AIBU to take his family's dirty money? **Sensitive thread about child abuse - title edited by MNHQ**

[devastatedanon]

NC for reasons that will become very obvious. Identifying details removed. There are things I have had to leave out so please forgive me for not filling in some of the blanks.

I have been married for 11 years. Two kids and I'm six months pregnant with our much wanted third baby. Good job, nice house, adoring man.

It was all a lie. You are the first people I've told and even writing this out anonymously makes me want to vomit.

Three months ago the man I married (I can't call him DH or even husband) was arrested for viewing and storing child abuse images. We aren't talking about a few questionable pictures, ones he could argue he thought they were of age. Babies. Toddlers. Thousands of pictures and film clips. After the usual pathetic attempts at lying, he confessed and I've been told that due to the severity and amount, he is going away for a very long time.

Good.

As soon as he confessed, every feeling, every good memory I had of us as a family died. He became less than nothing to me. (I am seeing a therapist by the way, so are the kids, she is helping me cope with this boiling, violent rage I feel every time I think of his face)

I never want to see him again. Ever. He has been contacting me to beg for an hour of my time to "explain". As if there is anything he could say to explain away this horror, to minimise the fact he was an active participant in destroying the lives of those poor children. As if there is anything he could say to soften the fact he has destroyed my life, our babies lives.

He says he just wants an hour and then I can walk away but I "owe him this small thing".

I hope everyone will agree I ANBU when I say I can't/won't see him. I can't guarantee what I'd do. I can't and I won't and the idea I owe him ANYTHING is disgusting and repulsive.

Here's the AIBU. I dont have much family and nobody local, so his family have always been a big part of our lives. His parents are religious and have decided to love the sinner, hate the sin.

(I can't express how that makes me feel. I don't have the words for my anger and disgust)

They agree I owe him an hour and are haranguing me about it. You can imagine their arguments - it was "only" pictures, I need closure, we need to agree what to tell the children, I am being hormonal, I am selfish etc etc...

For the record, there stopped being a "we" the very second he admitted to his crimes. That's my closure and I will tell my children what I want (no idea what yet, one for the therapist to help me with).

I want to cut them out too. They disgust me now. I can't bear the idea of people who support that man being around my little ones. But... I lost my job and the house will go back to the bank soon. They have said they will give me the money he was due to inherit if I meet him. He won't need it where he is going. I need to feed my kids and more than ever, I need to keep them safe.

Part of me thinks the right thing to do for my kids would be to see him, get through an hour and take their money. Isn't that what a good mother would do? Grit my teeth and bear it for the chance to provide for my children? Is it selfish to refuse, when I know the impact it will have on my kids? It's dirty money but dirty money buys food and clothes just as good as clean money and I would rather die than ever let the kids know how I got it.

I don't know what to do. If I do it, I can provide for my babies who are so innocent and don't deserve any more pain.

Also, if I don't do it, the kids won't see their grandparents or extended family again. Right now I don't want them to be near those people but it should be MY CHOICE. Not another punishment for the kids.

I don't know what to do. I'm crying again but I cry all the time now. I can't talk to anyone about this in RL and my best friends have ghosted me since the news came out. I'm alone and scared of making the wrong choice.

I was going to ask, what should I do but I think we are past moral judgements. So my question is, what would you do? What price would you pay? I don't even care about my own mental health at this stage, that ship has sailed but it's like I physically cannot be in a room with him.

Thanks for reading, I'll answer any questions I can but if I can't, I'll say so and I hope you understand why.

That sounds much more positive, please look after yourself you’ll need your strength for the next couple of weeks whatever you decide.

Great to here you have a plan, OP.

Really pleased to hear you sounding positive about the future. Best of luck

Glad to hear you have a plan. I hope it all works out for you.

Things always look more manageable with a plan.

@devastatedanon good to hear you feel more in control and glad you have had some time to process things over the weekend. Being by the sea always helps me with big decisions! Keep putting yourself and your children first and make keeping you all safe as your priority, and you won't go far wrong! Good luck

I don’t even need to know what the plan is... I’m just so thrilled to hear you sounding so much stronger, OP! Please know that the whole world doesn’t blame you for his actions. Nor do we think you “must have known” what he was up to, etc. You have behaved impeccably and we all think you are a mother who is trying to do what is best to protect the children she obviously adores. We are very proud of you. Please hold your head high, OP! X

OP, I have had nothing to add to this thread that would be helpful beyond what has already been posted, but I just want to say that you sound absolutely brilliant. I hope you will have confidence in walking away from this man knowing you have done the right thing in every way for your children - it's obvious how much you love them.

Oh I am so pleased to hear that you have a plan! You seem much more positive.

I'd just like to echo the above poster who said that nobody sees this as being in any way your fault / must have known / etc.

You and your children are innocent in all of this.

I hope that you are able to move forwards and have very happy lives.

I cant add anymore to what has already just recently been said. Am so glad that you have a plan. Truly wish all the best which you, your children also your baby on the way, so rightly deserve.

I think whoever said of think of it as the best paid horrible 'work' you've ever had to do is kind of right.

I strongly (still) believe if the money is there and you can get at it without jumping through more than one hoop (apart from the horrid hour meeting,) you must take it...

It gives you some freedom....

To all those saying re 30 pieces of silver.... Wrong metaphor... This isn't being treacherous.... Merely having the money early that would have come into the coffers had her husband not been a paedophile.

You can't eat and heat the house and clothe children on high handed 'principle'...
Envisage a scene where you're having to work and take anything you can in order to keep body and soul together... And another where you have your own house and CHOICE....

Also don't underestimate how difficult it will be physically and emotionally to move away under the radar.... Even people without your grim experience find it very very difficult...

It will free you up not to have to work loads and spend time with your poor young kids....it gives you and your kids SECURITY

They won't care where the money comes from

Good luck, OP.

PS good luck whatever you decide.... Your kids are so lucky to have you as a mum

Sending you luck OP.

Have been reading most of the thread and I am hoping the OP has been able to talk to a solicitor. I have a really nasty feeling that if she offers to speak to the offender once, but only if the money is available immediately in escrow, that will not be what they had in mind.

Re the changing names, moving away, and becoming non-contactable. I don't know how this works with jobs, CVs etc. for you but do check with the solicitor about whether he will retain PR (and if he would, how to get that taken away) for name changes.
On a practical level with the children, if your older one is old enough to remember you may need to watch carefully what they post online in future years. This happens with adopted children who are at risk from birth family - their curiosity overtakes them and they post things like "my name is Johnny but I was born Jamie and my sister was born Cathy and we are looking for our birth family". They may also even when younger and not able to access social media, tell friends "I've got a secret, I used to be called Jamie and my sister used to be called Cathy".

You may also find advice on telling adopted children their life story to be helpful in the future when they have questions. There are two things that adopted children usually have (which can be good or bad!), a life story book which tells in younger-child terms the reasons they couldn't live with their birth parents, and a later life letter which is usually kept till later teen years which gives all the details in adult terms. It's usually considered best to give all the details in an age appropriate way before they hit their teens (though not in an adult way till they are quite a bit older). Teenagers have a way of not believing their parents so telling them when younger is usually better.

Big huge hugs OP. It's easy to say take the money and run but it's your choice, and they may feel they then have a right to be in you & your children's life down the road because of the money. Lots of love to you all.

Oh and another thing to maybe ask the solicitor - if the children's father inherited and then cut the children out of his will (in other words if you don't take the money now), could this be contested?
It's unlikely that the GPs would keep the money for him till they died and then till he died without him spending it all but it might not hurt to ask.

So good to know you've got legal advice in place, OP; when dealing with such a family I'd say that's essential

Also good to hear a plan's starting to come together, and that you're prioritising getting away from these people asap. It won't be easy, but hopefully you can move onto a much better future without this filth in your life

I don't really have anything constructive to add, I'm really pleased for you that you have a plan and if I've understood it correctly it involves having taken legal advice. If you were to go for the money I'd demand a LOT and for it to be in an envelope at the solicitor's office, with a signed contract that is watertight, and absolutely only conditional on your one hour, under your terms - perhaps take your therapist, be the other side of a screen from him, I don't know what else but whatever makes it feel most safe to you.

That hour of your time is the most valuable bargaining chip. Don't you dare let them under pay you for it and don't be rushed. YOU are in the position of power here.

Best of luck, you are strong and you've totally got this. 💪

Oh dear god! ((hugs OP))

In your shoes i would walk away, inasmuch as i could, from the entire bunch of arseholes.

(((More hugs))) a hand-hold from me

Best of luck with the plan OP🍀

@op. i am so relieved to read you have a plan. ...to be honest-even being capable of knowing you could do with one-is a sign of your strength.It would be ,given all thats gone on ,to be lost in the depths at moment. i amnt comfortable enough on here to share private details of my life.,nor presume to know where youre at..circumstances were very different-but one untold truth/amounted to life of lies -resulting in a split second explosion which destroyed all my reality,nobody was who i thought they were and everything i knew-didnt actually exist. its a darkness that was a living hell...,that can be tempory or damage limited from this point on tho. You must be kind to yourself. you have been thrown into this. i honestly think womens aid could do you so much good at this time.email is my prefered intro because am a phone avoider...also..it is easier ish to write than speak at times...they have invaluable knowledge-re-what help to offer and fastrack route to getting it.please consider that as an option.? thoughts are with you.kindest regards..

I would take their money in a heartbeat. I would also keep saying to his parents that "just looking" is as bad as participating. The scum who make the images do so to satisfy the appetites of those who want to "just look".

I feel for you op, I really do.

I'd take their tainted money and use that hour to give the pervert an hour of unrelenting disgust and abuse.

HE WOULD SO REGRET EVER BEING BORN.

Hi everyone, just wanted to give a quick update while I have a free minute. While I was walking on the seafront one of the kids said, "I need an ice cream Mummy" and, as happens eventually, I found myself replying like my Mam did - you want an ice-cream, you don't need it. Why, I don't know, I hated that when I was little.

And that silly little thing made me realise something.

I want this to all go away
I want to run away into the sunset and never look back
(This is hard for me to admit) I want enough money to somehow make it up to the little ones for losing their dad.

None of this is possible. I need to think of what I/we need. So I wrote it all out. Moving expenses, therapist bills, solicitors fees etc etc. Then I looked around for what I didn't need and realised that selling my engagement ring and wedding ring was an obvious thing I didn't need. I'd put them in a jewelry box - why? After that it was easy to see everything around me I didn't need anymore, including living in a naice house with a naice garden. I can rent a small flat in a nearby town for much less money.

The money I need is much smaller than I thought. So I met with his parents and it was WEIRD. They were confused as to why I hadn't brought the little ones. Uh... okay. I also realised I'd been swallowing all my emotions and trying to be the good girl I've always pretended to be with them. Well, their approval isn't anything I need.

I told them I wasn't going to see him, ever. I have a feeling that they were going to use my visit somehow in his defense, maybe that's paranoid. But I can't sit in a room with him without bad things happening, so, no.

I told them that I was willing to take a call from him if they were to cover these expenses. No softening, no please, just - that's the deal. Gave them the bank details of my housekeeping account and left them to it. It's not so much that it would be unrealistic to expect a transfer asap (they're well off) where as the original inheritance payment could be tied up in god knows what.

If the money arrives and I can transfer it to my new account by lunchtime tomorrow, I'll take a call from him at their house. I won't give them the new number I'm setting up. If it doesn't, I will know I was right not to trust them and I'll make it work somehow.

I am not looking forward to this at all, but I feel okay about it. I don't feel dirty or bought. They can afford to cover the expenses I've occured through no fault of my own and I'll owe them nothing.

As soon as I'm back on my feet, I'll be paying the same amount of money to a charity that supports people who have gone through sexual violence. It'll take time but it's the least I can do.

xx