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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel bullied?

358 replies

JoulesMrs · 10/09/2018 10:32

Name changed in case the mums are on here, long back story so bare with me.

When my DD was at nursery she was inseparable from another girl. As a result of this I became very good friends with the girls mother. We used to meet each other socially and text each other virtually everyday. As they were approaching reception age I felt that my DD shouldn't be so reliant on this girl so I asked the nursery to change their days so they weren't together. I told the mum it was due to my work so as not to hurt her feelings. My DD then became friends with a girl who was also friends with my friends DD.

The problem came when the girls all started school as my DD then didn't want to play with my friends DD. My friends DD had some tantrums at school because my DD asked her not to play with her and their mutual friend. My friend then approached me to say her DD had come home from school upset and asked what was going on. I let slip about separating them at nursery and she went mad, accusing me of lying (OTT) and since then we haven't spoken.

I then became really good friends with the mum of the mutual friend to the girls. We started going for coffee and meeting at the school gates. My ex friend then started getting upset accusing us of talking about her and to be honest it ruined my DD's first year at school.

They are now in their second year and the mum of the mutual friend decided to move her DD to another school. My ex friend is what I call a PTA mum. She's involved with everything to do with the school and she's all up the other mum's asses, talking to them at the gates etc.

I now find myself stood alone at the gates because I can't join in conversations with the other mum's as she is there. My DD doesn't have many friends and I've tried inviting children back for tea but never get an invite back.

AIBU to speak to the head that I feel bullied and excluded?

OP posts:
kungfupannda · 10/09/2018 14:44

You've behaved spectacularly badly and I'm amazed you can't see it. You were friends with this woman, but instead of talking to her about your quite possibly legitimate concerns about the exclusive nature of the children's friendship, or talking to the nursery about encouraging other friendships, you took the drastic step of forcibly separating the girls and lying about it.

Then you claim that you assumed your daughter didn't want to play with the other girl, despite the fact that you'd had to go to these lengths to prevent them playing together.

This seems like a very straightforward case of sauce for the goose not being remotely to the gander's liking. You wanted this friendship broken up and you were quite content for another small child to be unhappy and left out. Now that you are the one being left out - if that is actually what is happening - you want to go to the head about it!

I'm not sure exactly what you think the head is going to do about it. Have all the parents in and tell them they have to include you?

You got exactly what you wanted in relation to the two children - no friendship, no playing together, nothing. It's come with consequences, however, and I suspect you're stuck with those consequences.

If I was aware that someone had behaved like this, I'd be keeping my distance too.

MyBloodyMaltesersAreMelting · 10/09/2018 15:34

Presumably none of this would have bothered you if the mum of the mutual friend hadn’t moved away ?
You are trying to manipulate the situation again by making yourself the victim
Lesson learnt- you are not the only one who can move the goal posts

inTheBoredroom · 10/09/2018 15:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

isadoradancing123 · 10/09/2018 15:50

You became far too invested in their friendship, they were little more than babies, you shouldn't have separated them

FrancisCrawford · 10/09/2018 17:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sandbrook · 10/09/2018 19:38

I really hope ex friend is reading this so she can get some clarity on why she was so spectacularly ghosted by someone so unreasonable.
OP, you sound very much like my NDN who behaved the same way and could not understand why her daughter was being left out. She arrived at my door and wanted me to sign a petition to have 4 other girls suspended for bullying her daughter. She really felt that her childs feelings were the only ones worth considering. She didn't want her DD of 6 to be in a house where neither parent worked as that might rub off on her daughter's ambitions Hmm

CommanderDaisy · 10/09/2018 19:48

Spacezombies post earlier is the advice you should follow.

Haireverywhere · 10/09/2018 19:51

OP I'm not saying you're a shit parent at all but your reasoning and way of going about this was all wrong and you can't really blame MN for that.

If you want advice about how to make amends we can help you there but you don't seem to acknowledge this is your doing!

MeteorGarden · 10/09/2018 19:58

🙈 you totally brought this on yourself.

Your ex friend would have far more reason to post on here than you.

You separated your DD from a friend she enjoyed and would have started reception with - your reasoning is frankly quite poor.

You then allowed your DD to exclude and (by the sounds of it) be a little douchebag to ex friends DD, excluding her from playing with her own ‘mutual’ friend.

I would be more concerned about DD picking up your hostile manipulative streak than anything else. Perhaps you ought to hire a nanny and separate DD from you 🤔xx

Sugarformyhoney · 10/09/2018 20:08

You are being ridiculous trying to orchestrate your child’s friendships. When your dad told her friend that she didn’t want her to play, your obligation as an adult was to tell her that we include everyone and excluding her friend isn’t kind.
You are not being bullied. The other Mum quite understandably is keeping her distance and probably avoiding any further drama.
Please don’t take this to the head teacher, it is cringeworthy and embarrassing. She will not thank you and you will get the reputation as ‘that’ mum. Trust me, I work in s school and things like this are 5789 in our list of priorities.
Try investing in yourself instead of micro managing your DD. It will make you s more emotionally healthy and well rounded person

YeahILoveSummer · 10/09/2018 20:15

You want to speak to the Head Teacher about being bullied? Whats it got to do with the school? Hmm

FranticallyPeaceful · 10/09/2018 20:19

You sound awful and your daughter seems to be following in your footsteps. She will struggle if you allow her to be cruel

DeltaG · 10/09/2018 20:24

Jesus Christ, the OP and other schoolgate mum-types need to get a fucking life.

Find something worthwhile and productive to do, rather than standing about gossiping, bitching and blocking each other on social media.

Honestly, it's really pathetic and contemptuous. Haven't you got lives to lead?

Hollyjollybells · 10/09/2018 21:30

I cannot believe a grown woman wants to tell the teachers about being 'bullied' in the playground 😂😂😂
Interesting how the only 'bad' behaviour you've mentioned from them is that you can't be involved in their conversations. Yet you think it's ok that your DD 'asked' her friend not to play with her and another child.

FlamingoLass · 10/09/2018 21:37

Jesus wept.
I can barely believe this is real.
And for the love of god stop making friends based on your children’s friendships. If that’s all you’ve got in common you’re fucked.

Let your kid do her own thing. Stop controlling her friendships - that’s fucking mental!

You go off and do you . Find friends away from the bloody playground, that have similar interests.

Megan2989 · 10/09/2018 23:57

You sound like a complete nightmare.
And unfortunately for your child, she will likely end up like you, as you have taught her it is ok to be mean and be a bad friend.

Lets hope, none of the other children do the same to her when her friend moves school.

Most mums teach against such behaviour however so im sure she will be fine.

Oliversmumsarmy · 11/09/2018 00:13

I always see posts about allowing your child to make lots of friends etc

You can still make new friends without dumping old ones.
Do you dump a close friend when you think you could make friends with someone new.

How do you feel about having more than one friend at a time

If your dd was so shy why weren’t you wooping for joy that she had found a friend in nursery and was going to the same primary. Why the need to interfere.

What has the likes and dislikes of another mother got to do with who your child plays with.

There was no needs to interfere and teach your child you can only have one friend at a time.

It looks like both you and your dd are finding out the hard way that you cannot dictate who plays with who.

feelingnothing · 11/09/2018 00:25

Oh my god I read this with my mouth open! Why would you do that!?

Rumplestiltskinswife · 11/09/2018 07:18

Still can't believe this is real.

Troels · 11/09/2018 08:19

She wasn't excluding her, she was just asking her not to play with her and this other girl. She wasn't nasty about it!

This excluding, you can bully someone and exclude them with a soft tone and a smile on your face, it's still excluding/bullying.

Teach your child to play and be friends with everyone. Not just one person at a time, play in groups.
The old school Dd went to used to drum into the kids from little. If you want good friends, you need to be a good friend.

Mulberry72 · 11/09/2018 09:08

You’ve behaved spectacularly badly OP and I’m not surprised ex friend is massively pissed off with you.

All you can do is grovel very apologetically and see if she’s prepared to try and move forward from this.

You need to be teaching your DD that it’s unkind to exclude anyone otherwise she’s going to end up a very lonely child.

Meddling in children’s friendships NEVER ends well, EVER.

IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece · 11/09/2018 09:12

My DD has always been very timid and shy. As she spent so much time with my ex friends DD in was worried that when she started school she would make no effort to make new friends

But she had a friend, a friend she loved, a friend that meant a lot to her, that she loved playing with and YOU took that away from her. You took her friend away. For the stupidest reason. How selfish

Hollyjollybells · 11/09/2018 09:20

You can't interfere in your DD's friendships like that. It's not like they were doing anything wrong by spending lots of time together.
How many kids do you know that keep the same friendships all the way through childhood never to meet new people at school? It doesn't happen!!!
You're a selfish mother OP. You showed no regard for your DD's friend and now you're feeling excluded, you're going to tell the teacher! Grow up!!
You're an adult ffs and you're feeling excluded but think how your DD's old friend must've felt being told that she couldn't play with her!

Hollyjollybells · 11/09/2018 09:25

Also, not sure if this has already been mentioned but you said your DD asked her friend not to play with her and her new friend.
How very naïve.
Do you really believe that a 4/5 year old child asked another child ever so politely not to play with her?
Course she didn't ask her old friend.
At her age, she probably said something along the lines of 'you can't play with us. We don't want to play with you!'

How upsetting for the other child.
This is all your doing OP, you broke up a friendship because you have no idea how friendships work.
Now that you feel 'alone' at the school gates, you're getting upset about the situation! With no thought about that little girl.

SmiledWithTheRisingSun · 11/09/2018 09:35

You sound quite childish op.