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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell her where we are going and if she doesn't want to come then fine?

123 replies

Sandstormbrewing · 09/09/2018 20:27

It's my birthday next week. I'm going out for a meal with friends (in our friendship group we eat out regularly and always pay for ourselves regardless of the occasion). One friend who I get on well with has very specific dietary requirements and we pretty much always go where she wants to/ can eat. Others will suggest somewhere and she'll say whether or not she can eat there and we'll change location if required. To be honest, I'm a but sick of it. We always go to the same places and I want to go somewhere different and that I want on my birthday. I doubt she'll want to eat there.

AIBU to say that's where we are going and accept she may not come? I don't think she'll be happy about it but I'm sick of her dictating where we go EVERY time.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sandstormbrewing · 09/09/2018 20:29

Normally, seeing her and my other friends us more important than the food but it's my birthday and I like naice food!

And it's not allergies or veganism, more fussy if you want to term it like that.

OP posts:

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 09/09/2018 20:29

I think it depends on her dietary requirements. If they’re moral/medical/religious I would only want to go where there was something available to her. But if she’s just picky, I’d be less tolerant I think (in that you can usually work around a menu).

SD1978 · 09/09/2018 20:30

Are the dietary requirement preference, or medical? You get to go where you want. Most places do gluten free, etc. if she just fussy, she can choose not to come

IsTheRainEverComingBack · 09/09/2018 20:30

YANBU it’s your birthday, you get to choose.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 09/09/2018 20:30

Yeah, if you want fine dining but she only likes chips, I think that’s tough luck. She either eats off the menu, negotiates with the restaurant or stays home.

CloudCaptain · 09/09/2018 20:31

You could make a stand, but in my experience you may well find out all your friends fuck off out with 'demanding' friend and ditch you for your birthday. Insert btter emoticon.
Or you may happily find out you have decent friends.

IsTheRainEverComingBack · 09/09/2018 20:31

Also - I was vegan for a fair while, I’ve never been anywhere where I couldn’t eat at all. If it was someone’s birthday I’d go and figure it out!

Flyingpompom · 09/09/2018 20:31

If it's not an allergy then I'd say go where you want.
I'm intrigued as to why you've all pandered to her up until now though, if she doesn't have a valid reason.

AppleKatie · 09/09/2018 20:31

Well you’ve answered your own question. The food is more important to you than she is. So she’ll know where she stands.

I mean, I’m not going to tell you it’s kind, considerate or normal behaviour but if it’s right for you.

Dollymixture22 · 09/09/2018 20:31

Not unreasonable at all.

I have a friend who has a very limited diet. She comes along to most places with us, and phones the restaurant before hand to see if they will cook something simple that she can eat. Most will oblige. if it’s not an option she gets the cheapest meal, picks at it and eats beforehand.

Most adults will compromise in social situations.

Cblockbitch · 09/09/2018 20:32

It's your birthday, is she a very good friend who's presence will be missed terribly by you if she isn't there? no? Go eat where you like on your birthday.

Inthebluemountains · 09/09/2018 20:33

Most restaurants will cater for dietary requirements, just tell her where you're going and she can call them and sort it. And I say this as someone with allergies! Enjoy your birthday meal

serbska · 09/09/2018 20:33

It’s your birthday so you choose

DigsysDiner · 09/09/2018 20:34

Ive got a friend like this. She's a.pain in the bloody arse.

Everyone else pussyfoots around it and long winded group chats start up, when it's my turn I just state I just state where im going, the date and time and put let me know who is coming.

Inevitably she'll put I cant go there bleat bleat (( she bloody can go, most places have something she can go )) which I.dont respond to.

Ive also trained the others not to respond as theyre secretly pissed off too.

Once all names have been gathered i'll respond with will catch up with moanyarse and whoever else another time soon then I leave it. 9 times out of 10 moanyarse will decide she can.go after all and I get to eat somewhere that sells tasty food.

SharedLife · 09/09/2018 20:35

I would choose wherever you want and if she makes a fuss I would say something like, "seeing as I've compromised so many times for your preferences, I thought you'd be ok with returning the favour." I'd act like it was a completely reasonable thing for you to expect (because it is) and set that sort of tone from the start. Don't be apologetic about it at all.
Hope you have a happy birthday!

Haireverywhere · 09/09/2018 20:36

It's your birthday and as long as it's just 'fussy eating' then I think go where you like this once!

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 09/09/2018 20:38

Invite her, include the phone number of the place and she can advise them of her foibles!!

ISeeTheLight · 09/09/2018 20:38

My daughter has CMPA (cow's milk allergy). It's very hurtful if people deliberately go somewhere she can't eat. It happens. Not nice. You'll show your true colours.

ChortleFace88 · 09/09/2018 20:41

OP has already said it’s fussiness and not allergy

YANBU

BertrandRussell · 09/09/2018 20:45

What sort of restaurant precludes someone with a milk allergy?

Dollymixture22 · 09/09/2018 20:45

Iseethelight -would most restaurants not cater for your daughters allergy?

I find it difficult to reconcile one person with very limited diet expecting everyone else to always compromise. If I had restricted dietary requirements and my friend really wanted to go to a certain resurant for her birthday I would show my true colours by going along and making the best of it. I don’t think a groups activity can always be dictated by one individual.

Your daughter will need to find a way to pass herself in situations - for example a working lunch.

Original poster

Sandstormbrewing · 09/09/2018 20:47

ISeeTheLight as I said, it's not an allergy. One thing of our other friends actually has a severe nut allergy and can't eat at one of the 3 restaurants friend one will eat at and just comes along for drinks.

I think it's partially mental health related which is why we usually accommodate her. The only times we haven't were one person's engagement meal and nut allergy friends birthday. One time friend one couldn't attend last minute and we all decided to go to a different restaurant, so I know most people are a little frustrated.

But she's our friend and we like her so forgive her this quirk. But just like not everyone wants to watch the same film (we go with the majority) I don't see how occasionally we can't mix it up.

OP posts:

museumum · 09/09/2018 20:48

I think it’s fine if you say “we’re going to y for drinks at 10pm, those who want to come to x with me before, I’ll book a table at 8pm”.

Original poster

Sandstormbrewing · 09/09/2018 20:48

And I actually have no idea whether she can eat where I want to hi, she may get able to.

OP posts:

LeroyJenkins · 09/09/2018 20:54

as museumum said (perfectly)
I think it’s fine if you say “we’re going to y for drinks at 10pm, those who want to come to x with me before, I’ll book a table at 8pm”.

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