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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell her where we are going and if she doesn't want to come then fine?

123 replies

Sandstormbrewing · 09/09/2018 20:27

It's my birthday next week. I'm going out for a meal with friends (in our friendship group we eat out regularly and always pay for ourselves regardless of the occasion). One friend who I get on well with has very specific dietary requirements and we pretty much always go where she wants to/ can eat. Others will suggest somewhere and she'll say whether or not she can eat there and we'll change location if required. To be honest, I'm a but sick of it. We always go to the same places and I want to go somewhere different and that I want on my birthday. I doubt she'll want to eat there.

AIBU to say that's where we are going and accept she may not come? I don't think she'll be happy about it but I'm sick of her dictating where we go EVERY time.

OP posts:
YouAlwaysTry · 10/09/2018 21:20

I prefer cocktails to food so I happily sit and watch others eat at birthday meals 🍹

PatchworkElmer · 10/09/2018 21:37

The only thing that makes me doubt your logic OP, is knowing incredibly isolating phobias and anxieties are. It does sound like she has anxiety about food, and it’s sad that she’ll potentially miss out on socialising because of it, which in time could escalate. This isn’t your problem though, and you should do what you feel comfortable with.

Nettletheelf · 10/09/2018 22:18

My friend who I posted about last year insisted that we all left restaurants, bars etc. together when on holiday, when SHE decided that she was tired and wanted to go home, because she couldn’t possibly get a taxi alone, being delicate and all. Is there another one out there? Bloody hell.

Nettletheelf · 10/09/2018 22:19

In response to Fetchez la vache, that was.

Original poster
Sandstormbrewing · 10/09/2018 22:44

PatchworkElmer it's just this one meal so I don't think she's going to be excluded generally. And I'm not just choosing somewhere different because it's different it's just I don't really like the places she's happy with.

Fetchezlavache I read that thread, wasn't my friend thankfully!

OP posts:
BunnyCarr · 10/09/2018 22:50

Tell her where you're going for your birthday, and she can like it or lump it.
She'll just have to cope this one and only time in her life of not getting her own way. Diddums to her.

ohnothanks · 10/09/2018 23:22

Anyone with a modicum self awareness would just come along for drinks. Rhere is literally no other explanaion for this aside from she thinks it is ok to allow her mental health issues to encroach on others.

And I say that as a person with MH issues and with a fussy eating child with food anxieties.my other child (provably) has OCD and long term avoidance/ giving in is about the worst think you can do.

ohnothanks · 10/09/2018 23:24

OH FFS. There; And with more punctuation..
.

ContessasGulagSpaDay · 10/09/2018 23:34

I'm vegan. In the past I have attended weddings, Christmas meals and leaving dos without any provision being made for me; I have survived by eating beforehand, having snacks while there and also living off my not-inconsiderable hump Grin your friend could easily do the same. Offering a practical solution to her emotional problem is a kind thing you've all done for her (I.e. only eating at her approved locations) but if she has any decency at all she will suck it up for the team ONCE and let you enjoy your birthday. Having said that, I bet she will get mad at you for the suggestion because the inescapable conclusion is that her preferences/anxieties are limiting your life. Which is true. She won't thank you for making it clear though....

Menolly · 10/09/2018 23:39

YANBU. I have sensory issues and issues with my teeth and throat that mean i struggle with food and it causes anxiety around new places, there are about 3 places locally that I would actually choose to go to but if a friend decided they wanted to go somewhere else I would either look through the menu to find something I could pick at or join them for drinks later on, no way can I expect my friends to organise things round my food issues, its bad enough that I have to organise my own life round them!

bringincrazyback · 10/09/2018 23:48

Your birthday, your choice. YANBU, especially as she's accommodated at other times.

PorkFlute · 10/09/2018 23:59

Yanbu. I’d just message what the poster upthread said about meeting for drinks and anyone who wants to eat first let you know.
I also have a friend like this. A few birthdays ago she actually managed to convince me that I wouldn’t like the place I’d chosen for my birthday and it was only after I realised that it was actually her who didn’t liked it but she convinced me it was my idea to go to the place she wanted 😂

FetchezLaVache · 11/09/2018 08:34

Nettle, Sandstorm gosh - sounds like there are several of them out there!! Shock

DontCallMeCharlotte · 11/09/2018 10:44

for example she'll eat garlic bread made from ciabatta but not from pizza dough, but will eat pizza from certain restaurants

I accept and would normally try to accommodate the fact that people have sensory and other issues with food but, fuck that, there's no way I'd be indulging that kind of fussy eating.

Interesting you say you don't really like the places she chooses but you still go there. For the sake of your birthday, I think she can suck it up. If she's as good a friend as you say, I think she will.

Happy birthday for whenever it is!

MarthasGinYard · 11/09/2018 10:55

"We are going to .... for my birthday on .... at .....o clock. Hope you can make it"

Is all you need to say

BlueTyger · 11/09/2018 11:11

If she's fussy for whatever reason, just smile brightly, why don't you come and just have some snacks from the menu and drinks? If she really won't touch anything, just say drinks. Leave her to decide what to do - she's invited - she doesn't have to go!

Meanwhile go ahead and enjoy your birthday!

BlueTyger · 11/09/2018 11:11

Marthas Gin Yard's response is better though! Keep it simple.

Stayoutoftheforest · 11/09/2018 11:16

I am a pretty fussy eater, I really struggle with textures. Although I have a list of restaurants I love I would never dream of refusing to go somewhere my friends suggested even if it was just for a general meet up. There is almost always something on the menu I will enjoy and if not their will be something I can tolerate. Also I’m yet to find a restaurant that won’t exclude a certain item from a dish eg. Stir fry without mushrooms ect. If they do it makes our whole group doubt his freshly prepared the food is so we normally don’t return anyway.

TheWinterofOurDiscountTentsMk2 · 11/09/2018 11:23

Italian and French restaurants were the hardest. Even if they had dairy free cheese of some sort, there was a huge risk of cross contamination. Many independent pubs and cafes only had one or two milk-free items. Lots of food contains hidden butter/cream/milk derived ingredients such as whey powder. And the number of people in the food industry that think dairy includes eggs

So your problem is that other people want to eat in Italian, French resaturants and pubs and cafes, and you think anyone not changing to a restaurant that doesn't use any milk products is being horribly unfair to your kid? Hmm

ArtemisWeatherwax · 11/09/2018 11:25

for example she'll eat garlic bread made from ciabatta but not from pizza dough, but will eat pizza from certain restaurants

Sounds like my DS with ASD. It is so hard to explain to other people - he can't explain himself half the time. He eats beans but they have to be Heinz. He cannot eat non-Heinz beans, even if disguised as coming from a Heinz tin. He will eat non Heinz tomato soup or ketchup. He will eat Pizza Hut pizza but only if Italian base. He will not eat pizza from any other place (except homemade) - last time we went to Zizzi he ended up chucking up in the toilets and we can't go to Pizza express as once they got the order wrong so you can't trust them. There's a whole list of rules around eating. Sometimes they are sensory and sometimes just because he doesn't see the point - e.g he doesn't like fish so why would anyone else want to eat fish and he doesn't want to be around people who are eating fish.

BarbarianMum · 11/09/2018 11:32

Dairy allergy does suck big time - far harder to avoid than gluten or nuts fe. That said having "only" one or two things on the menu you can eat is to be expected and not you being excluded.

Blueroses99 · 12/09/2018 15:59

So your problem is that other people want to eat in Italian, French resaturants and pubs and cafes, and you think anyone not changing to a restaurant that doesn't use any milk products is being horribly unfair to your kid? hmm

Someone asked what type of restaurant was precluded dairy allergies and I gave examples from my experience. I didn’t say anything about unfairness, I’ve always found something to eat everywhere. But some places will have less choice than others. Often it’s the lack of awareness that causes problems. Being given a gluten free menu is not helpful. Being told that you can’t have X, Y or Z because it contains ‘dairy’ as it has eggs in it is not helpful. Being told something is safe because it doesn’t have milk in it, it only contains butter/cream/cheese/ghee is frustrating.

MorningsEleven · 12/09/2018 16:44

She sounds hard work.

My good friend has a condition that makes it difficult to swallow. Never complains, never misses out on social events just eats before cos my friend realises that it's not everyone else's problem.

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