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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell her where we are going and if she doesn't want to come then fine?

123 replies

Sandstormbrewing · 09/09/2018 20:27

It's my birthday next week. I'm going out for a meal with friends (in our friendship group we eat out regularly and always pay for ourselves regardless of the occasion). One friend who I get on well with has very specific dietary requirements and we pretty much always go where she wants to/ can eat. Others will suggest somewhere and she'll say whether or not she can eat there and we'll change location if required. To be honest, I'm a but sick of it. We always go to the same places and I want to go somewhere different and that I want on my birthday. I doubt she'll want to eat there.

AIBU to say that's where we are going and accept she may not come? I don't think she'll be happy about it but I'm sick of her dictating where we go EVERY time.

OP posts:
AspieHere · 09/09/2018 22:30

I have aspergers and issue around food. It's very nice that you are so accommodating OP. I don't let my issues affect anyone else. If it's not somewhere I will eat, I just decline to go, no problem.

For your birthday I think it's completely fair that you go where YOU want to go. She can choose to join you or not.

Rainbunny · 09/09/2018 22:32

The key thing here is that you and your group constantly compromise to fit around her needs, it's your birthday so of course you should be able to enjoy eating somewhere you want to eat at for once - that's the point of compromise. I would be very shocked if there was literally nothing she could order off the menu.

I actually have a similar situation, a colleague in our team whose self-proclaimed gluten free diet dictates where we go out to eat as a team every single time. I also have a friend who genuinely has a long list of very real and serious food allergies - to the point that she carries a laminated card in her bag that lists all her food allergies to hand to a waiter so he can ask in the kitchen if she can be accomodated. This friend never tries to dictate where we all eat and she always says that she can't expect to go through life avoiding everything that she's allergic to. She is a classy person, my colleague not so much.

TulipsInBloom1 · 09/09/2018 22:35

A general catch up meal, its nice to accomodate everyones needs or quirks. But its your birthday so you get to choose. Others then decide whether to come or meet after.

Id send a group message, "Planning on trying out/re visiting X Restaurant for my birthday. If anyone wants to join us, let me know and i will book a table. If you just fancy drinks afterwards we will he heading to Y for cocktails around 9" that sort of thing.

zzzzz · 09/09/2018 22:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DeusEx · 09/09/2018 22:55

I feel particularly bad for super understanding nut allergy friend :(

Timeisslippingaway · 09/09/2018 22:56

Most places accommodation food allergies or dietary requirements now so if it's just because of "fussy eating" I think you shpuld go where you want to go.

RedPencil · 09/09/2018 23:01

I have some issues with food that sound similar to your friend's (OCD and anxiety related) but I've never dictated where my friends and I eat. I generally would go along and just get drinks or something, or just a side dish. My issues aren't anyone else's problem, and it should be the same in your cases.

OrangeMini100Points · 09/09/2018 23:01

Ages ago I had to organise a departmental Christmas meal. For about 70 people including very senior managers. The consensus was a Thai place and I set about booking, making table plans (insisted upon by said senior managers to get people mixing Hmm). All in all a bit of a pain.

One lady demanded chicken and chips. The menu was quite extensive but no, chicken and chips it had to be. The lovely restaurant could accommodate her (embarrassing for me to ask). My point is, most places will accommodate food fussiness or allergies given a bit of notice.

Go where you want OP and happy birthday 🎂

RoseMartha · 09/09/2018 23:17

I hate eating out because i have many intolerances and it often means i can eat one thing off a menu if i am lucky. Sometimes a restaurant will be accommodating and cook a meal without the items I can't eat. Other times they wont. A particular famous restaurant was very unhelpful once. I used to find this difficult and embarrassing when out with soon to be ex in laws who thought i was being fussy and didn't get it that even a small amount if the foods would make me ill. And displayed their annoyance. Put me right off eating out at all.
If this is your friends situation then its really hard for her.

Original poster
Sandstormbrewing · 09/09/2018 23:25

RoseMartha I've already stated many times it's mental health. Nothing like your situation.

OP posts:
Nettletheelf · 10/09/2018 00:07

I started a thread last year about a fussy friend trying to dictate what a group of six should do, where we should eat, where we could sit and when we should go home each evening, last year, stressing that there was nothing medically wrong with the friend, who went dancing until midnight two nights a week, worked full time and regularly went on dance weekenders.

The thread was soon hijacked by people with a range of medical complaints calling me heartless for not caring about their multiple sclerosis, etc.

No matter how many times I and other posters reminded them that there was nothing wrong with this woman, the flow of moans about how cruel everybody was to sick people continued unabated. Sorry OP, you will have to put up with a certain percentage of people who haven’t read the thread and will seize their chance to solicit sympathy for their food intolerances.

marvellousnightforamooncup · 10/09/2018 09:08

Quite right Nettletheelf. The number of lazy Mumsnet posters who don't bother reading threads properly is staggering. Adding to that are the ones who only skim read and miss important factors, and then get all high horsey and judgemental. I don't start threads usually because as an OP you're always having to come back and reexplain yourself in eleventy billion different ways.

autumndreaming · 10/09/2018 09:31

A possible way to go about it would be to send a message such as:

'I'd like to invite you all to celebrate my birthday at x on x date, can't wait to see you all!'

Then if she says anything:

'I've wanted to go for ages and thought my birthday would be a good opportunity for something a bit different. Hope you can make it!'

ApolloandDaphne · 10/09/2018 09:32

Your birthday, you choose. Stand firm. I will bet after some initial moaning she will come.

Snitzelvoncrumb · 10/09/2018 09:39

I feel your pain, I love food and have a fussy friend.
I don't think it's ur but just think about whether it will start birthday gate. You don't want her to get in a huff and have everyone cancel on you because they don't want to get caught in the middle. If you can get away with it, go for it.

MrsStrowman · 10/09/2018 09:47

I have this with a friend, it's not allergy related, and she'll eat eg steak and chips at one place but not at another. It's not about quality as the places she will eat are chain pubs such as hungry horse or Harvester. She also won't come for a drink of others are eating. PITA

QueenOlives · 10/09/2018 09:49

I think if you speak to her and word it nicely it may be ok. If you say she's not a drama queen about it generally then maybe she will be ok with it. If she's a friend then she will want your wishes to come first as it's your birthday. When it's her birthday she can be a choosy as she likes ?

JustJoinedRightNow · 10/09/2018 10:02

How old are you all OP if you don’t mind my asking?
I think you’ve hit the nail on the head with it being food related anxiety. My DS who is only 8yo sounds exactly like your friend! Impossible to feed and it can be so hard.

Since she is the one with serious anxiety surrounding food, I think it’s on her to remove herself sometimes if she isn’t comfortable with the food being served or the restaurant. You all sound really patient and kind towards her so far, she really cannot begrudge you this one request for your birthday.

You can send the invite to everyone, and then to her only you can acknowledge that you know it will be hard for her to attend but you would still love her to come. If she can’t, you completely understand but you hope she understands you really want to try this place for your birthday. Just be honest like that, she will see how much it means to you and that you’re being kind but giving her an easy out if she is uncomfortable.

SteveMcGarrettsBudgieSmugglers · 10/09/2018 10:09

someone we used to go out with would only ever eat at Harvesters Hmm no allergies, no mh issues, just didnt like new places or new foods

afrikat · 10/09/2018 19:15

My FILs partner is similar to this and I'm pretty sure she has some serious food related issues. She won't eat anything that someone else has prepared so if she invites us over and we take a dish she won't touch it. They always have to stay at the same (expensive) hotel chain when they go away as apparently their food is fine. Pretty much every other restaurant isn't allowed. We went on holiday with them to a Florida gulf coast island and she suddenly declared she was seriously allergic to shellfish and if she so much as set foot in a restaurant that prepared shellfish she could die. Which obviosuly was all of them. Yet she didn't have an epi pen and I've defitnely seen her eat seafood paella before. FIL was given a hard time if he came out to eat with us so it guaranteed we were segregated all the time (Fairly sure that was her plan actually)
She's also obsessed with food hygiene and if food has been out the fridge, say as part of a buffet, for more than about 30 minutes she starts throwing it away.
Ultimately I do think it's a MH issue but it's one I struggle to have much sympathy for, but in her case I do feel she uses it to control the situation
I do think you need to choose where you go and it's up to your friend if she can get over her issues enough to join you

Rainbunny · 10/09/2018 20:18

"She won't eat anything that someone else has prepared"

Actually I can relate to this a little, if we have a potluck lunch at work I find myself strangely repelled by the thought of eating dishes my colleagues have made, I think subconsciously I have doubts about some of my colleagues hygiene habits Grin

My MIL is another one with some food issues, she has a long list of foods that she is "allergic" too (including pretty much all vegetables) when in reality she is just a very very picky eater, it's not her fault, she was raised on an extremely limited diet and can't seem to handle many different flavours. It makes cooking for her a challenge though.

FetchezLaVache · 10/09/2018 20:28

This rings a bell - did you post about her recently, OP? Something also about her dictating when you all have to go home because she refuses to get a taxi alone?

If so, YWBVVVVVU not to use your birthday as an excuse to have the evening out you and the others actually want! Obviously ask her along too, but I don't think it would do her any harm to realise the world in general and your social group in particular don't revolve around her.

Glumglowworm · 10/09/2018 20:36

I do sympathise with her issues as it sounds like it’s anxiety or OCD as there’s no clear logical reason to it (although I’m sure it feels logical to her!) I suffered from horrendous emetophobia in my late teens to the point of living on dry bread and one or two other “safe” foods. I’m thankfully much better now, I still have a lot of anxiety about vomit and it occasionally causes me issues but I eat normally and live my life which I wasn’t really when I was bad. My point is that mental health can be just as debilitating as physical health! Avoiding food due to anxiety is just as real to her as avoiding it due to intolerances.

BIG BUT. But she doesn’t get to dictate to the rest of you. She can only control where she eats and what she eats. And if that means she misses out on some thing then that’s sad. Maybe it’ll be a nudge towards her seeking help, maybe not.

YANBU to want to choose where to go for your birthday. She can choose to join you or not, you sound perfectly gracious about it if she chooses not to.

Theweasleytwins · 10/09/2018 20:42

I am rather fussy (dyspraxia/ocd related i think) never try and dictate what or where to eat to any of my friends

elkiedee · 10/09/2018 20:45

I'm a fussy eater and will choose particular restaurants for my celebrations, and if a group discusses x or y then I will express a preference. But if a friend invited me to a birthday meal I would either find something if I could, or go and just have a drink, or possibly make my excuses, especially if it's expensive. I wouldn't expect to dictate anyone else's choice on her or his birthday.

TulipsBloom and JustJoined make nice diplomatic suggestions. I would want to accept such an invite if I could but would also worry that I don't make anyone else uncomfortable, so having options to join you for drinks later sounds good.