AIBU to take his family's dirty money? **Sensitive thread about child abuse - title edited by MNHQ**

[devastatedanon]

NC for reasons that will become very obvious. Identifying details removed. There are things I have had to leave out so please forgive me for not filling in some of the blanks.

I have been married for 11 years. Two kids and I'm six months pregnant with our much wanted third baby. Good job, nice house, adoring man.

It was all a lie. You are the first people I've told and even writing this out anonymously makes me want to vomit.

Three months ago the man I married (I can't call him DH or even husband) was arrested for viewing and storing child abuse images. We aren't talking about a few questionable pictures, ones he could argue he thought they were of age. Babies. Toddlers. Thousands of pictures and film clips. After the usual pathetic attempts at lying, he confessed and I've been told that due to the severity and amount, he is going away for a very long time.

Good.

As soon as he confessed, every feeling, every good memory I had of us as a family died. He became less than nothing to me. (I am seeing a therapist by the way, so are the kids, she is helping me cope with this boiling, violent rage I feel every time I think of his face)

I never want to see him again. Ever. He has been contacting me to beg for an hour of my time to "explain". As if there is anything he could say to explain away this horror, to minimise the fact he was an active participant in destroying the lives of those poor children. As if there is anything he could say to soften the fact he has destroyed my life, our babies lives.

He says he just wants an hour and then I can walk away but I "owe him this small thing".

I hope everyone will agree I ANBU when I say I can't/won't see him. I can't guarantee what I'd do. I can't and I won't and the idea I owe him ANYTHING is disgusting and repulsive.

Here's the AIBU. I dont have much family and nobody local, so his family have always been a big part of our lives. His parents are religious and have decided to love the sinner, hate the sin.

(I can't express how that makes me feel. I don't have the words for my anger and disgust)

They agree I owe him an hour and are haranguing me about it. You can imagine their arguments - it was "only" pictures, I need closure, we need to agree what to tell the children, I am being hormonal, I am selfish etc etc...

For the record, there stopped being a "we" the very second he admitted to his crimes. That's my closure and I will tell my children what I want (no idea what yet, one for the therapist to help me with).

I want to cut them out too. They disgust me now. I can't bear the idea of people who support that man being around my little ones. But... I lost my job and the house will go back to the bank soon. They have said they will give me the money he was due to inherit if I meet him. He won't need it where he is going. I need to feed my kids and more than ever, I need to keep them safe.

Part of me thinks the right thing to do for my kids would be to see him, get through an hour and take their money. Isn't that what a good mother would do? Grit my teeth and bear it for the chance to provide for my children? Is it selfish to refuse, when I know the impact it will have on my kids? It's dirty money but dirty money buys food and clothes just as good as clean money and I would rather die than ever let the kids know how I got it.

I don't know what to do. If I do it, I can provide for my babies who are so innocent and don't deserve any more pain.

Also, if I don't do it, the kids won't see their grandparents or extended family again. Right now I don't want them to be near those people but it should be MY CHOICE. Not another punishment for the kids.

I don't know what to do. I'm crying again but I cry all the time now. I can't talk to anyone about this in RL and my best friends have ghosted me since the news came out. I'm alone and scared of making the wrong choice.

I was going to ask, what should I do but I think we are past moral judgements. So my question is, what would you do? What price would you pay? I don't even care about my own mental health at this stage, that ship has sailed but it's like I physically cannot be in a room with him.

Thanks for reading, I'll answer any questions I can but if I can't, I'll say so and I hope you understand why.

Firstly, you've been very brave and you're so much stronger than I could ever hope to be.

I've read through every one of your posts with my mind flipping sides as to what I'd do in your situation.

If it was just you, with no children, then I'd say no. No way.

But it's not just you.

You have to do what's best for your children and that's feeding and housing them.

And I honestly think you've been through enough shit now. You deserve a little security so you don't have to worry about the bills piling up.

So, go, make it through those 60 minutes, take the money, and do not look back!

They won't give you the money.

They will use your need for the money to continue to blackmail you.

Cut all contact with them.

My friend went through this - your exact situation. She has had to cut ties with the parents as well - they started trying to persuade her to take the children to visit him in jail - because "he is still their father".

Run far away from them.

I think they're all being emotionally and financially manipulative and abusive. Anything he has to say will make things worse and not better: and the grandparents need to back the fuck off and let you and the kids heal from this. This isn't your problem, your a victim of your husbands abuse too.

God help you and you're pregnant. I really really feel for you.

Could moving home to your family be an option? Can you speak to your council about emergency housing? Can you speak to police and ask for advice? Surely they've dealt with families who've been in this position before.

Sending you

I think this all depends on whether you will ever be able to make peace with taking the money. If you can get to a place of recognising it is a transaction that you have under taken, exchanging personal pain for financial benefit for your children. You have carefully weighed both sides of this transaction and have fully accepted the gain is worth the pain to you and your family.

If you are likely not to get beyond the point of thinking of the money and yourself as dirty and soiled then it may not be worth it. A mother full of self loathing cannot be compensated for with £££.

If you do go for the money, I would get it watertight. Bring in the lawyers.
If it helps, I think I would take the money, as long as you were confident there were no more strings attached.

First of all op I am so so sorry that you are in this terrible situation.

I don’t know what I’d do. I think I’d take their money because I’d rather someone innocent have the benefit of it than those scum bags.

Whatever you do I don’t think anyone could reproach you at all.

I would take the money.

I'm assuming this is in the UK. If so, the man will not yet be in prison if he hasn't been sentenced. He will get a maximum of 5 years for having indecent images on his devices, up to 10 years if he was passing those images around. That's the maximum sentencing available to the courts. Social services will be involved with the children automatically. They will have made it very clear to the mother that if she had contact with the father she could lose the children, same with the paternal grandparents. If the man is constantly trying to make contact, the courts will issue a restraining order prohibiting this because of the children. Any breach of this will result in him immediately being taken into custody. The OP has to notify the police of this.
This is not about seeing her ex if his parents pay her, it's about ensuring the children are, and remain, safe from a sex offender. As his parents are siding with him and minimising his offences, the children also need to be kept safe from them. Agreeing to their suggestion regarding money is doing the opposite, and not keeping them safe. This could be deemed by social services as putting the children at greater risk.
The OP must tell the family social worker what the GPS are suggesting.

Also how much money is it? Are we talking a few thousands or hundreds of thousands?

@Soontobe60 I can't believe the sentence is so short

I would absolutely take the money and would feel no guilt doing so. My kids are at the top of my values tree.

But I do admire you for wanting to stick to your own values.

So sorry you are going through all this 😘
It’s obviously a very difficult time , dealing with his behaviour and trying to plan for the future too, I wish you well .
I think I would meet him , accompanied even by a police officer, for the money . But get an agreement made up by a solicitor, paid for by his parents, that you get the money once you meet .
At least that will help with taking some of the financial worry away . It’s easy to say don’t meet him but the practical reality is you and your children will need money and he owes you all .
Best of luck xx

I think I would do as Frouby said. You have the house complication so you need to untangle that to preserve YOU..not him. So please get advice about that.

OP, you sound a lovely lady going through a nightmare and whatever you do, no one will judge...

Take the money.

OP my mother was in a very different situation but similar in the sense cash was used as motivator to Blackmail and manipulate her.

She refused point blank on principle, she “couldn’t do it” was “worried what her children would think” and took the moral high ground. at the time I begged her to get on with it and get the cash and run.
10 years on and she now realised the hardship she endured for a decade was not necessary and she should have sat down for an hour or two and got through it.

I would go via solicitors, have the solicitors hold the cash, prep with your therapist about how it will go beforehand, prepare a letter for the in laws to be given by solicitor once you have left outlining your feelings, take the cash, run, new names and new lives for everyone.
Without wanting to alarm you
A lot can change in 10 years - both your feelings about the cash, the relationship the kids have with the GP (none to a strong one), your husband won’t die in prison most likely and may well fight for access, you need to be prepared for that.

Massive hugs OP you are incredibly strong and you're children are lucky to have such an amazing mum!

Your PIL are emotionally blackmailing you which is a cruel thing to do.
Personally the only way I would consider going ahead with this as someone else posted is completely and utterly through solicitors so money is held by the solicitors, its an agreement document and with the solicitor present in the room with a condition that the PIL do not contact you in the future. That is the only way I would ever even consider it as its means there is no further dragging it out and you are garentees to receive the money.

I think however if you say to them that this is your condition they will try to turn it around and basically say no as what they are doing is manipulation.

Nobody is going to judge you for saying no though!

You need legal advice. What would happen
to the money in the divorce? What would happen if they died in the next 7 years? Making it a no-strings gift might not be possible.

I started off thinking you should take the money just for the hell of it. Now I don't think it's worth it - they have an agenda that you don't know about and you need a clean break.

I would take the money.
It gives you the control back, I would do it formally via solicitor like others have said you are sure it’s going to be there.

You could take it and give yourself 6 months or longer to decide what to do - build a new life (pretty much a new identity) for your family, give it away, give it back or keep it for a rainy day or even leave it to the kids when you pass away.
Money isn’t everything but it means security, even if you are going to be devastated because of this then maybe at least you could be devastated but know you can afford food and to pay your bills.
I am so sad for you that this has happened.

Nah. If they’re so concerned about the kids’ welfare, they would have given you the money and respectfully back off.

This.

Your ex has already made you feel unlike your best self. Don’t allow his parents manipulate you as well.

I’d say hold fast to your moral compass. You know what’s right. Hold to that.

Your ex and his parents are minimising. You do not need to stoop to their moral vacuum.

You’re strong and you sound amazing, dealing with such horror.

It’s not dirty money.
I suspect it’s nearly blackmail, and is definitely a control mechanism. As a pp said, if they were really concerned, they’d give you the money without strings.

I would take the money solely to provide a stable and secure home for your children. There is no shame at all in that.

Don't stay for an hour. Perhaps write down what you would like to say to him and read it out, including what you've said above about his actions tainting your whole life together and that you will not allow him to see your children. Say nothing else.

Can you find a support group for women whose partners have done these awful things? I think you need to be able to talk to other people who understand the situation from the inside.

I somehow deleted the first few sentences
I assume they aren’t thinking clearly as they are still alive and kicking and may need the cash also your husband is (unfortunately) unlikely to go away “forever” so I would be very skeptical and want the cash in my solicitors hands first.

I would take it because, quite frankly, you’re fucking owed it! I’d get the legal paperwork all drawn up and signed that you’ll be paid the money within X days of the visit. I’d then go and do the old Mumsnet “grey rock”. I’d let him say what he wanted, not say a single fucking word, get up and leave. Then I’d cash the cheque and cut all of them out of my life. But that’s me.

There’s is no “right” decision here, just what’s right for you. for you OP.

I am so so sorry that you are going through this. It's a really really tough one to call. And I know it must be even harder being in the situation. I'm so angry for you.

How dare they ask you to go through that.

Would this be the only money you would see from them? Could taking the money now prevent them using that money to do something similar to your children further down the line and trying to bully them into seeing him when they are older? Even if you go NC with them, GPs are very persistent IME and will no doubt try and track them down when older.

If that's the sum of the money then I would go and take the money (via solicitor if that's an option) so they have no hold over your kids in the future. Go alone or with a person of your choosing. Write down a set of short phrases ready to say if you feel that you might launch at him to help keep your emotions under control and repeat as necessary. Be physically present but not engaging.Then when it's done, it's done.

Feel no guilt for taking that money. It's for yours and your kids future. You are clearly a wonderful parent. Likewise, feel no guilt for not taking the money. You can hold your head high in both scenarios.

I'm so sorry OP. It's difficult for anyone to say what they would do, as it's such a hard situation and beyond comprehension for most of us.
I think if I possibly could, I'd take the money. Get an agreement drawn up so they don't place further demands on you. Talk through coping strategies with your therapist. Get some sort of medication from the doctor to get you through it. Anything. Then grit your teeth for an hour and pretend to listen.

I would get an agreement done with a solicitor that you all sign, get them to deposit the money with the solicitor. I would do the hour visit but just wouldn't speak.
Then I would go home, have a good scrub in the shower, get the solicitor to transfer the cash whilst packing our stuff up. I would then leave the area for good. Pick somewhere else to live and restart our lives where no one knows us and we can have a proper fresh start. I'd also consider changing my surname back to my maiden name. And no photos allowed at school.
Then focus on having a great life with new friends around me.

What a horrible situation. I'm so sorry your friends have let you down. I hope you can do whatever you need to do to get yourself and your kids into a better place.