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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel bullied?

358 replies

JoulesMrs · 10/09/2018 10:32

Name changed in case the mums are on here, long back story so bare with me.

When my DD was at nursery she was inseparable from another girl. As a result of this I became very good friends with the girls mother. We used to meet each other socially and text each other virtually everyday. As they were approaching reception age I felt that my DD shouldn't be so reliant on this girl so I asked the nursery to change their days so they weren't together. I told the mum it was due to my work so as not to hurt her feelings. My DD then became friends with a girl who was also friends with my friends DD.

The problem came when the girls all started school as my DD then didn't want to play with my friends DD. My friends DD had some tantrums at school because my DD asked her not to play with her and their mutual friend. My friend then approached me to say her DD had come home from school upset and asked what was going on. I let slip about separating them at nursery and she went mad, accusing me of lying (OTT) and since then we haven't spoken.

I then became really good friends with the mum of the mutual friend to the girls. We started going for coffee and meeting at the school gates. My ex friend then started getting upset accusing us of talking about her and to be honest it ruined my DD's first year at school.

They are now in their second year and the mum of the mutual friend decided to move her DD to another school. My ex friend is what I call a PTA mum. She's involved with everything to do with the school and she's all up the other mum's asses, talking to them at the gates etc.

I now find myself stood alone at the gates because I can't join in conversations with the other mum's as she is there. My DD doesn't have many friends and I've tried inviting children back for tea but never get an invite back.

AIBU to speak to the head that I feel bullied and excluded?

OP posts:
gottastopeatingchocolate · 10/09/2018 12:33

Hi OP.
My DD is an only child. We had lots of play dates which were generally 1:1. She initially struggled to play in a group. She needed a little encouragement to realise that three can play as well as two, or four or however many.

I think you missed an opportunity to help her to develop this social skill. If she is still struggling in this, it might be worth a word to her class teacher. (Or class teacher will probably be better aware than you, so if you are concerned, just ask if she is doing OK socially.

It seems that your personal issues are being allowed to affect your child. She should be completely oblivious of any squabbling, ignoring, etc that you are causing or experiencing. For example, why is she "upset" that play dates aren't reciprocated? There could be all kinds of reasons why your DD is not invited. I would only worry if they aren't accepting invitations to your play dates tbh.

I would imagine that the parents at the school gate are oblivious. If you stopped licking your -self inflicted- wounds and spoke to some people, you would probably find that they spoke back.

IMO you have behaved badly, but there is no reason it isn't fixable (albeit the "ex friende" will probably always keep her distance).

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 10/09/2018 12:34

OP you've got years more of friendship drama ahead of you at school, DD's and yours if you want to befriend other parents at school.
Draw a line under this, move on and don't get involved again in trying to mastermind your daughter's friendships, it never works.

Hopefully in a few months you may have made some more friends, but for now it's not the end of the world is it.

Fabricwitch · 10/09/2018 12:35

You behaved appallingly.
You excluded a friend and taught your daughter it's ok to exclude others.
You were the bully, and I don't know what you think a head teacher is going to do about it?
All you can do now is apologise to your old friend, admit you made a huge mistake, teach your daughter kindness, and explain to her how wrong it was to tell her new friend not to play with her old friend (that seems like the really cruelest part of the whole thing).

PortiaCastis · 10/09/2018 12:35

Karma OP karma
You reap what you sow

BifsWif · 10/09/2018 12:36

I can’t add anything more than has already been said.

You are the unreasonable one, by a country mile, and you owe your ex friend and her daughter an apology.

Oddcat · 10/09/2018 12:37

Today 10:40 JoulesMrs

She wasn't excluding her, she was just asking her not to play with her and this other girl. She wasn't nasty about it!

Can you not see how hurtful this would be to the other little girl ? Jeez!

JustJoinedRightNow · 10/09/2018 12:37

I might have missed this, but who is your DD playing with at school now OP? Her little sidekick has left the school and she’s already bullied her original friend - so you’re feeling left out, but you haven’t actually said what is happening with your DD.

Or are you too self involved and worried about mums “bullying” you to realize your DD has been left without any friends?

Fabricwitch · 10/09/2018 12:38

And I can't get my head around you changing your work days to be able to swap your dd's school days to keep her away from her bff, what a loopy thing to do. But all the lying, bitching, blocking on Facebook was so mean and you need to apologize or none of the other mum's will want to be friends with you

BlancheM · 10/09/2018 12:40

You do realise that you're not actually at school? You created this situation yet feel like you're a victim just because the other mum involved is managing to get on with things despite her and her DD being hurt.
You are not being bullied. How disrespectful.
No, you should not tell the head. How absurd.

SD1978 · 10/09/2018 12:41

So your daughter pushed out the girl, because she didn't want to play and that was ok. She was only young, but she bullied out the other girl. You did lie. No guarantee that this woman has done anything- but you'll level a bullying charge against her. I'd get some evidence first. You moved on to better- and then better left. You have brought this on yourself really, and your daughter will suffer because of it. I hope you learn.

londonrach · 10/09/2018 12:45

What goes around comes around. How does it feel to have what you did come around to you. Honestly you dont sound very adult. Butt out of your dd friendships and view this as a learning curve.

MrMeSeeks · 10/09/2018 12:46

Read the replies.
Stop looking at them as an attack ( hard i know) and really read them.
See where you’ve gone wrong and see where you can make changes.
Unfortunately you effectively excluded a small child and now the same is happening to you.
It isn’t nice.
I don’t know if you can fix things with your ex friend, maybe really acknowledge how you were wrong ( and mean it) and may be things will get better.

Talith · 10/09/2018 12:48

It was barking mad to discourage what sounds like a nice friendship at nursery. My oldest friend and I were thick as thieves in nursery and close to this day. Were you trying to pre empt something that happened to you as a small girl?

I was bullied and so.am hyper villigant about my kids being bullied but sometimes I've got it wrong. Friendships change and your daughter has to learn how to make friends and keep friends without you massively intervening.

Why not join the PTA and build a few bridges with your own ex friends? That might set her a good example.

SpringSnow · 10/09/2018 12:51

There seems to be an influx of spectacularly dim women on this forum. Has all the sparkly banners broke net mum's?

Branleuse · 10/09/2018 12:51

I find it a bit weird why you would want to seperae your child from their best friend while so little. That can make it really difficult to settle. That friend was a comfort. Those childhood relationships are valid relationships

Bluntness100 · 10/09/2018 12:51

Believe me, as a Reception and Key Stage 1 teacher it is likely, very likely that a child would leave another child out continuously

Your are missing the context here, that this was at the same time as the mother and the other woman were having a major fall out with the bullied child's mother. The parents were excluding the mother, at the same time as the children were excluding the child.

There is no way that's a coincidence, and is directly related to the parents behaviour. I'd go as far as to guess the child was not to play with the other little girl, that's why she was telling her she couldn't play.

I don't agree with your summary that all children are lying little shits either.

Bobaboutwhat · 10/09/2018 12:52

OP You might have mentioned already but...was it your daughter who communicated to you that she found her original friend overbearing or did you assume that she was?

serbska · 10/09/2018 12:55

Exclusionary tactics?! That is what my ex friend is doing to me, she's made it so that I'm stood on my own at the gates which is unpleasant and uncomfortable

That’s what you wanted your DD to do to a five year old girl.

Mean girl is you.

SD1978 · 10/09/2018 12:56

There was no fallout- you acted appallingly. You had a BFF, your daughter had a BFD. You lied to your friend and moved your daughter, then dropped your friend and had your daughter drop her friend. Then for shorty when your friend go upset and blocked her. Your child then excluded the old friend from panting with the mutual friend she'd always got on with. And she is a young child she got upset about this (duh) you manipulated your new friend into blocking your own friend. You are teaching your daughter the same level of obsession and manipulation. You are the issue and if you can't see his- your daughter is not going to do well. She clearly wants one friend- juts like you do, and doesn't cope with more than one- which you don't seem to either. She's your o my child. are you an o my child and single mother by any chance?

Oddcat · 10/09/2018 12:58

You were fringed with the first mum and seemed to become quite close , then you binned her and her daughter and made friends with another mum . Can you not see that you are doing exactly the same as your little girl was doing (she's a child so it's normal behaviour ) . You seem to latch onto one person to the exclusion of others yet don't want you DD to. She's learnt it from you !

3stonedown · 10/09/2018 12:58

I'm shocked that you don't think it's mean that your DD asked the girl not to play with them, however politely she said it. You should have immediately pulled her up on that, or even better, taught her to include everyone from day one.

It's odd, you seem to be unable to understand that you can have more than one friend at once. Something your DD is learning from you.

se22mother · 10/09/2018 12:58

Yabu.

Also please learn to use apostrophes

Oddcat · 10/09/2018 12:59
  • Fringed - friends
Ophelialovescats · 10/09/2018 13:01

Goodnes me!
I am sure there would be at least one parent/nanny/childminder/grandparent, etc., to talk to at the school gates. They won't all have turned against you. They are adults.

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 10/09/2018 13:02

Wow! I've had three dc go through the nursery/ primary system and have never interfered with any friendships they made, even though some were obviously not good for them. Children need to develop their own relationships!

Actually, I tell a lie- the only time I have tried to "steer" my children away from a friendship was when the potential friend had an overbearing parent. No-one wants their child being that child's friend, I'm afraid, because you just know that they will get involved with every petty little quarrel, and it will always be your child at fault. Not worth it and, sadly, not the child's fault.