AIBU to take his family's dirty money? **Sensitive thread about child abuse - title edited by MNHQ**

[devastatedanon]

NC for reasons that will become very obvious. Identifying details removed. There are things I have had to leave out so please forgive me for not filling in some of the blanks.

I have been married for 11 years. Two kids and I'm six months pregnant with our much wanted third baby. Good job, nice house, adoring man.

It was all a lie. You are the first people I've told and even writing this out anonymously makes me want to vomit.

Three months ago the man I married (I can't call him DH or even husband) was arrested for viewing and storing child abuse images. We aren't talking about a few questionable pictures, ones he could argue he thought they were of age. Babies. Toddlers. Thousands of pictures and film clips. After the usual pathetic attempts at lying, he confessed and I've been told that due to the severity and amount, he is going away for a very long time.

Good.

As soon as he confessed, every feeling, every good memory I had of us as a family died. He became less than nothing to me. (I am seeing a therapist by the way, so are the kids, she is helping me cope with this boiling, violent rage I feel every time I think of his face)

I never want to see him again. Ever. He has been contacting me to beg for an hour of my time to "explain". As if there is anything he could say to explain away this horror, to minimise the fact he was an active participant in destroying the lives of those poor children. As if there is anything he could say to soften the fact he has destroyed my life, our babies lives.

He says he just wants an hour and then I can walk away but I "owe him this small thing".

I hope everyone will agree I ANBU when I say I can't/won't see him. I can't guarantee what I'd do. I can't and I won't and the idea I owe him ANYTHING is disgusting and repulsive.

Here's the AIBU. I dont have much family and nobody local, so his family have always been a big part of our lives. His parents are religious and have decided to love the sinner, hate the sin.

(I can't express how that makes me feel. I don't have the words for my anger and disgust)

They agree I owe him an hour and are haranguing me about it. You can imagine their arguments - it was "only" pictures, I need closure, we need to agree what to tell the children, I am being hormonal, I am selfish etc etc...

For the record, there stopped being a "we" the very second he admitted to his crimes. That's my closure and I will tell my children what I want (no idea what yet, one for the therapist to help me with).

I want to cut them out too. They disgust me now. I can't bear the idea of people who support that man being around my little ones. But... I lost my job and the house will go back to the bank soon. They have said they will give me the money he was due to inherit if I meet him. He won't need it where he is going. I need to feed my kids and more than ever, I need to keep them safe.

Part of me thinks the right thing to do for my kids would be to see him, get through an hour and take their money. Isn't that what a good mother would do? Grit my teeth and bear it for the chance to provide for my children? Is it selfish to refuse, when I know the impact it will have on my kids? It's dirty money but dirty money buys food and clothes just as good as clean money and I would rather die than ever let the kids know how I got it.

I don't know what to do. If I do it, I can provide for my babies who are so innocent and don't deserve any more pain.

Also, if I don't do it, the kids won't see their grandparents or extended family again. Right now I don't want them to be near those people but it should be MY CHOICE. Not another punishment for the kids.

I don't know what to do. I'm crying again but I cry all the time now. I can't talk to anyone about this in RL and my best friends have ghosted me since the news came out. I'm alone and scared of making the wrong choice.

I was going to ask, what should I do but I think we are past moral judgements. So my question is, what would you do? What price would you pay? I don't even care about my own mental health at this stage, that ship has sailed but it's like I physically cannot be in a room with him.

Thanks for reading, I'll answer any questions I can but if I can't, I'll say so and I hope you understand why.

How much money are we talking? Yes, I'd do it, if I thought I'd really get the money.

But....wills are a moving feast, and even if they change it tomorrow and show you proof, there is NOTHING to stop them changing it again, at a later date.

As for PP saying "Get the money upfront", as I understand it, this is inheritance, and therefore will only be payable on the in-laws death.

Are there other potential benefactors to the will, who might contest it? In laws may not die for another 20 years, by which time Op has re-married and grandchildren are adults...how likely is it, that Op would ever really get the money?

Horrendous situation. Goodness knows what he thinks he can say in that hour, that will make any difference!

They have said I'll get something for signing the paperwork to see him. Enough for food and the kids psychologist for a couple of weeks

So in effect they are saying their grandchildren can go without food if you don't do what they want.

I would say to them that unless they are prepared to put all of it upfront this is just not going to happen. They could safeguard it by putting it into the hands of someone like a solicitor or a trustee, but it would have to be completely outside their control - otherwise they are going to keep using it to manipulate you.

I would do it, but as pp’s have said, get everything drawn up by a solicitor first. If they refuse this, then you know they had no intention of giving you the money in the first place. Good luck x

Poor you-it's shit position you're in... Shame on your pals.... But it may be just a threat response: thinking their kids had a close call around him. They may come to their senses. Horrid for you though...

ANYTHING you do, please involve a lawyer... Money is to be lodged with lawyer before any meeting plus a signed agreement by them you have the money by midnight on visit day.

Are you sure as can be this money actually exists....?? If it does, its not dirty money just money that would have come to your family later if your extobe wasn't a sex offender.

Do take it.... It will save you and your kids being on your uppers in the future....

How much is it likely to be?? Personally I wouldn't be doing it unless it was substantial... >100k... Enough to make a real difference

I would do it for a BIG lump sum. Not in a will for when they die, or in payments for your kids food etc. One big lump sum, with the condition that none of them ever contact you or the children ever again. Unless the children wish to reach out to them once 18.

All done by a lawyer. No differences to that. That's the only way I'd go and talk to him. So sorry you're going through this.

PS who's told you he's going away for a long time?? Is it someone who is familiar with his case??

I've heard several times of people being prosecuted with non custodial sentences for extreme baby images-- ridiculous punishment.

I've just looked for worst category images the range is 1-5 years.... If he was storing and distribution, up to 10 of he was producing.... But also could be given a community order...

Even if he was given a custodial he could be out at the third way through his sentence..(eg for :good behavior: etc) . He would also likely be given credit for an early guilty plea. Also of its a first offence....

Even in worse case scenario... He may well be out in community after 3 or so years.....

I suspect he won't be in prison anywhere near what you've led to believed.... Sorry..

Any cps lawyers out there can correct....

Importantly for any money, if his parents realise he'll not have a lengthy sentence- their offer to you may well be redirected to their swiftly released /not incarcerated at all son.

Haven't RTFT but:

• You aren't wrong either way
• You owe him nothing. Nothing. Not even the shit off your shoe.
• You could ask GPs to put money in trust for your DC without you meeting him. If they refuse they're selfish fuckers
• If you're talking to him or them don't soften things. Use the phrase "child rape" in pretty much every sentence as in "facilitating child rape" "paying for children to be raped" "financially supporting child rape" That's what he did.

Look after yourself. I am so sorry this has happened to you. Strength xxx

Blackmailing bastards.
As many others have said, only agree if the money is given upfront, in a lump sum, to a solicitors in your name, you arrange this through your own solicitor. All your solicitors fees need to be paid by the grandparents too. You don’t need to even speak or respond to anything your husband says, simply attending the meeting is enough. A solicitor will accompany you to the meeting, agree that it took place, and immediately release the money to you, no further input from the grandparents. Those are your terms, if they don’t want to agree. Move away immediately, live on benefits, forget the bastards. You can do this OP.

Think of it as the best paid hour of your life; but doing the worst job imaginable. Get legal advice about the handover of the money so they don't attach other strings.

My heart breaks for you. It's not easy but it's not dirty money it's just money, it all gets spent the same way.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. You are doing amazing. Keep going to the therapist. X

Op, to stop your vile ex and his parents continuing to harass you is it worth changing your phone number and email? You can then pass the new details to someone prepared to act as an intermediary such as a solicitor who could also deal with the divorce.

In all honesty I would walk away from them all and cut contact. Let them keep their money and you won't have the awful feeling of having to hide that from anyone. I've actually refused point blank to take money from the inlaws for less. If you take it they will continue to hold it over you and god knows what trash they will fill the kids heads with if you allow contact between them.

I would do it. You aren’t being brought, it’s just you making a decision to secure your children’s future and being the parent that they need. They’ve lost their father and it’s reasonable that you are helped financially- it’s NOT reasonable they ask this of you but under these conditions and in these circumstances it’s reasonable you do it.

I would do it. The person who raped me when I was a child and sexually abused another child in my presence and sexually assaulted a third person, is now married with 3 children. This is a horrible horrible thought and I in NO WAY want it to happen but I know deep down he will offend again. The police screwed up my case but it's a matter of time until something else comes out.

I am telling you right now, I would want his poor unsuspecting wife and DC's to get every penny they can from the disgusting paedophile. Someone needs to fuck him and his enabling parents over and if it's only financially that's something. He doesn't warrant any ethical or moral consideration. Neither does your POS ex OP. Create a new, better life for yourself out of such harm.

Not read the whole thread as it looks very long indeed...But I don't consider it dirty money. It's your kids inheritance and if anything positive come out of something so awfully horrendous then let it be this. I just feel sorry that you have to go through with sitting in same room as him but I would definitely do it for a fresh start for you and your kids. Much luck to you and your family.

Social services will not be interested in you meeting him without the children.

I would go and see a divorce lawyer to get the ball rolling. There may be things for him to sign so that you can get divorced and sort out whatever money/debts you have. I would ask the solicitor’s advice about whether you can have an enforceable contract with his parents. If so, I would arrange to meet him for an hour at the solicitor’s office with the solicitor present. I would look at moving away and changing names as soon as you can. I would look to make some new friends who aren’t judgemental bitches.

Take the money. But go to the meeting at a lawyers office, get his parents to pay and have a deed signed so that when you see him you get the money. I don’t believe they will give you the money at all. They are likely giving him his inheritance early so that he can pay the lawyers bills.

Take the money if it is real and then leave.

It’s disgusting that they are saying this to you at all.

Given your (understandable) strength of feeling, don't do it.

You will forever hold guilt about it.

Cut them all out of your life. Your choice!

If you’re not planning on having. Anything to do with them in the future then you need to walk away now without taking their money. It isn’t without strings attached - this is the first thing they want - you to meet with their paedoohile son. If you take their money - even IF they do give it to you, and really how can you trust that they will - they will have a hold over you. They will try to control or manipulate you so that they can see their grand children.
Until they admit their son is a paedophile and stop trying to minimise what he has done your children are not safe.

Sell your house take what equity there is and make do as best you can - one day you can look your kids in the eye and tell them that you took nothing, as soon as you realised that your husband was a paedophile you cut all contact for their sake and yours and didn’t compromise.

No. Not in a million years would I take this money. They should be giving it to victims of CSA, that’s where it belongs

Wow, what a weekend. We are lucky enough to live near the sea and the kids love the beach - I've been pushing a pushchair up and down the seafront for hours, working out my next steps. Tried to keep the talking to myself down to a minimum.

I have a plan. God, it feels good to have a plan. Can't tell the details tonight, although I'm dying to, I've already had one person PM me who recognised my posting style from my proper name. I don't think his family are big Mumsnetters and I have changed some details but cmon, it would be pretty easy to work it out.

Just another thank you from the bottom of my heart. I was hopeless on Friday night and felt utterly trapped. Now I have options, at least.

I'll let everyone know either way on Monday or Tuesday. Whatever happens, I'll have tried to do the least-shit thing for the kids.

Tell them you’d rather not have their 30 pieces of silver thanks. If they’re so religious they’ll understand

@Strawbroke - sending you lots of love and admiration. What a terrible weight to carry on your shoulders. Nothing but admiration from me X

@IamtheDevilsAvocado that's a good point, and of course, like @Strawbroke 's experience, it could all go horribly wrong. It's all best guesses from the legal team I'm speaking to but you're right to caveat any promises on jail terms etc. I can't think of what will happen if it doesn't go how it should.

@Puzzledandpissedoff - visiting orders. I'm assuming that's what they mean although from what I understand there is no signing nowadays, it's all online.

@Jellycatspyjamas - your original post was deleted so I can't comment on any specific questions but I would love this not to be true. Before this was my life I would have thought a story like this belonged in a rubbish film, with goodies and baddies. I can't provide evidence and I have changed some details to try and protect myself a little (probably useless). All I can say is, I wish it wasn't true. I don't blame you for hoping it isn't either.

And for the other bits - yes, divorce is happening - I didn't make a note of who suggested name changes but god, that's a good point. Same with changing contact details. Whatever happens, we need to walk away from these people as soon as possible. I just wish I had made better financial choices, by this age I should have my own lump savings to fall back on. But I was "in love".

Just wanted to send lots of love to those posters who are talking about their own experiences of sexual violence. My heart goes out to you all. I don't understand how anyone could minimise the effects of living through such trauma, like his foul parents are doing.

And quick clarification, his parents aren't Christian, not that it matters really. Urgh they make my skin crawl.

You sound much more positive. Hope you get a good nights sleep.

Glad to hear you sounding more positive OP. Good luck with everything.