I'm stupid / useless but don't know how not to be

[SleepingStandingUp]

Aibu to not know how to change?
As a kid I was always the book loser, key loser, Pe kit loser etc. My Dad dispared and I hated that it cost him money to replace so it was never about not caring or understanding.
As an adult I'm not much better. I still lose keys and phones, I lost my phone about a month ago on the bus and just spent an hour trying to find the bus I left my bag on. It would be my money lost,y money to replace, my time wasted on lost uni notes so again it isn't about having a lack of come back on me for doing it.

I cook and forget to turn the cooker on or off.

I'm clumsy so even if I don't lose my phone I drop it constantly.

I've forgot to take the baby's stuff out and so had to go back or replace or improvise so again, I'm fully aware and distressed at the consequences.

But I still don't know how to stop being so fucking useless and stupid!

If I mention about the bag everyone will just be "typical Sleeping" and when I got pregnant there were so many comments about how I'd leave baby somewhere and forget.

At work I felt it affected how professional I looked (me and I'd badges were a nightmare) and in my personal life it just makes me the butt of jokes and rolled eyes be abuse everyone knows how stupid Sleeping is.

But I don't know how to change and that seems ridiculous. I'm mid 30's, care for a medically complex 3 yo, am studying for my second degree.

How can I change and be less sodding useless?

Honey, people don't realise that it hurts you. It's not malicious. I have friends joking that I always have to have everything differently and that I am different, but luckily I am fibe with that and kniw they don't mean any harm. And they are right. But everyone is different so what's fine for me is not fine for someone else.

Let your friends know that it's hurting you a bit because it is a big problem in your life. You will see they will stop. And the ones who won't? Well screw them.
But you do have to tell them. Not in a joking way. Seriously.

And my phone inside. And it's always on silent of course. I need beeping everything lol

@SleepingStandingUp so get beeper on everything. You will see how much better you will feel after a week of not losing anything😉

And really cobsider some cheap smart watch where you can set reminders and alarms.

Thanks for all the lovely comments. I just hate knowing they're well be something else I do next week.
Did I put my slimming world card back in my book or my purse? Where did I put my book and purse... What's the house key to get out? Oh bugger I've forgot my phone and it has my bus ticket on it. Go back home, get phone. Leave again. Come home. Oh crap I left my book at group!! Etc

ADHD.

I am better with the vital things - we do not miss hospital appts for DS, I'm rarely late for school (I combat late by aiming for really early) but yeah, smart phone set up for other stuff would help

This is me. Broken my phone 3 times in last 3 months, lost my bank card twice, always late....managed to lose my work pass when I was actually in the office

Not to mention I'm clumsy as fuck and covered in bruises and scars from falling over

Very tired of it but think I'm beyond help!

Sounds like dyspraxia or adhd

This is so unhelpful to the OP. She needs strategies, whether she’s got a label or not for this. For instance, the luggage rack thing. She put her bag up there with no plan of how to remember it. Therefore she either needs a plan or needs never to use a luggage rack if at all possible.

Also, OP - I wonder whether you expect too much of your memory? Everyone forgets stuff. Most people have deliberate habits or routines in order to help reduce the mental load. It’s always being pointed out to you by friends and family so it will seem even worse.

@HopeClearwater I second that.

Honestly can't thank whoever invented these enough.

It’s not unhelpful. A diagnosis leads to a full understanding of why you are like you are and opens up access to the best strategies that work with the way your brain works. It also stops all that oh it’s just me i’m so dippy self talk that can be so destructive. It can be so liberating to find that there’s a reason why you experience the difficulties you do and there are other people out there who have similar experiences.

Try to find place for everything. For example key is in a bag pocket. Take it out only when you need open the door. Phone must be in the bag too. You need have one bag so you will not forget anything.
If you are going by public transport with buggy always stay with it. Do not sit down. If you are by yourself hold your bag.
Same at home. Everything have to have its own place.

I scored 65 on the test. And this question summarised my life

A place for e erythi g I agree with but then I'll forget its meant to go in its place iyswim. Key on distinctive key ring comes out door into shoe box. Random but works. Shoe box contains DS's fairly clean shoes and is by door. I need his shoes to go out so it works etc. Except they're not there and have seemingly disappeared into thin sodding air. I love that 🐮 keyring too!! So I must have walked in and been distracted and not put it where I put it and now I don't know where it is.

I'm never putting bag in bloody luggage rack again and I always stay with buggy as it contains DS

Some good advice on here OP, nothing else to add except that you're not stupid and please don't call yourself that, you're worth so much more

On the upside, came out to fat club and thought I'd forgot bus ticket. Rummaged in bra and tada!! Bus pass found

Firstly can i say..you are not stupid. I completely agree with other posters. I think you need to book an appointment with your GP explain all this to them and ask to be tested as it sounds very much like you have been somewhere on the spectrum all your life. You sound exactly like my son. The issue may be that you have managed to cope and find strategies to deal with it all your life, but you have added pressures in your day to day life so you are now finding it harder to deal with and everything is becoming more aparent and more of a struggle for you. This is also like my son, who, at the age of 25 has held his hands up and admitted he cant manage anymore and has asked for a referral to be tested. Getting an answer to whether you have ADHD etc wont suddenly make everything go away. But it may make you feel better knowing why you feel the way you do and you may get more strategies from people to help you cope with different issues and tips to help you overcome your main concerns. I really hope you go for it. Having spoken recently to a young man who was diagnosed at the age of 27 with autism he said the difference it made to how he felt about himself was amazing. I wish you the best of luck.

You sound very similar to how I saw myself 5 years ago. I was diagnosed with ADHD two years later (when I got round to all of the various steps of making the appointment )

Honestly it's a game changer. I don't feel useless any more even though I'm still crap at the same things because now it all actually makes sense. I'm going to try medication when I get around to it.

I found this recent BBC article about ADHD fascinating:
www.bbc.co.uk/news/disability-45084564

I had some coping mechanisms before diagnosis but like OP I would find that others would only work intermittently. Like people say write things down - this is a brilliant idea except I would write them down and forget to look at the piece of paper later. Or lose it. Or forget to take it with me. Or I wouldn't have it with me to write on, or I wouldn't have a pen, or I'd just forget. I can have lists in really prominent places and just not see them.

So IME the suggestion of "labels" is useful because it helps me to streamline what coping mechanisms I use and see where I'm likely to fall down with them which helps prevent me from doing that.

Sleeping I've seen you on other threads, I'm so sorry you feel like this.

I will give some thought to the ADD and dyspraxia stuff. Might get DH to answer questions for me in case I'm not honest with myself.

And when DS is at school tomorrow I'll properly look through all the ideas. Def need a beeper

Thank you Butterfly.

Most times I laugh it off, just some days I feel more useless others.

Bertie yes yes. Took milk off bottle, spent 5 minutes looking for it in front of me

Maybe try looking up tips for adults with ADD and/or dyspraxia - whether you actually have them or not, there might be practical advice on them for managing day-to-day life. Good luck, and try not to be too hard on yourself.

I’m always forgetting dds’ things - there is just so much to remember - it’s good for them though, my dd1 is 8 and she knows that mummy can’t always keep track of her coat/bag/lunch/water bottle/gym kit - it’s not all bad having a mum that isn’t super duper organised because she doesn’t expect me to always do it all.

Honestly it’s not unhelpful at all to suggest the ADHD potential - getting the diagnosis (at 47) was life changing, finding out why I am the way I am was such an utter relief.

I’d spent my whole life feeling like there was some secret as to why everyone else could be tidy, didn’t lose stuff every day, could get things done & remember things. I am very academically able - it’s not a lack of intelligence, just a differently wired brain.

‘Strategies’ help to a degree, lists, reminders, saying out loud (or in your head in public!) ‘I am putting ty bag on the luggage rack’ over and over again might work, but when there are 19 channels running simultaneously in your head & you can’t prioritise them then there is every chance that one won’t come back into focus until an hour later, or when you look for the bag that’s back in the bus depot hours later.

Telling someone that strategy is all they need (& then they fail despite the strategy) makes them feel even more of a failure!

OP if you go to the doctor with a list of your traits that match the ADHD list - or a print out of the test, ask for a referral to an adult ADHD centre (mine took 18 months unfortunately). Then you have loads of tests and interviews & if you have it you get a treatment plan.