AIBU to take his family's dirty money? **Sensitive thread about child abuse - title edited by MNHQ**

[devastatedanon]

NC for reasons that will become very obvious. Identifying details removed. There are things I have had to leave out so please forgive me for not filling in some of the blanks.

I have been married for 11 years. Two kids and I'm six months pregnant with our much wanted third baby. Good job, nice house, adoring man.

It was all a lie. You are the first people I've told and even writing this out anonymously makes me want to vomit.

Three months ago the man I married (I can't call him DH or even husband) was arrested for viewing and storing child abuse images. We aren't talking about a few questionable pictures, ones he could argue he thought they were of age. Babies. Toddlers. Thousands of pictures and film clips. After the usual pathetic attempts at lying, he confessed and I've been told that due to the severity and amount, he is going away for a very long time.

Good.

As soon as he confessed, every feeling, every good memory I had of us as a family died. He became less than nothing to me. (I am seeing a therapist by the way, so are the kids, she is helping me cope with this boiling, violent rage I feel every time I think of his face)

I never want to see him again. Ever. He has been contacting me to beg for an hour of my time to "explain". As if there is anything he could say to explain away this horror, to minimise the fact he was an active participant in destroying the lives of those poor children. As if there is anything he could say to soften the fact he has destroyed my life, our babies lives.

He says he just wants an hour and then I can walk away but I "owe him this small thing".

I hope everyone will agree I ANBU when I say I can't/won't see him. I can't guarantee what I'd do. I can't and I won't and the idea I owe him ANYTHING is disgusting and repulsive.

Here's the AIBU. I dont have much family and nobody local, so his family have always been a big part of our lives. His parents are religious and have decided to love the sinner, hate the sin.

(I can't express how that makes me feel. I don't have the words for my anger and disgust)

They agree I owe him an hour and are haranguing me about it. You can imagine their arguments - it was "only" pictures, I need closure, we need to agree what to tell the children, I am being hormonal, I am selfish etc etc...

For the record, there stopped being a "we" the very second he admitted to his crimes. That's my closure and I will tell my children what I want (no idea what yet, one for the therapist to help me with).

I want to cut them out too. They disgust me now. I can't bear the idea of people who support that man being around my little ones. But... I lost my job and the house will go back to the bank soon. They have said they will give me the money he was due to inherit if I meet him. He won't need it where he is going. I need to feed my kids and more than ever, I need to keep them safe.

Part of me thinks the right thing to do for my kids would be to see him, get through an hour and take their money. Isn't that what a good mother would do? Grit my teeth and bear it for the chance to provide for my children? Is it selfish to refuse, when I know the impact it will have on my kids? It's dirty money but dirty money buys food and clothes just as good as clean money and I would rather die than ever let the kids know how I got it.

I don't know what to do. If I do it, I can provide for my babies who are so innocent and don't deserve any more pain.

Also, if I don't do it, the kids won't see their grandparents or extended family again. Right now I don't want them to be near those people but it should be MY CHOICE. Not another punishment for the kids.

I don't know what to do. I'm crying again but I cry all the time now. I can't talk to anyone about this in RL and my best friends have ghosted me since the news came out. I'm alone and scared of making the wrong choice.

I was going to ask, what should I do but I think we are past moral judgements. So my question is, what would you do? What price would you pay? I don't even care about my own mental health at this stage, that ship has sailed but it's like I physically cannot be in a room with him.

Thanks for reading, I'll answer any questions I can but if I can't, I'll say so and I hope you understand why.

This is awful. I have a little insight into your plight as my ex always asked to meet 'just once' and and while he hadn't done anything like that I didn't trust him and just couldn't. It would never have been the 'just once' and anything he wanted to say could have been written down. I strongly believe he just wanted to see if he could pull my heartstrings enough to get a second chance.
In your case, I'm with you that there is NOTHING he can say in person or in writing to improve or explain the situation. However, there is nothing stopping him from putting his explanation on paper is there. He wants to SEE your reaction, to see if there is a way back.
The in-laws conditions are very tricky. Can you be sure they will not back out of their offer if you do not reconcile, which you won't? If they care for their grandchildren surely they will support you with no strings attached.
I think I would explain to them that you will read anything he wants to write to you, but you are not now and may not ever be ready to meet him. Explain that what has happened has now put your and your childrens' security at risk and that you are financially struggling. Say that you are happy to continue your relationship with them as grandparents with no conditions, and if they want to offer you support, that would be very kind. However, you cannot accept an offer of financial support based on their current terms.

Also, so sorry to hear that your friends have ghosted you. Is that joint friends? You do say that you haven't told anyone anything IRL. Why don't you start? People will find out eventually. The scum will soon rrise to the surface no doubt but you could find a few solid people who will help you through this.

I am so sorry that you are in this situation. I think that you need immediate legal advice as to what can be done - to get a divorce, to terminate his parental rights, to get an injunction, to tie up the money (if it is actually available and not just pie in the sky for blackmail). Speak to the bank, to council housing and to social services. Grab as much advice as possible.

It sounds like a good deal but I have my doubts as to whether (a) they actually have the liquid funds, (b) that it would be transferred as a lump sum, and (c) that they wouldn't drip feed it, demanding more and more.

Best of luck. ❤️

to deal so swiftly with the whole 'hate the sin, love the sinner" thing seems odd when any 'normal' parent would be torn apart at the thought of their adult son being revealed to be a paedophile.

I've seen this happen before. It's very easy to forgive something dreadful - if it has happened to someone else. It's a melty-mouthed hypocritical faith that allows people to glibly come out with this shite.

Do I think God forgives people who commit these sort of life-damaging crimes? Maybe - but only if the perpetrator is sorry for what he has done, and the pain it has caused - not if they are just sorry for themselves. And such people should certainly NEVER be allowed near potential victims again. NEVER!!! Even if they are truly sorry, they should never be placed in temptation's path.

OP has been enormously courageous in walking away from this relationship and taking a huge financial hit for the sake of her children.

I've actually re-thought my previous advice - OP - don't go anywhere near these poisonous individuals. If they cared about your children, and were able, they would provide the money without any conditions attached.

Report their manipulative machinations to everybody suggested perviously - police, SS etc, and let them take appropriate action. I hadn't been thinking about the child you are carrying - meeting up with this sorry apology for a man, who has betrayed everything you thought you had together, would be far too stressful for you, and for your unborn baby.

Walk away. Don't look back. Don't keep in touch with his horrible hypocritical family.

Don't do it.

Take a clean break, leave all of them behind. Grandparents should put their GC first if they are at risk.

You'll be skint, but you'll be ok.

Good luck x

But how do you make a clean break and move away without money?

If I were you I would give the PIL the conditions - contract, money cleared into solicitor's account 24 hours in advance, solicitor to witness/verify meeting met the terms - and a deadline. Put the ball entirely in their court, retain a solicitor if they get back to you with the contract. But you don't have to negotiate this with them, because if this isn't in good faith then it's just abusive and will add to your unhappiness. If you have to move then it will be easy to lose contact with them if it turns out they are messing you about. I am so sorry you are going through this and hope you get lots of good advice and find your way to a good future with your children. 💐

Christ on a bike they're blackmailing you!
I have no idea what I would do in your situation. My gut says fuck the lot of them and never have anything to do with them ever again. They can't be trusted.
Whatever you decide to do, good luck. You are stronger than you think xx

Not read the full thread, sorry if I’m repeating what’s already been said.

Deffo seek advice from SS to see if this would have any implications.

Are the PIL giving other conditions with the money too? Ie. Staying in contact with your children?

It’s easy to say what We’d do when we aren’t living your hell. I think I’d do whatever it took to protect my children and their future. If there were no other conditions attached to the money and it was “proven” they had the funds to give you, then I’m inclined to say I’d do it.

OP please look after yourself. What an absolute shitty terrible situation you’ve been put in and I can’t imagine the pain you’re in. You will get through this.

Big hugs.

If they care for their grandchildren surely they will support you with no strings attached

You'd think so, wouldn't you? Especially from "church" people?

Which reminds me that I wouldn't necessarily be bringing this to the clergy's attention, as some have suggested - unless you know and thoroughly trust those concerned, that is. Given the history some of them have around child protection, you might just not like their ideas for how to approach this

I've not read all 18 pages. To earn money for yourself can you rent out a room or rent out the house and move somewhere smaller/cheaper ? Ref their offer of money, I would be asking WHY they are offering. I would not meet any of them. Make a clean break.

Ref their offer of money, I would be asking WHY they are offering

Possibly because if their son can show evidence of rehabilitation he'll get a shorter sentence. Evidence of him attempting to rebuild his relationship with his wife, and her agreement to this by meeting him, might well help his case.

So sorry OP

Firstly forget the idea of dirty money, if it does exist it's just money for your children's future.

Please get as much professional advice as possible. Police/SS/Solicitors etc. You need to know the implications of whatever you do.

Whatever you decide will work out in the end because we can tell you will do anything for your children. If it was me I would get advice confirming that I could leave and move as far away as possible to start a new life and never see him or his family again. Don't leave any clue as to the new area. It's concerning that some posters say he still has rights to see his children, do check this out.

In my opinion he gave up any kind of human or moral rights when he even thought of doing the horrific things he did.

All the best OP xx

Absolutely take the money. Absolutely.

Bloody hell. What a horrible situation. Firstly, I commend you for your strength, resilience and dedication to your children. I can't begin to imagine how horrendous this is for you.
But about the money. Your in laws are not sex offenders. They are grandparents prepared to look after their grandkids. I'm pretty disgusted that they have put conditions on the money. But there is part of me that thinks why not go with it? Take a friend if you need the moral support. But providing financial security to your kids is vital. They're not asking you to remain married, in touch with him or maintain a relationship with their dad. An hour to keep your kids in a home. I'd do it. I can't imagine how they feel, but it looks like despite forgiving him, they're cutting him out of their will to look after their grandkids. That's pretty significant and hugely impactive on your situation. Definitely worth considering.
Whatever you do, I send you much love. Whatever your financial situation, your kids have a lioness of a mother who loves and protects fiercely.

I've had something similar (but nowhere near as bad) in that a very abusive parent of mine told a terrible lie that I had been sexually abused by the other parent when I hadn't (to points score - it was said in a moment of narcissistic rage and I blocked them and went NC as it was just the most recent in a long line of fucked up things they'd said).

Was offered via an aunt 20k to go round there with the DC and just let them explain why they made such a thing up (for one hour only). Refused straight away BUT I have a decent enough income that 20k wasn't 'that' earth shattering and also knew that I would feel that I'd been bought. However i don't know what I would have done if I was struggling. I like to think I would have turned it down but it's not that easy.

If you feel that your ILs are in any way manipulative I would say think carefully.

Really feel for you, look after yourself.

I would give yourself more time. Ask the grandparents if they will cover your mortgage payments etc for a few months under the agreement that you will work towards a potential meeting. No promises. At the moment it would not be positive for your mental health to have this meeting and he is still in early stages in relation to acceptance of his problems so he's just going to give a load of bullshit excuses anyway. A meeting between you in the future may provide you with some closure but I would get the court case and sentencing out of the way and allow yourself time to move on and process things more. If the grandparents are genuine in their offer they should accept a compromise and a discussion around how this can be worked out for the best in the long term.

Don't allow the children to be alone with his family unless you are sure they won't be filling them with his excuses.

I would take the money. Get something legal drawn up first, give him the hour, I can’t even imagine how hard it must be for you but for one hour you can move away, start over, and never see any of them again, your kids need the security. It doesn’t make you a bad mother, you need the money for them. My heart goes out to you, it’s just horrific.

Hope you're ok OP, there's a mass of advice and information here, you must be feeling very overwhelmed by it all.

Op?

I suspect you’ll never get the money - they’ll use it to control you. If they’re willing to do it once, they’ll do it again.

I can’t imagine how hard this is, but you need to make a clean break.

I wouldn't take their money or see him. If his parents weren't a waste of space they'd want to give your children the money regardless of whether you met their son for an hour or not. They're using it to manipulate you. I wouldn't give them the satisfaction.

@hertha I’m not sure of protocol but I would of thought maybe other agencies are involved.

A similar senerio happened in small town I live there was uproar telling gossips to remember there was two children and there mother that was innocent in all this. Some people were like vultures, am sure they ended up being relocated but I couldn’t say for sure as I had no interest in needed to seek information on family and keep myself.

With the added of the bank taking back the house and another baby on the way I hope all the agencies are communicating with each other and putting something in place.

But it’s not impossible to upsticks and move away without money I’ve done it you just need to know who you can turn to for help as it can be a case of people scratching their heads and passing you onto someone else and repeat.

No time to read thread but come on people!
DONT take the money
It WILL come with strings attached
They will use it to pressure you
You X is a monster, but chances are his family of origin contributed to the way he is, you should be very wary of their effect on your kids
Given they have tried to bribe you like this, they are not good people. If they truly cared about your kids they would not be trying to hold you to ransom. You and your kids are better off without then.
Go NC, cut the strings, your kids are safer that way. Please.

I fell sick for you, but wanted to say you sound like a fantastic mum and strong lady xx