To insist only communicate with ex by email?

[Cantseefortrees]

I've namechanged for this as it could possibly be quite identifying.

Me and Ex split 12 years ago. He was emotionally and physically abusive (he denies this although he admits he hit me a couple of times from frustration). I have not dealt with my responses to him well - it's tied up with my father which I struggle to deal with - and any communication from ex still sends me into a tizz.

We ended up in court when we couldn't agree where DCs would live. The DCs witnessed arguing and conflict between us as court went on (and ex hitting me once) and started to refuse contact. They became very emotionally nervous and DC1 had a breakdown. The school referred him to SS. Ultimately long story short court ordered indirect contact only. This was supposed to be for a 12 month period to give everyone a break but ex didn't send anything. At the review hearing he didn't turn up. Nor did he turn up the the next hearing. Judge did final order for indirect contact only. That was 6 years ago. We have had no contact with him since. The DCs still see his family a couple of times a year (they live 4 hours away) when they come to visit family in this area.

Ex has now been in contact and has asked to see the DCs. I said he needed to write due to the length of time of absence and the fact that the DCs now 15, 13 and 12 don't want to see him. He has written every fortnight for the last 3 months. DCs won't read his letters. Their counsellor at school had recommended that I don't force them (even if I could) but keep reminding them the letters are there.

Ex is cross the DCs won't read his letters and now wants to speak to me "regularly" on the phone so they can see that him and me now get on.

The problem is I don't want too. He still triggers me and my responses and I have panic attacks at the thought of speaking to him. I have referred myself back to counselling to deal with this as I know Its not good.

However ex is now blaming me for the no contact between him and DCs. He is saying I am U for refusing to speak to him on the phone or meet up. My argument is it a better for my own health to only communicate with him by email. We shouldn't be discussing any of the issues in front of DCs anyway so it would only be me telling him briefly how they are as I'm not willing to try and force them to speak to him when he is on the phone anyway (which he also wants) so I don't see the benefit of phone calls when emails suffice. DCs already know I email him monthly with updates about them and pics so I am unsure why he is so fixated on the phone (other than I have said no)

I feel like IABU but I think it will cause havoc with my own mental health (I have anxiety and depression issues anyway atm) and so I just don't know what to do!

So I thought I'd put it to the MN jury and see just how U I am being :(

I think a short but succinct response will suffice:-

“I have made my position clear. Continue to send letters to the DC if you wish to do so and if they change their mind about wanting to see you I will ensure they contact you. Otherwise I shall not be responding to any more of your emails and I will certainly not be meeting you or speaking to you on the phone.”

Dear ex

I will no longer respond to any communication from you. I will forward your emails to the children but will not be writing to you any longer, as you are using this as an opportunity to harass and abuse me.

Do not contact me personally again. Address all emails to the children as I will delete anything that is adddessed to me.

If you continue to harass me I will contact the police.

From
Cantsee

He honestly does not deserve anything else. And you deserve so much more. And so do your children.

@Cantseefortrees hope the netball does you some good! 😁

I just feel like I have to justify my answer to him when it differs from his

No you don't. I promise you, you don't EVER owe him (or anybody for that matter) an explanation or try to justify yourself.

He's trying to push all of your buttons, the ones he remembers, any new ones he hadn't found yet that might manage to manipulate you to his advantage. Your therapy, CBT etc was all practiced while he wasn't in touch, and now you're in a brilliant position having practiced at the "easy" setting, for the harder setting. You've got this.

My suggestion for a response:

"No. Please continue with indirect contact with the children as per court instruction. Please cease any attempts to get in touch with me. Thanks."

(Open to other MNers comments on suggested response!)

OP the reason he doesn’t have a relationship with the children is all his own doing. He needs to own and he needs to fix it. And insulting their primary caregiver is not going to endear him to them. Just respond and say unless he stops the emotional abuse and control you will have no choice but to have no contact with him.

How about the following?

"Dear [Ex],

Thank you for your e-mail. I do not agree that telephone or face to face meetings would be beneficial and do not wish to discuss this further. Please continue to send any necessary correspondence to this e-mail address only and I will pass on any messages to the children in accordance with the order dated [XXX].

Kind regards,

Cantseefortrees"

Be super bland. Do not engage. Be as interesting as a grey rock.

OP,I had an abusive ex who disappeared from my ( now) grown up children's lives. They didn't want to see him either, basically cos he was a shit father, and didn't contact them for years.

Then something happened in the family where he got in contact again....kids told him to fuck off.

Please stop making excuses for his behaviour, and please stop trying to justify it. There is NO excuse for what he did...none.

That email is point blank manipulative, do NOT get sucked in.

My reply would be the following.

Dear Cunt ( and I don't use that word lightly)

The children are aware of your letters, but as you haven't been in contact for 6 years, they will make up their own minds as to whether they wish to contact you as they are now old enough.
There is no need for us to speak at all, please do not contact me again.

Yours etc.

And block his email and phone no.
Job done!

Dear ex.
Thank you for your suggestion to meet up or phone to speak, I feel that nothing can be gained from this, so do not intend to meet with you.
You choose the path of no contact, with your own children. I will still keep you informed with your usually email and photos.
The children know you email them.
But I can see no point in your emails to myself, so do not intend to reply again.
Yours sincerely
X

Dear Sir/Madam

Jog on.

Cantsee

My suggestion :D

To Whom it May Concern,

No

Just ran this through my Bullshit Translator (TM)

I am just emailing you as I have had no response to my email sent on 3rd September.
How very dare you ignore me? Your job is to do what I want whenever I snap my fingers. Yes I disappeared for 6 years, but you’ve not replied for 10 days so you can see you are much much worse than me.

As I have pointed out to you previously, it is important that we find a way to move forward in the interest of x, x and x.
See me co-opt the word “we” here. I want you to feel warm fuzzy feelings about us being a team so that you’ll do what I want. Notice how I’m making my problems your responsibility, because when I say “we” I mean I want you to do the emotional labour and fix this.

The days that they have missed out on having a father in their life are already numerous,
Notice the passive voice here. I am in no way responsible for abandoning my children.

we owe it to them all to ensure that it carries on no longer than necessary.

See note above about “we” and forced teaming above. Also that “no longer than necessary” imlying it’s your fault it’s dragging on. If you’d just be reasonable and force the children to see me, I wouldn’t have to be faking reasonableness and sincerity.

I really feel that phone or face to face meetings will be beneficial for the children to know about.
Its easier to manipulate you in person. I like seeing you flustered and upset. It makes me feel better about myself and I’m more likely to get you to agree to what I want. I don’t care if it upsets you.

It might even do us some good, to know that we are righting past wrongs and moving forward together with the childrens best interests in mind.
It would make me feel better if nobody held me responsible for my actions and I can act the big man and great father without expending any effort. Also notice forced teaming again. I want you to feel like you would be a bad person not to make this happen. And look I’m pretending it is beneficial for you to be back in contact with me. (Do us some good).

Please priortise these communications as they deserve.
Again, how very dare you make me wait.

We have already agreed the children deserve both a mother and a father in their lives.
*Never mind the children saw me hit you. Why won’t you all brush that under the carpet?”

Ex
Twatface

I would just delete his emails ... dont even open them and certainly dont talk to him on the phone...
your response is liek a trauma respons (PTSD) my mum has thins from crap from her chidlhood continued in her 1st marriage and even now decades after their eventual divorce she still freaks out a bit when his name mentioned...she started EMDR but says she is too old for it at 70...

please look at getting more help for yourself as it obviously is still an issue.......he can just ftfoand then fo some more...
look after yourself - don't be my mum ....

No no no no no. You know you are not being malicious, stay with what you feel comfortable with. He had options which he chose not to take - if I was refused direct contact with my children I know I would do everything in my power to let them know that they were important to me and that I cared about them.

apols for the typos but think Susann Linder had it right...

you cannot be 'rude' to teh person that hit you in front of your children

The best advice is to ignore him.

Letshopeitsallok

letshope has it.
This is not your doing.
Block him.

I’ve just noticed that’s he doesn’t even pay maintenance.

Fuck him.

Letshopeitsallok your translator is absolutely brilliant.

I work with women and girls who are survivors of abuse and love the absolute clarity that you have given to explains no that email. It’s always the same manipulative script.

Cantsee, I really hope that the unanimous response to you will give you some support in rejecting his way forward. YADNBU.

letshope great analysis
it would be amazing to have a letshope app that would do it automatically!

letshope does have it.
He is a master manipulator only if you let me.

Lots of PP suggested responses will work - then block. I'd actually set up a separate email acc for kids emails just so I knew what I would face when I logged on, rather his twatty emails popping up in my personal email acct.

Best of luck!

Op you are for sure having a trauma response to him! He is triggering you because he has traumatised you and there is likely to be some core trauma perhaps due to your father too? You mentioned him upthread. Please look into PTSD and EMDR. I have similar reactions to my ex and EMDR has really helped. I also have a diagnosis of complex PTSD from childhood, marrying stbexh was an extension of that and then he re traumatised me. Please get the protection and legal advice as necessary.
You've had some great advice and we are all here for you, rooting for you.

So sorry to read your update OP and how much he has traumatised you.
I had this problem and only had to see his name written in an email by a friend for it to trigger an extreme trauma response which I did not expect to happen at all.
I called Womens Aid out of desperation as I had no one to talk to about it and they really helped me by just letting me talk about it and because the lady I spoke to was totally understanding of the situation it helped me a lot.
You can give them a call anytime OP and they will listen to you and offer support

Oh and I agree with other pps about taking control and opening another email account and set it up so all his emails are forwarded to the different account so that they do not appear in our personal email account.
You also will feel a lot better if you do not answer/respond to any of his demands. It will give you back control of your life by not allowing this moron to think he can control and manipulate your life anymore.

You owe him nothing and the dc don’t want to see you. Just email h8m back that, succinctly. No court in the land will order contact and it couldn’t be enforced anyway due to the dc’s ages. He can get to fuck.

His argument - which irritatingly does make some sense - is that given the reason they stopped seeing him was largely down to him and me not getting on that if they could see that we were getting on it might encourage them to read his emails. That would then hopefully lead to them responding to them, and then onto direct contact.

It doesn't make sense, it's too simplistic. They stopped seeing him because he was arguing with you and hit you.

I would stop sending him the monthly emails.

Send one of the suggested emails above. Set up a rule in your email so that his emails go into a dedicated folder. Only go into the folder when you feel strong enough to do so, or get a friend or family member to read them.

Does he send emails for dc or actual letters?