To tell her where we are going and if she doesn't want to come then fine?

[Sandstormbrewing]

It's my birthday next week. I'm going out for a meal with friends (in our friendship group we eat out regularly and always pay for ourselves regardless of the occasion). One friend who I get on well with has very specific dietary requirements and we pretty much always go where she wants to/ can eat. Others will suggest somewhere and she'll say whether or not she can eat there and we'll change location if required. To be honest, I'm a but sick of it. We always go to the same places and I want to go somewhere different and that I want on my birthday. I doubt she'll want to eat there.

AIBU to say that's where we are going and accept she may not come? I don't think she'll be happy about it but I'm sick of her dictating where we go EVERY time.

isee
So op is never to go anywhere her friend has deemed unsuitable for her fussy eating?

Sod that its her birthday she can go wherever she please. If she wants a nice meal out i an sure it won't kill her friend to go to. Thats what friends do, not order others to continually pander to thier whims.

YANBU if I was her I'd never dream of vetoing someone's birthday venue. If I couldn't eat much I'd just fill up before I left then order something small or nibble on some bread or something.

My daughter has CMPA (cow's milk allergy). It's very hurtful if people deliberately go somewhere she can't eat. It happens. Not nice. You'll show your true colours.

But OP specifically said it's not allergies it's just fussy eating. I find it very unlikely that there is literally nothing there she could eat.

What are her reasons for not wanting to eat somewhere? The menu or the venue? I'm a bit confused if it's not medical why you can't just tell her to like it or lump it (nicely, of course)

Your birthday, your place. Of course.

Oh I have met people with extreme food issues (not allergies, but more mental health issues around foods/textures/smells). It's hard to say no to them, but the more it's pandered to, the more they see their behaviour as reasonable - or more not as unreasonable as it is.

The fact that a fussiness has been allowed to trump a nut allergy in your friendship group is shocking if you stop to think about it.

Pick where you want to go. Perhaps suggest prep someone else to immediately reply to a group whatsapps "I really want to go there, sounds great!" so you can then follow up with "we'll aim for drinks at XXX afterwards if anyone doesn't fancy joining for dinner." as per PP suggestion.

@AppleKatie

That works both ways - her friend obviously values getting her meal preference above the pleasure or preferences of the rest of the group.

I’m vegetarian and I don’t expect to dictate where we eat when going out with friends. There is usually something I can eat even if the choice is limited. If my friends wanted to go to a steakhouse or a seafood restaurant I would simply bow out. It’s fine for you to choose the restaurant for your birthday. But give her the heads up so she can contact the venue in advance to discuss her dietary requirements.

I think it’s a bit odd that you don’t know what her issue is by now. That suggests it isn’t a dietary need but a preference.

Of course YANBU.

I think you all need to start doing this before you all get so pissed off with her you no longer want to be friends. It’s not an allergy, it’s not anything except fussiness/control and I actually don’t think you’re helping her by pandering to her all the time.

Yes, it's not just the type of food but the venue, whether she thinks it's clean enough (food hygiene ratings don't play a part), how they prepare it - for example she'll eat garlic bread made from ciabatta but not from pizza dough, but will eat pizza from certain restaurants.

On the whole we don't really care where we go as we just want to catch up but occasionally it's nice to go somewhere nice!

I find it a bit shitty that another friend with a severe nut allergy cant eat at one the restaurants fussy friend picks. Everyone gets a meal and all she can do is drink.

Yeah go where you want, she can like it or lump it for a change.

Can you not confirm your chosen venue will cover her requirements. I'd like to go to Chez My Choice for my birthday. I rang and they can do x or y for you.
I have an intolerance but most places can cope. Sometimes the choice is limited or repetative but I put up with it as I'm being awkward. However, on my birthday I'd want to go somewhere I had a good choice.

NO. No no no no no. Don’t make it all about her. There is NO need have ‘drinks’ elsewhere. She will find somethung she can eat or she can just have a drink at the restaurant YOU have already chosen

YANBU
I might if I were feeling especially accomodating ring them and say your friend has limited diet and ask what they could make for her
Most places can accommodate quirky eaters with a bit of notice

BertrandRussell What sort of restaurant precludes someone with a milk allergy?

Italian and French restaurants were the hardest. Even if they had dairy free cheese of some sort, there was a huge risk of cross contamination. Many independent pubs and cafes only had one or two milk-free items. Lots of food contains hidden butter/cream/milk derived ingredients such as whey powder. And the number of people in the food industry that think dairy includes eggs 🤦🏽‍♀️

Could you share what her issues are? I think it's quite hard to make a judgement on how reasonable either of you are without knowing that much.

Sorry to derail... I think your birthday, your choice!

Yanbu (or Hamburg according to autocorrect).

Don’t pander to her. Maybe I’m being harsh but I think it would be best for your friend to learn strategies for going to different restaurants.

CMPA (cow's milk allergy).

What kind of restaurant would be a problem? Possibility of contamination in food preparation?

Italian and French restaurants were the hardest. Even if they had dairy free cheese of some sort, there was a huge risk of cross contamination

Just speak to the kitchen about requirements. If needs be you can supply your own pasta or sauce for the kitchen to cook / heat up. A family member has done this a few times. She hasn’t needed to for years though as restaurants understand allergies so much better now.

TaliZorahVasNormandy yeah, I think that's pretty shitty too so said something and we tend to only go if nut allergy friend isn't coming.

MumW and 5SecondsFromWilding I can't because it's hard to know really. It's not like it's a list, it a bit more nuanced than that. For example she'll eat pretty much anything her mum makes but won't eat at mine or other friends houses even if we ask her for a specific item she'll eat. She'll only have takeaway from one pizza place, which doesn't deliver to one friends house.

If she's doing it to seek attention, which is possibly sounds like, there's no way I'd pander to that. Especially not on my birthday.

YANBU OP.

It's your birthday. Choose the place YOU want to go to. Don't leave it open to question. If she says she can't eat there, ask if she wants to come for drinks, as your friend with the nut allergy has had to do previously.

Just book it. She can sort herself out. I have zero patience for fussy eaters, they do my nut.