I'm stupid / useless but don't know how not to be

[SleepingStandingUp]

Aibu to not know how to change?
As a kid I was always the book loser, key loser, Pe kit loser etc. My Dad dispared and I hated that it cost him money to replace so it was never about not caring or understanding.
As an adult I'm not much better. I still lose keys and phones, I lost my phone about a month ago on the bus and just spent an hour trying to find the bus I left my bag on. It would be my money lost,y money to replace, my time wasted on lost uni notes so again it isn't about having a lack of come back on me for doing it.

I cook and forget to turn the cooker on or off.

I'm clumsy so even if I don't lose my phone I drop it constantly.

I've forgot to take the baby's stuff out and so had to go back or replace or improvise so again, I'm fully aware and distressed at the consequences.

But I still don't know how to stop being so fucking useless and stupid!

If I mention about the bag everyone will just be "typical Sleeping" and when I got pregnant there were so many comments about how I'd leave baby somewhere and forget.

At work I felt it affected how professional I looked (me and I'd badges were a nightmare) and in my personal life it just makes me the butt of jokes and rolled eyes be abuse everyone knows how stupid Sleeping is.

But I don't know how to change and that seems ridiculous. I'm mid 30's, care for a medically complex 3 yo, am studying for my second degree.

How can I change and be less sodding useless?

It sounds like ypu have a lot on with your child, uni and general day to day life so thats probably why your mind wanders and you forget things.

Try to make time, just a minute or 2 every day to organise tourself.

So at the end of the day, pack up a to go bag for the next day and oick out yours and DCs clothing for the next day.

Before you leave the house, stop, breathe and run through a checklist of what you need. The same on the bus, the stop before you are due to get off run through the checklist in your mind.

Most of all stop beating yourself up about it, if your worried or self conscious youll go into panic mode and its impossible to be clear headed when youre panicking.

OP, please don’t keep referring to yourself as stupid. You clearly aren’t, if you’re degree level educated and studying for a second one!
If you were a bloke, you’d be admired as an absent minded professor type and people would scuttle round finding your stuff for you and organising you. It’s only women who are expected to magically multitask!
I tend to write lists of things I need to do or take with me, and tick off as I go, plus try to prepare things the night before if possible.
Be kinder to yourself, accept that you are just scatty natured, and try to mitigate it without belittling yourself. You are not an idiot.

Thing is I can't blame it on being a mom because I've been this way all my life, at least since high school when I had to be responsible for my own stuff.

We do a verbal checklist if DH is home too and I tend to pack and check now Re ds's stuff although occasionally I still utterly forget something. I did think about a ticklist but I'd probay lose it.

The losing thing, I'll think I know where it is until I don't. DH jokes I need a system for where stuff goes which I'll do but then I'll be multitasking and do something else without realising.

I wish there was a book for how to be less crap at life!!

The stop before I pro ably haven't even realised I'm at the stop before. Missing bus stops is also my thing. Instead of a Bing Thing it's a Sleeping Thing.

Any attempt at being more organised never lasts. How did I hold down a job for over a decade??

Sounds like dyspraxia or adhd

I’m not an expert by any means but I’ve seen posts like yours before and they are usually the culprits. Especially when it’s having an ongoing detrimental effect on your life. I’d look a bit further into it. This isn’t just a case of you not bothering to remember.

I know I have to stop telling DS that mommy has been stupid again, oh stupid mommy, what has she done now. But the voice in my head escapes.

Yeah I could probably pull off a a arty professor vibe lol with some adoring secretary (think remake of ghost busters secretary) running around after me 🤣

I just had a quick google to see if there are any medical reasons for this..... it might be worth a read www.health.harvard.edu/blog/7-common-causes-of-forgetfulness-201302225923

You’re not stupid. At most you’re forgetful and there’s a lot worse things you can be. You’re being so hard on yourself. It sounds very distressing but maybe a professional would be able to help.

I hate that feeling of being the ‘joke/entertainment’ and you have to fake laugh. Annoying. Hope you feel better 😘

Right. You are clearly a bright person and you can absolutely do this.

At home: everything has a place and you ALWAYS put it there. If someone puts something else in the spot, move the other thing. Focus on the crucial things at the start: keys, purse, phone.

One handbag: before you go out check for keys, purse, phone. Ideally, have them in a separate pocket so you always know where they are.

Everything else: lists. I like paper lists, but digital also works. I used to use Habitica which made it fun.

Also, there are plenty of books and blogs and videos on this kind of thing. Organisation doesn't come naturally to everyone and THAT'S OKAY. You can learn how to do it, I promise.

Sounds like ADD Attention Deficit Disorder - the sub set ADD (primarily innatentive, so ADHD without the hyperactivity). I was diagnosed a year ago & am now medicated, it has changed my life.

Try this to start with:

www.additudemag.com/adhd-symptoms-test-adults/?tos=accepted

See what you think.

Have you ever been investigated for ADHD OP? Please stop calling yourself stupid

X post

Try a few online tests for ADD, more properly called ADHD-PI.

I was diagnosed last year, age 50.

Really has changed my life. 😳

I'm currently 50, was diagnosed last year, age 49. 😳😳😳

My DS1 is ten, and is dyspraxic and has just been diagnosed with ADHD. We've just adopted a tick list approach as getting out the house in the morning was becoming a nightmare. I think investigating these conditions would be useful for you.

Oh & here’s a list of some of the symptoms:

Disorganisation and forgetfulness

When you have adult ADHD, life often seems chaotic and out of control. Staying organised and on top of things can be extremely challenging—as is sorting out what information is relevant for the task at hand, prioritising the things you need to do, keeping track of tasks and responsibilities, and managing your time. Common symptoms of disorganisation and forgetfulness include:

Poor organisational skills (keeping on top of things can be extremely challenging—as is sorting out what information is relevant for the task at hand, prioritising the things you need to do, keeping track of tasks and responsibilities, and managing your time. Common symptoms of disorganisation and forgetfulness include:

Poor organisational skills (home, office, desk, or car is extremely messy and cluttered)
Tendency to procrastinate
Trouble starting and finishing projects
Chronic lateness
Frequently forgetting appointments, commitments, deadlines
Constantly losing or misplacing things (keys, wallet, phone, documents, bills).
Underestimating the time it will take you to complete tasks.

It is not something you choose - if you have it it means your brain is wired differently, it is a neurological disorder. A lot people of with it people are highly intelligent and academically able - not stupid at all!

In fact this is a great book for understanding the condition:

www.amazon.co.uk/You-Mean-Lazy-Stupid-Crazy/dp/0743264487?tag=mumsnetforum-21

Some people are like this so don't beat yourself about it. What you need is a system. Pull out strings for keys which will be attached to inside of your purse which will be attached by another pull out string to your pocket, strong phone case for when you drop it, literally tie staff to yourself when you need to with retractable string. Including shopping bags, so you don't forget them.
You can buy really cheap smart watch and set reminders for stuff you need to do at certain times.
You will soon feel better! I suspect lots of this is as well because you are stressed and nervous about it and like this you will relax a bit. Sounds "stupid" but it's not.
And you are not stupid either.

I have to have the biggest, heaviest keyrings for my 1 key so I can feel that the bag is lighter than it should be otherwise I would sit in front of our has waiting for my husband to come from work everday while keys would be comfy inside on a table

OP - I’ve just been diagnosed with Inattentive ADD. I lose things I need daily, on a daily basis, sometimes numerous times a day

I'm dyspraxic, your story sounds familiar - have you ever been tested for dyspraxia or anything else? Things that help me: routine, having exact homes for things, visual cues, building moments of time into my commute so that I focus on my belongings and people not commenting on it to start with- instant confidence zapper.

Public transport & commuting is pretty dangerous I find as it's very easy to plop things down or put things in the wrong bag or pocket. My object memory recall is appalling, so I cover it up by being a very organised neat freak.

Oh- and key rings that feel distinct to touch. Utter godsend in a big dark handbag!

@chipsandgin would you mind saying what mess you take? I’ve been on beta blockers and Venlafaxine for years for MDD and anxiety, wondering what sort of meds they give for Inattentive ADD.

Would you say what you say to yourself to a dear friend? It’s horrible to hear.

Hi @PipeTheFuckDown - it’s Elvanse (known as Vyvanse in the States), can only be prescribed by the specialist ADHD units as far as I know. I’ve found it really helpful for focus and organisation. There are a lot of potential side effects though - they monitor you very closely (I think perhaps anxiety & depression were conditions which you couldn’t have - I’ve been very lucky to not ever have suffered MH issues, but I’m not a medical professional so not sure if you can take it in combination with other medication).

Sorry, went to make tea with sharp knives, another thing I have a reputation for causing accidents with.

I am messy, drives DH potty. I seem to tidy up one place and move everything from there but it just goes in circles. I'm a squirrel, I stash my precious things and don't throw them away. And the less precious things. And the tat lol.

Ironically I bought the back pack so I could keep just the stuff I need (uni books, keys, purse etc) then when I drop DS off at nursery I just grab one bag. Give him his school bag. Leave his other bag on buggy with snacks for home etc in it.
Got on bus and it was hot, had back pack on my back, chucked it on luggage wrack....

I've never been tested for anything. I went to a selective girls school in the 90's, they just rolled their eyes and told me to remember my homework tomorrow /le t me kit /lent me lunch money etc.

What's brought up my emotion over it is I was going to FB the see livy people e sit, they all helped today. It I know there will be comments from family of "only you, Stand", "haha, typic Standing!", "not again Standing??". "you need it tied to your Stand", "I don't know how you've never left DS Standing!!"

I'll look at some of those links, not sure how I'd go about getting anything done though

And if you keep losing keys indoors the beeping keyring is a godsend! You whistle, it beeps back!

Last night I spend hours looking through my husbands bags for our passports. He came home and I got a bit worried asking where they were. He looked at me like I had gone mad a tojd me he had given them to me before he left. I really don't think he did. But then I went to look in the usual place and they were there (he wouldn't have put them there) so he must have given them to me and I blanked it. All I am saying us firm good habits and get a bag that you wear across your body so it's harder to forget.