AIBU to take his family's dirty money? **Sensitive thread about child abuse - title edited by MNHQ**

[devastatedanon]

NC for reasons that will become very obvious. Identifying details removed. There are things I have had to leave out so please forgive me for not filling in some of the blanks.

I have been married for 11 years. Two kids and I'm six months pregnant with our much wanted third baby. Good job, nice house, adoring man.

It was all a lie. You are the first people I've told and even writing this out anonymously makes me want to vomit.

Three months ago the man I married (I can't call him DH or even husband) was arrested for viewing and storing child abuse images. We aren't talking about a few questionable pictures, ones he could argue he thought they were of age. Babies. Toddlers. Thousands of pictures and film clips. After the usual pathetic attempts at lying, he confessed and I've been told that due to the severity and amount, he is going away for a very long time.

Good.

As soon as he confessed, every feeling, every good memory I had of us as a family died. He became less than nothing to me. (I am seeing a therapist by the way, so are the kids, she is helping me cope with this boiling, violent rage I feel every time I think of his face)

I never want to see him again. Ever. He has been contacting me to beg for an hour of my time to "explain". As if there is anything he could say to explain away this horror, to minimise the fact he was an active participant in destroying the lives of those poor children. As if there is anything he could say to soften the fact he has destroyed my life, our babies lives.

He says he just wants an hour and then I can walk away but I "owe him this small thing".

I hope everyone will agree I ANBU when I say I can't/won't see him. I can't guarantee what I'd do. I can't and I won't and the idea I owe him ANYTHING is disgusting and repulsive.

Here's the AIBU. I dont have much family and nobody local, so his family have always been a big part of our lives. His parents are religious and have decided to love the sinner, hate the sin.

(I can't express how that makes me feel. I don't have the words for my anger and disgust)

They agree I owe him an hour and are haranguing me about it. You can imagine their arguments - it was "only" pictures, I need closure, we need to agree what to tell the children, I am being hormonal, I am selfish etc etc...

For the record, there stopped being a "we" the very second he admitted to his crimes. That's my closure and I will tell my children what I want (no idea what yet, one for the therapist to help me with).

I want to cut them out too. They disgust me now. I can't bear the idea of people who support that man being around my little ones. But... I lost my job and the house will go back to the bank soon. They have said they will give me the money he was due to inherit if I meet him. He won't need it where he is going. I need to feed my kids and more than ever, I need to keep them safe.

Part of me thinks the right thing to do for my kids would be to see him, get through an hour and take their money. Isn't that what a good mother would do? Grit my teeth and bear it for the chance to provide for my children? Is it selfish to refuse, when I know the impact it will have on my kids? It's dirty money but dirty money buys food and clothes just as good as clean money and I would rather die than ever let the kids know how I got it.

I don't know what to do. If I do it, I can provide for my babies who are so innocent and don't deserve any more pain.

Also, if I don't do it, the kids won't see their grandparents or extended family again. Right now I don't want them to be near those people but it should be MY CHOICE. Not another punishment for the kids.

I don't know what to do. I'm crying again but I cry all the time now. I can't talk to anyone about this in RL and my best friends have ghosted me since the news came out. I'm alone and scared of making the wrong choice.

I was going to ask, what should I do but I think we are past moral judgements. So my question is, what would you do? What price would you pay? I don't even care about my own mental health at this stage, that ship has sailed but it's like I physically cannot be in a room with him.

Thanks for reading, I'll answer any questions I can but if I can't, I'll say so and I hope you understand why.

This will sound bad. But it would depend in how much money. Are you talking 5k to put a deposit down on a tiny house, or 30k to really set you up elsewhere.
I'd be tempted to take the money.
Things are bad enough for you without losing your home too. That would be ultra stressful for you and kids.
Don't think of it as dirty money . It would be been yours anyway. But instead of the condition of them dying , the condition is seeing someone in prison. Religious people are all about forgiveness.. look at the Catholic church. As for they're only pictures, that's ignorance. Try to rise above it. Take the money beforehand , go see him,tell him.what you think of him. Get closure, move on with your children.

Not taking the money will not undo what he has done.

Have changed my mind a few times over this. Basically I’d do whatever it takes to secure my children’s future but there are 2 elements to this. The first is financial and the second is the longer term contact that they have with him and his family.

As people have said they have already tried to minimise this and what kind of Grandparents offer a small amount for foods and a child psychologist on the condition you sign a visiting order, that would really concern me, enough to involve Social Services and create a paper trail for the future. I would go to their Church and let it be known they are basically trying to bribe you, really hammering home how tough your financial situation and how you aren’t sure how to feed your children, under the guise of seeking moral guidance about whether how you come terms with a crime like this etc.

They will have talked to him and this request and bribe for a visit is the end result of some plan they have cobbled together.They are all together trying to make something play out. If they weren’t you’d have food money in your bank account and no talk of how it was only pictures he was looking at.

You have to think to the future here. I agree there could well be a scenario where they attempt to facilitate them seeing him through them and I’d be very concerned about what access he is likely to get in the future and want the opinion of a solicitor and social services. When you’re talking to them say you are only concerned about what is in the best interests of the children and want advice regarding this and how you as their Mother can best facilitate this and go about safeguarding them in this situation. Keep repeating best interests and safeguarding and follow things up in writing to create a paper trail.

I’d absolutely take the money if I could and would do what people were saying and have it held with a solicitor but I am very doubtful it exists, or not as much as being said as suspect they will end up using it for his legal fees and to set him up again when he comes out of prison. If the money doesn’t exist and you’ve entered into these discussions I would worry about them bring this up in the future during any access hearings. Hopefully I’m wrong and it wouldn’t be an issue but I’d need to know this from a legal source.

So sorry you’re going through this.

His family are using this as proof that it wasn't too serious

This is exactly why they are at risk having any kind of contact with them... stand your ground, you owe them nothing...,

I honestly wouldn’t take the money.

The right thing is not to take it. Don’t let them manipulate you into going to see your ex.

If you did I think you could potentially carry around guilt about accepting the money.

If they truly cared they would give you the money with no strings attached.

You will build a secure a safe life for your children. You can do this.

I'm assuming this is in the UK. If so, the man will not yet be in prison if he hasn't been sentenced. He will get a maximum of 5 years for having indecent images on his devices, up to 10 years if he was passing those images around. That's the maximum sentencing available to the courts. Social services will be involved with the children automatically. They will have made it very clear to the mother that if she had contact with the father she could lose the children, same with the paternal grandparents. If the man is constantly trying to make contact, the courts will issue a restraining order prohibiting this because of the children. Any breach of this will result in him immediately being taken into custody. The OP has to notify the police of this.
This is not about seeing her ex if his parents pay her, it's about ensuring the children are, and remain, safe from a sex offender. As his parents are siding with him and minimising his offences, the children also need to be kept safe from them. Agreeing to their suggestion regarding money is doing the opposite, and not keeping them safe. This could be deemed by social services as putting the children at greater risk.
The OP must tell the family social worker what the GPS are suggesting.

^This, a hundred times.

Tell the police liaison officer what the grandparents are suggesting. This should be logged in case there's any trouble in future.

A pp mentioned the Lucy Faithfull foundation which helps families in your situation. They are here
www.lucyfaithfull.org.uk

Phone them and get advice as soon as you can.

Social services should give you practical help. In your situation I would move.

I agree that you should notify the police and SS of what the GPs have done, OP. You mustn't give them any reason to doubt that you're able to keep your DC safe.

OP, what a truly dreadful situation to be in, my heart goes out to you.

This will sound bad. But it would depend in how much money. Are you talking 5k to put a deposit down on a tiny house, or 30k to really set you up elsewhere

I agree with this but my first figure would be 30K and my second figure 150K. Enough for you to start again with no contact from him or his family ever again. What on earth do the GPs think he is going to say? Do they think he is going to make it right? If so they are beyond deluded.

In answer to your original post, I'm torn. At times I think, yes I will take every penny I can from them for the years I have spent with this monster of a man. At other times, I think... I need to walk away from the whole lot of them - clean sheet, clean start etc.

I hope you find the strength to come to the right decision for you and of course your DCs.

The money - they won't give me it before the visit. They have said I'll get something for signing the paperwork to see him. Enough for food and the kids psychologist for a couple of weeks

You might as well face the fact that they won't give it you at all, or at best only small amounts if you bend the knee to each demand - demands which would get worse once they learned they could manipulate you. Nor did they mean it about "hate the sin, love the sinner", given the way they've tried to blame you for being "selfish" and "hormonal" and, worse still, tried to minimise his awful crimes

Since both they and their son have shown themselves to be rotten to the core, I wouldn't pollute myself or my children by contact with any of them - neither would I put myself in the position of being bought by people like this. Wiser posters than me have made excellent suggestions on how to move forward on your own, and for me this would be the only path to take

If you can legally pin down the money ahead of the meeting, I would do it. You don't even have to speak to him. Just sit for an hour.

I doubt they have any intention of paying though. At least not in a lump sum.

I can't begin to imagine what you must be going through.

Not read full thread.

I would meet and take the money. Think of it not as you oweing him the time but what he owes your children - stability. Take the money and go.

re the Money - get them to lodge it at a solicitors and its only released if you see him. But do make sure SS are aware f what is going on and the best way to approach this.

I honestly don't think you will see the money. A good clean break from the lot of them and into somewhere where they can't trace you. I would also include a name change. Personally I think you should be thinking about working with social services and the DV team - it is a form of coercive control from him and his parents which is endangering your and your children's mental health.

I wouldn't. My father is deeply unpleasant and when I was younger, 19 not living with him, he wanted to see me. He offered me a large amount of money to invite him to my house. I declined, his response was you put a high price on your morals. I am glad I did as I think being drawn back into that awful world would not have been good for me at all. I may not have his millions but have nothing to do with him which is to me a price worth paying.

This is not about seeing her ex if his parents pay her, it's about ensuring the children are, and remain, safe from a sex offender. As his parents are siding with him and minimising his offences, the children also need to be kept safe from them

Yes, and this^^ I can't believe some of the suggestions about negotiating with these people, supposedly "for the children's benefit". Even if OP were to get any money - which is vanishingly unlikely - how would SS view a mother accepting payment for contact with people like this? Isn't the DC's safety more important than that?

OP if you agree to their conditions, you put yourself and your DC at greater risk in the eyes of every outside agency who will be involved in your lives.

You have the choice to take their money, but it potentially opens a whole can of worms with regards to your own capacity to keep your DC safe, and if your IL's are as slimy and scummy as they sound, they could potentially use your need for money to coerce you to continue contact with them, or to get closer to your DC.

Have you considered the fact that his Parents knew - or at least suspected - that he was a paedophile? It's revolting, I know, but to deal so swiftly with the whole 'hate the sin, love the sinner" thing seems odd when any 'normal' parent would be torn apart at the thought of their adult son being revealed to be a paedophile. Doing his dirty business trying to manipulate vulnerable family members seems a terrifically accepting sort of action when everyone else is still understandably reeling from the shitshow that's landed on your doorstep. I'd be tremendously suspicious of anyone who recovered from that so swiftly, especially if they attempted to minimise the crimes at the same time.

I think you need to inform the police and his solicitor/anyone else in an official capacity of their attempts at bribery, you need to inform your social worker and you need to work out benefits and where you go in terms of supporting your DC yourself, because these IL's aren't going to give you anything. If they had any intention of supporting and loving you thought this, you'd have seen and felt it by now. They have no love for you, no concept of right and wrong and no loyalty to anyone but themselves. Let it be their last memory of you, telling them to go fuck themselves.

You may not feel strong now, you may feel alone. But I can promise you this, your loneliness will go. It will pass and you will fight through and come out the other side. Those repulsive IL's and your ExH never will. They will be alone with their own horror story for the rest of their lives. Let them live in their own filth.

You have two children to keep financially secure and a difficult road ahead. Take the money. That's the very least their Dad/family owes them.

Everyone saying ‘take the money’

They don’t have the money or they have no intentions of giving it.

Their loyalties lie with their son. OP is aware of that. If they had the money readily available they would not be simply offering a bit of food money etc, they’d have paid the mortgage so that their son isn’t their burden when he gets out in 5yrs (less if it’s ‘just pics’) or up to 10yrs (if he’s shared them). The sentence is scarily short and he’ll be able to try to get access to the kids eventually too.

If you go to see him, regardless of any money offered, social services will have a dim view of you and may think you can be persuaded to give him access to the children. This will not go in your favour.

Children’s Services may do an initial assessment, but if the OP is protecting the children, which she clearly is, there would not necessarily be any further intervention other than support is requested/needed. OP is not agreeing to the children seeing their father, or their grandparents if father is present. Meeting with their father once, to tell him that the relationship has finally ended and that she will not agree to any direct or indirect contact will not be seen as increasing the risk in terms of Children’s Services, the Family court or other agencies. I think that this is scaremongering; as long as there is no contact that is what is important. Taking money to meet the children’s needs is not bad parenting, and will not be seen as this by professionals. I work in this field, it may not feel like it but you are in a position of power in relation to the children. Your in laws know this, they are trying to get their head round what their son has done, they are parents as well.

Haven't read past the first few pages so you'll have to excuse me if the thread has moved on but something (a lot) doesn't sit right with me about his parents "request" aside the fact its atrocious that they'd dangle a carrot about their DGC's financial security

Suppose if you did go and see the SOB for one hour and he used that hour to desperately try to get you to stand by him, you then (rightly) tell him you want nothing to do with him, he's dead to you, he is disgusting etc..

I really can't see his parents then handing over the money. Why would they? They are claiming all they want is for OP to hear him out for an hour but my bet would be they're expecting her to soften, they somehow believe that if she just goes to visit him she'll realise how she must stand by him, feel so very sorry for him.

OP I would do it. I would go then take the money and rid yourself of the lot of them, but only If you can make absolutely sure (solicitors and a contract) that they can't move the goal posts or change their minds when this "one hour" meeting doesn't go the way they're hoping it will.

I wish you the best of luck in moving forward with your DC whatever you do,

Whatever happens soon you will be away from that despicable creature who calls himself their father and them paedophile sympathizers he has for parents

Meet with him tell him how much he disgusts u and take the money. This is for the children's future. Really feel for u x

Meeting with their father once, to tell him that the relationship has finally ended and that she will not agree to any direct or indirect contact will not be seen as increasing the risk in terms of Children’s Services, the Family court or other agencies

Maybe not, but such an approach is hardly likely to persuade the PILs to hand over any money, is it? OP's made it very clear that these offers are conditional on her doing what they want, and they'll certainly want more than that

It's not an hour spent getting rid of him I'd expect the agencies to be interested in, but where further negotiations with such people might lead

Bloody hell, OP, what a position to be put in. I wouldn't touch the cash, even with no strings attached, knowing what it meant and why I had it.

The conditions they are seeking to impose are designed to test your resolve. If you pass this test, there will be another, then another, until (they hope) you are so beaten down you agree to take him back.

Fuck that. Fuck it a lot.

I agree with @lollipop it will not go in your favour.

From outsider point of view it would look like you was still supporting him maybe this is what grandparents wants others to perceive.

All those saying go take money, you have to remember OP is pregnant, has two children, no local support, her life is in turmoil. Do you honestly think it’s as easy as going to see him for 1hr? I don’t think anyone can be that hard given current circumstances... maybe one day but not just yet.

There is nothing for her to gain that will benefit now dealing with shit storm which will make life better for her and kids from seeing him except money which there is not really a given.

Nothing he says will justify his actions, telling him he a lowest of bastards won’t change anything. I think the welfare of the op well being is priority.

Where's the guarantee that you'll get this money?
I wouldn't trust blackmailers to keep their word.

I'd want the money in my account first.....and then not do the visit.
If they tried claiming it back i'd argue it was 'gifted' to me/dc

I don't think there is any money, but if there was a substantial or life changing amount of cash on the table, what would be the tax implications? I don't believe anyone can just give away large sums of money. Surely there can be no inheritance when there could be care fees in the future.

Don’t do it. Your job is to keep your children safe and protect your mental health. I would consider avoiding further upset more important than financial security at the moment. There is no way you should agree to any kind of meeting or contact with anyone that is trying to minimise what has happened. Their promise of money isn’t guaranteed to be real and it would be preferable to get help from a foodbank or charity than rely on manipulative scumbags who use religion as a cover to emotionally abuse you.

If the house is about to be repossessed you should get help from stepchange, cab or another debt charity. As a pregnant woman with young children you would be a priority for housing especially if you are prepared to move far away. Now is the time to make a clean break from your DCs father and grandparents. Get help from women’s aid and shelter to move a long way away and start again.