I bet if I pinched a traffic cone though they'd soon have me in handcuffs

James Fell writes a lot about this stuff with a US/Canadian perspective.

Worth a look. He's quite sweary but his piece on saying no is an eye-opener.

I am so fucking angry still.

The woman assaulted locally is still in intensive care. I suspect if she dies he will do time. But not as much as if he murdered a stranger.

I am so sorry that so many of you have suffered. And that in 2018 we still use the word 'domestic' when what actually happened is a man assaulted a woman. Why do we still have that word in our vocabulary to describe an act of violence against another person? Why does it still fucking exist for the police? Domestic should mean at home, not commercial, cosy and safe. Not broken noses and fear and assault.

As a society we abhor football hooligans and rightly so. But there are more sanctions and stronger penalties for men assaulting other men in the name of football than what there are men assaulting women and children in the name of love.

It fucking stinks. It's abhorrent and vile and disgusting. I have a daughter. She is 14. I should be excited about her future, encouraging her to go to uni, helping her with her studies. I should be empowering her to be the best she can be. To be amazing. And she will be. But I also need to tell her that men might assualt her and rape her and harrass her. That because she is a woman she is less safe than her brother when she is out of the house. And that one day, her boyfriend or husband or partner might abuse her in a number of ways and how she should try and keep herself safe.

And the way things are going that she cant visit her aunties house until her aunties husband does something bad enough for the police to take notice and arrest him. And charge him. And that he goes to prison. And we just have to accept that that's the way it is. Because he is a man and my sister is his wife and he can give her broken noses and break in, take her stuff and terrorise her and a 10 year old child. Because it's just a domestic.

And by the way, the Daily Mail can fuck right off.

What can non-abusive men do better to help? I don't mean that in a defensive way, I mean genuinely. As many of you have said, we're typically very passive in our 'support' - as if not hitting our respective partners would make a difference in the bigger picture. But, and I'm sorry if this comes across a little pathetic - we do need to be educated in how we can best fight the situation.

I had a remarkably lucky upbringing, a powerful and compassionate mother and a gentle father, and sometimes it chills me a little - is that the only reason why I'm in the other category?

I read the thread on here this morning about 'in my class boys don't cry' and wonder just how early the process of emotionally processing men into monsters starts... (that's not to excuse, on any level, what we become - just that I'm sure the causes start early.)

ParkheadParadise

Male violence is a lifelong worry for women, from both strangers and within the family
Some boys and men may indeed have to worry about being murdered - but by other men, not women

2 men per week are NOT murdered by their women partners

I'm 62 and I find it sickening that seriously injuring a woman is still considered by police and the courts to be less important than a non-violent crime against property.
When I was a feminist in my teens, I had such higher hopes & expectations for society

Disgraceful that when a women - or even a woman and her children - is actually murdered by her partner / ex,
so many people still blame her for provoking her partner, for nagging - the "female" crime.
People are saddened by his life being ruined

And then we get posters claiming that MN discussing this makes them sick with worry for their sons,
so we should just keep quiet

Others post claiming that women have achieved equality and no longer need feminism.

Male violence is an ongoing problem for women:
98% of sexual assaults and 85% of other serious crimes are committed by men, according to UK statistics for convictions.
Unfortunately, the scale of "domestic" violence committed by men against women is largely ignored in our society.

I read the thread on here this morning about 'in my class boys don't cry' and wonder just how early the process of emotionally processing men into monsters starts... (that's not to excuse, on any level, what we become - just that I'm sure the causes start early.)

I think it starts very, very early. Isn’t there a study about foetal kicks being from a future boxer or a ballerina when the parents know the sex? When my son was little I remember his male friends (toddlers!) being told they weren’t allowed to push the baby buggy. I know several five year old boys who are not allowed to dress up in Princess dresses when they’re playing. I have a cousin who took a pink ball away from his then two-year-old. There’s a definite sense of ‘girlie pink things = weakness but manly boy things = strength’. I have a daughter too and my friend thinks it’s hilarious that she likes trains, she calls her a tomboy - she’s not, she’s a girl and she likes trains.

Look at advertising too - men’s deodorant vs women’s, stationary, clothes, slogans....

newlevels It seems a mixture of nature & nurture, with good role models, men & women, being important in childhood.

More non-abusive men consistently standing up against the others would be a major step forward

I'd say challenge sexist views about rape, domestic and other violence against women that you may find in your wider family or social circle, at work etc

Don't just ignore people who excuse male violence, or who engage in whataboutery - challenge their views openly.

Join in campaigns against cutbacks or closures of womens' shelters and refuges

Be a good role model like that especially to boys and younger men in your family , at work, sport
Explain your views to them

and of course support any woman in your family or social circle who suffers violence - listen to her, what help she needs.

It starts with the small stuff, that's vital to challenge. People here have spoken as if women are too nice, shouldn't it be held as something too aspire to? It is still victim blaming, as is shouting at a domestic violence victim who is too terrified to escape (I use the word the word advisedly as many seem to believe you can simply walk out).
I was told by a man I was too nice, and I felt that I was bad and to blame, of only I hadn't been too nice.

It's starts with the small things, not calling women nags as an excuse for someone not behaving like a partner and pulling their weight around the house, cleaning stuff sharing responsibilities, its not women's work, and so on.