AIBU to take his family's dirty money? **Sensitive thread about child abuse - title edited by MNHQ**

[devastatedanon]

NC for reasons that will become very obvious. Identifying details removed. There are things I have had to leave out so please forgive me for not filling in some of the blanks.

I have been married for 11 years. Two kids and I'm six months pregnant with our much wanted third baby. Good job, nice house, adoring man.

It was all a lie. You are the first people I've told and even writing this out anonymously makes me want to vomit.

Three months ago the man I married (I can't call him DH or even husband) was arrested for viewing and storing child abuse images. We aren't talking about a few questionable pictures, ones he could argue he thought they were of age. Babies. Toddlers. Thousands of pictures and film clips. After the usual pathetic attempts at lying, he confessed and I've been told that due to the severity and amount, he is going away for a very long time.

Good.

As soon as he confessed, every feeling, every good memory I had of us as a family died. He became less than nothing to me. (I am seeing a therapist by the way, so are the kids, she is helping me cope with this boiling, violent rage I feel every time I think of his face)

I never want to see him again. Ever. He has been contacting me to beg for an hour of my time to "explain". As if there is anything he could say to explain away this horror, to minimise the fact he was an active participant in destroying the lives of those poor children. As if there is anything he could say to soften the fact he has destroyed my life, our babies lives.

He says he just wants an hour and then I can walk away but I "owe him this small thing".

I hope everyone will agree I ANBU when I say I can't/won't see him. I can't guarantee what I'd do. I can't and I won't and the idea I owe him ANYTHING is disgusting and repulsive.

Here's the AIBU. I dont have much family and nobody local, so his family have always been a big part of our lives. His parents are religious and have decided to love the sinner, hate the sin.

(I can't express how that makes me feel. I don't have the words for my anger and disgust)

They agree I owe him an hour and are haranguing me about it. You can imagine their arguments - it was "only" pictures, I need closure, we need to agree what to tell the children, I am being hormonal, I am selfish etc etc...

For the record, there stopped being a "we" the very second he admitted to his crimes. That's my closure and I will tell my children what I want (no idea what yet, one for the therapist to help me with).

I want to cut them out too. They disgust me now. I can't bear the idea of people who support that man being around my little ones. But... I lost my job and the house will go back to the bank soon. They have said they will give me the money he was due to inherit if I meet him. He won't need it where he is going. I need to feed my kids and more than ever, I need to keep them safe.

Part of me thinks the right thing to do for my kids would be to see him, get through an hour and take their money. Isn't that what a good mother would do? Grit my teeth and bear it for the chance to provide for my children? Is it selfish to refuse, when I know the impact it will have on my kids? It's dirty money but dirty money buys food and clothes just as good as clean money and I would rather die than ever let the kids know how I got it.

I don't know what to do. If I do it, I can provide for my babies who are so innocent and don't deserve any more pain.

Also, if I don't do it, the kids won't see their grandparents or extended family again. Right now I don't want them to be near those people but it should be MY CHOICE. Not another punishment for the kids.

I don't know what to do. I'm crying again but I cry all the time now. I can't talk to anyone about this in RL and my best friends have ghosted me since the news came out. I'm alone and scared of making the wrong choice.

I was going to ask, what should I do but I think we are past moral judgements. So my question is, what would you do? What price would you pay? I don't even care about my own mental health at this stage, that ship has sailed but it's like I physically cannot be in a room with him.

Thanks for reading, I'll answer any questions I can but if I can't, I'll say so and I hope you understand why.

All the best, OP. You are amazing, and I really hope that the bank transfer goes through and you can move ahead with your plans.

What a woman!

Deepest respect to you.

Take he money OP. Then move away and start a new life with your babies, somewhere where you never need to think of him again.

Maybe use the 1 hour time slot to get some of your verbal rage out on him . It might help you with a bit of closure so you can move on

Everything crossed for you xxx

Holy Crap, OP! I am so proud of you! I am picturing your kids playing on a grassy hill overlooking the sea while you (with you your tightly pregnant basketball of a belly) stand watch protectively while wearing your superhero suit, arms akimbo, with your cape flapping in the breeze. You’ve got this, kid, and your Mumsnet fangirls are cheering you on!!!

Good job, OP. Much better to do it yourself.

You know deep down that the money is just a trap. There's no way they're going to give you a huge lump sum and let you run off with their grandchildren. Their son could be out of prison in a couple of years for good behaviour. And he'll struggle to get a decent job with his record, so they'll want that cash to support him.

Use the phone call to tell him to stay the fuck away from you all forever, and get on with your life without him.

Well done OP! You're an amazing strong woman and an awesome mother 😊

Use the call to tell him that your solicitor will be in touch to get him to sign over his rights to parental responsibility - then get it drawn up. Along with an injunction / non molestation order to stay away from you and the children.

Good luck for your future🤞🏻, you and your family deserve a life of happiness and peace.

you are beyond amazing. I hope it feels a bit better for you to have made some plans. Good luck

Well done OP! You're an amazing strong woman and an awesome mother

Hugs to you.
My suggestion : turn it back on him. Tell him (in a letter/ text) that if he really wants to see you that he needs to show proper remorse and respect for you and the kids first. And that he must tell his parents to hand over the cash, ensure your and kids security and then you'll see him. Tell him HE owes you that and that it's the only way you'd consider seeing him.

Take the cash, move and never see him or his lousy parents ever again. Let him stew in his frustration. Bastard deserves it.

My therapist used to telll me to go to my car (preferably somewhere away from people) and scream and shout to let my anger out. The therapy will help a lot. Keep working at it.

But ultimately love for your kids will carry you through. Your amazing kids being all snuggly and funny and irritating and bombing noisily around. They will be your saviours, and you theirs. X

Amazing woman, your kids will be so proud of you when they're older. 💐

You are a superstar! This is absolutely the right thing to do and you will set a bloody brilliant example for your children. They are so lucky that they have you as their mum.

A brilliant plan. By doing this you pivot away from the source of the pain to a whole new life. Could you use the energy and clarity you now have to go to social services and find out exactly what help you are due? there may be more support out there than you fear and i know other MNers have amazing expertise on this.

Another one saying well done and all the very best for a happy future.

Well done OP, that must have been awfully difficult but I applaud you. Getting your head together enough to work our what you NEED.

I hope it all goes well, obviously it's only the start of things but you've done amazing don't forget that.

Will they be in the room when you take the call? (If you do). I would be tempted to put it on mute randomly chat away to myself. Oh, he didn't hear anything? Well what a shame, oh well, you did what you said you would, not your fault there was a bad line, you thought he was just listening to you...

Hope you're okay, OP - any sign of the bank transfer?

Hope the transfer has gone through OP.

I'm so glad to hear a positive sounding update from you. Your strength is awe inspiring.

OP, I missed when the post was first posted but I've read the updates

You are an amazing human and amazing mother, your actions are beyond brave and your recent update reduced me to tears.

You have shown that you're strong beyond words and I have everything crossed that the transfer happens quickly. There are so many words to describe you but mainly - fucking awesome sums it up

Your children are lucky to have you 💟💟

Excellent update op. Hope transfer has gone through

Hope all went well zOP

When your kids are old enough to know what you have done for them they are going to be so proud of you. They will really love you for how you are handing this horrible situation.

I think you are amazing. Keep in mind they do too.

Sorry for the late update, must be a full moon because the kids have been... challenging today. It's so hard to continue parenting as normal and not wrap them in cotton wool and let them get away with everything.

So, in a genuine shocking turn of events - they transferred the money. It was there when I woke up and five minutes later it was transferred into my private account (not sure what difference that makes but psychologically it was important).

Understatement of the year - I could not believe my eyes. I spoke to my solicitor friend and double checked everything before texting to arrange a time to go to their house. Minus DC, to their confusion (REALLY??).

(For anyone who doesn't know, the call had to come to a previously agreed/checked number and no way was I giving any of them my new number)

Then it was two hours of the most awkward hanging around. Okay, sure, I guess he can't schedule in calls but I was climbing the walls. I set out my conditions and made them aware that if he was abusive I would end the call.

Then he called. If I had any doubt of who he was, that call confirmed it. I won't write out what he said because he isn't worth the energy and I don't want to upset anyone. You can imagine, completely cliche excuses and outright lies that he couldn't keep straight for one phone call. But! He didn't know anything about his parents offering money (apparently). I tend to believe that as he was "sad" I wasn't calling to "check on him". The level of self delusion is frankly a little scary.

I actually said very little, but what I said was important.

• divorce proceedings are underway
• I will never, ever forgive him, ever
• I will not be supporting him financially, emotionally or legally
• this is the last conversation we will have that isn't via lawyers

I didn't even call him names or scream because I wanted to leave with dignity and let's face it, he doesn't care. He knows what he is.

Guess how many time he asked after the kids? ZERO. NOT ONCE. Not even an acknowledgement of the bump either apart from "I'm sorry if this has caused you stress" (ARE YOU JOKING??!). I assumed he would mention them and was dreading it but it's like he forgot how to wear his Nice Daddy mask. All me me me.

I only lost control once, when I had to say, are you sorry? I don't know why I asked, it was such an open door for him but he paused and I knew he wasn't. So I hung up. Maybe a tiny little part of me wanted to hear he was sorry. But now I know.

I don't remember leaving. I walked home, crying but also with a deep feeling of relief. It's done. Maybe his parents were right, I did need closure. My marriage is over. And that's okay.

I am viewing new flats tomorrow. Not the nicest or the biggest but the little ones don't mind. Long road ahead for us all and there is awful stuff to come, but I did what I thought was best and I don't feel bad about it in any way.

Thank you all so much for your advice, good thoughts, flowers and kindness. I feel like I've dodged a bullet, I nearly made a terrible decision (take nothing or try to get everything). You'll never know what it means to me.

xxx

Argh! Again! Interesting fact which may or not be related to this thread but did you know it's not illegal to record a phone conversation unless you plan to make it public without consent?

And did you know that even rubbishy old Androids can pick up a lot, even if they're tucked up your sleeve? How interesting.

innocent face

You deserve a medal for getting through that.

What did his parents say?