AIBU to take his family's dirty money? **Sensitive thread about child abuse - title edited by MNHQ**

[devastatedanon]

NC for reasons that will become very obvious. Identifying details removed. There are things I have had to leave out so please forgive me for not filling in some of the blanks.

I have been married for 11 years. Two kids and I'm six months pregnant with our much wanted third baby. Good job, nice house, adoring man.

It was all a lie. You are the first people I've told and even writing this out anonymously makes me want to vomit.

Three months ago the man I married (I can't call him DH or even husband) was arrested for viewing and storing child abuse images. We aren't talking about a few questionable pictures, ones he could argue he thought they were of age. Babies. Toddlers. Thousands of pictures and film clips. After the usual pathetic attempts at lying, he confessed and I've been told that due to the severity and amount, he is going away for a very long time.

Good.

As soon as he confessed, every feeling, every good memory I had of us as a family died. He became less than nothing to me. (I am seeing a therapist by the way, so are the kids, she is helping me cope with this boiling, violent rage I feel every time I think of his face)

I never want to see him again. Ever. He has been contacting me to beg for an hour of my time to "explain". As if there is anything he could say to explain away this horror, to minimise the fact he was an active participant in destroying the lives of those poor children. As if there is anything he could say to soften the fact he has destroyed my life, our babies lives.

He says he just wants an hour and then I can walk away but I "owe him this small thing".

I hope everyone will agree I ANBU when I say I can't/won't see him. I can't guarantee what I'd do. I can't and I won't and the idea I owe him ANYTHING is disgusting and repulsive.

Here's the AIBU. I dont have much family and nobody local, so his family have always been a big part of our lives. His parents are religious and have decided to love the sinner, hate the sin.

(I can't express how that makes me feel. I don't have the words for my anger and disgust)

They agree I owe him an hour and are haranguing me about it. You can imagine their arguments - it was "only" pictures, I need closure, we need to agree what to tell the children, I am being hormonal, I am selfish etc etc...

For the record, there stopped being a "we" the very second he admitted to his crimes. That's my closure and I will tell my children what I want (no idea what yet, one for the therapist to help me with).

I want to cut them out too. They disgust me now. I can't bear the idea of people who support that man being around my little ones. But... I lost my job and the house will go back to the bank soon. They have said they will give me the money he was due to inherit if I meet him. He won't need it where he is going. I need to feed my kids and more than ever, I need to keep them safe.

Part of me thinks the right thing to do for my kids would be to see him, get through an hour and take their money. Isn't that what a good mother would do? Grit my teeth and bear it for the chance to provide for my children? Is it selfish to refuse, when I know the impact it will have on my kids? It's dirty money but dirty money buys food and clothes just as good as clean money and I would rather die than ever let the kids know how I got it.

I don't know what to do. If I do it, I can provide for my babies who are so innocent and don't deserve any more pain.

Also, if I don't do it, the kids won't see their grandparents or extended family again. Right now I don't want them to be near those people but it should be MY CHOICE. Not another punishment for the kids.

I don't know what to do. I'm crying again but I cry all the time now. I can't talk to anyone about this in RL and my best friends have ghosted me since the news came out. I'm alone and scared of making the wrong choice.

I was going to ask, what should I do but I think we are past moral judgements. So my question is, what would you do? What price would you pay? I don't even care about my own mental health at this stage, that ship has sailed but it's like I physically cannot be in a room with him.

Thanks for reading, I'll answer any questions I can but if I can't, I'll say so and I hope you understand why.

That sounds like a really good plan and I'm glad you've decided to distance yourself. Please know that you owe nobody anything, not even a charity. It's good to help, but not out of any sense of obligation. I hope you and the children do well in your new life.

OP you are brilliant x

As usual, I forgot to say something - I've spoken to a solicitor friend (not the one handling the divorce) because I was really worried I was somehow doing something illegal. Profiting from a crime? She confirmed that as the money doesnt come from the proceeds of crime that was fine, I just have to check if I have to pay tax or not - call with tax specialist tomorrow. Hopefully it's exempt but if not, that's fine, I won't do anything dodgy.

Anon

You are a star. Your children are so lucky to have you - you have put their interests first all of the way through.

You won't regret your decision to remain independent.

OP you are so brave. I am SO sorry this has happened to you. Hopefully you and the DC can get on with making the most of a new start soon

OP I’m in awe of how strong you’re being, you’re a total

I’m so impressed Anon. I hope tomorrow goes as well as it can; I shall be thinking of you and sending positive thoughts. Continue to hold your head high and power through.💐

Thank god for that - I was genuinely worried you'd somehow be talked into meeting him (and goodness knows what else to follow), so brilliantly well done

If I'm right in thinking you won't be speaking to him unless the money's been transferred (?) you're probably pretty safe. All the same, I'll be surprised if they pay it as I struggle to see what the advantage to them would be of a mere phone call

Might just be a stranger online but can I just say I am bloody proud of you @devastatedanon!!! I think you are handling this brilliantly and I am really pleased you're not seeing him. You don't need that stress! Am single mum and have to watch our money but it is all doable, and you sound incredibly resourceful and clear headed so know you will be ok in the end, whether the money materialises or not. Hugs and loadsa luck to you and your DC xx

You're completely, totally fantastic, OP. I'm in awe of you.

(And perhaps, next time, buy your kid that ice cream )

Anon your plan is brilliant. You sound so strong today (a new woman indeed!) and I have complete faith that you will make this all work. Your kids are very lucky to have you as a mum. Your resourceful and clear thinking will get you through this. I'm proud of you and I don't even know you

Anon

Whatever you choose to do, you are a good mother.

Can I just draw attention to Incy's post at 01.48am? A really good point, I thought.

Good plan.

You've handled this so well OP. So glad you are getting legal advice and best wishes to your family.

You are bloody brilliant!! That's a great plan!

Just a thought - is it worth checking with the bank that the transfer can't be reversed?

Well done, I think that sounds brilliant.
Good luck.

Wow Anon, you are handling this so well. Your children have an incredible mother. Sending you love and strength.

Great plan, keep strong when dealing with them and look after yourself

I actually welled up a little when I read your update. You are so strong! You are bloody amazing OP

OP I think you have made an excellent decision. I would have done the same to make sure my children were taken care of and not have to suffer for the sake of that man.
You are a very brave woman and your children will be proud of you when you do eventually decide to tell them what happened.
They should have offered you the money without any conditions attached.

OP - you are amazing.

OP you are amazing.

Bloody well done x

"I told them I wasn't going to see him, ever. I have a feeling that they were going to use my visit somehow in his defense, maybe that's paranoid."

No, not paranoid. The wife standing by you/even visiting you looks good in court - supports "previously good character" that often works well too. It shouldn't (surely previously good character is lost as soon as these crimes are committed??) but there you go.

I wish you good luck OP.

ps. Get your solicitor to draw up a child arrangements order specifying no contact with the kids - get it in place while he's still begging you to talk to him/trying to get you back/in prison.

Good decision op

If the phone call does take place (big if - they sound very manipulative), put the phone on that "conference setting or whatever it is so that it isn't so intimate (and all thew world can hear), pick up your book or your knitting, and let him excuse away as much as he likes. You have agreed to listen to him, not to engage with him.

The moment the 10 minutes (or whatever) is up, cut the call off.

The only people you owe anything to are your lovely children - the loss of their father will hit them, and they are too young to be told the truth. Keep them away from their poisonous grandparents.