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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to take his family's dirty money? **Sensitive thread about child abuse - title edited by MNHQ**

670 replies

devastatedanon · 07/09/2018 23:17

NC for reasons that will become very obvious. Identifying details removed. There are things I have had to leave out so please forgive me for not filling in some of the blanks.

I have been married for 11 years. Two kids and I'm six months pregnant with our much wanted third baby. Good job, nice house, adoring man.

It was all a lie. You are the first people I've told and even writing this out anonymously makes me want to vomit.

Three months ago the man I married (I can't call him DH or even husband) was arrested for viewing and storing child abuse images. We aren't talking about a few questionable pictures, ones he could argue he thought they were of age. Babies. Toddlers. Thousands of pictures and film clips. After the usual pathetic attempts at lying, he confessed and I've been told that due to the severity and amount, he is going away for a very long time.

Good.

As soon as he confessed, every feeling, every good memory I had of us as a family died. He became less than nothing to me. (I am seeing a therapist by the way, so are the kids, she is helping me cope with this boiling, violent rage I feel every time I think of his face)

I never want to see him again. Ever. He has been contacting me to beg for an hour of my time to "explain". As if there is anything he could say to explain away this horror, to minimise the fact he was an active participant in destroying the lives of those poor children. As if there is anything he could say to soften the fact he has destroyed my life, our babies lives.

He says he just wants an hour and then I can walk away but I "owe him this small thing".

I hope everyone will agree I ANBU when I say I can't/won't see him. I can't guarantee what I'd do. I can't and I won't and the idea I owe him ANYTHING is disgusting and repulsive.

Here's the AIBU. I dont have much family and nobody local, so his family have always been a big part of our lives. His parents are religious and have decided to love the sinner, hate the sin.

(I can't express how that makes me feel. I don't have the words for my anger and disgust)

They agree I owe him an hour and are haranguing me about it. You can imagine their arguments - it was "only" pictures, I need closure, we need to agree what to tell the children, I am being hormonal, I am selfish etc etc...

For the record, there stopped being a "we" the very second he admitted to his crimes. That's my closure and I will tell my children what I want (no idea what yet, one for the therapist to help me with).

I want to cut them out too. They disgust me now. I can't bear the idea of people who support that man being around my little ones. But... I lost my job and the house will go back to the bank soon. They have said they will give me the money he was due to inherit if I meet him. He won't need it where he is going. I need to feed my kids and more than ever, I need to keep them safe.

Part of me thinks the right thing to do for my kids would be to see him, get through an hour and take their money. Isn't that what a good mother would do? Grit my teeth and bear it for the chance to provide for my children? Is it selfish to refuse, when I know the impact it will have on my kids? It's dirty money but dirty money buys food and clothes just as good as clean money and I would rather die than ever let the kids know how I got it.

I don't know what to do. If I do it, I can provide for my babies who are so innocent and don't deserve any more pain.

Also, if I don't do it, the kids won't see their grandparents or extended family again. Right now I don't want them to be near those people but it should be MY CHOICE. Not another punishment for the kids.

I don't know what to do. I'm crying again but I cry all the time now. I can't talk to anyone about this in RL and my best friends have ghosted me since the news came out. I'm alone and scared of making the wrong choice.

I was going to ask, what should I do but I think we are past moral judgements. So my question is, what would you do? What price would you pay? I don't even care about my own mental health at this stage, that ship has sailed but it's like I physically cannot be in a room with him.

Thanks for reading, I'll answer any questions I can but if I can't, I'll say so and I hope you understand why.

OP posts:
Cath2907 · 08/09/2018 06:33

I would take the money and do the visit. Far easier to protect and care for the kids with a bit of cash behind you!

IAmSproutycus · 08/09/2018 06:36

I have no advice to offer because there are already lots of opposing and equally valid opinions here already. I just wanted to send love and to wish you every possible support and well wishes for the coming months and for your long term future.

AnnieAnoniMoose · 08/09/2018 06:37

There is no way it would mean they’d have a hold over me. I would view it as a simple transaction, done and dusted.

There’s no way, while I had breath in me, that him or his family would see MY children. He, as far as I’m concerned, lost that ‘right’ doing what he did and they never had any rights. Behaving as they have, they’d have lost my goodwill and trust, people that don’t have my trust wouldn’t see my children.

Justanothernameonthepage · 08/09/2018 06:43

No advice as I honestly have no idea what I'd do in your situation.
But you are strong (strong enough to have not fooled yourself into believing him) and am sure no matter what decision you make, you'll be able to look back in 10 years from a happier place.
I would say that I probably wouldn't believe they'd hand over the money given that they probably think you'll meet him and then forgive him.

Mouseville65 · 08/09/2018 06:44

Your story broke my heart, not sure why but the part where you said your friends had ghosted you finished me off, you deserve better than that 💐

I was a victim of childhood abuse and I would still take the money if I was in your position, you and your children have suffered so much already, for an hour looking at a caged monster you could have the fresh start you desperately need.

Frouby · 08/09/2018 06:50

You won't get any money.

Sell your house before its repossessed. Sell anything of value.

I would meet him anyway. Just to tell him he won't ever see you or his kids again. Ans see the look on his face.

If they want to give you money to do that then let them. As soon as you have the money disappear. But have a plan b to disappear.

Downeyhouse · 08/09/2018 06:51

I think for your children’s long term security I wound take the money FIRST and then arrange to meet ( but not agree for a whole hour).

Being around an abuser of any sort is not good for a victim’s mental health and may push your healing back.

Having said that I would go but ask for a mediator trained in abuse to go also to ensure he does not use the opportunity to emotionally abuse you.

You can also turn this around and use the chance to tell him what you think.

I would let him have his 5 (not 60) mins and then launch into a speech about your hurt and anger and clearly tell him he will never see you again. Stand up and leave with your dignity intact.

ADarkandStormyKnight · 08/09/2018 06:55

This happened three months ago. You lost your job.

Could you ask the parents for enough money to save your house for - say - a year or until the prosecution is concluded, or you are back on your feet with a new job etc so that there is at least one thing you don’t have to worry about?

If they can afford it then this feels like the compassionate thing to do and a really practical way for them to support their son by helping his children.

Cantchooseaname · 08/09/2018 06:57

What a bunch of manipulative twats the gps are.
It’s not about them, it’s about their innocent grandchildren.
You are truly in an awful place. No one would blame you for taking the money and using it to make a new life.
Who would withhold food money from a child? The kind of people who have a paedophile child.

Grizistheshiz · 08/09/2018 06:58

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation.

If I was you I’d meet him and I’d use the hour to let out my anger. Don’t let him have his say, you have yours instead.

Don’t let him minimise and say things like ‘indecent images of children’ call them what they are ‘child rape images’ make him aware of how you really feel and how awful what he’s done is. If his parents are minimising this may be the only time he truly will get to understand how awful what’s he’s done is.

But get the money in advance and move away. He’ll be out in less than 2 years no matter how extreme the videos.

All the best x

DoraJar · 08/09/2018 06:59

What @Frouby said

I wish you and your children well

Billben · 08/09/2018 07:01

I "owe him this small thing".

You owe him fuck all

KM99 · 08/09/2018 07:04

Agree with a lot of people on here. If they really cared for the kids they'd give you that money with zero conditions.

No, you don't want to see him and if down the line you ever do want to see him (for closure) it's your decision, not because they are dangling a carrot in front of you. And honestly I'd be tempted to tell them that.

Definitely seek advice where you can (social services, citizen's advice etc) on your next move. You and the kids come first, nobody else.

Good luck, OP. I hope in time (and with therapy) your heart is able to heal. No-one deserves this sickening betrayal. You take as long as you need to feel every stage of emotion. xx

apostropheuse · 08/09/2018 07:09

I wouldn't take the money. I would let the bank have the house actually, and move away to start a new life away from his horrible manipulative family.

If he gets out of prison in a few years I would be worried that he would want his share of the house, or at least use it to try to manipulate you again. Any life you rebuild fir you and your children he can't touch.

Do what you feel is right for you and your children OP, you are a strong, capable, woman and will get through this.

Be good to yourself Flowers

Calidream · 08/09/2018 07:09

How is the OP going to afford a solicitor if she's struggling to feed her kids? They need to pay for a solicitor of the OP's choosing surely. I'm not even sure if that would work

AlmaGeddon · 08/09/2018 07:11

Someone said his parents / childhood might be the reason he is like that.
I'm not sure that is usually the case. I would say he is a very sick man. With an incurable illness.

His parents are very likely to be there for him, he will always be Their son.
Probably better you tell them you are nt going to be bribed and if they cared for their DGCs they would give the money without ties. It's hard to imagine what he can say to you that would help you. Is there a support group for people in your position OP?It must be quite common with the amount of child porn use today.

ADarkandStormyKnight · 08/09/2018 07:11

I imagine the parents are in shock and in denial. I don’t say that to excuse them (I think their response is wholly inadequate and inappropriate) but it’s possible that their feelings/behaviour might change when they’ve accepted the truth about their son.

One of the truths is that he is no longer providing for the children.

ittooshallpass · 08/09/2018 07:12

Can you go and talk to their local religious leader?

I am sure they would be appalled at the way you are being treated and may possibly get them to see that they should support you with no strings attached.

Failing that, have you got/ can you get anything in writing from them about this 'gift' they are offering. Could you then use this in your divorce case? Would it prove that this money is your children's inheritance and should be given as part of the divorce?

Apologies if I am way off with either of these suggestions but just trying to think of ways for you to get this money without any strings.

I am so sorry for what you are going through.

penisbeakers · 08/09/2018 07:14

If you decide to see him - take a chaperone with you. Someone who isn't related to you or the family in any way. Sit behind a screen, put in some earplugs and ignore him.

Make his family pay you first. Say it's non negotiable if you have to see him, and the chaperone is also non negotiable. After it's over - tell them to fuck off, and never see any of them again.

I would lean towards not going at all, but if they are going to give you money, you can run away and never see them again. I hope they don't attach any conditions to it aside from seeing him.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. 🌺

Fuzzywig · 08/09/2018 07:15

I haven’t read everything so apologies if it’s been said before.

You are much stronger than me I am a terrible people pleaser.

I would want the cash transferred into my account the second I had arrived at the prison.
I would leave stating I couldn’t do it.
I would move far away.
I would change names by deed pole.
I would never see him or his manipulative family ever again

Good luck to you and your kids

user1471426142 · 08/09/2018 07:15

If there was a way of securing the money then I’d do the hour meeting. However, I’d be suspicious that it would never come. Will there be a request for more and more meetings etc?

I’m so sorry that this has happened to you. I can only imagine how devestating it must have been.

chocolateavocado99 · 08/09/2018 07:15

I am so sorry that you are going through this.
I would also take the money. He has inflicted enough pain on you. This money could seriously impact the quality of life your children have. I would do it for them.
Get a solicitor to write up a contract, sell your house before it gets repossessed, meet him and move away from his toxic family and all those memories.

cloudtree · 08/09/2018 07:17

See a solicitor OP (I am one but this is not my area however I might be able to refer you to someone suitable if you PM me). Get an agreement drawn up so that you get the money in exchange for the visit.

I would do the visit. Without a doubt. The only thing that matters now is your children and their security. If the money will secure that then it is worthwhile. I don't really see the harm in the visit to be honest other than from a moral "what would people think" point of view. But how would anyone even know. You talk about your mental health but it might actually do you good to help you to harden your resolve and to remove any chance of you weakening.

I am clearly leaving aside in this the very strange approach of his parents. I think its very wrong that they are attaching conditions to the money (and likewise I would expect him to want to provide for his children and ask his parents to hand over the money without strings - but clearly he doesn't think as normal people do). However, as parent I do completely understand their own approach to still seeing him in that they still love him whatever he has done. I'm sure they despise his actions but that doesn't prevent you from loving your child.

Twittwootoo · 08/09/2018 07:19

Have PM’d you OP

Twittwootoo · 08/09/2018 07:22

A few people are saying he should never see his kids again. Sadly, legally, the law supports him in seeing them if he is unaccompanied. Can you believe it. If he took OP to court he would likely win. Also if the house is in joint names she can’t just sell it. They will need to communicate about it via a solicitor as part of the divorce.

Further to my email, OP, perhaps you could agree to meet at a mediation session? And use it to discuss finances? That way it is very formal, you get your money and it is actually useful for you too?