AIBU to take his family's dirty money? **Sensitive thread about child abuse - title edited by MNHQ**

[devastatedanon]

NC for reasons that will become very obvious. Identifying details removed. There are things I have had to leave out so please forgive me for not filling in some of the blanks.

I have been married for 11 years. Two kids and I'm six months pregnant with our much wanted third baby. Good job, nice house, adoring man.

It was all a lie. You are the first people I've told and even writing this out anonymously makes me want to vomit.

Three months ago the man I married (I can't call him DH or even husband) was arrested for viewing and storing child abuse images. We aren't talking about a few questionable pictures, ones he could argue he thought they were of age. Babies. Toddlers. Thousands of pictures and film clips. After the usual pathetic attempts at lying, he confessed and I've been told that due to the severity and amount, he is going away for a very long time.

Good.

As soon as he confessed, every feeling, every good memory I had of us as a family died. He became less than nothing to me. (I am seeing a therapist by the way, so are the kids, she is helping me cope with this boiling, violent rage I feel every time I think of his face)

I never want to see him again. Ever. He has been contacting me to beg for an hour of my time to "explain". As if there is anything he could say to explain away this horror, to minimise the fact he was an active participant in destroying the lives of those poor children. As if there is anything he could say to soften the fact he has destroyed my life, our babies lives.

He says he just wants an hour and then I can walk away but I "owe him this small thing".

I hope everyone will agree I ANBU when I say I can't/won't see him. I can't guarantee what I'd do. I can't and I won't and the idea I owe him ANYTHING is disgusting and repulsive.

Here's the AIBU. I dont have much family and nobody local, so his family have always been a big part of our lives. His parents are religious and have decided to love the sinner, hate the sin.

(I can't express how that makes me feel. I don't have the words for my anger and disgust)

They agree I owe him an hour and are haranguing me about it. You can imagine their arguments - it was "only" pictures, I need closure, we need to agree what to tell the children, I am being hormonal, I am selfish etc etc...

For the record, there stopped being a "we" the very second he admitted to his crimes. That's my closure and I will tell my children what I want (no idea what yet, one for the therapist to help me with).

I want to cut them out too. They disgust me now. I can't bear the idea of people who support that man being around my little ones. But... I lost my job and the house will go back to the bank soon. They have said they will give me the money he was due to inherit if I meet him. He won't need it where he is going. I need to feed my kids and more than ever, I need to keep them safe.

Part of me thinks the right thing to do for my kids would be to see him, get through an hour and take their money. Isn't that what a good mother would do? Grit my teeth and bear it for the chance to provide for my children? Is it selfish to refuse, when I know the impact it will have on my kids? It's dirty money but dirty money buys food and clothes just as good as clean money and I would rather die than ever let the kids know how I got it.

I don't know what to do. If I do it, I can provide for my babies who are so innocent and don't deserve any more pain.

Also, if I don't do it, the kids won't see their grandparents or extended family again. Right now I don't want them to be near those people but it should be MY CHOICE. Not another punishment for the kids.

I don't know what to do. I'm crying again but I cry all the time now. I can't talk to anyone about this in RL and my best friends have ghosted me since the news came out. I'm alone and scared of making the wrong choice.

I was going to ask, what should I do but I think we are past moral judgements. So my question is, what would you do? What price would you pay? I don't even care about my own mental health at this stage, that ship has sailed but it's like I physically cannot be in a room with him.

Thanks for reading, I'll answer any questions I can but if I can't, I'll say so and I hope you understand why.

Personally I think you should look at the bigger picture. Will you have any money OP after the house has gone? Savings? Equity? Etc.

Like others I don't believe for one second you will get this inheritance.

You will be offered small amounts and expected to provide regular trade offs for them, meaning you will be tied to this vile family forever.

Think about it, why would they give you the inheritance in a cash lump?

Their son will be out of prison eventually, unemployable, potentially without parents still around when he gets out, no friends. His inheritance will be there for him, to ease his return to the real world when he is eventually released.

What will he get? Ten years maybe? Your baby won't even be at high school by then.

They are offering you bribe money to stay in contact.

If they genuinely cared about their grandchildren, even if they still loved their son, they would give you the money with no strings.

Do not take anything. Walk away. It will be hard now but it ten years time you will thank your lucky stars you did.

This is not grey area, this is the start for a new hell. Your children deserve that money, it's their inheritance, it has nothing to do with you, nor their dad. The grand parents can give it to them when they are older, there is no reason to mix the money with something so nasty, unless.
It's like they want you to be guilty of "something", instead of their son. The crisis is about their horrendous ( no word) son, not you.
If I were to take the money, I would make an attorney deal with the entire process. Even if he takes a bit of it, you are certain to end up with something rather then nothing in the end, and as a third party, they will not be able to play games with you - as much as they want- especially in the foreseeable future. I would listen to him, I would not say a word, because I would want to make sure that he gets what he did, it would help me understand how much of him I really knew. I would keep a record, when they rare 18 I would make the children listen to it, if at any point they would want to justify his behaviour or join the grandparents pity party. From the horse's mouth, there is no turning around that. He is giving you a brick take it, you know that he will soon go back to his usual lying self. I don't think that you will get any of this money on your own. All of this is toxic.

Like other have said, I have no idea what I would do if in your situation. It is one of the worst possible places you could be.

But I dont think I would have the strength to say no to the money for one hour of work. i would see myself as prostituting myself but for the sake of my children's future, I think I would do it.

None of us on here know what sort of people these 'family' are - do you trust them to pay you? Do you have to do or say anything to get the money? What if you go and then they dont pay because you didn't forgive him? Are they like that? Would they do that?

Please remember you dont have to 'listen' to what the bastard says - you only have to sit there to get the money. Zone out. Dont respond, Dont react (yes I know its very easy to say this-nigh on impossible to do when he's done what he's done)

Oh you poor thing... your whole world has been shattered... no wonder you're all over the place.

I would take the money via solicitors. I would feel torn, but I would do it for 3 reasons.

1. To allow you and your kids to set up a new life
2. To be able to stop any reliance on their grandparents and cut them off
3. To stop your husband from getting it in years to come (petty, I know... but why should he get to be comfortable?)

The way I see it, there's nothing you wouldn't do for your kids, and that really comes across in your post. See it as a task you don't like, but have to do because the pay is £x/ hour. And then go and be free to rebuild your life without the added stress of being reliant on crumbs from grandparents and being stressed about money. Just like people who sue after terrible accidents or medical negligence it can never compensate you for what you've gone through, but it can make your life a bit easier.

Good luck to you, whatever you decide - you're clearly a fantastic parent

Assume that the PIL's never offered this money. What would you have done? Where would you have started? Do that. Don't take this money. Don't meet him. You know that nothing will happen in an hour. Nothing's going to change. So, keep your pride and sanity. Leave. Ignore. Continue to build your life.

So much advice and compassion on here OP. And no judgement. Another one who is truly sorry at what you are going through.

You might consider name changing again and posting another thread on the relationships board, not about this specific issue re your OH but about how you manage your next steps? There's lots of knowledge and expertise about how to navigate the system, benefits, legal issues etc.

Wishing you all the best and hoping that you find some support from this community of women, all behind you.

His parents are BLACKMAILING you.

To accept their money will to accept their endless inference and prescence in your life.

You need a completely new start away from him, away from the parents trying to coerce and blackmail you. Even if you are poorer you will not be spiked by him
And by extension them. It is their son, I am not surprised they chose to support him but to blackmail you at his bidding is outrageous.

You don’t need to worry about judgement if you do take their money but you need to be very careful about the price they will extract from you.

Tell them that if they care at all for their grandchildren they will offer the money without conditions, not a single one. That you are moving away and have no wish to see that monster again.

Please do what you can to take care of yourself. You have our support and you will come through this 💐💐💐💐💐💐

Tiny bit of practical stuff about your current financial situation;

1 - try your damnedest NOT to let the bank take the house, get every local estate agent possible round and get it sold if there's enough to pay off the mortgage. A repossession will mean you'll fail to get private rented accommodation let alone another mortgage.

Put yourself on the council housing list- they have a duty to house you if the property is repossessed as you have children.

2 - write to anyone who's account is in your husbands name, tell them you've separated and he is contactable at 'xxxxx' prison

3 - any debt accounts in your name, send them a breakdown of your income and expenditures and ask for any interest to be stopped and agree a payment plan with them.

Finally - take the money if you think they'll actually pay it. It's an hour, 1 of 168 in a week, so a blot on the landscape of time. You're being the brave and strong one to support your children. Good luck

He is terrible and I’m am so sorry this has happened to you.

I understand how you feel, I was abused but not going to go into detail. As an adult I understand why his parents took him in post jail and supported him. He may have been a monster but he was also their child so right now be wary of your husbands parents as much as they love you and the children they are doing damage control and their main focus will be trying to help their son.

Were I in your situation I would go and see him. I empathise with how difficult this will be, trust me, but your children deserve not to spiral into poverty due to this.

I would offer his parents a one hour meeting but ONLY after the money has been moved to your account. They may be reluctant but I would summon all your strength and say ‘I’m open to hearing him out but right now I’d like the safety of the money as it’s making me ill stressing and not good for the baby.’

I would go to the meeting but I would walk out of there and NEVER look back. I would have everything set up so that the moment you leave you can jump in the car and go start a new life elsewhere.

Spiked - soiled

I would go to their faith leader (are we sure they're Christians? I don't think OP has said) and get him to talk to them.

Personally I wouldn't take their money because it might be a carrot and stick situation - that they have given you a condition of meeting your DH for one hour, then what would the next condition be or the one after and and the one after that? It sounds manipulative and may never be forthcoming as a number of other posters have said.

I agree with @FrayedHem and it may be that they are using the promise of the money in order to try and ensure that you don't divorce their son and given that they are trying to play down the seriousness of his actions, I would be very wary indeed. Walk away, get as much advice as you can about your entitlements and you will be free of all of them and in time you can decide what you want to do with more clarity as I can understand that you feel livid and emotionally raw.

I hope everything works out well for you

The situation you have been placed in by your H is beyond appalling. If your in laws were genuine they would give financial help with no strings attached. I find it very difficult to believe they would hand over the money after you had seen H for an hour. Further conditions could include, for eg, drip feeding of money in return for letting the in laws see your children etc

You could go for the hour, present a stony face & say nothing, then find the ILS saying that that was not enough (eg you can have the money if you converse with him etc). You could get an agreement drawn up by a lawyer with whom the money must be lodged prior to the visit which would happen with the lawyer present throughout, with no requirement for you to speak to H at all & no further requirements or conditions whatsoever from ILs.

Is he on remand awaiting sentence or has he already been sentenced? Or, if he is out at present, you could insist on using the lawyer’s premises. If he is inside, the meeting would take place in jail where lawyer’s visits happen daily & there is a controlled environment.

The ILS must surely have an agenda. One hour, then you get the money and move away, never seeing H or ILs again unless you so choose? I wish you could be certain of that.

Sorry I can’t provide the answer to this dilemma. Is there anyone at all in your family who could help in any way with accommodation etc?

Failing all else, you know the ILs & only you can assess what may happen. I wish you courage & the best of luck.

The money isn't dirty in this case so I would take it. If it was earned through distributing abuse images obviously I wouldn't take it, but this money comes from the parents.

The money would need to be in my account before I spoke to the ex husband though. Otherwise it will never be given.

Make sure the money is in the hands of a solicitor first, who can then witness the visit and transfer the money in full the second the visit is done. If any part of this agreement means you have to trust them don't do it.

Nobody could blame you for doing something to secure your children's future. As usual you are putting your family first at your own expense. You could even take your therapist to the visit if they agree. I doubt the ex in laws would think to put a clause in preventing you taking support.

One thing to remember, if you do see him and you feel a rush of sympathy/compassion for him, it doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you human, just the same as if you feel nothing but hate when you see him. Whatever your reaction, it's no reflection on you. But it might help to have your therapist as witness so they can help you work through your feelings.

Ok, here goes first post, sorry it so long. I have always been on the outskirts of MN watching for good advice on posts but have never joined. With my past experience I felt compelled to. 20 years ago I went to the Police about sexual abuse by my step father that had gone on for years, PF wouldn’t take it forward as no physical evidence (not like it is now) SF manipulated everyone into thinking I was taking drugs and I was alienated from my family, even my own mother, I had no one. 17 years on I’m contacted by the Police as my Daughter (8 at the time) was classed as a Grandchild to say my Daughter is now under social work care. Thousands of images had been found on his computer! Very quickly it was obvious to them she never had contact and it was withdrawn. He was found guilty of that and both I and the Police were sickened by his sentence as his lawyer played things very well (sick, unwell man etc), so don’t guarantee on the sentence being as long as you think. I know my situation is different but if my Mum had been in your situation and taken the money and run I would have been very proud of her. Instead we have a broken relationship that haunts me because he came first. Also everyone else who believed him or accepted it (and to this day even found guilty there are some) I will never forgive. I think they are all enablers as are your H’s parents. For you and your children to start again somewhere far away financially sound without the whispers and the looks I think is worth an hour. Just be very careful and remember this is a devious and manipulative man you are dealing with. He has talked his parents round! For that hour you want everything in writing and for the money to be transferred. It’s about you and your babies now. It may be in the local press and on the internet forever. Give them the best life you can before having to expose them to the truth. I just wanted to share my experience and send you my love. Please take care of you as it sounds like at the moment there is no one else to and I know how that feels.

I’m so sorry for you and for your children.

Your children have a right to what is theirs. If you do agree to this set out the conditions:

• meeting in your solicitors office
• money lodged and cleared in your solicitor’s account so it can be transfered to you immediately
• contract written signed before hand
• you sit with whoever you choose (even a paid bouncer),and say nothing.

This money I presume would be life chnaging, would enable you to start again?

If they’re so concerned about the kids’ welfare, they would have given you the money and respectfully back off

This.

Sending strength to you OP. What about your own family in this? If you haven’t already I think you would be better to turn to your own people for help. I wouldn’t trust his parents. As you say there is no right answer. I’m so sorry for you. Wishing you best of luck for the future.

Actually now I have had coffee and thought about this I would see him happily. I would tell him what he wants to hear. Nod and smile and make all the right noises and win a fucking oscar while I bleed his parents dry of every penny of his inheritance.

Once I had every fucking penny I would disappear. I would use their money to buy somewhere far away from them and their evil bastard son. I would change our names legally. They would never, ever see me again.

And once I had taken what I needed for a home and for some security for the children I would donate any money left over to those nutters who track down and expose paedophiles.

That's what I would do. His parents are manipulative bastards who want you to stand by him to save their face in their church. Fuck that shit.

But if he is locked up for now use this time to secure yours and your childrens future. The family money isn't dirty money, the family are dirty. But they have money and you need money.

It's no worse morally than the standard advice in here given of 'get your ducks in a row' when a dh has been caught cheating. The dw knows they are going to leave, they know the marriage is dead but they plaster a smile on and sort out the finances.

You do the same. Win an oscar. Get some money. Move on with your life.

His parents are dispicable as is he.

They are minimising his offences (and they must have been quite bad, to be told he will serve a long custodial sentence) and instead of being a support to you, they are blackmailing and manipulating you.

I don’t have an answer OP, but if you do visit then make damn sure that everything is done via a soliciter.

I would also advise if you do agree, then have it noted that it will be a single time and you will only communicate with them via a soliciter in the future.

personally, I would block their numbers and come off of any form social media.

I'm really sorry, this is just awful.

Will the money come with strings attached? And how will you manage without the money? And is the money enough for you to re-locate and go NC with them?

I think you might be left wondering what he was going to say in that one hour. Not now but a few years down the line. And also your kids may want answers too as they get older. I would perhaps wait till you feel able to face him but go with support. Are any of your family members supportive?

Those friends are not real friends. You are better off without them.

With regards to your house, will there be any equity from there that you can use to re-locate and purchase something cheaper? If you are based in the south, may be consider the north. It's cheaper and friendly, and green!

Re some previous posts, I would be wary of allowing yourself to think of this money as rightfully belonging to your children; unless they gift it to you, the money belongs to your inlaws and they will do with it what they like.

Oh my word, I have no words on where to start!

Only pictures... pictures of real human beings, children who had to endure having those pictures taken and will live with that experience forever!

I agree, I would want the money upfront and something in writing to say no further strings, money then visit. At the end of the day if you can start a fresh somewhere new then you can take the money and run and hopefully cut the ties with the extended family. Would your children benefit from their extended family preaching to them about how misunderstood their father was, no one was hurt yada yada and growing up with a skewed opinion of his crime?? They would be better off away from all of them and building a new fresh exciting future with their fab mum!

All I can say is stay strong (so easy to type but so incredibly difficult for you to do, I can't even imagine!), keep your head up and lean on people here if need be. My heart is with you xx

I have no words. It's great there are others here with experience and you've had some great advice. I would advise you against doing this, just because of how you think. You have very very strong morals and you're already questioning yourself on this. I think as a PP said, you need to take care of your mind. I also think grand parents are bluffing. They will help you out whether you see their son or not. If they don't help, it will be a lot easier to break contact completely and you will be able to explain why to your children when they're older. I would tell the ILs that you don't feel able to meet 'that man', that you are the children's only parent taking care of them and so you need to take care of yourself (especially when carrying a baby) and it's up to them if they want to help their grandchildren or not.