To insist only communicate with ex by email?

[Cantseefortrees]

I've namechanged for this as it could possibly be quite identifying.

Me and Ex split 12 years ago. He was emotionally and physically abusive (he denies this although he admits he hit me a couple of times from frustration). I have not dealt with my responses to him well - it's tied up with my father which I struggle to deal with - and any communication from ex still sends me into a tizz.

We ended up in court when we couldn't agree where DCs would live. The DCs witnessed arguing and conflict between us as court went on (and ex hitting me once) and started to refuse contact. They became very emotionally nervous and DC1 had a breakdown. The school referred him to SS. Ultimately long story short court ordered indirect contact only. This was supposed to be for a 12 month period to give everyone a break but ex didn't send anything. At the review hearing he didn't turn up. Nor did he turn up the the next hearing. Judge did final order for indirect contact only. That was 6 years ago. We have had no contact with him since. The DCs still see his family a couple of times a year (they live 4 hours away) when they come to visit family in this area.

Ex has now been in contact and has asked to see the DCs. I said he needed to write due to the length of time of absence and the fact that the DCs now 15, 13 and 12 don't want to see him. He has written every fortnight for the last 3 months. DCs won't read his letters. Their counsellor at school had recommended that I don't force them (even if I could) but keep reminding them the letters are there.

Ex is cross the DCs won't read his letters and now wants to speak to me "regularly" on the phone so they can see that him and me now get on.

The problem is I don't want too. He still triggers me and my responses and I have panic attacks at the thought of speaking to him. I have referred myself back to counselling to deal with this as I know Its not good.

However ex is now blaming me for the no contact between him and DCs. He is saying I am U for refusing to speak to him on the phone or meet up. My argument is it a better for my own health to only communicate with him by email. We shouldn't be discussing any of the issues in front of DCs anyway so it would only be me telling him briefly how they are as I'm not willing to try and force them to speak to him when he is on the phone anyway (which he also wants) so I don't see the benefit of phone calls when emails suffice. DCs already know I email him monthly with updates about them and pics so I am unsure why he is so fixated on the phone (other than I have said no)

I feel like IABU but I think it will cause havoc with my own mental health (I have anxiety and depression issues anyway atm) and so I just don't know what to do!

So I thought I'd put it to the MN jury and see just how U I am being :(

Hi everyone, thanks very much.

I just couldnt face coming back to the thread last night .. not because of you vipers, you are all amazing, but just because I am so drained by it all.

Have had a rubbish nights sleep and one of those mornings. Just little things, but am ready to hibernate for winter.

I have sent a reply just saying

As I have indicated previously, I do not see any benefit to communicating in anyway other than writing at this time.

I have had a response, not opened it yet, think ill need chocolate and a still drink before I do :)

Im debating forwarding it to my mum and deleting it from my inbox so that I can just leave it for a while. But not sure if imagining what it says will be worse than actually reading it.

I will look into the counselling things mentioned above. I need to do something.

@cantseefortrees - my DP is in exactly the same position with his exw. She's a narc type and abusive, and he went NC with her in February after she got him arrested on malicious claim of assault.

On the advice of the police and his solicitor, he now only has email contact with her but she has tried numerous times to get him to phone her or meet face to face. Knowing what she's like, she doesn't want a written record of what she wants to say, or she wants to try to get him arrested again.

Don't cave in, it's not worth it. You're doing the right thing and he's an abusive twat.

Well done OP 👏 That is a good response and just keep taking small steps. There is no need to read his email urgently - if anything, it's probably good to leave him hanging for a good while (eg a week?) so he knows that you are not at his beck and call, and all communications will be on your terms. Stay strong 💪

I should add leave it a week if you even respond to him at all. You really don't owe him a response.

Do you have a mate or someone on Team You who can read the emails and tell you anything that's actually important?

Oh and if he's just continuing to spout the same nonsense about how he thinks you should talk to him and you want to send anything further, I would suggest:

"I acknowledge receipt of your e-mail dated [XXX]. Please refer to my previous e-mail of 14th September [ie the one that you sent today saying that he should only communicate in writing]. I have no further comment on this matter and will not respond to any further e-mails on this subject."

This is basically what I used to send to vexatious litigants who kept trying to phone me. They would eventually get the message. Just be boring and shut him down.

Basically, if his message is that important it will come from his solicitor, and he will be on a sticky wicket after so many years. So I would ignore the email and know you are doing the best thing you can for your well-being.
The court order says indirect contact with DC. There is nothing in the court order about contact with you.

A friend refused any kind of communication with her abusive ex, she gave him a number which he could ring during or before contact otherwise she wouldn’t answer.

She refused emails and thing else. Court couldn’t force her either.

His argument doesn’t make sense actually.

Your children are afraid of him because he’s abducted and controlling and a bully. Seeing their mother bullied into contact via a medium she does not wish to engage in will underline their fears and be proof that he is still an abusive bully with whom they rightly do not wish to engage.

I wouldn’t bother justifying myself.

Next email. Would be no, I do not wish to put up with your abuse via phone.

A bullying not abducted

Get someone else to read that email for you OP.

Can you set up an auto reply just to his email that says 'please contact me via my solicitors'?

I wish I could give you a big hug.

I hope you find some counselling and legal advice that supports you. I think now he’s back in contact it would be negotiable you. You do have a right to say no and assert your boundaries.

You’ve brought three children up single handed. You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for.

You don’t need to read the reply. What can it say that’s useful to you? If he threatens legal action, then deal with it if it actually arises. You know he’s all talk and no action.

OP i had a very kick ass therapist who is very experienced in abuse . She also does telephone
You have nothing to lose by contacting her and seeing if you like the sound of her

She might be a
Major support . Pm
Me
Or I’ll pm you

Sorry cold hands !

And delete his email and appoint a Soliciter

Life is too short to read emails that make you sick with anxiety