Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 6 7 8 ··· 14 15

Original poster

To feel bullied?

358 replies

JoulesMrs · 10/09/2018 10:32

Name changed in case the mums are on here, long back story so bare with me.

When my DD was at nursery she was inseparable from another girl. As a result of this I became very good friends with the girls mother. We used to meet each other socially and text each other virtually everyday. As they were approaching reception age I felt that my DD shouldn't be so reliant on this girl so I asked the nursery to change their days so they weren't together. I told the mum it was due to my work so as not to hurt her feelings. My DD then became friends with a girl who was also friends with my friends DD.

The problem came when the girls all started school as my DD then didn't want to play with my friends DD. My friends DD had some tantrums at school because my DD asked her not to play with her and their mutual friend. My friend then approached me to say her DD had come home from school upset and asked what was going on. I let slip about separating them at nursery and she went mad, accusing me of lying (OTT) and since then we haven't spoken.

I then became really good friends with the mum of the mutual friend to the girls. We started going for coffee and meeting at the school gates. My ex friend then started getting upset accusing us of talking about her and to be honest it ruined my DD's first year at school.

They are now in their second year and the mum of the mutual friend decided to move her DD to another school. My ex friend is what I call a PTA mum. She's involved with everything to do with the school and she's all up the other mum's asses, talking to them at the gates etc.

I now find myself stood alone at the gates because I can't join in conversations with the other mum's as she is there. My DD doesn't have many friends and I've tried inviting children back for tea but never get an invite back.

AIBU to speak to the head that I feel bullied and excluded?

OP posts:

Excited0803 · 10/09/2018 11:35

The Headteacher doesn't have time to deal with helping parents to make nor to keep friends. Try South Yorkshire police, they might help?

Seriously, just because you are only capable of having one friend at a time, you shouldn't be imposing that on your daughter. Keep inviting kids round, disregard if you don't get in with mums or don't get invited back, and see if DD can make some friends. If not then move schools and start again, but really don't get involved yourself; the umbilical cord was cut, let your DD make her own friends.

Bluntness100 · 10/09/2018 11:35

Op, can you really not see it?

This is about you trying to use the school as a way to make friends and exclude people like you yourself are a teenage girl. Now you want to go tell teacher,

Yes it's having a negative impact on your daughter because of your behaviour.

School is not about you making friends and being a bully, it's about your child. Stop making it all about you and trying to pretend it's your child your worried about.

Your op says it all.

Agentornika · 10/09/2018 11:35

Your answers are not being twisted or skewed, you fucked up OP, as soon as you own it you can start making changes

ThreeAnkleBiters · 10/09/2018 11:35

JoulesMrs

So you're completely unwilling to accept that YOU may be the one in the wrong. Which is the unanimous opinion you've received here? In which case why post?

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 10/09/2018 11:36

we ended up blocking on her on Facebook. It was all very childish and now it appears as though she's told the others mums things that are making them exclude my DD

You seriously can’t see any issue with this?

SossidgeRoll · 10/09/2018 11:37

Mate! You need to step away from the school gates and find something to do. You had your turn at school. Leave your DD to sort her friendships. Look at your phone at pick up until your DD comes out like 97.9% of parents who CBA with the pathetic drama.

Did your Mum or Dad make such a palaver out of the school gate? I bet not.

Original poster

JoulesMrs · 10/09/2018 11:37

I posted hoping that someone had a similar experience and could offer support but all I've got is abuse and being called a shit parent!

OP posts:

Snappedandfarted2018 · 10/09/2018 11:37

You sound awful you made a new friend and decided to replace your dd best friend with new friends dd. You weren’t bothered when your new friend was about but now she gone with her own dd you been left in the cold and rightly so. You sound a like right cow. I would be mortified if my dd treated a friend like that. I don’t even get involved in her friendships she 5.

ScattyCharly · 10/09/2018 11:37

You are unfortunately going to have to face up to the mistake you made. The mistake was lying to your friend about why your dd changed days.

I can sort of see why you changed days (to reduce over reliance on one friend) but really that was some seriously unnecessary micromanaging. Which you then lied to the mum about.

I think it is a fairly reasonable strategy for her to avoid you. First you take steps to reduce your daughters’ friendship, then you lie about it.

Also you need to be careful about your dds behaviour at school. Telling another girl not to play with them is a bit mean.

In time these kids will be friends with who they want to, not who their parents engineered friendships with/without. Therefore you do not need to worry about your dd suffering because of what’s happened but you do need to be careful about letting your dd exclude other girls. That’s how typical girl bullying starts. The queen bee dictates who can play with who.

Nanny0gg · 10/09/2018 11:38

You should have spoken to Nursery about your worries and let them manage the friendship.

You should tell your daughter that it’s not nice to exclude children who want to play.

You should apologise to your first friend.

You should step back from micro-managing

You should follow the advice from the many posters on here.

And you should realise you may not have meant to, but you started all this.

AssassinatedBeauty · 10/09/2018 11:38

"This is about you trying to use the school as a way to make friends and exclude people like you yourself are a teenage girl. Now you want to go tell teacher,

Yes it's having a negative impact on your daughter because of your behaviour.

School is not about you making friends and being a bully, it's about your child. Stop making it all about you and trying to pretend it's your child your worried about."

This sums it up very clearly. Please try and listen to what everyone here is saying to you.

Sallycinnamum · 10/09/2018 11:39

We're not saying you're s shit parent. What you should be asking is what you can do to change things but until you realise what you've done that's not going to happen is it?

AssassinatedBeauty · 10/09/2018 11:40

I doubt that there are many posters who would openly admit to engineering their children's friendships in this way. I'm surprised you think it's a totally normal thing to do.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 10/09/2018 11:40

I posted hoping that someone had a similar experience and could offer support but all I've got is abuse and being called a shit parent!

Thankfully nobody else that has replied to you has been in your situation because they aren't vindictive and mean spirited. What you've done is really unkind and now you have to face the consequences of your actions.

Bobbybear10 · 10/09/2018 11:40

I have read your OP and nothing els so far but will back read in a sec.

I just wanted to say that only going by your OP, you sound a very unpleasant woman.

You manipulated your DD and ‘new’ friend to exclude a little girl and your supposed ‘best friend’

I imagine nobody wants to be friends with you because they have all realised how bitchy and nasty you are.

Maybe some self reflection would help you. Take some time to work on you (without thinking of yourself as the victim because you are not!) then when you really understand how you have behaved a sincere apology to ‘old friend’ and an explanation as to how and what you are doing to change your behaviour might help others soften towards you.

ThreeAnkleBiters · 10/09/2018 11:41

I posted hoping that someone had a similar experience and could offer support but all I've got is abuse and being called a shit parent!

In order to improve the situation you have to be able to face up to the mistakes you make, even if that is upsetting and makes you feel bad. Otherwise you'll do the same thing next time with the same consequences.

SossidgeRoll · 10/09/2018 11:41

I posted hoping that someone had a similar experience

they HAVE. They've all either been you or the other lady or seen people go through it. This is VERY FAR FROM a unique scenario. It's just new and specific to YOU. So honestly take the advice here and try to process it without getting huffy. It's hard to take feedback - but important to try!

MiggledyHiggins · 10/09/2018 11:42

Are you one of those mums who is obsessed with their DC having the 'right' kind of friends? Are you a bit of a Hyacinth Bouquet and deemed mutual friend a step up socially from ex friend?

Bluntness100 · 10/09/2018 11:42

I posted hoping that someone had a similar experience and could offer support but all I've got is abuse and being called a shit parent!

Op, no adults don't behave like you have said you have behaved normally, so it will be hard to find someone who has done this and who still thinks it's right..

I'm sure you're a great parent, but from what you've posted you put yourself above your child in this instance. And that's what has led to this.

As a pp said, you've had your turn at school, it's your child's shot now. School is about her, it's not about you making friends and falling out with other mums.

But if you don't want to accept it, then there is little we can say to help you.

itswinetime · 10/09/2018 11:43

If you were open to listening to people op then the advice you want is here but you haven't once acknowledged anything people have said just justified why you are actually right. That won't help get the answer you want and as you have seen leads to people getting frustrated

Aspenfrost · 10/09/2018 11:45

Mate!

TheDarkPassenger · 10/09/2018 11:45

Classic karma. And you can’t complain that she called you a liar and accused you of bitching, when in fact you are a liar and you have been bitching.

Honestly can’t think why other parents don’t want to get involved with you.

But it’s happened now, move on. And honestly? Stay out of it, because it ain’t going to end well when you’re constantly trying to dictate your daughters life. And also, people with more than one child, believe it or not, also care about each of their children and their individual emotional welfare, so stop trying to paint this as an only child thing, it’s a control thing and you need to back off for your daughter’s sake, she’s already suffering because of your actions, it’s going to be a lot harder as she gets older if you keep interfereing.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 10/09/2018 11:46

Word of advice, Joules

If you keep sticking your nose into your DD's friendships when she gets older, she'll start resenting you for it.

You got over involved and it's bit you in the arse. Suck it up and get on with it.

Lougle · 10/09/2018 11:48

You're unlikely to find people with similar experiences, tbh, and even less people that would admit to it.

Aspenfrost · 10/09/2018 11:48

Weirdly, you don’t take on board any of the advice put forward by posters on this thread. The consensus is that you are now reaping what you sowed. Tough.

Flip

1 2 ··· 6 7 8 ··· 14 15