To be upset friend has ‘abandoned’ us on holiday

[Abandonedabroad]

My mum has kindly paid for me and my two year old DD to go on holiday to Majorca for my birthday present. I’m a lone parent on a low income and haven’t had a holiday abroad for years nor am I likely to be able to afford one for several more so it’s a huge treat and I have been looking forward to it for many months. My mum has paid for the accommodation for me, DD and a friend and flights for me and DD so friend only had to pay for her flight. I invited one of my best friends to come along. I’ve known her for 13 years, trust her completely, have been on holiday with her before and have never had so much as a cross word let alone an argument with her. She adores DD and is great with her.

Friend wanted to hire a car which I wasn’t bothered about, but she was keen and I offered to go halves but she said she was happy to pay for it as she was getting the holiday free. On that basis I decided to bring DD’s (big, heavy) car seat as it seemed tricky to book one for the hire car and after getting advice on here seemed a better idea overall.

We flew out two days ago. DD had never been on a plane before and was tearful and clingy so it was a huge help to have friend there and would have been a nightmare without her.

We’ve all three of us been suffering with a cold/chesty cough thing since being here but not incapacitated and everyone has been up and about and functioning ok.

Today friend went out for a few hours and on her return announced that she was feeling too unwell, the bed wasn’t comfortable enough and she was going home. I was just in shock and tried asking why but friend just kept repeating she felt ill and was leaving. I got quite panicky and angry and we argued but she’s gone. She took the car seat out of the hire car, brought it up to the apartment and left in the hire car.

I’m just in shock. There’s eight days left of the holiday, I’ve got more luggage than I can carry and I’m on my own with a two year old.

No other friends can come out at short notice.

My boyfriend can’t leave to come here as he’s housesitting. He called my friend to try to figure things out and she said she felt terrible but she had to be by herself and had been dealing with stress building up for a while. I feel bad that she isn’t feeling good but I’m hurt and angry that she’s left me in this situation. I haven’t heard from her since she left this afternoon.

What the fuck do I do? I’ll have to get a taxi to the airport when the time comes but not sure how to book one, it’s a small town and my Spanish is not great.

I would come home early but a) my mum has paid for this and would be really upset so I’m going to have to brave it out and say I had a brilliant time so as not to hurt her feelings and b) leaving early doesn’t actually solve any of the problems of carrying all the stuff and dealing with DD on my own on the plane (she has already informed me several times that she does not like the plane and isn’t going on it 😐) so I might as well stay till the end.

I’m just so bewildered and shocked and perhaps I am being selfish if friend is having some kind of crisis but I just don’t feel like speaking to her again after this

Well we can all make stuff up Kosha but that's really all you've done there!

I've traveled alone with babies. I flew from Washington DC to London with am 11 month old. Seattle to London and back with a 1 yr old and lots of transatlantic trips with toddlers, aged 20 months and up.

People will help when they see you need it. Buy her a special toy and tell her she can only open it on the plane. Make a big deal of it so she get excited for it.

Your friend may still be in Spain and wanted to get away by herself.

Op don't let this spoil your holiday, when the time comes to go home, get someone in the hotel to help carry your luggage to reception, then get them and/or taxi driver to help load it all in the taxi...once the taxi arrives at the airport get the driver to unload it while you grab a luggage trolley, then wheel your luggage to be checked in...

And once you arrive back from your flight , get your luggage from arrivals carousel and load on to luggage trolley, and keep the trolley until you either load the luggage in a taxi or friend/family members car...

If you feel overwhelmed/lost etc at the airport just ask a staff member for help or guidance

Now that you have a plan for how to handle the luggage, you can relax and enjoy your holiday, don't even waste time worrying or thinking about your friend, let that save until you get home, you and your kids should make the most of your holiday so you have wonderful holiday stories and photos to show your mum when you get back

Has your friend been overseas before? Perhaps she panicked when she got sick and just freaked out? Hopefully you will be able to talk to her and get her reason why she just up and left you in such an abrupt manner. The positive is after the holiday you will have the confidence to know that you can holiday on your own with your DC and have a good time. Baptism by fire. You'll do great OP and you'll find your travelling feet.

I am also kinda with 7. If you have been close for 13 yrs and this is out of character for her, I would be really worried about her.

I don’t really see what the OP can do to help the friend. She tried asking why, as did the boyfriend, but the friend doesn’t want to discuss it. In OP’s shoes, I’d just give her space for now. I’d focus on giving DD the best possible holiday and wait until we were back home to figure out how to proceed with the friend.
OP, it’s amazing what you can manage on your own when you have to. You will be fine!

Fuck that. I wouldn't be worried about her, I'd be fuming. She knew the deal when she booked her flight.
But don't worry. Important thing is to get a trolley as you get out of the taxi and have driver wait with luggage (not carry the bastard car seat in one arm and a two year old in the other from the Bordeaux Ryanair cattle shed arrivals lounge like I did last week). You are quite the hero when you travel alone with kids. People seem to recognise the difficulty of the task and give all sorts of help. Buy a few snacks and a sticker book for the plane, and make sure daughter doesn't smell panic when you are at the airport.
I'm sorry though, that was a really shitty thing for her to ruin your holiday like that. She'd have been better off not coming at all.

Has your friend been socialising much with you and your daughter together? A holiday with a 2-year old in tow who is not your own child (so not that endearing) would frankly make me think twice. And you sound a bit needy to be honest. I would help a friend with an unsettled toddler in the plane but I would also kind of resent that being an expectation.

I am sure your daughter is adorable and I have children (way past the baby stage though) so I've been there. Having a young child around is your comfortable reality to which you are used but it is not so for your friend. It can be demanding and draining, you are supposed to put soneone else - the child - first on a continous basis. She thought she was going on a warm relaxing holiday. If she had been stressed out about things i can see how this could have been the last straw in terms of what she can cope with emotionally.

I think you've blown this out of proportion to be honest. @TheSpottedZebra said what i was thinking - I'd be asking my friend if they were okay. For someone to up and leave like that isn't abandonment - they're clearly not doing very well. You have an opportunity to have a lovely time and you're basically wasting it.

I had a lovely holiday with my DC aged 3 in Puerto Soller many years ago. Journey home was a bit of a nightmare (couldn’t afford a taxi) with rucksack and stuff on buggy handlebars....

But we had a lovely time & it helps to be in a place/country where they love children. Majorca is very small & we managed to see a lot of the island on public transport - train, tram & bus

Btw your text to Airbnb host is okay

I could be way off the mark, and apologies if so, but it does feel as if you've brought someone along to help with DD. Your posts read as though you're feeling a bit panicky about coping with her on your own. Which is weird, given you're a single parent.

If your friend has absolutely no previous form for this sort of thing, then I agree with others, that I'd either be really worried for her. Or feeling guilty that I'd mis-sold her a holiday - what she thought was going to be nice break, was actually just pretty much sharing parenting.

How have I made things up? I got every single bit of that from the OP. Who paid for what. What the OP sees the friend’s role as. The horrendous flight out with the ‘clingy and tearful’ two year old. Why she is upset- car seat and luggage. That they are ill (and the weather is shite). None of that is made up. Tell me which bit DID I make up?
Your friend is not a paid nanny. She’s a person in her own right who is free to leave a holiday if SHE in her own right, is not having fun and is feeling unwell. She’s not there as your personal assistant.

I have a toddler. I know they are hard work. As I said I have done a lot of solo international travel with two kids. But other people’s unsettled toddlers. With shite weather. And illness. That is pure hell. I would run away too.

So sorry to hear this.

If you're friend has been under a lot of stress recently and is now not feeling great it could be that she was suffering from anxiety or panic and just wanted to get home where she felt safe. I'm so sorry you argued. Hope she opens up to you about what happened. In the mean time you're a strong independent woman and you got this handled. Get a taxi booked for the airport on your last day. They have loads of those trolley things you can use there. Have a fantastic time in the sunshine and enjoy this amazing treat.

Sounds like once falling ill your friend realised with a two year old around she wasn't going to get a lot of rest.

I think you'll be fine, just relax and enjoy what's around you.

Great advice here.

Have a great holiday. Don't lose a friendship over this.

Op the weather forecast looks pretty good for the next days! Hopefully your spirits will lift. Good luck to you and your little girl!

I'm with those who think you basically took your friend as your chaperone. And since your mother paid for her accommodation, you thought she was therefore obligated to stay and 'look after' you and your toddler, despite being unwell herself. I'm sure it was sold to her as a reduced cost holiday, but in reality she was paying her own travel costs in order to babysit you and your child while you enjoyed yourselves. She gets ill, uncharacteristically leaves and you then think she's being unreasonable. Really?

I think you need to get a bit of a grip; she hasn't 'abandoned' you as she wasn't responsible for you in the first place. You're a fully grown adult in Spain FGS. Spain! It's hardly the Congo or Venezuela is it? You need to stop being so needy and precious and focus on enjoying your holiday!

It sounds like your friend has mental health problems that she is not disclosing.

What she's done is poor and I can see why you're hurt.

But - think how much worse things could be rather than how much better.

You're in Majorca with your daughter - for free! It's an adventure. You'll manage with the taxi. It's Spain not Outer Mongolia. In the past if I've needed something and don't speak the language ask tourist information or a hotel or a bloke in a restaurant to call for you.

People can be very helpful. Change your mindset and have fun

Poor you, this sounds really stressful. The thing is though that you WILL cope and it will give you the confidence to do more in future. It's very strange that your friend has just left, I agree that you may have been expecting a bit much in terms of support with your dd BUT surely as a friend of 13 years she could have talked it through and gone off for some days on her own. Maybe you need to have a really frank talk with her once back in the U.K. and see if the friendship can be rescued. Anyway, don't ruin the rest of your holiday stressing about this, get out there and have fun..., you'll honestly be fine, good luck!

People are being harsh. You must feel disappointed as it's a much wanted and needed holiday. But you can do this! Work out where the nearest walkable nice supermarket is and stock up with some lovely food and wine to enjoy once your 2 year old is in bed. You can do this!

Here's what I would remember, if I were you.

In ten years, this will be a terrific adventure of a story to tell your tearful 12 year old, who doesn't understand why her very best friend just did something she felt was hurtful -- left the slumber party early, maybe.

What will you want to tell her that you did, on this trip? She probably won't remember. Fill this one with photos and memories that later on, you can show her as an example of her mother's resilience and pluck. You want to be the mom who kept going no matter what. I promise, that'll be the lesson you'll want to be able to hand down about this in ten years' time, when you can laugh about it.

Having small children along means a holiday will be vastly different simply because of how little and inflexible they are in relation to adults (nappy changes, naps, eating times etc). I knew that even before I had kids. Your friend was extremely naive if she thought differently.

In your place I wouldn’t have expected her to hang around with us all the time. However, if she wanted some alone time, she should have made this clear and together ensured you also had access to drive the car around. Thus you could have gone out for the day and left her behind for example.

Her insisting she had control of the car is perhaps an idicator that she really didn’t envisage spending all that much time with you in the first place. IE she could use the house as a base and bugger off if she felt like it. In any case, she had an out from the beginning and failed to mention this before booking, which imo is pretty unkind to you.

Maybe she has some kind of mental health issue or perhaps something happened, which spooked her when she was out yesterday. Idk but in any case her behaviour is rather odd. I understand she wanted to leave but she should have taken a little more care to ensure you were ok to get back and perhaps even offered to take the seat seeing as she was in a way responsible for you taking it in the first place.

In your place I’d be more interested in my situation than hers. You only brought the car seat because she hired a car and you only don’t know how to get back because she left without the expected mode of transport.

Give it some breathing space before you decide whether or not to contact your friend. It’s far too early to do so tbh. You both need a bit of space by the sound of it.

Whatever the reason for your friend doing what she did, that’s kind of beside the point in the present moment isn’t it, and can be addressed when you get home. By the way even if she does have some kind of MH related reason, that’s not an excuse for being this shitty to your friend and she still owes you an apology - it might explain and mitigate but it doesn’t excuse. I speak as the proud owner of a MH condition which can make me behave pretty badly at times.

So - what to do now? You’ve had some excellent advice from other posters. I’d like to to add that a holiday on your own with your little one can be a great thing, I too have travelled alone to some far flung places with my DD on my own, starting from when she was about 6m. Ideally yes you wouldn’t have the car seat, but next time you won’t be taking it will you!

Don’t try and do too much in the days, just relax into it and enjoy the time with your baby. Then maybe next year you’ll go away on your own with her again - trust me, it gets more fun by the year as they get older!

Regarding the plane - definitely get some lollipops and a couple of special toys only for the plane. If she needs to be carried on kicking and screaming, do so! When my DD was 3 we stayed in a hotel at the airport as we had an early flight, and she was terrified of the hotel and wanted to go home. Cried all night. On the up side, she was knackered and fell asleep on the plane but still - not a pleasant start to the holiday. Holiday itself was fab though!

Have fun and hope it’s nice and sunny!

Relax and enjoy your holiday. May not be what you planned but you can still have a great time. View it through your child’s eyes and go at her pace - we don’t often get chance to do that do we.

As for the plane - the first priority is keep calm! The more stressed you get, the more stressed she will get. You can help her an awful lot by watching your breathing snd keeping your body as relaxed as possible.

Now go and enjoy your holiday. Wishing you good weather.