AIBU to take his family's dirty money? **Sensitive thread about child abuse - title edited by MNHQ**

[devastatedanon]

NC for reasons that will become very obvious. Identifying details removed. There are things I have had to leave out so please forgive me for not filling in some of the blanks.

I have been married for 11 years. Two kids and I'm six months pregnant with our much wanted third baby. Good job, nice house, adoring man.

It was all a lie. You are the first people I've told and even writing this out anonymously makes me want to vomit.

Three months ago the man I married (I can't call him DH or even husband) was arrested for viewing and storing child abuse images. We aren't talking about a few questionable pictures, ones he could argue he thought they were of age. Babies. Toddlers. Thousands of pictures and film clips. After the usual pathetic attempts at lying, he confessed and I've been told that due to the severity and amount, he is going away for a very long time.

Good.

As soon as he confessed, every feeling, every good memory I had of us as a family died. He became less than nothing to me. (I am seeing a therapist by the way, so are the kids, she is helping me cope with this boiling, violent rage I feel every time I think of his face)

I never want to see him again. Ever. He has been contacting me to beg for an hour of my time to "explain". As if there is anything he could say to explain away this horror, to minimise the fact he was an active participant in destroying the lives of those poor children. As if there is anything he could say to soften the fact he has destroyed my life, our babies lives.

He says he just wants an hour and then I can walk away but I "owe him this small thing".

I hope everyone will agree I ANBU when I say I can't/won't see him. I can't guarantee what I'd do. I can't and I won't and the idea I owe him ANYTHING is disgusting and repulsive.

Here's the AIBU. I dont have much family and nobody local, so his family have always been a big part of our lives. His parents are religious and have decided to love the sinner, hate the sin.

(I can't express how that makes me feel. I don't have the words for my anger and disgust)

They agree I owe him an hour and are haranguing me about it. You can imagine their arguments - it was "only" pictures, I need closure, we need to agree what to tell the children, I am being hormonal, I am selfish etc etc...

For the record, there stopped being a "we" the very second he admitted to his crimes. That's my closure and I will tell my children what I want (no idea what yet, one for the therapist to help me with).

I want to cut them out too. They disgust me now. I can't bear the idea of people who support that man being around my little ones. But... I lost my job and the house will go back to the bank soon. They have said they will give me the money he was due to inherit if I meet him. He won't need it where he is going. I need to feed my kids and more than ever, I need to keep them safe.

Part of me thinks the right thing to do for my kids would be to see him, get through an hour and take their money. Isn't that what a good mother would do? Grit my teeth and bear it for the chance to provide for my children? Is it selfish to refuse, when I know the impact it will have on my kids? It's dirty money but dirty money buys food and clothes just as good as clean money and I would rather die than ever let the kids know how I got it.

I don't know what to do. If I do it, I can provide for my babies who are so innocent and don't deserve any more pain.

Also, if I don't do it, the kids won't see their grandparents or extended family again. Right now I don't want them to be near those people but it should be MY CHOICE. Not another punishment for the kids.

I don't know what to do. I'm crying again but I cry all the time now. I can't talk to anyone about this in RL and my best friends have ghosted me since the news came out. I'm alone and scared of making the wrong choice.

I was going to ask, what should I do but I think we are past moral judgements. So my question is, what would you do? What price would you pay? I don't even care about my own mental health at this stage, that ship has sailed but it's like I physically cannot be in a room with him.

Thanks for reading, I'll answer any questions I can but if I can't, I'll say so and I hope you understand why.

If it was just enough for a few weeks groceries I'd refuse the money. If it was enough to start again elsewhere then I would consider it and then move without a forwarding address. The hardship is caused by that man not you.

Maybe agree to see him WITH at least one member of his family present and your lawyer. Get a legal document drawn up before so that there are no doubts about the amount of money and when it is to be handed over. Then they can hear what he has to say as well as you. So they know what they are doing to you. So they have to hear his excuses and justifications and they can hear you say that there ARE no excuses and justifications. And insist they take the money order or bankers draft with them to the meeting and that it is handed over immediately the meeting is finished in the presence of your lawyer.

Sorry, I’ve only read the first page,

Listen, if I were you, I would want to know a few things, how quickly would you get the money to restart? No good being told you’ll get £100k or so to start over, if you’ll be waiting until after your 3rd child is born and you’ve lost the house, by which point it’s a futile sort of offer. I would accept if the money was to stop any further mess being created, but if it were to only help to clear up the mess of losing the house and you’ve had to manage a new baby with no money you’ve suffered unnecessarily.

Also, just want to say I’m fuming on your behalf at the “owe this much” you owe him nothing. You know what he is, you know what he was doing.... all the while you were living a settled, loving family life with him. He had you duped. A life that was created on the basis of him hiding what he was doing. You owe him nothing at all, and I don’t blame you for wanting to cut the family out either, if they thinks it’s not that bad I’d be keeping them well away from the children.

I fear that the ILS will drag out giving you the money as to keep contact open, but sadly their choice needs to be between the GC and their Paedophile son, because they aren’t able to see him as he actually is, they won’t understand there’s a choice to be made, and will blindly stand beside Him.

I wish you all the luck in the world. I can’t imaging how hard this is emotionally for you

I'd meet him. for you.

I don’t see why the op needs to make her dc available to his wider family for the rest of her life.

As gps they have no right to see the children.

OP is there any way that your ex is doing this to get you the money off his parents for the children? Just a thought. l think these strange thoughts sometimes , the way my brain works sorry m'dear if that thought offends you in an way.
I don't know what you can do but if you meet him then make sure you have the money sown up as tight as a ducks wotsit before you do.

I ask for the money up front.

Then don’t meet him.

Tell them you did meet him and he is lying.

don't take the money. They will use that to get you to see him again, to have an influence on your kids lives, to tell them how wonderful daddy was, to maybe even go behind your back re: contact between the kids and their dad. They will hold it over you forever.

Do you have family you can stay with etc?

Take the money but make sure it's paid in advance or to a trusted 3rd party so they can't stiff you. As much as you dislike it you probably can't stop the extended family having contact with your DC - they can take you to court for access if necessary. The fact that they are bribing you shows them in very poor light as they should want to help their own family.

Take the money. Cut them all out.

I wouldn’t be so sure he’ll go away for a long time. A guy we know got done for having thousands upon thousands of revolting pictures and worse and he ended up serving under three years.

Firstly, so sorry OP - this is a terrible situation.

I haven't read the whole thread but I think people are being a bit harsh on the PIL here. They are probably shocked and hurting too, and quite possibly in denial (a common reaction) which may be behind their apparent attempts to minimise his crimes. And don't forget, you can divorce husbands but not children. They are probably having great pain and trouble reconciling that their beloved son is capable of such things. Of course cutting complete contact with your ex is the right thing to do, but be careful of making the decision to cut all ties with his family. Wait and see how things go - you kids have lost their dad, and they might need their grandparents in the future.

Oh and take the money - it isn't dirty money. His parents don't sound like inherently evil people.

OP I feel for you and your children so much being put into this nightmare.
I am choosing my words carefully as I write as this has happened in my extended family. My cousin was arrested for similar offences- don't know the details but he did not get a custodial sentence. This was over ten years ago and I still remember the cold sick feeling of horror. His wife left him and divorced hi as soon as she could. His children who were teenagers are now lovely young adults. Two are married. His daughter does not see him at all. His sons see him a bit casually. His exwife has moved cities, has a great job and friends and looks really happy. We all make great efforts to stay in touch with her and the children and in some ways it has made the relationships stronger. I hope and believe she knows how we all love and value her.

My cousin used to be quite arrogant, extrovert and loved the good things in life. He is now a lonely, underemployed man with few friends, fractured relationships with his family and struggling to make the rent. As a family we decided to keep a relationship going with him - we see him maybe twice a year and he joins our family for Christmas. This decision was led by my parents who were elderly and conservative and completely horrified and disbelieving. The one certainty that they had was that this was their sister's boy and they could not cut him off no matter how revolted they were by the crime.

I guess what I want to say to you is that you and your dc will get through this and rebuild your lives no matter what you do about the money. You do not need to see his family ever again- it has worked differently for us but your first duty is to protect yourself and your dc as you are doing. I agree with pps that using a solicitor may be a way to minimise the manipulation. I feel for you very much and hope you can get through this nightmare bit and start to feel like you have a new life soon.

Despite their fathers actions, the children will still need to maintain some sort of relationship with their wider family.

They don't, you know. Not if those extended family members are supporting a child abuser and minimising his crimes.

OP please be very very careful. His parents will continue to use the money to blackmail you into doing what they want. It won't be "just an hour with him" and then you'll receive a nice lump sum. They are manipulating you.

Why do they want you to spend this magical hour with him? So that he can make a load of excuses and bully you into staying with him?

I think it's extremely unlikely that they will allow you to just listen to what he has to say, and then give you his inheritance, and let you go on your way! They want you to stay with him, they will want you to allow him to see their grandchildren. They are trying to preserve their respectability, and their relationships with their son and their grandchildren.

He won't go to prison for as long as you think (possibly not at all - some get away with suspended sentences if the are of 'previously good character )

You will not see more than a token amount of this money. Extricate yourself from this family now.

If they really cared about you and their grandchildren - they would give you that money now. They don't - they care about themselves and their son. Sorry

They sound manipulative to me, not ‘shocked and hurting’.
‘Shocked and hurting’ People would ensure their Gc had food, they wouldn’t put conditions on it

I fear that the ILS will drag out giving you the money as to keep contact open

That is why I think signing a proper contract and getting them to pay the money into the solicitors account to be dispersed by the solicitor as and when.

It will be telling if they start putting any objections up or the money isn’t readily available or they start adding extra strings to the contract.

Awful decision to have to make but I would look long term. If you don’t have the money to make a new life away somewhere else then you could be stuck with his parents wanting to see the children, hassling you to go and see him. I doubt they are just going to give up if you say no to the money.
Being in the same area years from now when he gets out of prison and then you will be really in a dreadful position.

Look on it as a horrible 60 minutes which will give you and your children choices.

Would not do it if there is no contract and money in place.

I can't imagine the GP's have started from the point of 'How can we bribe OP to meet with our son for the hour he wants....let's offer her thousands from his inheritance'. Maybe more that they can see the position you are in, were considering offering the money anyway and now the issue of this hour has come up, have thought to make one conditional upon the other. But their emotions are with their son so be very wary. Once the hour was over, if the conversation hadn't had the outcomes their son wants, they could well try to add extra strings.

But money buys essentials and provides for your children and if you are in a financial position where you are about to lose you house ..he will be in prison, so not earning and therefore no child maintenance coming your way. ..and you have just lost your job, you and the children need money to set up again.

Thinking six months into the fuure, the stress of your view that the money is immoral, is a lot less on all of you than the stress of drowning in debt and bring unable to feed and house your DC adequately. Looking after 3 DC on your own is tough enough without huge money worries and you'll be a less stressed parent if the rent and council tax are paid and you can afford nappies and school shoes. That will have the biggest impact on the children's lives now.

I think there is a thing called escrow that a solicitor can do to hold money in a neutral account pending a transfer (ask a genuine solicitor under the half hour free advice scheme. ...your CAB will have a list - do not trust online companies). It obviously costs £ but would be a guarantee that the money would come to you after that hour whatever the outcome. If the GP's are not willing to do this, you will know it was not a serious offer. If it goes ahead you could make it clear that the hour is for discussion about the children's futures, not for his apologies or explanations. Would he accept a mediator being present? Again a solicitor could arrange this and help structure the conversation. Would be very hard for your ex or the GP's to challenge.

Good luck and hold your head up. This in no way reflects on you and I am furious on your behalf at your flakey friends.

So sorry OP. I think you have to be a bit mercenary for the sake of your children. Take the money and then leave the area, rebuild your life in a new place and go NC with his family. Do what you have to do to get by. And stop thinking so meanly of yourself. You don’t “have a price”. You were married to a monster and it’s ALL his fault.

Just as pps have said. Firstly you are an amazingly strong woman and a brilliant mother doing whatever her children need. Id say visit, take the money and run. So sorry you're going through this.

Why are people saying 'take the money'? There is no money.

The grandparents have made their grandchildren's inheritance conditional on their mother meeting with their abusive son.
Good people wouldn't do that.

I disagree, when people are shocked and hurting they frequently act in illogical and hurtful ways to others. Of course they could be evil, cold, manipulative aresholes - they do exist (the OP is best placed to judge), but I think the former option more likely given the circumstances. I stand by the opinion that waiting and seeing how things go, before making any concrete decisions regarding contact with gps, is the most sensible approach.

I would bet he will blame his dad and his dad will play along to keep the family together.

Take the money up front and keep it for your children. Don’t meet him. A lie is nothing to someone so bad, I bet he will blame someone else and make up some elaborate story.

It’s awful. I’m so sorry.

Name changed for this bit

The church thing - my dh was supported through a shitty childhood by a beloved family friend. He took him under his wing and got him to school on time etc
If dh wouldn’t go to school, his mum would ring the friend who’d come and chivvy dh out of bed and take him to school

I met dh. Absolutely hated family friend. He hated me. He bad mouthed me to dh family as I was a cheap slag etc
Dh started spending less time with family friend the minute he met me. But still sometimes did see him
3 or so years later (we met at 15/16) family friend went to prison for child sex offences. Dh family STILL said ‘but he was so good to dh’ ...
Roll on however many years and he’s out of prison and living locally again.
He joined the in laws FUCKING church and started visiting YOUNG offenders on their behalf. But it was ok!! Because he was never alone with them
I used to bring this up frequently- what if they contacted him when out of prison themselves? Was this not just fucking grooming? How could they sit in church with him with small children around KNOWING he liked pre pubescent boys? (Incidentally he was always known to be gay by the family - I know gay doesn’t mean paedo), why would the pastor let him visit vulnerable MALE young offenders?
Always an answer. He’d learned his lesson, god forgives repenters, he wasn’t alone with them, he was a good man, he’d been so good to dh growing up.
He thankfully had a massive heart attack and dropped dead 👍🏻
In laws then both die within a year of each other and dh discloses FINALLY that his amazing ‘uncle’ had been abusing him and his friends since he was 9
That he blackmailed dh to not disclose as apparently I’d leave him, family would disown him. Etc
And the fucking church ⛪ welcomed him

I’ve gone off in my own angry rant haven’t I. But what I’m saying is that bloody religion is too forgiving
And I’m sorry if I’ve offended anyone religious but hey ho

I think I would do it, for the kids. As long as I was sure that they would come through with the money.
One hour in exchange for financial security and the chance to move on.

But I can also absolutely see why you wouldn't want to.

for you x

To the PP who said the children need to keep contact with wider family, -absolutely not.

His family are sympathisers of their paedophile family member, they believe his actions “aren’t that bad”
Anyone who is morally corrupt enough to blindly support someone who watches children being abused for their own sexual gratification, is not to be trusted around children at all.

Where would the line be drawn? When the GPs who believe their son isn’t a danger leaves prison and has no place to go but their house? And the grandchildren start to see their paedophile father - all secret from the mum?

Nopety nope nope.

Best thing for OP is to run as far away as possible and start over where no one will judge her for the exes actions and she will not spend her life being harassed by her ex ILs.