AIBU to take his family's dirty money? **Sensitive thread about child abuse - title edited by MNHQ**

[devastatedanon]

NC for reasons that will become very obvious. Identifying details removed. There are things I have had to leave out so please forgive me for not filling in some of the blanks.

I have been married for 11 years. Two kids and I'm six months pregnant with our much wanted third baby. Good job, nice house, adoring man.

It was all a lie. You are the first people I've told and even writing this out anonymously makes me want to vomit.

Three months ago the man I married (I can't call him DH or even husband) was arrested for viewing and storing child abuse images. We aren't talking about a few questionable pictures, ones he could argue he thought they were of age. Babies. Toddlers. Thousands of pictures and film clips. After the usual pathetic attempts at lying, he confessed and I've been told that due to the severity and amount, he is going away for a very long time.

Good.

As soon as he confessed, every feeling, every good memory I had of us as a family died. He became less than nothing to me. (I am seeing a therapist by the way, so are the kids, she is helping me cope with this boiling, violent rage I feel every time I think of his face)

I never want to see him again. Ever. He has been contacting me to beg for an hour of my time to "explain". As if there is anything he could say to explain away this horror, to minimise the fact he was an active participant in destroying the lives of those poor children. As if there is anything he could say to soften the fact he has destroyed my life, our babies lives.

He says he just wants an hour and then I can walk away but I "owe him this small thing".

I hope everyone will agree I ANBU when I say I can't/won't see him. I can't guarantee what I'd do. I can't and I won't and the idea I owe him ANYTHING is disgusting and repulsive.

Here's the AIBU. I dont have much family and nobody local, so his family have always been a big part of our lives. His parents are religious and have decided to love the sinner, hate the sin.

(I can't express how that makes me feel. I don't have the words for my anger and disgust)

They agree I owe him an hour and are haranguing me about it. You can imagine their arguments - it was "only" pictures, I need closure, we need to agree what to tell the children, I am being hormonal, I am selfish etc etc...

For the record, there stopped being a "we" the very second he admitted to his crimes. That's my closure and I will tell my children what I want (no idea what yet, one for the therapist to help me with).

I want to cut them out too. They disgust me now. I can't bear the idea of people who support that man being around my little ones. But... I lost my job and the house will go back to the bank soon. They have said they will give me the money he was due to inherit if I meet him. He won't need it where he is going. I need to feed my kids and more than ever, I need to keep them safe.

Part of me thinks the right thing to do for my kids would be to see him, get through an hour and take their money. Isn't that what a good mother would do? Grit my teeth and bear it for the chance to provide for my children? Is it selfish to refuse, when I know the impact it will have on my kids? It's dirty money but dirty money buys food and clothes just as good as clean money and I would rather die than ever let the kids know how I got it.

I don't know what to do. If I do it, I can provide for my babies who are so innocent and don't deserve any more pain.

Also, if I don't do it, the kids won't see their grandparents or extended family again. Right now I don't want them to be near those people but it should be MY CHOICE. Not another punishment for the kids.

I don't know what to do. I'm crying again but I cry all the time now. I can't talk to anyone about this in RL and my best friends have ghosted me since the news came out. I'm alone and scared of making the wrong choice.

I was going to ask, what should I do but I think we are past moral judgements. So my question is, what would you do? What price would you pay? I don't even care about my own mental health at this stage, that ship has sailed but it's like I physically cannot be in a room with him.

Thanks for reading, I'll answer any questions I can but if I can't, I'll say so and I hope you understand why.

If you can secure the money from them, then do the visit, there is absolutely no blame in that, just the totally unpleasantness of that hour.

But then give yourself the luxury of cutting these people out of your lives forever, because they are scum.

Your kids are your priority. Take the money (up front) and get through the hour knowing it's the last time you'll ever see him.
If they will truly give you the money for seeing him, they should do it before the meeting as early as after
I admire your strength OP.

I completely echo every reply so far. You seem like an amazing mum who has been thrown into an awful situation.

I don’t know what I’d do in your position but I’m wondering if there is a way you can go but turn the hour around so you could get what you need from it. A bit like where victims of crime meet the perpetrators to get closure.

I get you don’t want to see him ever again and I’d probably feel the same but I’m sure in time you will have a list of questions you’d like answers to, so now may be the time to get them.

That may be a silly suggestion, just trying to think of an alternative way so you get the most out of bezing forced to see him.

Take the money, agree half upfront and half once you've seen the cunt

You are in control here op, remember that. I know you’ve lost everything, you’re grieving and the world has become an unfamiliar place but you PIL are making my blood boil and I’m trying not to wind you up.....

I think I’d HAVE to say to them STOP blackmailing me! I would say I’ll take the money for your grandchildren’s psychologists (which they only need because of your son’s actions by the way) and for food, that’ll make our life a bit easier thanks. I’ll take that while I’m thinking over and getting legal advice about your other offer. If this is an issue then forget the visit. Find your power here op because it’s yours. They want something from you not the other way round. Completely your decision 😘

I can’t believe they wouldn’t just do the above anyway tbh. Shocking.

100% get the money locked down first but I think I’d go and then I’d disappear and make a new life.

Good luck, you sound amazing xx 💐

Absolutely not, no. What next? If you take him back they’ll buy you a pony?

What if your children find out when they are older? ‘Hey kids, I got a new house for us but I had to go and visit daddy after he did some awful things.’

I wouldn’t take it.

The fact that you’re already being blackmailed for it in the first place means the strings will always be attached. You will always ‘owe’ them. However do ask them to put the money in trust funds for the children. Make sure it’s in the children’s names and left there until they’re old enough. If they refuse that then at least you know it was all just for the strings attached.

We are lucky enough to have a benefit system in our country, use it.
Move far away and let them restart their lives.

Weirdly, I know two families this happened to when I was a kid. They stayed in the area, nothing wrong with the kids but to anyone who didn’t really know them they’ve always been ‘that family you know who’s Dad did that’. Give your kids a fresh start without that label.

These “loving” grandparents sound like horrible people. There is a very good reason why their son was broken enough to be doing something so inexcusably wrong, isn’t there? I’ll bet he justifies it to himself (and blames them and their religion - be prepared...). If you can, record what he has to say. If he blames them, send them a copy after you receive the money.
Now onto your dilemma. Definitely get a solicitor to write up a legally-binding contract with dates. Otherwise they will dangle the money with further conditions. Do not see him until it is signed and you have carefully read and agreed to any counter-offers. There is a very good chance that these people know that their son may very well get let out of jail for good behaviour years before you expect him to be released. One of their conditions may be that you will be expected to use this money to look after him in their dotage. They may also expect you to remain married to him so that they can save face at church. I imagine they would like to keep up the facade that the bastard is actually innocent.

Once you have the money, if you can bear it, divorce him and move away. Change your names, change your career if you can. Act as though you are in witness protection. All this will protect you and your children from the horrible grandparents and the media and the grandparent’s son if he is released from jail.

Only do it if you get the money upfront.

Use this hour to take and give him divorce papers.

If you are willing to do it, tell them you need to hire your own solicitor to check any agreement they draw up AND they will need to pay your legal costs.

Also you need your own legal advice about your divorce .

What RL support do you have during your pregnancy ? Does your MW know your situation ?

This is such a nightmare for you - to lose everything in these circumstances...just awful. So sorry for you and your children. His parents are probably reeling too and minimising and manipulating to try to gain control of the situation. Or they could be nasty, evil people themselves.

Whatever you decide to do will be the right decision for you at the time so don't beat yourself up about it afterwards.

I would take the money. Get a solicitor involved, payment in advance to the solicitor, meet for an hour with whatever support you need, zone out or use that time to tell him what you think of him. Leave with your head held high and money in the bank for you and your children to start again. Have no further contact.

What an awful situation OP; but it sounds as though you are already doing a great job to protect your children.

The man you married is a complete bastard and deserves absolutely nothing. You "owe" him nothing. I pity his parents and suspect that their behaviour comes from their being out of their minds with grief and shame; but you owe them nothing either: you have some difficult years ahead getting life back on an even keel for your children and yourself and that is where, as you have clearly already discerned, your focus needs to lie.

If we take the money out of the equation for the moment, I think that one of the difficult questions which you will have to navigate in the future is what the children will ask and what they are told about their father and the sort of relationship which they have with their paternal grandparents and potentially- he will not be in prison for ever- with him. I have a cousin in this situation and she has found it far less clear cut than she would have imagined at the outset. It is far easier to eliminate a partner from one's life than it is a parent or child. Her child's father and his parents see the child occasionally under official supervision.

Without jumping to any conclusions about the future for your family, I think that the fact that all of this will come up in the future (and what a bastard to put you all in this situation) means that, in your shoes, money or no money, I would go once, for an hour, to hear what he has to say. This would not be for him but so that you can have the fullest possible picture to discuss in due course (not for many years I suspect) with your children. They will want to understand. If you visit, moreover, it will be much harder for your in-laws ever to criticise you to your children. You already have the moral high ground: make it unassailable

I think, therefore, that I would go, regardless of the money, accompanied and with time and space to recover before you go home. If the money does materialise, in your shoes, I would accept it; and with a clean conscience. As others have said, it is clean money, not earned from any immoral activity. It is not "buying" anything from you. When a victim of anything- and you and your children are victims here- is paid damages or compensation, that does not buy forgiveness or acceptance or pretend that money can heal what has been done. It is just a practical recompense for financial loss caused. He has caused you and your children to lose your financial stability and his inheritance being made over to you and your children would assist in recovering that stability.

One thing to take from this thread is that you are not alone, that the world does not implicate or blame you; and that if you find support and friendship here you will also find it in real life.

So bloody sorry that you are even having to consider this op, your life has been turned upside down.

I have a a couple of questions which of course you don't have to answer- is his crime public knowledge locally? I.e. Do his parents friends etc know?
How long is he likely to be locked up for and have you had access to his accounts since he was found out?

I'm trying to put myself in this situation and I am struggling. What I would say is that your children should not suffer because of the actions of their dirty bastard father. Assuming you had a decent quality of life before this? He is the lowest of the low and has let everyone down and whilst money will not heal the hurt, it will minimise further disruption to you and your dc.

What worries me is how the money will be distributed. Is it a lump sum? Weekly? Etc.
I would be worried about it coming with strings and that you are then "owned" by them.

Whatever you decide, you are a strong and amazing woman. Your children are so lucky to have you. Money will make life a lot easier for sure but is not guaranteed to materialise. What they do have in abundance is stability and love from you.

There is definitely no right or wrong answer here but what is definite is that you are a fantastic mother who has been let down so badly herself and is trying to minimise the damage to her children.
I wish you all well in your counselling, hope he rots in hell and you have lots of luck going forward xx

They're hoping that this meeting will mean you can brush all this away.

It's exceptionally cruel to dangle this offer and from your update they say that it will give the kids a couple of weeks worth of food?

No no no no. This is all wrong- trust your gut here. They'll never leave you alone if you do this.

I'd use some of the excellent responses about to send to them to say how they'd rather see you all homeless than support you. I'd also be telling their pastor/whoever.

Don't do it op. Get SS involved too and tell them what's going on, it will help prevent future access with the GPs to the kids as this shows they aren't acting in the kids best interests.

I'm so sorry.

Is it as clear as they'll give you the money as in transfer the sum to your account? If so take the money. I have a horrible feeling they won't transfer it anyway and see using it as a lever to get you to see him. Also if you take the money you could end up feeling forever in their debt and beholden to them.

Only see him if you want to...and discuss with counsellor first before making a decision.

Divorce will inevitably follow, I'm not sure how that will affect your assets so that's worth getting advice about.

I am so very sorry for you.

If it was me, I'd take the money. I'd love to think I'd be so principled as to say no, but the reality of needing food on the table for my kids would make it a yes.

I'm sure there will be all kinds of "strings" attached, however as you say this money will allow you to make a fresh start somewhere else - there is nothing to stop you moving away and blocking this man's parents from contacting you, so there is little they could do to manipulate you, surely? The PP who suggested them lodging the money with your lawyer is spot on. That way there can be no wriggling out of paying you on a perceived (on their part) "technicality".

OP I just wanted to add that although I couldn't possibly understand what you're going through, I really do sympathise. You're living what would be many people's worst nightmares and the fact that you're still putting your kids first speaks volumes. They are lucky to have you.

I'm so sorry you and your children are going through this.
If this money would give me a new start, bills sorted and somewhere to live then yes I'd do it.
BUT I'd need some legal document drawn up, I've no idea if it's a thing where a solicitor could hold the money until you'd gone through with it.
I'd also need it to be a full and final payment so I'd need no more contact with them.
I'd move and change names and numbers too.
Good luck with what you decide and I hope it brings you some level of peace.

I'm sorry - how horrible for you. Have you asked them if they would agree to a phone call rather than a private visit? You have to do what you think is right - but if you take the money I think you need to be kinder to yourself about it. If it was his inheritance - ultimately it was partly your's as his wife and definitely his children's. He has severely affected your lives - I would look at it as just compensation rather than 'dirty money'.

I thoroughly second @Limpshade’s last paragraph above OP.

It’s an awful ‘choice’ the PIL’s have presented to you and tbh if it was me I would not be rushed into anything. As pp’s have said, definitely get some legal advice. It feels like if you accept their offer now, they will then forever have the upper hand.

If they truly want to remaIn in their grandchildren’s lives then further down the line there may be offers of financial assistance without any strings attached.

Thoughts are very much with you and your DC.

My dear, my heart goes out to you. This is a truly awful thing to happen and every level of distress and anger and disgust you feel is justified.

I just wanted to say that I hope you never, ever stop to feel any guilt or remorse. Nothing here is your fault. There is nothing you could or should have done. You are very brave and very strong and deserve none of this ordeal. None.

A close relative of mine discovered that her partner had done prison time for child rape. She did as you have done, and cut all ties immediately. It was deeply traumatic, but the thing I'd like you to know is that, as awful as it was, she has found a level of peace and contentment. There will be life and happiness going forward - the shadow will always be there, but one day you will find peace.

I am sorry your friends ghosted you - they are probably afraid for their own children. It makes no sense, but it doesn't reflect on you.

Whether you take the money or not, whatever you do is a good decision. If you can actually get the money out of the parents then it might be useful to enable you to leave quickly and establish yourself and your children somewhere else. A legal agreement and escrow account is a really good idea, if they agree. I suspect your husband and his family are hoping to change your mind - so if they don't agree you'll know it was only a ploy. If you decide you don't want the money because of having to confront him again, that's a good decision too.

i don't know if it would be possible to include a possible inheritance in your divorce settlement?

You have been so courageous and deyermined, I know that you will forge a good, new life for yourself and your children.

I don't think you're going to get the money. Even if he wouldn't need it in prison he will probably need it for legal fees and his parents have already chosen a side and it's not you. If you do get anything I think that they'll have you "on the hook" for eternity.
If however you had a water tight avenue to get your hands on the $ no one would judge you for going. You should be very careful though that a visit with the DC will not influence any contact visit requests.

Take the money for your kids. So you can provide for them. It’s not dirty money in that your in laws haven’t committed any crime. Bribing you to see him is strange but I suspect they are desperate. They clearly value you and the kids as family members but don’t fully understand the seriousness of his crimes. I would go and listen. You don’t have to say anything. Clearly there is no way he could justify his behaviour. See the hour as a doorway to your children’s security. You have been very strong for them. If you choose to meet, you will find the strength.

You are probably In Your darkest moment right now but it won’t always be like this. Start thinking about the future. What do you want for your kids?

((((HUG)))). You poor thing, what a dreadful thing to find out about your husband & children’s father.

I’m relieved to hear that your DC aren’t showing any signs of abuse and they have an ‘interesting babysitter’.

I’m glad you have a therapist too, I hope she’s a bloody good one.

I’m very, very, sorry to hear about your friends. I understand they’ve been floored by the news and might be worried for their own children, but it’s NOT you that has done anything wrong & they’re dreadful to have abandoned you when you need them most. I definitely wouldn’t have, so please don’t feel that’s normal/understandable, because it’s not. Let other people in, you’ll be surprised who turns out to be a good friend in times of need

The money. If it was cold, hard cash, enough to significantly change my & my DC’s lives I’d meet with him in a heartbeat. It’s an hour of listening to his bullshit, you’ve spent years listening to it, what’s one more? It’s not as if he will change your mind about accepting what he did, no matter how he tries minimise it or blame his childhood 🙄

The thing that concerns me here, is that it isn’t cold hard cash, it’s the promise of their sons share of an inheritance. I don’t think there’s anyway at all you can ringfence that, unless they can sell enough assets now, before you visit him, & they put that money into a Solicitors trust with signed agreements stipulating what’s required before it’s transferred to you. If they can do that, then go ahead.

But not for grocery money etc for a couple of weeks. The fact they’re not giving you that already, when they can and you need it, is disgusting. They would not be seeing my children ever again.

It’s not ‘dirty’ money. You’re not selling your soul. You’re simply spending an hour listening to his bullshit then walking away. It would become ‘dirty money’ if they were asking you to lie to help him reduce the charges or whatever. It wouldn’t be ‘dirty money’ if it involved seeing the children (them or him) either, but I wouldn’t do that, they could shove their money.

...but just to listen to him whitter on for an hour, I could do that for a better future for myself and my children, without any shame or hesitation.

You say your feelings about him changed immediately he confessed and you feel your whole time together has been a lie, don’t be surprised if you start to feel differently once the shock has worn off a bit. It’s normal to feel like he’s two different people and to live and grieve for the good times/parts of him/the man you thought he was/the future you thought you would have. It’s normal and it’s ok. It’s not condoning his behaviour at all.

You aren’t alone, I know we aren’t there in person (unfortunately), but there’s a huge nest of vipers here, day & night, thinking of you and supporting you x

I haven't read all the thread but I just wanted to send you a big online hug and
What an incredibly strong woman you are, I admire how you are keeping it all together for your children. What a horrendous, nasty shock this must have been for you. I haven't got any advice, as I honestly don't know what to suggest but if you do meet him, make sure it is genuine about giving you the money and not a trick, maybe involve a solicitor or have the money transferred on arrival. If you do decide to go, you could spend the hour getting your anger out, calling him every name you feel and making it clear he's never to try and contact yourself or your children again, It may give you closure on that part of your life and help you move on, have you spoken to your therapist about it?
Not exactly the same but an old friend of mine, she was married with two children. She found out her husband had been a man involved in conning elderly people in the area, it turned her life upside down.....
She divorced, had counselling and is now happily married again. Wishing you and your children all the very best xx