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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To insist only communicate with ex by email?

113 replies

Cantseefortrees · 13/09/2018 15:32

I've namechanged for this as it could possibly be quite identifying.

Me and Ex split 12 years ago. He was emotionally and physically abusive (he denies this although he admits he hit me a couple of times from frustration). I have not dealt with my responses to him well - it's tied up with my father which I struggle to deal with - and any communication from ex still sends me into a tizz.

We ended up in court when we couldn't agree where DCs would live. The DCs witnessed arguing and conflict between us as court went on (and ex hitting me once) and started to refuse contact. They became very emotionally nervous and DC1 had a breakdown. The school referred him to SS. Ultimately long story short court ordered indirect contact only. This was supposed to be for a 12 month period to give everyone a break but ex didn't send anything. At the review hearing he didn't turn up. Nor did he turn up the the next hearing. Judge did final order for indirect contact only. That was 6 years ago. We have had no contact with him since. The DCs still see his family a couple of times a year (they live 4 hours away) when they come to visit family in this area.

Ex has now been in contact and has asked to see the DCs. I said he needed to write due to the length of time of absence and the fact that the DCs now 15, 13 and 12 don't want to see him. He has written every fortnight for the last 3 months. DCs won't read his letters. Their counsellor at school had recommended that I don't force them (even if I could) but keep reminding them the letters are there.

Ex is cross the DCs won't read his letters and now wants to speak to me "regularly" on the phone so they can see that him and me now get on.

The problem is I don't want too. He still triggers me and my responses and I have panic attacks at the thought of speaking to him. I have referred myself back to counselling to deal with this as I know Its not good.

However ex is now blaming me for the no contact between him and DCs. He is saying I am U for refusing to speak to him on the phone or meet up. My argument is it a better for my own health to only communicate with him by email. We shouldn't be discussing any of the issues in front of DCs anyway so it would only be me telling him briefly how they are as I'm not willing to try and force them to speak to him when he is on the phone anyway (which he also wants) so I don't see the benefit of phone calls when emails suffice. DCs already know I email him monthly with updates about them and pics so I am unsure why he is so fixated on the phone (other than I have said no)

I feel like IABU but I think it will cause havoc with my own mental health (I have anxiety and depression issues anyway atm) and so I just don't know what to do!

So I thought I'd put it to the MN jury and see just how U I am being :(

OP posts:
Isadora2007 · 13/09/2018 15:34

You are NOT being unreasonable at all.

ExFury · 13/09/2018 15:35

Tell him to whistle. At those ages court would take the children’s views into account, which is probably why he hasn’t threatened court action. Keep as you are - and he’s lucky you email him monthly imo, after 6 years he’d be getting nothing from me that wasn’t court ordered.

Isadora2007 · 13/09/2018 15:36

Sorry. In my rush to answer you I pressed post too soon!
His children wanting no contact with him is HIS fault and the consequences of HIS actions. I would be telling him further contact can only be via a contact centre. Or my solicitor.

PipeTheFuckDown · 13/09/2018 15:37

He’d get fuck all from me.

He’s dug his own grave.

Cunt.

PipeTheFuckDown · 13/09/2018 15:38

No contact centre either - Judge ordered indirect contact ONLY and contact centre is direct contact so NO fuck that.

kitkatsky · 13/09/2018 15:41

Not at all. You can prepare yourself for emails/ open when you're with people to support you. I had to get my ex to do that as I couldn't deal with the texts and calls. My solicitor wrote to tell him emails only- he'd still be vile but I'd only open the messages at work when I had people around

PilarTernera · 13/09/2018 15:43

YANBU

Contact is for the benefit of the children. How would you speaking on the phone to xh benefit the children?

He is trying to control you. Protect your own health.

Feefeetrixabelle · 13/09/2018 15:45

I would stick with written. You could say he is welcome to send you a letter too each month which you will open in front of the children and share with them. One of two things will happen. He will a, write and apologise and your kids will learn he’s capable of that or b, he will send abuse and your kids will learn nothing that they didn’t know already.

ThreeAnkleBiters · 13/09/2018 15:47

YANBU why on earth should you facilitate the relationship between your abusive ex and the children who quite reasonably want nothing to do with him.

PrincessWire · 13/09/2018 15:47

Nah, he's trying to make you dance to his tune after he's not bothered for 6 years. Let him have his tantrums and see how far it gets him.

QuizzlyBear · 13/09/2018 15:51

YANBU! I'd offer him the choice of email updates from you or communication only through solicitors (which you'd be well within your rights to insist upon).

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 13/09/2018 15:53

He may also want to phone as it's more difficult to keep records of conversations - you can forward/print/screenshot e-mails and texts, but if he calls you when you're at the supermarket and screams abuse, how can you prove it?

I expect there's a way, but I'm not v. tech-savvy...I wouldn't trust him.

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 13/09/2018 15:59

Tell him to fuck off to the far end of fuck.
And then fuck off some more.
Block him.
You owe him not a jot.

pumpastrotter · 13/09/2018 16:08

I have to speak to my ex only through messages or it ends in an argument. He was abusive and at one point I had a restraining order against him. He still sees DC but I simply cannot communicate directly to him. It is difficult to explain, but I know what he's like and any snide/provoking comments he makes, which wouldn't necessarily be picked up by others, I immediately recognise and get defensive - then of course, I'm the one starting the arguments and being difficult. It's not worth the stress or anxiety for you, because he will almost definitely use it as a way to pick at you again. If he keeps pushing for more contact with you and blaming you for the kids not wanting anything to do with him, cut contact all together. He can go through court again if he is that bothered.

TooManyPaws · 13/09/2018 16:08

Block him. Get caller ID and don't answer any unknown number. Contact through solicitor only. If he doesn't like that, he can go back to court. He's just trying to control you again.

ShawshanksRedemption · 13/09/2018 16:17

So he hasn't really changed at all, still bullying you and wanting to be in control and blaming others. Neither you or your children need him in your lives when he has not changed at all, he will only cause harm.

YANBU in wanting to protect them, and also your own mental health.

Original poster
Cantseefortrees · 13/09/2018 16:27

Thanks for the responses everyone. I wasn't actually expecting to be told I wasnt being unreasonable!

I am actually really upset by how little progress I have made in my reaction to him. I had CBT after we split, freedom course, assertiveness course and I really thought I had mastered my response to him. Apparently its easier to respond sensibly to the ex when I have no contact with him - who knew?!

His argument - which irritatingly does make some sense - is that given the reason they stopped seeing him was largely down to him and me not getting on that if they could see that we were getting on it might encourage them to read his emails. That would then hopefully lead to them responding to them, and then onto direct contact.

In theory I agree with him. They could benefit from a relationship with him. He was not violent towards them, and he doesn't appear to be violent towards his new partner (4 years). Him and me were a terrible match. I am quite passive and accommodating, and he is quite assertive. In time I rubbed him up the wrong way, and he got cross at my inability to make a decision. Him getting cross made me even more unable to make a decision and we spiraled down from there! Because I agreed with him that contact with him "might be" a good thing, hes now using that statement to beat me into forcing them to have contact as I agreed it should be happening. It isn't quite what I said, but he does this to me. Whatever I say he just slightly alters what I said but somehow it changes the whole meaning.

Now, hes saying we should be able to behave like adults and have a phone conversation. Without our history thats right, we should. But the history is why I dont want to, but them im told we need to stop focusing on the past and instead focus on the future and the DCs.

Gah makes my head spin!

OP posts:
Aprilshowersnowastorm · 13/09/2018 16:32

Imo your dc will benefit from your happiness and positive mental health a lot more than anything that fuckwit has it offer.

Original poster
Cantseefortrees · 13/09/2018 16:35

pumpa thats exactly it. The statements he makes on the face of it arent unreasonable. Its the way he says them, and the subtext.

Like hes told me that "he understands if I cannot control my reactions to him if we meet face to face". I have never ever hit him. I never ever shouted at him. Not once. I was scared to. My reactions to him were to completely shut down. Agree with whatever he said. Yet that statement somehow makes me the problem.

Then I know if I disputed it, I get "You know that I strongly refute your version of events, however it is unhelpful for us to focus on the past issues. We instead need to focus on moving this matter forward for the interests of the DCs. If you do not feel that you can control yourself around me in a private meeting, I am willing to meet you at a location of your choice, along with whoever you would wish to invite".

This happens in writing and in person, at least in emails I can go back and see and unravel myself if that makes sense. In person I am so twisted into knots that I dont know up from down anymore. And I have no reference when I try and look back. At least in emails I can see I said what I thought I said?

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 13/09/2018 16:39

Stop trying to make sense of his abuse. You are still letting him win if you make excuses for him. Do not start speaking to him on the phone. How he can blame you when he didn't send anything for 6 years is beyond me.

AllyMcBeagle · 13/09/2018 16:40

His argument - which irritatingly does make some sense - is that given the reason they stopped seeing him was largely down to him and me not getting on that if they could see that we were getting on it might encourage them to read his emails. That would then hopefully lead to them responding to them, and then onto direct contact.

You do not owe him this. His relationship with his children is not your fault and is not for you to fix.

Keep communications by e-mail, make them to the point and bland (I assume you have heard if "grey rock"?) and as pp have mentioned you also then have the advantage of having records to keep.

catsofa · 13/09/2018 16:41

No fucking way. He was abusive and you still on some level think you were to blame. You're still susceptible to being convinced that you've wronged him and that the kids need him. Nobody needs an abusive arsehole. Don't get sucked in again.

You rock, btw.

DangletitsMcDougal · 13/09/2018 16:43

Just say no.... and repeat.

bastardkitty · 13/09/2018 16:47

I am sure they did not stop contact because you and ex 'didn't get on'. Otherwise loads of NRPs would get indirect contact only. Surely they stopped it because he was abusive and hit you in front of the children. Block and ignore. He has no chance of getting a contact order now. I understand your frustration at how much he can get to you. The important thing is the children don't want to see him and they are old enough to decide. The contact order which he has ignored is for indirect contact only. Ignore him. That's all.

LemonsForEveryone · 13/09/2018 16:50

Flat no OP. Tell him that the children know that you email and that is enough. Make it clear that no court would order you to contact him.

Tell him that they are grown up enough to make their own decisions and you cannot ‘make’ them do anything.

Reading this has made me so angry on your behalf! Do not back down!!