AIBU to take his family's dirty money? **Sensitive thread about child abuse - title edited by MNHQ**

[devastatedanon]

NC for reasons that will become very obvious. Identifying details removed. There are things I have had to leave out so please forgive me for not filling in some of the blanks.

I have been married for 11 years. Two kids and I'm six months pregnant with our much wanted third baby. Good job, nice house, adoring man.

It was all a lie. You are the first people I've told and even writing this out anonymously makes me want to vomit.

Three months ago the man I married (I can't call him DH or even husband) was arrested for viewing and storing child abuse images. We aren't talking about a few questionable pictures, ones he could argue he thought they were of age. Babies. Toddlers. Thousands of pictures and film clips. After the usual pathetic attempts at lying, he confessed and I've been told that due to the severity and amount, he is going away for a very long time.

Good.

As soon as he confessed, every feeling, every good memory I had of us as a family died. He became less than nothing to me. (I am seeing a therapist by the way, so are the kids, she is helping me cope with this boiling, violent rage I feel every time I think of his face)

I never want to see him again. Ever. He has been contacting me to beg for an hour of my time to "explain". As if there is anything he could say to explain away this horror, to minimise the fact he was an active participant in destroying the lives of those poor children. As if there is anything he could say to soften the fact he has destroyed my life, our babies lives.

He says he just wants an hour and then I can walk away but I "owe him this small thing".

I hope everyone will agree I ANBU when I say I can't/won't see him. I can't guarantee what I'd do. I can't and I won't and the idea I owe him ANYTHING is disgusting and repulsive.

Here's the AIBU. I dont have much family and nobody local, so his family have always been a big part of our lives. His parents are religious and have decided to love the sinner, hate the sin.

(I can't express how that makes me feel. I don't have the words for my anger and disgust)

They agree I owe him an hour and are haranguing me about it. You can imagine their arguments - it was "only" pictures, I need closure, we need to agree what to tell the children, I am being hormonal, I am selfish etc etc...

For the record, there stopped being a "we" the very second he admitted to his crimes. That's my closure and I will tell my children what I want (no idea what yet, one for the therapist to help me with).

I want to cut them out too. They disgust me now. I can't bear the idea of people who support that man being around my little ones. But... I lost my job and the house will go back to the bank soon. They have said they will give me the money he was due to inherit if I meet him. He won't need it where he is going. I need to feed my kids and more than ever, I need to keep them safe.

Part of me thinks the right thing to do for my kids would be to see him, get through an hour and take their money. Isn't that what a good mother would do? Grit my teeth and bear it for the chance to provide for my children? Is it selfish to refuse, when I know the impact it will have on my kids? It's dirty money but dirty money buys food and clothes just as good as clean money and I would rather die than ever let the kids know how I got it.

I don't know what to do. If I do it, I can provide for my babies who are so innocent and don't deserve any more pain.

Also, if I don't do it, the kids won't see their grandparents or extended family again. Right now I don't want them to be near those people but it should be MY CHOICE. Not another punishment for the kids.

I don't know what to do. I'm crying again but I cry all the time now. I can't talk to anyone about this in RL and my best friends have ghosted me since the news came out. I'm alone and scared of making the wrong choice.

I was going to ask, what should I do but I think we are past moral judgements. So my question is, what would you do? What price would you pay? I don't even care about my own mental health at this stage, that ship has sailed but it's like I physically cannot be in a room with him.

Thanks for reading, I'll answer any questions I can but if I can't, I'll say so and I hope you understand why.

Honestly, I would do it if I was sure I could get the money and secure a home for my family. No job, about to lose your home... nothing immoral about trying to do something about that in my view. I also think that your husband owes your children some security.
So I'd speak to a solicitor. I'd want to 100% sure the money was in the bank, in my name and with no chance of it getting taken back. I'd then make that bloody visit and never see him again.
I would not make any on-going agreement re contact with grandparents etc.

None of you know how you will feel about this situation in a year's time. They might decide to stop supporting their son, who knows? But if you want to cut free and never see any of them again you need to be able to do that.

Hi I think I know who you're husband is, a long term friend of my brothers, the story is uncanny to the news we've been receiving.
If you want a sympathetic ear please let me know.

OP, there is no money

Your PILs have created this hellish false dilemma and put you through this torture where you feel like you have to chose between your children’s financial welfare and spending “just” an hour listening to him... and then never having to see him again.

That’s not true.

You know that’s not true.

Their aim is to get what their son wants right now. He wants to explain himself.

So they are doing this to you just to get him what he wants.

Ask yourself, will this be all he’s going to want? What will he want when the baby is born?

It’s been pointed out that he won’t be in jail forever. He needs the money for legal fees. He will need more once he gets out as he won’t have an easy time finding a job.

Ask yourself, do you think they would really prioritise the grandkids over him?

I don’t think they would... he will need their money so much more and he’ll have no one else, we’re his parents, they will reason.

The cruelest thing about this is that there is no money and they’ve put you through this hell to get their son what he wants.

At first I thought I'd say yes, sit for the hour without actually listening or replying and then take the money and start a new life far, far away from all of them.

But the more I thought about it the more I thought no, I don't think I would want to have that burden on me the rest of my life. And what's to say they won't use how you act during that hour to refuse to give you the money after you've done it? You didn't speak to him/you didn't listen/you didn't forgive him etc etc....

One hour is a tiny fraction of your life but may make a world of difference to your children's future.

See him, take a witness and a timer.

I sincerely doubt there is anything he can say that will change your views in any way. Some things are unforgivable

Maybe get in writing, in advance, that this one hour will be the end of it.. he has his say and you secure your children's future. Who to take with you could be a problem.. it needs to be someone very strong who won't interfere in any way, also unbiased. I wonder if a social worker would agree to be present?

Do it OP, or you will worry about it for the rest of your life. If his family are lying and you get nothing well, at least in your own mind you know that you tried. You can sit and 'listen' to him, no need for conversation even, just listen but think of something else and let all his excuses and probably tears wash over you

What a total shit of a man, I am so sorry that this has happened to you.It seem to be the most unlikely people who do this sort of thing, I knew a local lad since he was about 8 and thirty odd years later he was convicted for the very same thing; luckily for them he had no wife or children , but was the unlikeliest person I could have imagined.

I want to give you a big hug but would get drummed off Mnet for suggesting it ;)

TRIGGER WARNING

I agree with everything you say, @SchadenfreudePersonified

I'm also a Christian, coming to terms with what happened to my DSis and me at the hands of my abusive F and others. (It was a paedophile ring.) It's certain that there were church members who knew about it, but it was swept under the carpet, to protect the perpetrators. The justification was that they didn't want the Christian faith to be dragged through the mud.

The result of this was that DSis and I repressed our memories for a very long time, but came flooding back when we had young children l. Previously, I'd had images in my head for years that I couldn't place, and it was actually a relief to understand that I wasn't crazy but was suffering from PTSD.

They took pictures of what was happening, but it was before there was any internet thankfully. But that is what your H is watching, children's lives being ruined.

Unfortunately, this attitude persists, including the idea that the wife is to blame because she didn't look after his sexual needs. (They don't quite put it that way, but that's what it comes down to.) I have a friend whose daughter was abused by her stepfather and the church stood by him and she was the one who had to leave the church. The pastor actually told her she shouldn't involve the police.

It stinks to high heaven. It also goes very much against the Bible; Jesus says it would be better for those who hurt children to 'have a millstone around their necks and thrown into the sea.'

Forgiveness? I'm getting there. But forgiving doesn't mean that the perpetrators shouldn't face the consequences of their actions.

But there is no money, or very little.

They're offering enough money for 2 weeks shipping and child psychologist is, so what, £500?

They're offering fuck all.

*2 weeks shopping

I'm so sorry up that you are having to deal with this,we can all sit behind a screen and say what we 'think' what would be the right thing to do but only you can decide what is best for you and your family.
I think you are an incredibly strong woman who wants what's best for your family and I echo pps who have said seek legal advice regarding a divorce,perhaps citizens advice could help here. Also,speak to the bank,council and tax office regarding any benefits or tax credits that you are entitled to,again citizens advice could help here and keep speaking to your therapist.
In regards your 'in laws' (and I use that term loosely), don't do anything or sign anything till you have your ducks in a row so to speak as I agree that there will be strings attached to this 'money and you may find they will attach conditions to your acceptance of it.
Please remember that you are a strong confident woman even when it feels like your world is crumbling round you and you will get through this,try to reconnect with your own family not the in laws.
Hugs and flowers and try to keep talking as much as possible even if it's behind a screen on mumsnet xxxxxx

You said in your opening post it was an inheritance, but in later posts it becomes only enough for a couple of weeks food shopping.

Your situation would have meant social services involvement. What conditions have they placed on you for contact with him and how do you think it will look if they get wind of you visiting him?

I think OP meant they've agreed to a small advance once she signs the form to agree to the visit then will get the rest when she actually visits.

I’ve never posted on a thread like this before, but I had to tell you what an amazing woman you are .

I know someone who raped over 20 little girls, and he got 7 years (as he admitted guilt at the 12th hour) and was out after 4 years. So your husband might not get as long a sentence as you think, and certainly could be out in half the time.

Meet him and then take the money, and run as far as you can, change your names and get you and your children safe. Like the other posters have said, get a solicitor, make sure it’s iron clad, they can never contact you again. Remember if nothing had happened and you’d divorced him for other reasons, half the money would be yours anyway.

Stay safe and look after yourself and your children, build yourselves a new and happy life.

The money isn't dirty, but may be a unicorn

Hardly anyone, even the very wealthy, have several 100k that is immediately accessible for transfer
AND

as pp say, it may in reality turn out to be only £500 doled out every couple of weeks,
to keep you dependent and under their control

Receiving a fortune without conditions other than that one hour sounds most unlikely, when they are clearly so controlling and so supportive of their paedophile son.

Do not trust them to be honest and keep promises
I recommend refusing, unless they fulfill all these conditions:

• A legally binding contract, checked by YOUR solicitor whom they must pay directly in advance

• The money has to be actual money (not property or shares) to be transferred - BEFORE any meeting - to the bank account of your solicitor

• A higher down payment on signing, to tide you over - at least 5k not £500.
  That's not enough to build a new life, but enough to stop you being absolutely desperate and vulnerable to their last minute whims.

• No conditions as to what you must say or do, other than attend a meeting for one hour
  No conditions that you must fulfill after that 1 hour

AND that 1hr must be with your solicitor present, to ensure he doesn't con you into making any binding commitment

They may refuse to pay the money unless their son says he is satisfied by the outcome of the meeting

• any contract must state the money is to be paid regardless of how the meeting goes, other than that you stay for 1 hour.

Ignore them. Can you contact a refuge? Xxx

The poster above mine seems like a good plan. X

He will almost certainly come out of jail while your DC are still kids
With their money for top lawyers, he may even get a suspended or light sentence

The money would help you cope with this - IFF you actually get it, in full

Actually, thinking about it, if you visit him in prison, this may be evidence against you in the future in relation to social services. I'd talk with any social worker you have to ascertain if a one-off visit for closure would be viewed negatively. I certainly wouldn't do anything the PIL want whilst they are dangling a carrot whilst letting your mortgage grind to a halt. They clearly don't have your best interests at heart and may well use what you do against you in the future (e.g. for future access, access to grandchildren which they probably won't get but may try for if they are wealthy etc).

Sorry haven't RFT but must say that PIL are complicit in the crimes by acting as flying monkeys. The bribe, if it ever materialises, is to keep tabs on you and look after their son's interests whilst he's in prison.

For your own honour and safety you must make a clean break and never have any contact with any of these people again.

Start confiding in those who can help you, Citizen's Advice, Women's Aid and so on - there is a way out of this for you, don't let insincere offers of money dazzle you.

Firstly OP, I am so very sorry that you and your children have been dropped into this. I'm sure you already know this, but none of it is your fault and there is nothing that you could have done to change this. Now, practicalities:

1. GP's - I would send either email or letter setting out clearly that you are declining. Something along the lines of, Dear X, having reflected on your offer I am declining. I understand that you have chosen to support your son, and that there may be a misguided belief that as he only viewed it is a lesser offence. However, without "viewers" like your son there would be no reason for these children to have suffered. Paedophilia is a supply and demand market. Your son created a demand, others supplied on that basis. Your offer only enhances his ability to exert coercion and control over myself and my children. I feel this would likely be the beginning of further attempts to emotionally blackmail me under the thin guise of doing what is right for my children. If you would like to support your grandchildren because it is the right and (insert name of religion) thing to do then of course I would be happy to discuss, but I would hope you understand I have to do what is right by them.
2. the house - try and get it sold rather than having the bank take it.
3. social services - get them on board. If this man serves a shorter custodial sentence than the length of time it will take your children to reach an age where they can decide what contact (if any) they want with him, social services will be the ones undertaking the assessment to see whether that can happen. I know they have a bad reputation for some but truthfully they will help you keep your children safe (I work with them, honestly, make them an ally from the earliest point). Same with any health visitor and school nurse. He has no credibility left, give yourself a major head start.
4. legal advice - get in touch with local universities law schools. Without you needing to disclose your location OP, the University of Law and the BPP college both undertake some pro bono work, I'm sure others will too. Although yes they are students they are often more up to date especially on recent cases with wider impact and will be supervised. If they can't help they are likely to be able to put you in touch with someone who can.
5. the important bit - hug your children, be kind to yourself. Anger, rage, fury, disappointment, grief - there isn't an emotion in this situation that isn't okay to feel. Some women even feel relief, that they found out and were able to protect other children and their own. It's normal, work with your therapists and good luck. You are incredibly brace, strong and resilient. You will get through this and you will make a new and happy life without this monster in it x

Haven't rtft but just wanted to express my support for you. You are amazing. He is dirt. Don't EVER let him near your kids again. Ever.
Families who welcome back child abusers make me sick to the core. They are condoning what their son did by 'loving the sinner'. This will do untold damage to you kids If they remain in contact with their father or his family.
Meet him for an hour and bleed the bastards dry. It's the least they owe you

I'd get the parents to put it in writing, somehow making it legal (solicitor?) that if you see the bastard for the hour, as they ask, you'll get the money. I'd try and see it as something I'm doing for the future of my kids.

I have nothing more to add OP other than I am so so sad for you and so sorry. There are no words for the awfulness of this.

Take. The. Money.

And run.

He might not go away ....a loving father of two near us has recently done the same thing ..."accidentally" downloaded so images ..even Cat A and B but mostly C.
He got suspended sentence and community service.
At least I know the vile man won't be able to come into school where his kids and my kids go!
Take the dirty money ....your kids deserve it!!!!

"I don’t see why the op needs to make her dc available to his wider family for the rest of her life."

Me neither, especially the way the Gps are behaving now.

He's their son, they must be conflicted & the relationship they want with him from here is up to them.

But they are trying to force Op to see him!

Why would they do that?

As a pp has said, if they were concerned about Op & their GC, they'd be helping out already in any way that they could.