To tell her where we are going and if she doesn't want to come then fine?

[Sandstormbrewing]

It's my birthday next week. I'm going out for a meal with friends (in our friendship group we eat out regularly and always pay for ourselves regardless of the occasion). One friend who I get on well with has very specific dietary requirements and we pretty much always go where she wants to/ can eat. Others will suggest somewhere and she'll say whether or not she can eat there and we'll change location if required. To be honest, I'm a but sick of it. We always go to the same places and I want to go somewhere different and that I want on my birthday. I doubt she'll want to eat there.

AIBU to say that's where we are going and accept she may not come? I don't think she'll be happy about it but I'm sick of her dictating where we go EVERY time.

I couldn't be bothered with all that with a friend.
Just book the place you want to go to and don't give her another thought.She sounds a right pain.

in our friendship group we eat out regularly

I'd go out for your birthday meal wherever you want

BUT

I think maybe you should stop meeting up to eat out regularly. Could you find something apart from food to focus on?

It makes me really sad- you read all the posts on Mumsnet about people's children with sensory issues or ASD and limited diets. Everyone is really sympathetic. Child grows up and suddenly they're more just a fussy eater and trying to make everything about themselves...

RandomlyChosenName not really. Dinner time is is the best time for us and it's difficult for us to eat before we go out and not get home too late and still get time to catch up. Not all of us drink. I think we are very accommodating of her needs.

It sounds like some sort of food related anxiety.

Id do what museumum suggested. This is where we are goinf at x time.

YANBU... go where YOU wish for YOUR Birthday

Most adults will compromise in social situations

This is the key to it. Your friend sounds a bit like my DD....and I'm forever making the point to her that sometimes, for the convenience of others, you have to compromise and not always eat EXACTLY what you might like to. You might have to have vanilla ice cream and not chocolate; they may not always have the exact type of cake you fancy. That doesn't mean you refuse to go/eat anything in a social situation. But my DD is 9. Your friend sounds like she needs to grow up a bit and be a little less self centred. It's your birthday, you choose.....

OK, I see what you mean. I suppose on the surface it does just look like she's being fussy about who makes her food. Could be ED related if it's severe enough.

But I don't think, even if it is ED related, it should dictate your birthday choice. Because she's literally dictating restaurant choice rather than specific food things.

Do your thing for your birthday, but perhaps it would be good for the friendship if your activities with her stayed away from food related activities.

Completely fine to say ‘I really want to go to x place on my birthday, Who would like to come?’

I have a friend like this. She used to have huge tantrums if her mum ate food she didn't like in front of her. Her mum was told not to bow down to her food control issues and feed her and her other children at the dining table.

She was allowed to get herself something from the kitchen and eat in there if she refused her food but wasn't allowed to interrupt everyone's meals. She eventually started eating the food put in front of her at the table again and was fine until a few years ago.

She's started trying to control what we have for lunch when we eat together (complaints about how our food looks and smells), she's been told to eff off to McDonald's and after that occasion mostly behaves .

It isn't allergies, food intolerance's etc. She likes familiar brand named cereals, bread, frozen food etc. She will have dominoes pizzas but not generic pizzas. She likes only pringles not unbranded, cheaper makes. She hates when food lines get discontinued. I've been told she has aspergers and it's to do with that.

I can't eat curry / spices and quite often various people I know will arrange a meal at a curry house and invite me. I say it's cool don't all change your plans for me, I'll just grab dinner at home and meet you guys for drinks afterwards?

I'm what most would call a fussy eater. Smells are what puts me off (if I had a burger that came with onion, most people would scrape it off and eat it, I'd get it to my mouth, smell the o in and start to retch).

Most places have a plain burger, steak or cheese and tomato pizza so I'm usually alright, but I've been to birthday and weddings where I've just had a soft drink as I don't want to put anyone out. It's more embarrassing for me as people keep asking why I'm eating.

The food is more important to you than she is. So she’ll know where she stands. I mean, I’m not going to tell you it’s kind, considerate or normal behaviour but if it’s right for you

And you could say exactly the same to the friend who has had her own way for years.

YANBU OP.

YANBU for wanting to choose your own restaurant
YABU for saying 'naice'

One of my first meals out with her resulted in me saying "I'm ok with going to a restaurant you are comfortable with but I won't have you telling me what I can and can't eat now we are here" and to be fair to her she hasn't ever again mentioned anything about what any of us have ordered.

I would book it and phone them myself to ask if they can made stuff for fussy eaters then when she objects you can tell her that you've pre-warned them and they can make her something suitable. Cut off her drama power.

I’ve got a diva fusspot friend like this. Do not pander! It just makes them behave even worse. It’s all about presenting themselves as dainty, delicate or special, with the unspoken suffix ‘unlike the rest of you’.

I note that your friend’s particular ‘thing’ is perceived food hygiene standards. What she is really saying is, “look at me, refined, dainty little princess and the pea! I can’t possibly be exposed to imaginary germs, unlike you crowd of heffalumps with concrete stomachs”

hopefully this lady is in therapy for her food issues.

You sound like a wonderful and very tolerant group of friends. She gets her way on the majority of occasions. She should be willing to go along with your wishes in your birthday.

I am a little surprised that is many people believe everyone should bend to one individual 100% of the time. I sympathise with those who have food issues, but there will be circumstances were they can’t be fully accommodate and they need to be able to cope.

Sandstormbrewing Had she really tried to tell you what to eat off the menu once she'd dictated the restaurant?

Out of interest, does she have aspergers?

Can't she eat the vegetables where you want to go?

On your birthday you get to go where YOU want, and if she was any sort of friend she'd understand that and make her own adjustments (just going for a drink etc). Trust me, I am sympathetic to mental health problems but it's her responsibility to get some treatment and at least try to find a way not to let it impact on others as far as possible. It doesn't sound like she's making any effort to do that.

I used to have a friend like this and it was exhausting, every meal revolved around her and where she would/wouldn't sit, we'd be practically eating our own arms with hunger while she quizzed waiters on whether she could have the sauce from Dish A with the meat from Dish B, but only with the vegetables from Dish C. I gave up in the end

To be fair to her, she doesn't ever make a fuss, simply states if can or cannot eat somewhere. We could, if so inclined, go to somewhere she is unable to eat if we wanted and she wouldn't come. I think she'd be a bit miffed but wouldn't be a total drama queen.

I do think she has genuine issues and because of that we are accommodating of her, just like if she had a medical condition (I mean she might actually have a diagnosed medical issue around her food issues). The place nut allergy friend can't eat as was given to us as an option when we asked her to branch out a little, she named it and we didn't know until then that nut allergy friend couldn't eat there.

5SecondsFromWilding she asked we didn't order fish as she can't eat with the smell of it. I had no intention of ordering fish but wanted to nip it in the bud.

I don't think she has Asperger, I think she has food related anxiety and some OCD issues.

Your birthday, you get to choose where to eat. If people can't or won't go for whatever reason that's their prerogative, I really don't see the need to have one person dictate your plans all the time, regardless of dietary issues. Sometimes as adults we have to make compromises. And adults just suck it up and get on with it!

I hope you have an enjoyable birthday meal, wherever you choose to go

Just tell her you are all going to Lock Fyne.

I don't think she has Asperger, I think she has food related anxiety and some OCD issues.

In that kind of context, I can understand why you'd try to cater for her day to day. It sounds like you and the rest of your friends do your best to accommodate her needs. In this instance, I reckon she can probably be rational enough to understand that your birthday isn't an occasion where her needs are your primary concern. If I were her, I'd meet you for drinks afterwards.