I'm stupid / useless but don't know how not to be

[SleepingStandingUp]

Aibu to not know how to change?
As a kid I was always the book loser, key loser, Pe kit loser etc. My Dad dispared and I hated that it cost him money to replace so it was never about not caring or understanding.
As an adult I'm not much better. I still lose keys and phones, I lost my phone about a month ago on the bus and just spent an hour trying to find the bus I left my bag on. It would be my money lost,y money to replace, my time wasted on lost uni notes so again it isn't about having a lack of come back on me for doing it.

I cook and forget to turn the cooker on or off.

I'm clumsy so even if I don't lose my phone I drop it constantly.

I've forgot to take the baby's stuff out and so had to go back or replace or improvise so again, I'm fully aware and distressed at the consequences.

But I still don't know how to stop being so fucking useless and stupid!

If I mention about the bag everyone will just be "typical Sleeping" and when I got pregnant there were so many comments about how I'd leave baby somewhere and forget.

At work I felt it affected how professional I looked (me and I'd badges were a nightmare) and in my personal life it just makes me the butt of jokes and rolled eyes be abuse everyone knows how stupid Sleeping is.

But I don't know how to change and that seems ridiculous. I'm mid 30's, care for a medically complex 3 yo, am studying for my second degree.

How can I change and be less sodding useless?

For a start:Keyhooks in hall. Also in hall, on the wall or mini blackboard a checklist for handbag with keys, phone etc etc. A weekly wall planner for you & kids with appointments stuff re PE, and equipment for clubs etc. If it's staring you in face on a fixed info spot you are more likely to get in habit of being more organised and referring to one concrete 'masterplan' , which you can tailor to your life as you go along.

Thanks, I will. We're just about to start back so good timing.

Definitely not dyslexic. My nephew is and everything he's ever explained about it is not me but the inattentive ADD does ring bells symptom wise

I'm like this - I'm forgetful, disorganised and clumsy, and people think I'm careless with things but I can't stop dropping/misplacing stuff even when I'm trying. I'm also always late and I procrastinate like mad, and I've never been able to ride a bike properly. I've never been diagnosed but strongly suspect I'm dyspraxic. I've found that lists help me - I write down anything not in my usual routine that I need to do. I leave my keys on a hook by the front door and I'm fairly good at remembering to put them there. I put things away as soon as I've used them so I can't lose them (eg purse back in bag straight away). I've also found the FlyLady app useful because again, it's lists, so it prompts me to get stuff ready for tomorrow etc. It doesn't come naturally to me though, and I hate people calling me clumsy or disorganised because it makes me feel worse and I'm already trying so hard!

OP I am fully diagnosed & medicated - but if I answer the test as ‘old me’ I get the same score as you. Definitely worth a trip to the GP. Good luck . You are welcome to pm me if you have any questions.

One of the best resources I've found recently is the Youtube channel How To ADHD. Jessica can come across as a bit peppy and overly cheerful at first but bear with it and watch just one video - I bet you'll find something useful in it.

Pick one of these:

www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLvq9Tp5JZ8oAbferNFcXTb8_MQZXjvnJQ

Thanks Chips xx

Ahh you’ve just described my whole life. I was constantly the careless child, in trouble every 5 seconds as I couldn’t drink without spilling. My husband and I only ever argue about my ‘carelessness’. We have a joint credit card and when I lose mine he gets a new one too and it’s happened about 6 times. I constantly drop things, like multiple times (seems to get worse before my period?). I’m a terrible terrible driver.

Some things I have done to help is always have a bright phone cover so I can see it in my bag quick. Set up find my iPhone and save yourself half an hour in the morning, it beeps even if phone on silent. I have little rhymes like ‘check the door, check the store’ and only then do I put my keys away otherwise I come back up stairs to check 3/4 times, I also say 1, 2, 3 as I put the car in park, turn handbrake on and turn of engine. Again I spend the whole afternoon convinced I’ve left the handbrake off.

Here are a few strategies to try (some mentioned by PP):

1. making lists. Use different headings - to do, to get, to prepare; whatever works for you - and take ten minutes every evening to write it for the next day. Tick off as you go. Not only will it be an external memory help, but the sight of the tasks you’ve successfully completed will also help to rewrite your narrative about your own uselessness. Cos it’s not true!

2. talk aloud protocol. By that I mean describing something you’ve done/where you’ve put something). It makes you feel a bit of a berk at first, but it’s far easier to remember something which has also had a sensory trigger (i.e. hearing yourself saying it) than something you’ve only thought. Part of the study advice you’ll have been given by the OU (and I’m sure what helped you in your first degree) is to hand write your revision notes, right? That’s the same principle (related to depth of retention in your memory).

3. mindfulness exercises. Being able to ground yourself in the present moment can be an incredibly valuable skill, and could be really helpful to you being able to experience and remember the moments that might otherwise somehow slip away. It would also help you to shift your image of yourself as someone unreliable and stupid. Cos you’re really not!

Part of the study advice you’ll have been given by the OU is to hand write your revision notes, right?
Interestingly it isn't their advice, but I do have three full notebooks full from module 1 because I'm definately a visual and kinesthetic learner. I used to write my long-winded uni assignments by hand until they were right then type up at the end. Not much has changed lol.

Lists as a few have suggested at good but I need to not lose them... Phone might be best bet!!

I came home from work yesterday feeling like a failure and wandering whether I can really hack it working a demanding job and juggling 2 young children. Reading this thread I'm pretty sure I have ADHD! I did the test posted early on in the thread and scored 77%. Definitely a inattentive dreamy type. I had suspicions previously but in true me style, never quite got round to doing anything about them! Sleep deprivation and splitting attention between children and work has battered my poor brain over the last few years!

I have really poor organisation, time management, constant losing or forgetting things, messy desk/bag/car/house. I love my job and put everything I have into it but still feel I'm underperforming because I can't get the basics right. I leave with anxiety in case I've forgotten something.

I'm hoping to try and use some strategies to help a bit. God help me when my kiddies start school! Remembering homework/PE kits etc!

I'm also suspicious about my 3yo who is boisterous, on the Go all the time ( I get lots of comments about this from nursery/playgroups)

So OP, you are not alone, big hugs and keep your chin up, you are working extra hard to keep it all together! X

So sorry it hear all the stories of people who are struggling, and thanks for the experiences of those who are learning to cope better.

Fluffy I keep go ogling ADHD in toddlers. I too have a 3 yo who doesn't have an off switch. People see his o2 tubes and assume he's this quiet boy who sits nicely in a corner resting. Pah!
Google has so far convinced me I just have no experience of how Iively they are at this age if you get a lively one. Nursery reckon he sits and focuses so I'm holding on to that!!

My sister has ADHD - she was only diagnosed recently in her mid 30s but we've all spent our lives saying "Only S!" or "S has forgottn / lost it again!" She once had to post her DD out of a window for a friend to take her to school as she'd managed to lock herself in and lose her keys in the house! She comes to my house and when she has gone I collect up all the stuff she has forgotten so I can drop it round hers next time we pop by. Her house is always a mess and all attempts to create order have failed - key boards, special places for stuff, lists, reminders...

She runs up and downstairs all day as she'll go up to get something and come down having done something totally different and forgotten her original errand... Rinse and repeat over and over.

She is very intelligent and has a professional career but how she manages to leave the house in the morning with clothes on amazes me!

I'd suggest you go to the GP and try and get someone to determine if you have ADD, ADHD or similar. My sis now has pills that REALLY improve her concentration in work and a good excuse for when she arrives for a day out with one of her kids without their shoes on!

YY my phone is now my "external brain", everything goes in there and it's rarely out of my sight.

DS was like that at 3 and we're now pursuing diagnosis at 9 but you can't really tell with toddlers unless they have a severe case because many 3yos are like that anyway and grow out of it.

Get it next of those tile things for your keys or bag or anything important so you can always track it. Have a place for everything and be really strict about always putting things in their rightful place. Make lists, write things down, leave yourself notes. Even go as far as having a list on the back of the door for things to check before you leave the house ie are the lights off, cooker off, have you got everything.

I don't know about the why but I certainly think there are solutions that can help you day to day. And please stop putting yourself down. I think you're fab.

Not sure what happened with my autocorrect but the start of my comment was supposed to say 'get one of those tile.. '

Cath2907 if it wasn't for the proffestional career I'd think you were my sister Cath. That's made me tear up somewhat because my god how I'm fat with all the running upstairs I do, I don't know.

I've ordered something similar to the tile thing.

I lose lists or write them and make them pretty. I procrastinate until they become meaningless. A place for everything is great but then I'm multitasking and I put it down and I think I put it in the right place but it isn't there.

I'm trying to do separate bags so only certain things go in certain books not all into one

Late to the thread (ha!), but also diagnosed with ADD in my mid 40s and it's a whole new world. I used to lose passports, tickets, paperwork, forget keys, run out of petrol, piss up and brewery....

Get this book from the library,/ bookstore and you can either binge read or go to the list of questions at the back. www.amazon.com/Taking-Charge-Adult-Russell-Barkley/dp/1606233386?tag=mumsnetforum-21

I'm the same. Routines, checklists and phone reminders. Also taking any unnecessary things off my plate. I've learned to realise when I need a break.

The break thing is interesting, I'm not good at it actually and I think tiredness exacerbates stuff. I used to work a 37 hour week job, plus a 6 hour week job and then volunteer another 12 to 16 hours of a weekend. If I stopped I slept so I didn't stop.

I can do it less now - DS had 18 months in and out of hospital so I had to quit all work. He has always been on o2 and tube feeds.

But I've forgot to turn the o2 on before, just for a short time as I tend to look at it every time I go past. I've forgot milk feed and spent an hour trying to get baby food through a giving set because that's what I could buy. And the fact it impacts on the most important person in the Universe makes me feel shit and embarrassed. I hate myself for any mistake I make towards him and it makes it harder to ask.

He is safe, but that is only a partial reassurance when you know that you aren't as reliable as everyone else

@SleepingStandingUp don't beat yourself up. Everyone makes mistakes and forgets even really important things. Even when it comes to their children.
You really need to cut yourself some slack. You are doing your best at the moment and that's important. Xxx

Sleeping are you me?
Seriously I am exactly like you with the added pleasure of falling over air and breaking bones. I also spill every bit of food I am eating down my top.

Thing is I am dyspraxia. Have a look at this

www.dyspraxiauk.com/adults.php

This def sounds similar to my son's adhd

Pieceofpurplesky I am physically clumsy, I'm always walking into stuff and can trip over nothing. Didn't mention it as it only affects me iyswim so I don't think about it. And I always assume spilling food was cos I'm large breasted so it can't fall on the plate cos I'm in the way!!

Both of those are classic dyspraxia symptoms @SleepingStandingUp - do you struggle with left and right and directions?