To feel bullied?

[JoulesMrs]

Name changed in case the mums are on here, long back story so bare with me.

When my DD was at nursery she was inseparable from another girl. As a result of this I became very good friends with the girls mother. We used to meet each other socially and text each other virtually everyday. As they were approaching reception age I felt that my DD shouldn't be so reliant on this girl so I asked the nursery to change their days so they weren't together. I told the mum it was due to my work so as not to hurt her feelings. My DD then became friends with a girl who was also friends with my friends DD.

The problem came when the girls all started school as my DD then didn't want to play with my friends DD. My friends DD had some tantrums at school because my DD asked her not to play with her and their mutual friend. My friend then approached me to say her DD had come home from school upset and asked what was going on. I let slip about separating them at nursery and she went mad, accusing me of lying (OTT) and since then we haven't spoken.

I then became really good friends with the mum of the mutual friend to the girls. We started going for coffee and meeting at the school gates. My ex friend then started getting upset accusing us of talking about her and to be honest it ruined my DD's first year at school.

They are now in their second year and the mum of the mutual friend decided to move her DD to another school. My ex friend is what I call a PTA mum. She's involved with everything to do with the school and she's all up the other mum's asses, talking to them at the gates etc.

I now find myself stood alone at the gates because I can't join in conversations with the other mum's as she is there. My DD doesn't have many friends and I've tried inviting children back for tea but never get an invite back.

AIBU to speak to the head that I feel bullied and excluded?

I'm surprised they even entertained it, wellmeaning.

OP, you’re either extremely pig headed or excruciatingly unaware.

You want to complain about being ignored by the other mums and call it bullying even though no-one’s actually told you to your face that they don’t want anything to do with you, unlike your darling daughter.

In fact, when your daughter actually tells her 5 yr old best friend that she can’t join in and play with her and the new friend, that’s perfectly ok in your book??

Please try to imagine how that might feel to a little 5 year old girl, let alone to a grown adult woman.

If you were any sort of decent parent, that’s the point you should have stepped in and explained to your DD that excluding her previously BEST friend from joining in, is nasty behaviour and why she shouldn’t ever do that to another person.

If you had anything about you, you’d suck it up and apologise unreservedly to the original friend for getting it so badly wrong and offer to do whatever it takes to make amends. Remember, these mums and their kids will likely be around for many more years and it’s going to feel much more unpleasant the longer you ignore it.

Or are you one of those types of women who never accepts responsibility when you’ve fucked up and will try to throw the blame elsewhere?

Karma is a bitch

The children fall out and then the parents do and it can get awkward

That's not what happened though. The parents fell out first. And the op decided to seperate the children.

The ops actions were at the root of this. She was the instigator. And the person who made the first move in breaking it up.

I strongly suspect if this new friend had stayed at the school the op wouldn't be posting, she'd be happy for it to continue, the issue is the new friend left, leaving th op on her own, and the previous woman she tried to ostracise and had the big falling out with is very popular.

This is hilarious! What do you expect the head to do? Give the moms detention? If it's ok for your dc to choose her friends then surely it's ok for the rest of the world to do the same? Due to your previous behaviour they don't choose you! Think about how your actions effect others

You have interfered to much in your child's friendship. The very idea of asking the teacher to separate two friends is horrible! Your daughter will pick up on some of your characteristics too because you're her mum and mums are 'always right' to little ones - not so later on thank goodness.

I can't believe your attitude. Why could you not leave well alone and allow other friendships to develop naturally?

Sounds as if it was for the best as it would've been far too intense for my liking. I think it was a bit extreme changing the days and I think it was an irreparable mistake telling this woman. I get ops point about wanting her Dd to have other friends, though.

However, this is 5 year olds. It seems like a lot of huffing and puffing on both parts, with op moving her kid's days and the other mum bustling out f the school at the sniff of trouble. You are better off letting the school sort it.

And so what if the mum is popular. Their school days are over. You don't need to ve popular or unpopular. Ive been doing school runs for 10 years and have seen it all. My relationships at school are strictly perfunctory . I am perfectly friendly to those who are chatty but am quite happy to keep to myself

You sound batshit tbh.
You're not going to be able to look back on her early years at school with fondness, Just bitterness at how karma was served to you.

I think you need to take a step back from being a helicopter parent and let dd make her own friends. They don't need a million playdates.

Your shy and timid dd who struggles to make friends, made a friend so you moved her days so she couldn't play with this friend? So then she makes a new friend. So obviously doesn't struggle that much. Your daughter then excludes her old friend and tells this little girl that she isn't allowed to play with a mutual friend and you don't pull her up on this behaviour? And you refuse to see how your meddling was the reason this situation happened at all.

Leave your dd to make her own friends and if there are any concerns speak to her teacher. And maybe take a look at how you conduct your own friendships in the future.

Your daughter doesn't sound timid and shy asking the little girl not to play with them. Repeatedly it seems. I doubt she would have done this to her good friend if it wasn't on instruction from you

My thoughts exactly...

YABU

I would have encouraged my DD to play altogether at that age and certainly not supported the exclusion of the other little girl. I would have been upset with you too if I were the other mum.

You really fucked this all up OP. Don't go and complain to the head. It won't help. You're not a child.

You tried to make it so that this little girl was out of your dd's friendship group. You succeeded. And now you've ended up feeling what this little girl was made to feel, you don't like it.

Is your little girl happy at school now? You haven't really said afaics, it's mostly been about you. If she is unhappy and isolated you need to speak to the staff about that. But don't bring up your sob story.

I would just learn from it. Never interfere with childrens friendships as they are such contrary creatures. Stand alone on the playground and don't bother getting involved with other parents. Drop off/collect your kid and go home. Your daughter will make new friends soon.

So your daughter made an exclusive friendship at nursery. You got so friendly with the mum that you were socialising and texting every day. You decided you wanted your DD to have other friends (plural) so you changed her days. Your daughter then makes another exclusive friendship and you casually drop the first mum because you now want an exclusive friendship with the second mum (socialising, texting every day). The children start school and your child (who you didn't want in an exclusive friendship) tells the first child she can't play with her and the second friend and is therefore still in an exclusive friendship but in addition is showing bullying tendencies. Child one naturally tells her mum that your child won't let her play with child two. This mum, who has had the experience of being suddenly dropped by you, with no explanation or obvious reason, and has seen you and her other friend pal up and exclude her and her daughter is quite rightly hurt and offended and wants no more to do with you. She has got stuck in at school, made new friends and has no need or desire to have anything to do with you, and who could blame her?

You sound very intense. I would hazard a guess the second mum moved her child to another school because you were suffocating her and your child was suffocating her child. Try not to be so intense, try not to engineer your child's friendships and try not to be such a bitch to other women who have done nothing to deserve it.

Maybe consider joining your DD’s school’s PTA, or volunteering at some events - you might make some new friends.

jeez this is terrible advice, op's poor social skills have already fucked her dd's friendships up. she needs to concern herself with things elsewhere but not on the pta. maybe increase hours at work, or start Zumba or something. something where the inevitable ensuing friendship dramas will be self contained.

I’m sorry but your daughter told another child not to play with her? How unkind. I’m afraid you sound like the bully here not your ex friend

I have an only child and call bullshit on the 'only child syndrome'. You need to relax and stop trying to force your child to have the friendship you like. You made a massive mistake by changing her nursery day. Now if I was you I would step back from you child's social life. Invite her friends over, if they don't come, invite some other children but stop trying to instigate friendships! Also your child will be friend with kids whose parents you dislike. You're a grown up and you will have to suck it up and be nice.

Mrs Joules,

I'm not to go over old ground that everyone has said but which I agree with,
By the sound of things, no one is being "mean" to you per se but they are clearly very friendly with this lady who you don't talk to anymore and you feel excluded by default.
I think I'd smile and make small talk with everyone I came across regardless of whether they are in "her gang" or not. I guarantee that not all of them know your history with her and even those that do will forget about it after a little while when the new domestic breaks out.
Honestly there are loads of reasons why people haven't had playdates, I'd keep persevering with them regardless and she will eventually find someone she bonds with.

Oh how lonely it is standing at the school gates having nobody to talk to. You do realise you played a part in a little girl having nobody to play with? Now you know how she must've felt! Very uncomfortable indeed.
Poor poor you OP.

Sorry but this is called karma

Sorry, I've only read the first few posts but...
Why the obsession with standing around at the school gates? Don't people just drop off their kids and go on their way to work, home, shops or whatever else?

I've never stood around looking for someone to talk to - I really don't get it. Now I see why there are always knots of women on the narrow paths when you're trying to get through and out of the school.

The school gates isn't a playground for adults OP. It's no one's responsibility to keep you entertained - you're only there to drop off and collect your child. Allow her make her own friends without needing to gain bffs with other moms.

I doubt the op is coming back.

But possibly still reading,

Op, if I move it to a different tack, I'm unsure how to advise to help you.

All I can say is be pleasant to everyone you come across. Try not to appear desperate or pushy. Just smile, say hi, and be easy going.

Do not get involved in your child's friendships unless she asks.if she is mean and hurting other children through her words or actions then explain to her gently how we include people. If you have taught her to do this, as I suspect you have, then talk to her about inclusion, about how being excluded makes people feel bad, about how mummy was wrong..

Keep on with the play dates, but at your child's request and do not see them as a way for you to make friends.they are about your child and her friends.

Do not go to the head and complain the other mums don't talk to you. It will make a bad situation worse and the head will find your behaviour concerning and disturbing.

Just basically try to be nice, and understand your daughters schooling and socialisation is not about you. Put her first.

MrsJoules it must hurt to read all this but please take it in a humble way and see is as a lesson to learn.

You remind me of some school mums who were extremely invested and reliant on the approval of other mums needing to be in the click and prepared to make friends but then ditch them if they could be approved by another mum higher in the popularity hierarchy. These mums had all in common to be suffering fromow self-esteem and unsurprisingly their children tended to act in a very similar fashion.

On one hand you justify your and your daughter's action by saying that you can't force a kid to play with one they don't want to ay with however don't consider that your daughter doesn't have friends because noone wants to play with her.

You need to butt out and let your daughter learn the social skills that come at that age. She doesn't need your help. As for you take a step back and let friendship come to you naturally. It doesn't matter who you are friend with jut value the friendship they are willing to give you and they will hopefully do the same.

Its a really bad idea to form your own best friendships around your child's best friendships, its a really bad idea to encourage attachments and then step back from them without explanation. You should be teaching your child to be friendly to everyone and also I know not everyone agrees but I really don't like the idea of best friends which always seems to come with drama or exclusion.

You have made mistakes and IMO behaved quite cruelly to people who have done nothing wrong. Now you have found that this behaviour has natural consequences. Children's friendships change naturally over time, you had no idea if your fears of an intense friendship would materialise when they went to school and had lots of new children to play with. What did happen is that a little girl got hurt and her mother got hurt too.

In my 12 years of standing at the school gate I have interfered in my children's friendships twice, once where a friend was doing a serious number on DD's self-esteem and once when a child would not allow DS to play with anyone else. Both times it was after discussions with the teacher and the parents.

One of the beauties of school is that you and your child get to mix with a whole variety of different personalities, backgrounds and approaches to childrearing, its a really good idea to be more tolerant and less exclusive in your attitudes to other parents and children, especially as you will be sharing playgrounds and school events for years. It becomes much harder if you treat the playground as if you were still at school yourself.