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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To insist only communicate with ex by email?

113 replies

Cantseefortrees · 13/09/2018 15:32

I've namechanged for this as it could possibly be quite identifying.

Me and Ex split 12 years ago. He was emotionally and physically abusive (he denies this although he admits he hit me a couple of times from frustration). I have not dealt with my responses to him well - it's tied up with my father which I struggle to deal with - and any communication from ex still sends me into a tizz.

We ended up in court when we couldn't agree where DCs would live. The DCs witnessed arguing and conflict between us as court went on (and ex hitting me once) and started to refuse contact. They became very emotionally nervous and DC1 had a breakdown. The school referred him to SS. Ultimately long story short court ordered indirect contact only. This was supposed to be for a 12 month period to give everyone a break but ex didn't send anything. At the review hearing he didn't turn up. Nor did he turn up the the next hearing. Judge did final order for indirect contact only. That was 6 years ago. We have had no contact with him since. The DCs still see his family a couple of times a year (they live 4 hours away) when they come to visit family in this area.

Ex has now been in contact and has asked to see the DCs. I said he needed to write due to the length of time of absence and the fact that the DCs now 15, 13 and 12 don't want to see him. He has written every fortnight for the last 3 months. DCs won't read his letters. Their counsellor at school had recommended that I don't force them (even if I could) but keep reminding them the letters are there.

Ex is cross the DCs won't read his letters and now wants to speak to me "regularly" on the phone so they can see that him and me now get on.

The problem is I don't want too. He still triggers me and my responses and I have panic attacks at the thought of speaking to him. I have referred myself back to counselling to deal with this as I know Its not good.

However ex is now blaming me for the no contact between him and DCs. He is saying I am U for refusing to speak to him on the phone or meet up. My argument is it a better for my own health to only communicate with him by email. We shouldn't be discussing any of the issues in front of DCs anyway so it would only be me telling him briefly how they are as I'm not willing to try and force them to speak to him when he is on the phone anyway (which he also wants) so I don't see the benefit of phone calls when emails suffice. DCs already know I email him monthly with updates about them and pics so I am unsure why he is so fixated on the phone (other than I have said no)

I feel like IABU but I think it will cause havoc with my own mental health (I have anxiety and depression issues anyway atm) and so I just don't know what to do!

So I thought I'd put it to the MN jury and see just how U I am being :(

OP posts:

Namechangingagainjustbecause · 13/09/2018 16:54

He’s harassing you. Go to the authorities

subspace · 13/09/2018 16:54

You don't owe him anything. Not. One. Single. Thing.

His behaviour is clearly still awful.

Don't agree to talk with him on the phone. Don't get drawn into the whys and wherefores and discussions and pleadings and bargaining and bullshit.

No is a complete sentence. It's a complete email, too. Sprinkle liberally. You don't have to read his emails even. Is there a supportive family member who could check them over for important content and support you in not replying/replying bare basics only when needed?

He fucked off for six years. The courts have had their say, he could have gone to court, he didn't. He doesn't get to play the it's not fair and it's your fault card now.

The children know exactly what he is so of course they're using their right to not read his letters and that's perfectly normal and understandable. He can carry on sending them. You can carry on supporting the children with whatever decision they make, and none of it has to involve you being in contact with him at all.

Darkstar4855 · 13/09/2018 16:56

YANBU! He has harmed you enough, he has no right to insist that you speak to him and his lack of relationship with his children is his fault, not yours.

YA also NBU to feel triggered and upset by the thought of talking to him, it is not a sign of weakness but rather a sign of the massive harm he did to you at the time. That sort of controlling behaviour and gaslighting is so insidious and so frightning to experience that it’s very, very hard to forget.

Quandary2018 · 13/09/2018 17:00

Do not let him convince you that the reason he doesn’t see them is anything to do with you.
He’s the one who didn’t take up the indirect contact or show up at court. That’s on him. If he had then by now he probably would be seeing the kids, but he didn’t, his choice, so he has to accept the consequences of that.

If he wants to build a relationship with the kids and thinks he should be having direct contact after all this time then he needs to go back to court.

Do not speak to him, he can email you but you do not have to respond. You owe him nothing

jay55 · 13/09/2018 17:04

He and he alone is the reason the kids don’t want any contact.
He’s a violent bully and they know that.
Don’t give him another thought and let him take legal steps if he wants to.

PanamaPattie · 13/09/2018 17:09

I believe you have a final court order for indirect contact only. Send him a copy of the court order by email. Block all and every electronic messages from him. No phone calls. Nothing. You may read any letters to DC if that’s what they want. You owe him nothing at all. Not your circus or monkeys.

Original poster

Cantseefortrees · 13/09/2018 17:46

You are all right. I just feel like I have to justify my answer to him when it differs from his.

Writing. I am not willing to meet up or talk on the phone seems so well rude.

OP posts:

bastardkitty · 13/09/2018 17:50

It's very rude of him to ask when the court order does not allow for it. You're obviously scared of him. It's okay to ignore him.

ArtemisWeatherwax · 13/09/2018 17:58

I just feel like I have to justify my answer to him when it differs from his.

would it help for you to remind yourself that it's not you answer - it's the answer of the judge, who made it after your ex chose not to participate in the court process. Indirect contact only - and no contact with you at all. Let him send the letters. What your DC choose to do with them is up to them.

butterfly56 · 13/09/2018 18:22

Don't put your DCs through anymore crap with the abusive SOB!

They have told you they do not want to see him or read his letters.
Absolutely no point in reminding the DCs that the letters are there.
If I was one of your DCs I would have sent them all back with a cover note telling not to ever try contacting us ever again.

It is their decision and no Judge would force your DCs to have anything to do with him given their age and what already gone on in the past!

AuntieStella · 13/09/2018 18:44

"We instead need to focus on moving this matter forward for the interests of the DCs"

What an arse he is for coming up with thus one!

Tell him, by email, that you note that his focus is on taking forward the interests of the DC, but do not share the idea that after 6 years silence that this is in even the slightest way something for joint focus. And that you will continue to remind DC that he wishes for indirect contact (as authorised in Court) and urge them to read emails, but that you will be doing nothing more.

He needs to realise that his lack of relationship with his DC is not your fault and is not your issue to solve.

BeenThereDone · 13/09/2018 18:47

The answer is no. You don't need to explain your reasons or to justify yourself. If he wants to change it, it should be done through the courts.

No is a full sentence.

YouTheCat · 13/09/2018 18:52

The best interests of the dc is to have no contact with him. He's not changed. He's trying to manipulate you. Tell him he can take it back to court if he wishes to waste his money.

Has he paid maintenance?

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 13/09/2018 18:58

Not BU

It’s awful how he can still mess
With your head isn’t it ?

Stand your ground and allow a very short time period a day when you will read his messages maybe ?

Horrible bully

Sommelierrrr · 13/09/2018 18:59

I'm so sorry you are going through this

Have you sought recent legal advice?

I'm not a solicitor but I would think that block and deleting him from everything was the first step.

The second would be to wait to see if he takes you to court for access.

Thirdly i would log this with the police as harrassment to add to a potential injunction.

Fourthly I would bet money that all is not well in his current relationship. Dont minimise the abuse you've been through by saying that you 'werebt a good match'. Many people are not a good match and it doesn't mean that one party is terrified of the other years later.

Wishing you all the best

Hellywelly10 · 13/09/2018 19:00

I dont think direct contact with him is in your interests either op xx

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 13/09/2018 19:03

It makes me so sad to read this as you are palpably scared and messed up by him

You also seem to be very down on yourself

Please look after yourself as I can read how this has shaken you

And if it really messes with you get some decent therapy

I know an amazing one who does telephone counselling and is very experienced in this domain pm
Me if needs be

Original poster

Cantseefortrees · 13/09/2018 19:13

I don't want to be scared of him. I don't want him to still have this power over me. I am so so cross with myself. Its been years, im sitting here shaking because he has sent me an email because I didn't answer his last one. Its so reasonable on the surface but I can almost feel the subtext swirling around me.

"I am just emailing you as I have had no response to my email sent on 3rd September

As I have pointed out to you previously, it is important that we find a way to move forward in the interest of x, x and x.

The days that they have missed out on having a father in their life are already numerous, we owe it to them all to ensure that it carries on no longer than necessary.

I really feel that phone or face to face meetings will be beneficial for the children to know about. It might even do us some good, to know that we are righting past wrongs and moving forward together with the childrens best interests in mind.

Please priortise these communications as they deserve. We have already agreed the children deserve both a mother and a father in their lives.

OP posts:

Original poster

Cantseefortrees · 13/09/2018 19:16

Arrrggghhh!!

I need to remember by own narrative, not be sucked into his

Right im off to netball. Hopefully throwing some balls through some hoops will help me work off all the anxiety and frustration.

I do appreciate the responses. I dont really have any RL friends (lots of acquaintances but no close friends) and its not something I really talk to any of them about.

OP posts:

Original poster

Cantseefortrees · 13/09/2018 19:17

The netball was to explain why im disappearing for a couple of hours btw.

And no he doesnt pay maintenance Youthecat

OP posts:

mama17 · 13/09/2018 19:20

Your children don't want to see him it's his own fault for being absent for so long. You shouldn't answer to his beck and call the children are old enough to make their own decisions as they clearly understand what's gone on

YouTheCat · 13/09/2018 19:21

He can absolutely fuck the fuck off to the far side of fuck. He abdicated all responsibility when he failed to pay for his children and didn't bother turning up to court.

Maybe an email suggesting he pays 12 years worth of maintenance and then you might think about this.

explodingkitten · 13/09/2018 19:25

"I do not want any direct contact with you anymore. I don't have to for anyone. I feel that you are pressuring me via my well meant email updates. I will therefore stop sending them. Please do not email me again. You are of course allowed to send the DC letters. I will continu giving them to the DC. Any contact further is up to them."

Send him this and block him.

explodingkitten · 13/09/2018 19:26

He will continu to try to engage you in a discussion. Don't answer any of it.

Annandale · 13/09/2018 19:28

That's a horrible and manipulative email. I find it intimidating and i don't even know him. My goodness. I hope the netball helps.

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