I'm stupid / useless but don't know how not to be

[SleepingStandingUp]

Aibu to not know how to change?
As a kid I was always the book loser, key loser, Pe kit loser etc. My Dad dispared and I hated that it cost him money to replace so it was never about not caring or understanding.
As an adult I'm not much better. I still lose keys and phones, I lost my phone about a month ago on the bus and just spent an hour trying to find the bus I left my bag on. It would be my money lost,y money to replace, my time wasted on lost uni notes so again it isn't about having a lack of come back on me for doing it.

I cook and forget to turn the cooker on or off.

I'm clumsy so even if I don't lose my phone I drop it constantly.

I've forgot to take the baby's stuff out and so had to go back or replace or improvise so again, I'm fully aware and distressed at the consequences.

But I still don't know how to stop being so fucking useless and stupid!

If I mention about the bag everyone will just be "typical Sleeping" and when I got pregnant there were so many comments about how I'd leave baby somewhere and forget.

At work I felt it affected how professional I looked (me and I'd badges were a nightmare) and in my personal life it just makes me the butt of jokes and rolled eyes be abuse everyone knows how stupid Sleeping is.

But I don't know how to change and that seems ridiculous. I'm mid 30's, care for a medically complex 3 yo, am studying for my second degree.

How can I change and be less sodding useless?

Good idea Echo

Back mine is 3, none barely verbal and behind, he isn't of age to help yet alas but yah hopefully in time he'll be really organised and will pack his own school bag to make sure he doesnt forget anything lol

My niece was diagnosed with dyspraxia and it just clicked with me that is what I have. I don't have the forgetful part of it but I am very organised so have probably developed coping strategies for that.

I am very clumsy and have spent my life with my family commenting on it and laughing at me. I walk into door frames, I drop things, I took ages to learn to ride a bike. I know how you feel with the comments and it is horrible. Once my niece was diagnosed they started to understand it a bit more. I am not going for a diagnosis as it doesn't really bother me too much.

I hope you can find some strategies to help you and people around you become more understanding.

One and only one place for things.

Passport goes in a filing cabinet drawer marked "PASSPORT".

Birth certificate goes in another filing cabinet drawer marked "BIRTH CERTIFICATE".

I live alone and never leave the house with a spare house key as well as my main bunch.

Main bunch goes in right trouser pocket or in a small dish on the dresser and 'spare' goes in either right jacket pocket, left rear jeans pocket or in a box with all the other 'bits' that go in my jacket or coat pockets i.e. MP3 player, wallet for my bus pass (which also has a zipper pocket which I use for meds) and safety pins for poppies.

One place and one place only.

without a spare house key.

You could be me

I think I've learned to compensate for some stuff.

I'm always late because I'm crap at getting out so I always aim to be out really early, esp for DS appointments and buggy/bus

I adore planning. I can procrastinate for hours in a colour coded display of awesomeness. And sometimes it works!

@silverlace, mine sounds very like yours. I can be very organised but so clumsy. I also have zero sense of direction. People are either a bit shocked that someone who seems organised & capable can be so cack-handed and get lost so easily, or are shocked that someone who seems inept is actually a bit smarter than they expected.

@SleepingStandingUp I love that too! Everything is colour coded and I am early everywhere. Bit annoying when everyone else is late...

It sounds like you feel better😉 That's good!

Yeah, I bought in ebook on IADD techniques, advice from someone up thread to at least look at their techniques. DH commented in me buying random books and I burst into tears and told him everything. Then made him answer the quiz up thread as comparison (30‰ to my 65‰) and on my behalf (61‰)
I collated his answer for me and mine for the bits where I though his answer wasn't accurate to how I really felt and it was 71‰.

Anywau, uni course opens today so that gives me an excuse to over organise but it also gives me a good time to start trying to put some of the ideas into practice.

Just telling DH even though he never makes the comments helped.
A said knowing its not just me. Thank you all for your kinsbess

I am a little bit like this although not as bad, I do think you should maybe pursue the add thing and there is medication etc that can help

I make mental notes to myself and also don't let things out of my sight

Ie my phone is always with me. Or in a bag in the same pocket. You might have been hot on the bus but don't put things in luggage racks, sit with the bag on your knee so it is in your line of sight Don't put jackets on the coat stand in restaurants keep them with you or they go out of your mind. Have clothes for you and dc down to socks and shoes laid out the night before and all bags packed and checked. Have one place you put things. A key hook at home by the door, all keys go straight on it

Bag is normally hanging off pushchair, don't know why I didn't transfer it when I collected DS.

PROBLEM is I agree Re keys. So keys go into shoe box. Random but worked for AGES. Even if I couldn't remember, DH would say shoe box and I'd look and it would be there. Except I'm not always mindful so occasionally will put it somewhere else and assume I've put it in the shoe box. And because it's so mindless I don't have the visual memory of it, so I might be able to recall twirling it round my finger in the kitchen (past the shoe box) but then the visual recall ends. So now keys are currently lost. I'm trying very hard to put it in the same pocket of my bag. I need to get a spare cut. Put a chunky key ring on it. And I've ordered those retractable key things someone recommended. But I don't know how to do the mindful stuff.

I said to DH he gets on the bus every day, takes his bag off and puts it on and gets off. It's almost muscle memory, there's a subconscious level to his actions. But I don't have that. I do for short bursts but it isn't consistent and therefore it isn't reliable.

You will get there. It's great you spoke with him about it! I honestly think that how you stressed about it, it actually made it worse. Glad to hear you are feeling better and are on a path to be bit more relaxed x

Yes my keys are also currently lost. I'm sure they must be in the house somewhere but I've just had a baby so it's not the most organised house even if I didn't have ADHD.

It's absolutely right that (at least I find) those automatic routines or things like that that others can develop - I don't have that ability and I have to be conscious about everything all the time. The problem is that the human brain isn't really programmed to do everything consciously and it would take an enormous amount of processing power so we tend to default back to unconscious processes. For most adults that works because the unconscious process links with an automatic routine and the outcome is something productive, or at least predictable. But if you can't develop the routines, then the unconscious process simply leads to a random outcome and that can be really frustrating to try and live with.

I always have an emergency set of keys hidden in a special pocket in my bag, because I find it hard to keep track of one set. So I guarantee finding at least one set

I'm a bit like this op. Are you amazing under pressure? Sort of able to do three people job in an hour but incapable of remembering to post a letter on your way home?

I suspect that you have got things that you are amazing at. Try and focus on those.

I'm chronically late too, seemingly incapable of leaving 5 minutes earlier.

The only thing that has worked for me is systems. I used to never be able to find my key. I now always put it in the same drawer and get very cross with my husband when he doesn't. I've never liked routine but the more I build it in the easier things become. Same with my shoes. Marie kondoing my house helped me enormously as I now know where things should be instead of 15 different possibilities.

I can't keep track of my phone though - I lose it twice a day on average.

I still procrastinate though. It's a real condition and I make it worse by pretending I don't have to do things once I have missed the deadline. Terribly stressful.

You sound a bit like my DC3 who is lovely but loses everything. I keep duplicates of most things just for him, including 2 complete PE bags so that he has one whilst the other is on its way back from the bus company again. He also specialises in school detentions for not having brought the right books or handed in his homework, even though he has done it.

Two things which help are : 1. a laminated list on the back of the front door which must have every item ticked off in marker pen before he can leave the house in the morning and 2. Tiles in/on everything important (house keys, mobile, school bag, pencil case, PE bag etc. These are a godsend and you can trace your stuff via an app. Highly recommended.

I'm similarly forgetful. I find it helps if you say to yourself what it is you have done so you don't forget. For example, I'll say to myself "I've put my keys on the side table" or "I haven't turned the stove off yet". After a while, it becomes second nature and I find it really does help you to remember stuff.

Placemarking

OP, haven’t rtft but sounds similar to my boss’s son who has dyslexia and losing/not being able to find things is part of his dyslexia.

Just want to say it might not be your fault! Don’t beat yourself up about it!

Weirdly knowing it might not be my "fault" males me feel like I can put more strategies in place, but key buzzers etc as previously I felt like I'm an intelligent, married woman in my 38's, I shouldn't NEED a buzzer on my keys. I need to be less ridiculous.
When I'm focused I can absolutely do stuff, or I can spend hours happily doing something that I could do in 2 hours of I focused. Not sure I'm always great under pressure although I did replace my sons gastrostomy tube in his stomach during an absolute panic because it had been pulled out! Adrenaline helps lol

So when I take DS to school we need his fed bag, his school bag, his nappy bag, my handbag and his o2 bag. I'm going to buy 5 hooks for the buggy so one thing is on each hook. That way there's a hook for everything and I just need to make sure the hooks are filled with bags!!

I didn't get a spare key cut so trying very hard to not lose the damn thing!!

Talk to your Student Support at Uni. They can get you assessed ( if you want) for Dyspraxia, ADD etc. And then implement support mechanisms to help you. You can claim a Disability Student Grant to pay for it, and for extra support outside of what they can provide. And get extra help, extra time for assignments and exams, 1- 1 support, different methods of teaching etc. "Reasonable Adjustments"

You do not need to wait for a formal diagnosis as that's what the assessment will assess, although it would be a good idea to see your GP to get a diagnosis on the go.

best of luck x

Thanks but I'm doing it with OU x

Try the tile app. My dd is chronically losing stuff and I’m getting her that for Christmas.

There should still be student support available for OU students. Ask your admin about it.

I was going to say Dislexia, Dispraxia or ADHD. My elder sister is the former and she could lose her phone whilst she was still using it.

It was frustrating and horrible for her until she was diagnosed.