AIBU to take his family's dirty money? **Sensitive thread about child abuse - title edited by MNHQ**

[devastatedanon]

NC for reasons that will become very obvious. Identifying details removed. There are things I have had to leave out so please forgive me for not filling in some of the blanks.

I have been married for 11 years. Two kids and I'm six months pregnant with our much wanted third baby. Good job, nice house, adoring man.

It was all a lie. You are the first people I've told and even writing this out anonymously makes me want to vomit.

Three months ago the man I married (I can't call him DH or even husband) was arrested for viewing and storing child abuse images. We aren't talking about a few questionable pictures, ones he could argue he thought they were of age. Babies. Toddlers. Thousands of pictures and film clips. After the usual pathetic attempts at lying, he confessed and I've been told that due to the severity and amount, he is going away for a very long time.

Good.

As soon as he confessed, every feeling, every good memory I had of us as a family died. He became less than nothing to me. (I am seeing a therapist by the way, so are the kids, she is helping me cope with this boiling, violent rage I feel every time I think of his face)

I never want to see him again. Ever. He has been contacting me to beg for an hour of my time to "explain". As if there is anything he could say to explain away this horror, to minimise the fact he was an active participant in destroying the lives of those poor children. As if there is anything he could say to soften the fact he has destroyed my life, our babies lives.

He says he just wants an hour and then I can walk away but I "owe him this small thing".

I hope everyone will agree I ANBU when I say I can't/won't see him. I can't guarantee what I'd do. I can't and I won't and the idea I owe him ANYTHING is disgusting and repulsive.

Here's the AIBU. I dont have much family and nobody local, so his family have always been a big part of our lives. His parents are religious and have decided to love the sinner, hate the sin.

(I can't express how that makes me feel. I don't have the words for my anger and disgust)

They agree I owe him an hour and are haranguing me about it. You can imagine their arguments - it was "only" pictures, I need closure, we need to agree what to tell the children, I am being hormonal, I am selfish etc etc...

For the record, there stopped being a "we" the very second he admitted to his crimes. That's my closure and I will tell my children what I want (no idea what yet, one for the therapist to help me with).

I want to cut them out too. They disgust me now. I can't bear the idea of people who support that man being around my little ones. But... I lost my job and the house will go back to the bank soon. They have said they will give me the money he was due to inherit if I meet him. He won't need it where he is going. I need to feed my kids and more than ever, I need to keep them safe.

Part of me thinks the right thing to do for my kids would be to see him, get through an hour and take their money. Isn't that what a good mother would do? Grit my teeth and bear it for the chance to provide for my children? Is it selfish to refuse, when I know the impact it will have on my kids? It's dirty money but dirty money buys food and clothes just as good as clean money and I would rather die than ever let the kids know how I got it.

I don't know what to do. If I do it, I can provide for my babies who are so innocent and don't deserve any more pain.

Also, if I don't do it, the kids won't see their grandparents or extended family again. Right now I don't want them to be near those people but it should be MY CHOICE. Not another punishment for the kids.

I don't know what to do. I'm crying again but I cry all the time now. I can't talk to anyone about this in RL and my best friends have ghosted me since the news came out. I'm alone and scared of making the wrong choice.

I was going to ask, what should I do but I think we are past moral judgements. So my question is, what would you do? What price would you pay? I don't even care about my own mental health at this stage, that ship has sailed but it's like I physically cannot be in a room with him.

Thanks for reading, I'll answer any questions I can but if I can't, I'll say so and I hope you understand why.

I would take the money, hold your nose and suffer the hour with the bastard. Get drunk first, whatever you need. It's going to be a hard road from here, put sympathy and empathy aside, do what you have to do for yourself and your children. It will be the first step in a long road. Don't make life harder for yourself by having to balance and worry about finances too, you have a get out for this part - take it

I'm so sorry you're even having to contemplate this OP x

I don't fully understand how they can give you what he would have inherited as they are still actually alive. This would make me question what exactly are they thinking of giving and when.

If it were me I would want to attempt to remove some emotion from the situation as well as safeguarding the deal. I'd do this by getting a solicitor involved to 'hold' the cash and release it once the visit has taken place. This way you will be assured that the cash is actually there IF you decide to go along with it. It would in effect become a business deal. They wouldn't be able to add any further conditions other than the one originally stipulated.

If they're not willing to go along with this then I'd forget it, I'd have to assume there's either no money or there was never any intention of handing it over without any further strings.

If they do go along with it, when the cash is sat there in the holding account, then you can really decide if you want to fulfill your end of the deal. Up until then, it's all ifs and buts and it's taking up valuable head space when I'm sure you've got enough to think about and straighten out.

Please take care.

Get drunk first - not sure telling a 6mths pregnant woman to get drunk is sound advice!

I am so sorry its a nightmare situation . God knows i would feel the same rage you feel if it were to happen to me.
Personally i wouldnt meet you can start again without their money. Contact womans aid. Shelter. Social services. Drs. Start asking for help to move. Take out an order to prevent any contact from them and him for the remainder of the childrens youth. You dont owe him or them anything . Yours and the childrens safety and mental health trumps his explanation. Eventaully this family will be cast out for supporting him. As for your friends ghosting you seems like they werent your friends to begin with utterly selfish behavioir on their part. You can start again and be free of them all.

Best wishes xx

Push to get the money, all of it, upfront. If they say they need to be sure you actually see him, tell them to get you a bank cheque, and they can drive you to deposit it and then to see him.

If they won’t agree to the money beforehand, then they either aren’t going to give it to you or there’s strings, so in that case tell them to fuck off and go no contact.

I read this last night but didn't answer as I really wanted to think about what I would do in your situation rather than just go with a quick gut reaction.
So here it is. Last night I would have said no don't. Today actually I think for the sake of the kids I would do it but only with conditions of my own. I would want something drawn up on paper and signed by solicitors that if I attend and hear what is said I am guaranteed a substantial sum of money. I would not promise to engage simply be there not speak. 1 hour no more, no kids contact with him ever.
After that contact with his family is up to the children and this money cannot be used as strings to keep in touch with them unless that is what they want.
However I think it's a chance for you to be able to walk away from the house and start fresh so yes I would do it

OP it's not that you have a price, you are securing your children's future, if you can guarantee you will get the money (legal agreement) and can physically stomach seeing him, do it, if for no other reason than to tell him how he had not only ruined the lives of you and your children, but those images are of real children they have suffered unbelievable anguish for his benefit and if there weren't men like him the would be no market for those images to be made. They must be mainly category A and I'd assume some sharing of images (distribution) and fantasies with others for him to be looking at a lengthy custodial sentence. I've worked with convicted sex offenders and their partners, a lot of the men don't fit the stereotype most people expect, it doesn't make them less dangerous, they are often highly manipulative , so just make sure if you meet him your guard is up, you say your piece and you leave when you decide to. I'm glad you and the children are getting counselling support. I also wanted to say his parents'reaction isn't as uncommon as you'd think, but don't let that make you think YABU you really are not. Good luck.

I feel so very sorry that you find yourself in this apalling situation. I think that I would take the money on the understanding that the exchange is done formally (via a solicitor?)and that you will only have to see this 'thing' (can't call him a man) for one hour and never again. Then I would walk away and have a fresh start in another part of the country and not tell anyone where you have gone so his family can never find you. Get a new phone and possibly even a new name for yourself and your children. I knew someone that this happened to (did not have any children of their own) and she suffered from PTSD, so getting all the support you can is so important. Good luck with everything x

I hate to say this and it makes me feel bad but... I would totally take the money and not do the visit

Totally do this without an ounce of guilt!! You and your children deserve it. Then run as far away from them as you can. I wish you all the very best for your future

Absolutely no way. They are trying to blackmail you to see a paedophile. Break contact. No amount of money in the world is worth this. You will be ok. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but you can and will do this. Without him. Without them.

Shitting hell, OP. What a truly awful thing to be going though. I'm so sorry.

I second those upthread who have given advice re solicitor and ensuring you have guaranteed access to the money if you agree to meet.

Please protect yourself from these awful people. They would really see their own Grandchildren homeless unless you agree to their terms? I wouldn't trust them as far as I could throw them. Not sure how that fits in with their religion either.

What a horrendous situation to find yourself in.

You can absolutely take the money, but there are a few issues that are raised:

How do they know how much inheritance their son will get? They might be broke when they die. This suggests it’s just being used to get you to do their bidding and as others have said there won’t actually be a large lump sum.

Any money they offer would have to be an agreed sum that would be paid to a solicitor until you had the hour meeting. The conditions of the meeting would also have to be agreed in writing and it would be down to 3rd parties to decide if they had been fufiled that way his parents couldn’t just decide to add conditions. If they refused these terms, walk away.

If you divorce, wouldn’t the money be considered a matrimonial asset so he may be entitled to some of it...others may know. Also, any house you purchased would have to be protected and I’m not sure if you could opt out of him gaining rights to it.

Personally, I would only accept money from his family if theybasically handed it over free of conditions and if they weren’t willing to do so then I’d walk away. As others have mentioned, this is a great place to find out what help you will get. If you walk away it will be incredibly hard but it will be on your terms. Best of luck OP

I would write to them and thank them for their kind and Christian offer of support to their grandchildren at this difficult time. you would like to accept the money on their behalf and their father is welcome to write letters to you and to them to be opened at an appropriate time. your counsellor doesn't however support you having a face to face meeting with their ds. this would flush out where their concerns and care really are. best of luck moving forward - a truly grim situation.

Why do they want you to see him, why does he want to see you, nothing he says will change anything. Where do they expect you to see him, not at their home I hope, is he in prison at the moment. If they care about you and their g.c, they could just give you some money now with no strings attached, if they want to forgive him that's their choice, it doesn't mean you have to. Have you contacted Shelter or the citizens advice, I'd rather see if I could get social housing, move away and start a new life. Do you have friends or family who can support you.

They are basically blackmailing you.

I’d spell out to them very clearly the impacts of their behaviour:
They force you to meet with a paedophile to secure your childrens’ Future
They withhold money from your D.C. as a punishment for you not supporting a paedophile

Perhaps ask them how blackmail and coercion align with their Christian values?
How important is their ggrandchildren’s Welfare to them that they’d risk it along with your mental health by enforcing conditions?

No you don’t want to engage with this.

Seek legal advice re: your husband’s assets. Speak to the council re rehoming, do the job benefits calculator to see what you’re entitled to.
You can do this OP

I don't trust the deal. They are awful people if they do not give their grandchildren the money in the first place. If it is genuine, take your therapist with you!

As an aside, I don't know if I could ever cut off my own child regardless of what they did. Hopefully I will never be in that position.

I would start the divorce. Then the money and house will be legally yours .

Are you allowed to meet him ?

Have you checked the remifications with SS if you meet him ?

That's understandable, @Cloglover but it's not actually the issue here. I can understand them not wanting to cut their 'D'S off, but bribing the OP is completely wrong and there's no way I could get past that.

Forgive me if anyone has mentioned this before. Child abusing does tend to be a cycle. I know it’s ‘just pictures’ as far as you know but I would wonder what the ex’s parents possible part in all this is. Not all cases are like this of course, but that would be a major concern of mine in having anything to do with them. They are bribing you to see him, and haranging you to do so. They should be falling over backwards in shame at what their son has done and supporting their grandchildren, no strings attached. I honestly don’t know what I would do, but at the least I’d want to get assurances of how the money will be transferred, when, at that there are no other conditions other than seeing the ex. So sorry, can’t imagine what you’re going through.

So sorry this has happened to your family. This must be an awful distress.
If you meet him I would do so with a neutral witness and behind a screen and get a proper explanation for your own sanity.
As for the money I would get in writing what the arrangement is, when it will be given, what control they have over it.
Then I would move back to where you came from where you do have family.

Hi OP,
I am so sorry to read what you are going through.

Most shocking is the suggestion that "you owe". You owe him, and them, nothing.

As PP have said, I do not trust the offer. Brace yourself that it isn't real. If there is any chance it is a genuine offer, I would get legal assistance. You need to be clear that the transaction is one hour, money transferred. And that after that you are free to get on with your life wherever you choose with no further interference. Given the comments about paying a smaller amount if you agree to sign the paperwork, I suspect they will use their money to control you both in relation to their son and their own relationship with the grandchildren.

What do they think meeting him for an hour will achieve?

I've been thinking about this a lot.The fact they are only going to give a small amount to begin with makes me especially wary. I am wondering if your ex's parents are trying to set up a dependency on them so they can apply to the courts for rights to access the grandchildren down the line. I really would be careful about accepting bits of money at a time and I suspect that further conditions are going to be attached.

I would question why they want you to visit him.It could it be that he wants to explain himself to you and they want to support him in that.

Or it could be a useful tool for them in explaining/mimising his behaviour to others eg 'his wife continued to visit him...' this could be to fairly benign people (at church) for preserving their image. Or much less benign situations (to the police, to social services, to school). You only have to visit once for this to become useful to them. Tread carefully. Don't assume you know their motives.

You sound fantastic. I hope you get through this as well as you can in such awful circumstances which are not of your doing.