AIBU to take his family's dirty money? **Sensitive thread about child abuse - title edited by MNHQ**

[devastatedanon]

NC for reasons that will become very obvious. Identifying details removed. There are things I have had to leave out so please forgive me for not filling in some of the blanks.

I have been married for 11 years. Two kids and I'm six months pregnant with our much wanted third baby. Good job, nice house, adoring man.

It was all a lie. You are the first people I've told and even writing this out anonymously makes me want to vomit.

Three months ago the man I married (I can't call him DH or even husband) was arrested for viewing and storing child abuse images. We aren't talking about a few questionable pictures, ones he could argue he thought they were of age. Babies. Toddlers. Thousands of pictures and film clips. After the usual pathetic attempts at lying, he confessed and I've been told that due to the severity and amount, he is going away for a very long time.

Good.

As soon as he confessed, every feeling, every good memory I had of us as a family died. He became less than nothing to me. (I am seeing a therapist by the way, so are the kids, she is helping me cope with this boiling, violent rage I feel every time I think of his face)

I never want to see him again. Ever. He has been contacting me to beg for an hour of my time to "explain". As if there is anything he could say to explain away this horror, to minimise the fact he was an active participant in destroying the lives of those poor children. As if there is anything he could say to soften the fact he has destroyed my life, our babies lives.

He says he just wants an hour and then I can walk away but I "owe him this small thing".

I hope everyone will agree I ANBU when I say I can't/won't see him. I can't guarantee what I'd do. I can't and I won't and the idea I owe him ANYTHING is disgusting and repulsive.

Here's the AIBU. I dont have much family and nobody local, so his family have always been a big part of our lives. His parents are religious and have decided to love the sinner, hate the sin.

(I can't express how that makes me feel. I don't have the words for my anger and disgust)

They agree I owe him an hour and are haranguing me about it. You can imagine their arguments - it was "only" pictures, I need closure, we need to agree what to tell the children, I am being hormonal, I am selfish etc etc...

For the record, there stopped being a "we" the very second he admitted to his crimes. That's my closure and I will tell my children what I want (no idea what yet, one for the therapist to help me with).

I want to cut them out too. They disgust me now. I can't bear the idea of people who support that man being around my little ones. But... I lost my job and the house will go back to the bank soon. They have said they will give me the money he was due to inherit if I meet him. He won't need it where he is going. I need to feed my kids and more than ever, I need to keep them safe.

Part of me thinks the right thing to do for my kids would be to see him, get through an hour and take their money. Isn't that what a good mother would do? Grit my teeth and bear it for the chance to provide for my children? Is it selfish to refuse, when I know the impact it will have on my kids? It's dirty money but dirty money buys food and clothes just as good as clean money and I would rather die than ever let the kids know how I got it.

I don't know what to do. If I do it, I can provide for my babies who are so innocent and don't deserve any more pain.

Also, if I don't do it, the kids won't see their grandparents or extended family again. Right now I don't want them to be near those people but it should be MY CHOICE. Not another punishment for the kids.

I don't know what to do. I'm crying again but I cry all the time now. I can't talk to anyone about this in RL and my best friends have ghosted me since the news came out. I'm alone and scared of making the wrong choice.

I was going to ask, what should I do but I think we are past moral judgements. So my question is, what would you do? What price would you pay? I don't even care about my own mental health at this stage, that ship has sailed but it's like I physically cannot be in a room with him.

Thanks for reading, I'll answer any questions I can but if I can't, I'll say so and I hope you understand why.

Sorry I've not rtft so this might have been covered already but I would do it if it meant you can get enough money to keep your home. It's only an hour, yes it is absolutely fucking disgusting that they think you owe him that but if you know you can endure that hour and there is nothing he can say to sway your decision then I would just grit my teeth to get through that hour and take the money. It is bloody awful for you and my heart truly goes out to you

I'd tell them you need time to focus on holding things together for the kids and preparing for the new baby, there's too much going on now so wait until the dust settles. You're still in shock.
You should see a lawyer at some point if you intend to divorce, you could arrange a settlement with the family at the same time - perhaps the inheritance could be put in a trust fund for the children? That would make it feel less like you taking the money.
You might feel different about his family in future, and they might feel different about him too. I wouldn't decide anything final right now.
If they keep pestering to meet him, and you decide you want the money, maybe he could explain himself by letter or make a video address? Then you don't have to be in the same room.
I think their offer of payment for meeting is a bit desperate but then it's a horrible situation for them too.

Jesus Christ. You poor thing. Your inlaws are emotionally and financially blackmailing you.

Money will come and go but your mental health will be with you your whole life. That is your priority now. That and your children's mental health.

Talk it through with your counsellor. There is no right or wrong answer- as you can see by the range of responses on this thread. Talk and talk and talk. There is no rush.

But I will say this- gut instinct is there for a reason. And some things are worth more than money. Your children will understand why you choose whatever you choose. Just make sure that they will respect that choice when they are old enough to understand it.

Don't let the fire consume you.

They have said I'll get something for signing the paperwork to see him. Enough for food and the kids psychologist for a couple of weeks.

It seems to me that they agree with their son that paying money is the way to control children’s lives. Either to provide horrible abusive experiences for twisted desires, or to chose whether they eat.

Blackmailing bastards.
Tell them to shove the money where the sun doesn't shine and then get the fuck out of your lives.
You can rebuild your life without their dirty money. Get a part time job, tax credits and rent a house or flat. It's hard but not impossible and there are landlords who take hb. Hope your head up high. You can do this.

If I thought the money would be forthcoming, I would advise you to take it in a heartbeat, OP.

But sadly the money will not be forthcoming. They may be willing to give you dribs and drabs if you jump to their tune (and see their son - who is a child abuser - I don't care if it's all online - it amounts to the same thing - children suffered for his sexual gratification) - it's possible your (ex)husband is going to guilt you, abuse you, even blackmail you - and try to make you stay with him. That's what he wants. That's what his parents want. Because a man who does this, whose wife stands by him, looks better than a man who does this whose wife leaves him.

I'm so sorry OP - this will be horrendous for you. I'm very good friends with a woman this happened to - I've posted about this on MN before. I never give too many details - it's not fair on her - but I've been to court with her, I've been in meetings with his parents with her. She's been going through this for almost 6 years now.

His parents also promised my friend "the inheritance' - they are v wealthy. Needless to say, 6 yrs on she has seen v little of it. She has no support at all from them now - and certainly no inheritance is forthcoming. They have supported him in court - got him barristers, written letters that he should be allowed to see his children (!) and so on.

Get away from them now. Even if you end up penniless. I cannot stress enough what a nightmare she (my friend) has been through at through at the hands of his family.

Sell the house if you can - go back to your family if you can. Or call women's aid for advice. Being beholden to his family's money will be BAD for you all.

I'm not sure waiting is always the best plan, but maybe don't rush to decide if you will meet him or not. You are in control or if you do or don't, you can also make the decision not to decide yet?

I realise OP hasn't been back yet, but I wonder what was meant about getting money for signing the paperwork to see him?

What paperwork?

If op has moved away and NC then there will be no control.

I presume that the paperwork refers to the OP asking for a visit at the prison.

Only thing I can think of

wow. The grandparents are awful, dreadful people. You are suffering so much and they respond by blackmailing you?? I think I have to agree with everyone above -- assume there is no money, or that as soon as you do what they ask of you, there will be another demand (oh but you weren't nice enough to him... Oh but you didn't answer his questions... Oh but actually now he needs a 2nd/3rd/4th visit...) .

You are suffering so much here, that man harmed you as well as all those children. And these people want to traumatise you even more by 1) blackmailing you, and 2) forcing you into a situation that you/they know will damage you. Doesn't matter if its 'only' an hour. If you and your therapist know that you are not ready, or might never be ready, to face that person face-to-face: then you don't have to do it. AT ALL.

Forgive yourself, and give yourself permission to think about your own safety. If the worse case scenario of not doing what they demand is poverty -- well it's harsh, but people survive that, and you can too. The alternative scenario sounds like a slow death of being tied forever to these evil people, and the long-term effects of being forced to go through with something that you know will harm you. Your babies don't need you more traumatized than you already are.

There's really no reason for you to be dealing with the grandparents at all. You don't need them. They are toxic. If this is how they've behaved so far, it will only get worse. People show their true colours in times of crisis. They are not people you should be around when you are suffering -- and you probably will come to realise they are not the kind of people you want your kids around either.

Btw, Is there any reason why you can't get the money you need from your husband when you divorce him? He should be the one to pay you and your children a shit load of money. If they want to, his parents can chose to help him out with that.

maybe he could explain himself by letter or make a video address? Then you don't have to be in the same room.

Or even read/watch it.

I'd sling it straight in the bin.

OP - you owe him NOTHING, as I think you know.

I think that they are probably worried about how this all looks to their church community and want you to be "reconciled" so they can tell everyone that you are standing by him because he isn't guilty, and has been framed/ is a victim of unfortunate circumstances/ there hs been a mistake.

Don't let them jerk your strings - walk away.

Money buys control. They are trying to control you. Don’t let them.

He could easily be living with his parents. Personal experience says that although he has admitted to OP, he may not have directly admitted to the police, regardless of how much overwhelming evidence they may have. He could easily be on bail and that can keep getting renewed every month for a certain length of time while they collect evidence, send it to the CPS and CPS take weeks/months to work with the police on it. OP may be counted as a formal witness.

This story is utterly believable. It can take MONTHS for anything significant to happen.

@Jellycatspyjamas

On a thread of this nature, it is entirely inappropriate to question aspects of the OP.

If you have concerns, report the thread to MNHQ, but don't try to start a fucking witch hunt.

OP i just wanted to wish you and your DC the best of luck. I've RTFT & I have no idea what I would do about the money.

I would do it, as much as every fiber of my being screams not to.

I would want a solicitor to draw up a legally binding agreement,
There are no other stipulations, just that I see him for 1 hour, then I get the money.
the day before the meeting they need to give the money to the solicitor to hold, it will be released to me as soon as I leave the prison after the meeting.

If they refuse to agree to that then it’s clear they never had any intention of paying and i would cut all contact.
If they try to add any further stipulations I would refuse and cut all contact.

If they agree and pay the solicitor I would go to the meeting and stare at the clock for an hour, I would not say a word or look at him.
I would try to remember all the lyrics to the spice girls first album, all the songs on my playlist as a teen, the poem from 10 things I hate about you.
I’d recite things in my head constantly so that I couldn’t hear a thing he says.

Good luck OP.

But IF you decide to do it - Money (£00000's - not pennies) up front or the deeds to their house and them out of it.

No messing about

If his parents want the grandchildren to have his money then they'll give it to you. I'd leave them solicitor details only and move, start again afresh. Don't think for a moment that they won't attach more and more strings until you feel caught in a web. It's their choice, son or grandchildren. Let them be there for him if they want, but they can't have both.

I'm sorry this is so awful and that your friends haven't been there for you, people react oddly when they're scared and there's little more scary than paedophilia. Do you perhaps have other friends you've had less contact with previously who could be there for you more?

Op, I’m so sorry this is happening to you.

If there was a decent sized lump sum, I’d say do it. There’s no virtue in poverty. But, I doubt there is ever going to be that lump sum for you and your children. It’s a way of stringing you along and controlling you. So I’d say, don’t let them play that game with you.

Good luck and I hope you’re getting something positive from this thread.

@Jellycatspyjamas the thing is, troll hunting is against the Talk Guidelines and MNHQ have to remind posters not to do it. If you report it, they will investigate. But the sad thing is that there are a few posters who insist on continuing with this practice. It spoils threads for other posters who are genuinely following the thread.

We can never really know if a poster is telling the truth anyway.