AIBU to take his family's dirty money? **Sensitive thread about child abuse - title edited by MNHQ**

[devastatedanon]

NC for reasons that will become very obvious. Identifying details removed. There are things I have had to leave out so please forgive me for not filling in some of the blanks.

I have been married for 11 years. Two kids and I'm six months pregnant with our much wanted third baby. Good job, nice house, adoring man.

It was all a lie. You are the first people I've told and even writing this out anonymously makes me want to vomit.

Three months ago the man I married (I can't call him DH or even husband) was arrested for viewing and storing child abuse images. We aren't talking about a few questionable pictures, ones he could argue he thought they were of age. Babies. Toddlers. Thousands of pictures and film clips. After the usual pathetic attempts at lying, he confessed and I've been told that due to the severity and amount, he is going away for a very long time.

Good.

As soon as he confessed, every feeling, every good memory I had of us as a family died. He became less than nothing to me. (I am seeing a therapist by the way, so are the kids, she is helping me cope with this boiling, violent rage I feel every time I think of his face)

I never want to see him again. Ever. He has been contacting me to beg for an hour of my time to "explain". As if there is anything he could say to explain away this horror, to minimise the fact he was an active participant in destroying the lives of those poor children. As if there is anything he could say to soften the fact he has destroyed my life, our babies lives.

He says he just wants an hour and then I can walk away but I "owe him this small thing".

I hope everyone will agree I ANBU when I say I can't/won't see him. I can't guarantee what I'd do. I can't and I won't and the idea I owe him ANYTHING is disgusting and repulsive.

Here's the AIBU. I dont have much family and nobody local, so his family have always been a big part of our lives. His parents are religious and have decided to love the sinner, hate the sin.

(I can't express how that makes me feel. I don't have the words for my anger and disgust)

They agree I owe him an hour and are haranguing me about it. You can imagine their arguments - it was "only" pictures, I need closure, we need to agree what to tell the children, I am being hormonal, I am selfish etc etc...

For the record, there stopped being a "we" the very second he admitted to his crimes. That's my closure and I will tell my children what I want (no idea what yet, one for the therapist to help me with).

I want to cut them out too. They disgust me now. I can't bear the idea of people who support that man being around my little ones. But... I lost my job and the house will go back to the bank soon. They have said they will give me the money he was due to inherit if I meet him. He won't need it where he is going. I need to feed my kids and more than ever, I need to keep them safe.

Part of me thinks the right thing to do for my kids would be to see him, get through an hour and take their money. Isn't that what a good mother would do? Grit my teeth and bear it for the chance to provide for my children? Is it selfish to refuse, when I know the impact it will have on my kids? It's dirty money but dirty money buys food and clothes just as good as clean money and I would rather die than ever let the kids know how I got it.

I don't know what to do. If I do it, I can provide for my babies who are so innocent and don't deserve any more pain.

Also, if I don't do it, the kids won't see their grandparents or extended family again. Right now I don't want them to be near those people but it should be MY CHOICE. Not another punishment for the kids.

I don't know what to do. I'm crying again but I cry all the time now. I can't talk to anyone about this in RL and my best friends have ghosted me since the news came out. I'm alone and scared of making the wrong choice.

I was going to ask, what should I do but I think we are past moral judgements. So my question is, what would you do? What price would you pay? I don't even care about my own mental health at this stage, that ship has sailed but it's like I physically cannot be in a room with him.

Thanks for reading, I'll answer any questions I can but if I can't, I'll say so and I hope you understand why.

"I would totally take the money and not do the visit"

They aren't going to let that happen are they-that's if there even is any money!

It has occurred to me that perhaps this money may be used to blackmail OP into testifying as a character witness on her ex's behalf. ie - lying and denying her feelings about the man. I don't think she would or could do so. (Obviously I don't think she should either...). Perhaps this is why the evil, god-bothering grandparents believe that there is more monetary value in her visiting the arsehole and "hearing him out" than helping her out financially which would be their actual priority as loving GP's if they had an ounce of human decency (with or without the Christianity....).

No, they will continue to hold money over you. They are pretty disgusting human beings.

I'm sorry op.

What a horrible situation, I honestly have no words, but much love and admiration for you, you're doing brilliantly.

I think pp are absolutely right not to trust them, at all. It hours without saying you owe him and them nothing.

However, he owes you. Massively. He has pulled not just the carpet but the whole ground out from beneath your and the children's feet. He did that through his hideous actions.

It would stick in my throat, but I'd visit him for the money, but on my terms - I think I'd

• engage a solicitor - a good one. Have an agreement in writing that they sign over a set amount to you, on condition you attend one meeting. Just attend, nothing more. The funds should be deposited with the solicitor prior to the visit so they can't back track.
• visit him. I'd either sit there and zone him out entirely for the visit (easier said than done) or use it as an opportunity to say what I think, and leave him in no doubt there is no way back for him or his family. Your counsellor could help you decide the best approach for you.
• take the money, go wherever you want to go, and rebuild your lives. Let them rot.

They may have no intention of giving you any money. It may just be a way to get you to meet them.

I would agree to set a date and time IF they transferred the money first. I would then put this money somewhere save.

If you then decided not to meet him that’s your choice. The money is for your children. If you then moved and changed your phone number tough luck to them.

I know that sounds harsh but why should you be punished for what he has caused.

I would get the money first and then run. A new start for you all would help everyone to move on.

And if they refuse to pay in advance they probably had no plan to give it to you in the meantime.

I meant first place, not meantime.

*"... engage a solicitor - a good one. Have an agreement in writing that they sign over a set amount to you, on condition you attend one meeting. Just attend, nothing more. The funds should be deposited with the solicitor prior to the visit so they can't back track.

• visit him. I'd either sit there and zone him out entirely for the visit (easier said than done) or use it as an opportunity to say what I think, and leave him in no doubt there is no way back for him or his family."*

That is what I would do - I wouldn't get drawn in to agreeing to keeping quiet in any way. I'd take their money for my children and throw him under the bus with a smile.

Have just put this post to my mom and she has asked me to reply for her ...

She suggests , go and bare the hour as nothing is going to change your opinion or change the situation in that hour . He had no morals to do what he did in the first place so why should you stand by any morals towards him or his family . They have chosen the path they want to take and you can now choose yours for you and your babies . The only sensible way your going to do that is by financially securing a future for yourself and your children .

Be happy , take the money , and never regret anything ! The only person who should be regretting anything is the man who put you in this position in the first place !

Julie x

OP, so very sorry that you're in this horrible situation. You sound like a wonderful mother and a strong woman.

I'm a complete pragmatist. If the amount of money is life changing and you adopt all the very sensible advice about securing it and ensuring it's a full and final payment, I'd bite the bullet and take it. Only you can decide if the amount on offer is enough.

It's not dirty money and the price isn't you. It's financial security for your children, they deserve that. They also deserve a life a very long way away from their father and grandparents, if the money will provide that, would an hour of your life be worth it?

I wish you nothing but good things from here on in. 💐

I think you would be wise to listen to OrchiddingMe. This isn't a Hollywood movie, it's not just a matter of vanishing into the sunset with a suitcase full of cash, there are all sorts of legal and tax ramifications.

You poor thing.
You do not owe ANYBODY anything! That is a horrible thing for them all to say.
You have to decide what is best for you and your children.

If that were me, I would make them send me the money beforehand, get you and your children safe, then decide if you can go through with seeing him.

You do not have to do anything.
Do not let them push you into anything.

I have nothing but respect for you, this must be so goddamn hard.
Be kind to yourself and do what is best for you and your children, and if you ever need anyone- my inbox is always open!
Sending lots of hugs

Lizzie

Forgiveness? I'm getting there. But forgiving doesn't mean that the perpetrators shouldn't face the consequences of their actions.

You are right Lizzie - it doesn't. They are responsible for their vile actions, and unless they admit this, and do what they can to make amends (they will never be able to, but could make an effort) then they HAVEN'T repented, no matter how "sorry" they seem. Being sorry for yourself, because you have been caught, and have lost all of your foul images, and are shunned by decent people - that is NOT repentance.

I'm so sorry to hear what you went through. On this forum there are many stories of lives ruined by paedophiles - every one is a tragedy, and heartbreaking. You have been very courageous and incredibly strong - I'm glad you still have faith, and are able to separate the hypocrisy from the word of Christ. But using the line that "we keep quiet because it will damage the church" is exactly what DOES damage the church - and destroys lives because it enables these people to move on and do it again and again.

hi op. You have been thrown into a dreadful situation. I wish you all the strength in the world right now. x

Agree with others. If you do decide to go ahead, engage a solicitor and get this agreement drawn up legally. They will provide you with £x with no further claim and on a gift basis with no attempt to recover. You will return the money immediately if you decide you cannot go ahead with the meeting. The meeting will last exactly one hour. There are to be no conditions set by him or his family - the terms are all up to you. Get the money in advance. If they won't agree to all of these stipulations, fuck their money. You will be ok without it and so will your children.

If it were me, I wouldn't do it. It's only money and there is no amount worth the risk of them holding it over you later on, claiming it gives them rights to see their grandchildren or over what you do with it. They should want to provide inheritance for their GC without resorting to blackmail. Why are they SO insistent you give him an hour? What do they hope it will achieve? That they are prepared to throw hundreds of thousands of pounds at a 1 hr meeting would make me very suspicious of their trustworthiness / motives.

If you go ahead, insist on any meeting being done on your terms - with a mediator at his cost so you are not alone with him. Ensure that your children are safe from the interference of their grandparents whilst you are with him. Do not tell ex or his family where they are.

Sit for the hour, refrain from responding in any way. Time it carefully. Prepare yourself mentally in advance. You don't have to look at him. Be prepared for him to become emotional or angry and be prepared to remain unmoved. Get through the hour and on the dot, get up, walk out and don't look back.

Good luck to you OP and I'm so sorry for your situation.

I would do it, but I'd make sure the money was in escrow with a solicitor so there's no way of them backing out after the meeting.

Take the money and start a new life. For you and your little family. Good luck. Xxx

OP, this man will still have PR, and it’s unlikely that the sentence he will get will last until your children are 16. In my professional life I have come across this situation several times. I’ve also worked with people in prison. I’m sorry to say that, based on what you have said about him and his parents, it is highly likely that he and/or them will want to have contact with the children at some point. If you refuse then you are looking at court proceedings, which are very expensive unless you want to represent yourself. In your shoes I would take the money, get this sorted via a solicitor with the funds being transferred before the meeting. You can tell him exactly what he has done to your children and you. I don’t know if anyone else has mentioned this, but have you considered changing yours and the children’s surnames? It is highly likely that he will be reported in the local newspaper, he will definitely be listed on sex offender websites. You will need his permission to do this, but if he is feeling so awful at the moment, you could ask the solicitor to write to him about this. If he won’t agree you can tackle him about this at the meeting. You are being amazing, I’m glad that the therapy is helping, and it’s okay to feel angry. You are grieving for the life you thought that you had, and the future that you expected. Whatever crap gets thrown at you, there is always support for you here.

I would make a condition of you going to see him that he allows you to change your children's surnames to your surname/maiden name.

Makes me think the thread a while back about disowning a child. In this case yes I WOULD disown my son.

It's not dirty money OP so I would take it. And this is from someone who wouldn't accept dirty money a few years ago.
But I don't think you need to worry about the money as they have no intentions of giving it to you anyway, maybe a tiny amount that they deem one hour of your time to be worth but certainly not enough for you to start again elsewhere. Therefore they will never agree to having a written agreement or solicitors involved.
In your shoes I would absolutely cut contact with them and move far far away. Then when your H wants contact with your DC in years to come it will make it so much more difficult for him.

I think whatever you decide to do is ok, OP. This happened to a friend of mine - the pain was phenomenal. She has never seen her ex and moved a long way away to make a new life for herself and DC. Ex is in jail. I think she - and you- are amazing. You have no need to judge yourself whatever you decide to do.

What a horrible situation and what a horrible people.

I just want to echo pp insaying that you have nothing to be ashamed of and you do not owe him anything. Your children will understand if you take the money, they will not blame or judge you for it

Thank you for your kind words, @SchadenfreudePersonified it just makes me so angry that this still happens in the church. And you're absolutely right, it's the covering up of sexual abuse within the church is what has damaged its reputation, and destroyed so many lives.

I suspect there will be strings attached with this money otherwise they’d just give you it.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. X

Get legal advice. Taking that money would be a legal minefield as you are still married. You could end up in a worse financial position as you'd have assets that would be considered in a divorce.