AIBU to take his family's dirty money? **Sensitive thread about child abuse - title edited by MNHQ**

[devastatedanon]

NC for reasons that will become very obvious. Identifying details removed. There are things I have had to leave out so please forgive me for not filling in some of the blanks.

I have been married for 11 years. Two kids and I'm six months pregnant with our much wanted third baby. Good job, nice house, adoring man.

It was all a lie. You are the first people I've told and even writing this out anonymously makes me want to vomit.

Three months ago the man I married (I can't call him DH or even husband) was arrested for viewing and storing child abuse images. We aren't talking about a few questionable pictures, ones he could argue he thought they were of age. Babies. Toddlers. Thousands of pictures and film clips. After the usual pathetic attempts at lying, he confessed and I've been told that due to the severity and amount, he is going away for a very long time.

Good.

As soon as he confessed, every feeling, every good memory I had of us as a family died. He became less than nothing to me. (I am seeing a therapist by the way, so are the kids, she is helping me cope with this boiling, violent rage I feel every time I think of his face)

I never want to see him again. Ever. He has been contacting me to beg for an hour of my time to "explain". As if there is anything he could say to explain away this horror, to minimise the fact he was an active participant in destroying the lives of those poor children. As if there is anything he could say to soften the fact he has destroyed my life, our babies lives.

He says he just wants an hour and then I can walk away but I "owe him this small thing".

I hope everyone will agree I ANBU when I say I can't/won't see him. I can't guarantee what I'd do. I can't and I won't and the idea I owe him ANYTHING is disgusting and repulsive.

Here's the AIBU. I dont have much family and nobody local, so his family have always been a big part of our lives. His parents are religious and have decided to love the sinner, hate the sin.

(I can't express how that makes me feel. I don't have the words for my anger and disgust)

They agree I owe him an hour and are haranguing me about it. You can imagine their arguments - it was "only" pictures, I need closure, we need to agree what to tell the children, I am being hormonal, I am selfish etc etc...

For the record, there stopped being a "we" the very second he admitted to his crimes. That's my closure and I will tell my children what I want (no idea what yet, one for the therapist to help me with).

I want to cut them out too. They disgust me now. I can't bear the idea of people who support that man being around my little ones. But... I lost my job and the house will go back to the bank soon. They have said they will give me the money he was due to inherit if I meet him. He won't need it where he is going. I need to feed my kids and more than ever, I need to keep them safe.

Part of me thinks the right thing to do for my kids would be to see him, get through an hour and take their money. Isn't that what a good mother would do? Grit my teeth and bear it for the chance to provide for my children? Is it selfish to refuse, when I know the impact it will have on my kids? It's dirty money but dirty money buys food and clothes just as good as clean money and I would rather die than ever let the kids know how I got it.

I don't know what to do. If I do it, I can provide for my babies who are so innocent and don't deserve any more pain.

Also, if I don't do it, the kids won't see their grandparents or extended family again. Right now I don't want them to be near those people but it should be MY CHOICE. Not another punishment for the kids.

I don't know what to do. I'm crying again but I cry all the time now. I can't talk to anyone about this in RL and my best friends have ghosted me since the news came out. I'm alone and scared of making the wrong choice.

I was going to ask, what should I do but I think we are past moral judgements. So my question is, what would you do? What price would you pay? I don't even care about my own mental health at this stage, that ship has sailed but it's like I physically cannot be in a room with him.

Thanks for reading, I'll answer any questions I can but if I can't, I'll say so and I hope you understand why.

Cut contact with them. The next thing will be dangling money in front of you if you take the kids to see him, then something else. If they feel the need to blackmail you with money they know you need for their grandkids then they are horrible people. They are blackmailing you with money to pay for the psychiatrist that the kids need because of the damage their pedophile son caused?! They're thinking and actions are so severely fucked up it's unreal. You need to protect yourself and the children from all of them. I am so sorry for what is happening and hope you have real life support somewhere.

Firstly, I am very sorry for the complete nightmare you’re going through. I can’t even imagine it.

Next, this is out and out blackmail. There’s no other word for it.

Next, it’s quite touching that so many posters believe the grandparents are:

a) ever going to agree to put the money in escrow

b) that they have the entirety of their son’s inheritance in liquid assets to just give to you right now

I’ve had more experience with manipulative scum than most, and I’m just a little more cynical.

Most people’s inheritances are tied up in their main property, shares etc. They aren’t accessible until the person giving them is dead. How long will that wait be? I’m 99% sure they won’t be giving you any money until you’ve thoroughly danced to their tune.

I completely understand how you’d need to swallow your pride and take the money, no judgement on that at all. I firmly believe that you will never see a significant sum from them on the basis of one hour’s meeting. If they had any, any intention of doing the right thing for their grandchildren, they would give you the money upfront and no questions asked. That they won’t speaks volumes.

OP I really feel for you. Its an awful, horrendous situation. I don't know what I would do in your position, but, I would seek legal advise.

1. Can your ex solicitor use your visit and state that you're 'a supportive wife, she has visited the prison' etc
2. How do you go about divorcing him whilst he is in prison - as far as I know you will need the family court judge to grant the divorce without the permission of the husband.
3. Is your house and mortgage in joint names? You won't be able to sell the house without ex permission or signature, you will need to have both transferred legally to you before you can pursue any sale.
4. You need parental responsibility to be changed solely to you - anything you need to do for your children, ie passports, school applications etc. Even changing all your names.
5. Look into having an injunction applied for that he will not be able to have any contact with any of you, during his sentence and once he's released.
6. As you have lost your job, was this connected to your husbands arrest? Check that you haven't been wrongly dismissed.

Once you have the answers to the above, then I would consider whether or not to take the money. Good luck 🍀

Previous posters make very valid points. Set it up as a legal agreement - it is your children's inheritance, not dirty money.
Use the hour by taking your solicitor and sorting out finances - taking his name off house etc (for his kids benefit obvs)
Your solicitor can advise on anything else you need to get him to agree to.
Once it is done with I would be tempted to ask the grandparents how they would feel if it was their grandchildren in these disgusting pictures, would they look so favourably on the viewer then? They are minimising the reality behind the pictures, almost treating them as comics / drawings / fantasy and not real children.
I can't begin to imagine how you feel op. Your best friends are arseholes, showing their true colours, real friends would be there for you.
You have no blame. Feel no guilt at taking your children's inheritance to help them when they need it most. You have no obligation to his parents afterwards.

Take the cash, meet him, sit there say fuck all, leave him, hope he rots, enjoy life and a new start with a few quid behind you.

Get the money in advance. Sit there and say nothing, you don’t have to listen to him, you don’t have to say anything or agree.

This, if you can bring yourself to do it - but take someone with you. Neither of you need speak. You don't even have to look at him. He wants to "explain" - let him "explain" to your back.

And I would also add that I am a Christian, and I thoroughly believe in forgiveness, BUT in my opinion:

1. No-one - NO-ONE - has the right to "forgive" a wrong that has been done to someone else. The only people who can forgive vile effers like your ex are the children who were brutalised and abused for his filthy enjoyment. If he had raped his mother and sodomised his father, would they have been so quick to forgive him? If he had desecrated the church/ mosque/ synagogue/ gurdwara/ whatever building they worship in? I'll bet they wouldn't.

2. Forgiveness is a process - it's not a switch you can flip and make everything all rosy again. It is hard work, and full of anger and pain, and can take years to achieve* - if they are "forgiving" him this easily, they don't care about what he has done. They honestly don't CARE that he , and others like him, have been the cause of untold suffering for hundreds, THOUSANDS, of innocent, helpless children.

3. Forgiveness is very hard to achieve in any circumstances if the person who has offended doesn't accept and acknowledge and repent the wrong they have done - REALLY accept and acknowledge and repent, and be sorry for it because of the pain they have caused to the people who have been hurt by it (and that includes you and your family). Your husband doesn't care about anyone except himself. He's sorry he's been caught. He wants you to tell him what a wonderful guy he is, and how he just made a silly mistake etc etc etc, so he can go on pretending to himself that he is really a good person at heart. He isn't.

If you go, (and I think I would if I could possibly force myself to, because he has compromised all of your futures, and your children need stability) - IF you go,

1. get the money up front, in your bank, before you do (none of the "we'll leave it to you when we die" crap - you need it now and that is the only reason why you are even giving this idea headspace.)

2. take someone with you - a friend, family member, pay a solicitor if you must, for their time (once the money is in your bank - it'll be worth a couple of hundred quid). You do not want to be with him alone and vulnerable - you will most likely break down, you could become violent and abusive (he will push your buttons), and you will be outnumbered by him and his so-called "religious" family - you'll need someone on your side to protect your interests, and to take you home afterwards. You won't be able to drive, and don't want to be weeping in the back of a taxi.

3. don't look at him, don't speak to him, and leave on the DOT of the hour, even if he's half-way through a sentence. Not a word. Sit in silence, back to him if you can, otherwise stare beyond him at the wall or ceiling, or read a book - whatever, then when time is up, silently get up and leave.

YOU OWE HIM NOTHING! He has poisoned all of your lives.

His "religious" family should be ashamed. Where is their compassion for their grandchildren, and for you, that they don't just make this financial assistance forthcoming without any strings attached? People like this give faith a bad name. I wonder if all of their "church"* is rallying round them and praying for his soul, when they should be condemning his vile actions and praying for the poor children damaged by his selfish sexual indulgence.

Take his money, go, and have nothing more to do with any of them. You will need to work hard yourself to put this horror behind you. His fame may try to push blame onto you (if you had been a better wife etc) - don't accept it. Only one person is to blame here and that is him. A wonderful book on coming to terms with the anger and pain of a horrible action is "If you sit very still" by Marion Partington. Her sister, Lucy, was one of the victims of Fred and Rosemary West. Her situation isn't the same as yours, of course, but the shock and rage are. These emotions can destroy you if you aren't able to put them behind you. Make sure that you get the help you need to ope with this horrible situation which is not of your making.

• "church" in inverted commas because I don't know what faith they are

*his family - not fame - may try to push blame onto you

sorry - very angry fingers!

OP I am so sorry you're in this situation.

I don't think your options are as simple as going to see him or not going to see him though. There are lots of different alternative situations that could come from this.

You could suggest a telephone call instead?

You could go speak with their pastor? (I'd be inclined to say that God has spoken to you and said that He disapproves of their financial blackmail over a vulnerable woman and their grandkids but then I'm a cunt)

You could fight fire with fire. You have the grandchildren and whilst I, usually, would NEVER suggest using the children as weapons I do think in these circumstances I would be telling the GPs that I find their financial blackmail to be abusive and therefore will no longer be allowing the children to see them if it continues. (Whatever happens though I would still go NC with them in due course over their disgusting manipulative blackmail - but I'd happily let them believe they had a chance to still be a part of childrens lives if they drop the blackmail BS).

You could tell them you're going to seek help from the pastor and see if a collection could be made in church to see to it that the children won't be going hungry whilst their father is locked up for such a vile thing - I imagine that would bring them a huge amount of shame and they would be mortified at the thought, I bet they'd soon see to it that the children have food!

You could ask them to come to a therapy session with you, say that it will help you all deal with the situation but then raise the subject of the blackmail there. It would be interesting to watch their reactions!

You are stronger than you think, you have more power and control over this situation than you think. Once you have the money then leave and never look back, go NC and use the GPs blackmail as a motivator to be becoming completely financially independant. Anger can be used as a tool to spur you on if channelled correctly. You can do this OP, you can leave this shit storm behind you and create a wonderful life for you and your children.

Oh my goodness op.

Firstly so sorry for your loss, of the life you thought you had. I imagine this is like a bereavement only worse.

I started off at the beginning of the thread thinking just do it. Grit your teeth, sit with your back to him etc. But after reading the update about getting a couple of weeks money for signing the papers I thought what the hell!!!! These are not loving people! They don't care about you or the kids. Unless you take the very practical advice of ensuring 100% that they pay the money I'd tell the to get fucked!

There isn't a right answer, which means there isn't a wrong one either. Get some practical help from citizens advice about housing, benefits etc. If you work out your own plan maybe the money won't seem so tempting because you can cope without. On the other hand if you are confident the money will materialise and you can agree the right terms then do it. Maybe say you will do it in 12 months?

I definitely wouldn't think of it as dirty money either way. It's your money. They owe you.

Good luck op xx

Actually, the more I think about it, the more certain I am that your PIL will never give you any money.

By all means offer to meet with their DS for 1 hour after the money has been transferred - they will never do it, so you will never have to put yourself through it.

Better to find this out ASAP and then you can move away and move on under your own steam, which I am certain is what it will come down to in the end anyway.

I would see him and talk, not for him but for you to convey your disgust/outrage etc

The money is not dirty; it's effectively a matrimonial asset; inheritance prospects are taken into account in divorce

BUT I think Whatthefoxisgoing on is absolutely right.

I would focus on starting divorce proceedings and getting as good a settlement as you can. his behaviour would very much be taken into account in this case as it is so extreme.

You’ll never be free of them, they’ll never give it all in one go, they know you’ll take it and run. Theyll only offer in dribs and drabs, do this for an hour, here’s a few weeks worth of shopping, he wants to see you again, here’s another few weeks, he wants to see the kids, here’s a month, he wants to, nat, has a right to see the new baby, here’s a few months nappies and baby grows.
You’ll never be free of it

How much are we talking?

I know that you are desperate Op, but if it wouldn't be setting me & the kids up for life it wouldn't be worth it imo.

Surely for tax reasons they can't just go around giving money away?

Are they in a position to give you anything worthwhile?

I doubt I'd trust them anyway for attaching such a condition & would anything ypu signed even be legally binding?

Morning OP I hope you were able to get some peaceful rest last night. I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through.

I cannot understand the mentality of ‘Christian’ grandparents who set conditions to ensure their grandchildren have food on the table.

I also assume that they are very wealthy as it is more normal to receive an inheritance after someone has died.

My initial reaction was no, for the sake of your own sanity don’t take the money, but having read the whole thread there have been a couple of posts from people who have suffered similar issues to you have changed my mind. You know that the meeting will be hard, you currently have psychiatric help in place already that you can use, so if by taking the meeting now you have the ‘interesting babysitter’ to help you process it and you can be financially comfortable for the foreseeable future it may help with your recovery in the long run.

However I agree with ensuring that a solicitor holds the money and it is released the instance you leave the meeting. Try and book an appointment this week, many will offer half an hour free consultation and you could maybe agree that their fee is deducted from the funds before they are released? You have said they are probably right not to trust you to go, I also absolutely feel the opposite is also true, I wouldn’t trust them to pay.

I’m afraid I would let the gps know how abhorrent I found their terms when it is the well-being of their grandchildren at stake. But that maybe just me.

Good luck, if you are still conflicted I believe a pp suggested a new thread on the relationship board so you can get some advice on how you could financially cope if you chose not to go.

I would also be honest with the dcs in an age appropriate way so they grow up with it simply being fact and it never comes out as a shock. ‘Daddy did something bad, we have this money from grandma to help you out. You may not need to tell them the conditions attached.

Could you look at the money as this is the least that family could do for your child?

Walk away from the lot of them. The fact that your children’s grandparents are trying to manipulate and blackmail you into going to see their son is fucked up beyond belief.

If they were loving grandparents they would be offering to help you with no strings. They are as fucked up as their paedophile son is.

I think you need to see someone about your finances and what help you can get. If it means you leave your home and end up in a rental then that’s fine, you can start again and work on rebuilding your family int he light of what’s happened. It won’t be easy. None of it. You need support (I’m thinking there may be some groups that can help you but you would need to research them) but know that you are strong enough to do this without your inlaws money.

I also doubt they would hand the money straight over anyway.

Having also had a coffee

You need Something legal here . It’s also of Money and not worth putting yourself through this without something in writing

If you can’t afford something try and get a legal minded friend to help

I also have doubts as to how genuine they are , and to the strings they will
Impose

Do some more reading

I would also bear in mind there might be very murky things that went on . Strict religious family ,blackmail
And their son turns into this ? Listen and watch as some probability he was was abused . I am NOT saying all abuse survivors turn this way but statistically for him they could be the source

Stay strong and I am pleased this thread has supported you a bit

Hi** OP

I haven't read the whole thread but I just wanted to let you know you are not alone in going through this. I am in a similar situation.
A few comments on parallels in what we're going through.

Firstly, are you sure your friends are ghosting you? Have you taken the time to explain what you're going through, or have they found out second hand? I have spoken to a few close friends and talked everything through. It's a really difficult situation for most people to comprehend but true friends will understand if they hear things directly from you, and especially if you make it clear you are telling them because you trust them. Initially I kept everything to myself but my counsellor asked me why I was ashamed as I have don't nothing wrong. She used the phrase 'shame grows in the dark' and it's so true, I'm coping better now close friends know.

Secondly, presumably Children's Services are now involved? I hope you have a good social worker and can speak to them. From their point of you, you are the very important 'protective factor' for your kids. Consult them and work with them.

Thirdly, definitely see a solicitor. If you can get the divorce process started, you will feel much more in control.

Finally, I'm not sure what I would do in your position re the money and family. My partner's family are also in denial and I feel very angry towards them. Initially they wanted to be supportive for me and the kids, but I've realised that I need to keep my distance as their loyalties are with their son. Personally I wouldn't want to owe them anything but I have financial and practical support from my parents so I don't need them in the same way. Can your social worker help with housing instead?

Have you looked at the Stopitnow website run by The Lucy Faithfull Foundation? It has some great resources and a helpline (although I had to ring many times to get through.)

Also do mention briefly what you are going through to your midwife. I initially realised something was wrong whilst I was pregnant and my midwife was very supportive. You'll be at a higher risk of PND and she can make sure you get extra support.

Please know that you are not alone. It's a massively growing crime but due to the social stigma, very few people talk about it. You will get through this and when your kids are old enough to understand, they'll know they've got an amazingly strong Mum.

Whatthefoxgoingon

I agree with you. These people don't have that type of life-changing amount just sitting about waiting to transfer it to the OP.

If they did, they would already be doing things like paying the mortgage for a few months to buy everyone some breathing space. Not offering a small sum for food and a couple of counselling sessions three months down the line FFS.

Secondly, at the moment, everyone seems to be thinking in very dramatic ways- the son won't need his inheritance, the children will change their names and live far away and so on. The reality of the situation, which the PIL may well be realising is that the son won't go away for quite so long (not for image downloading/sharing), in fact, he might be out again in a few years. They will then start thinking about how he, with his criminal record, will need that money, start again, perhaps need it to fight a legal battle to see his children and so forth. They will want that money for him as well as for his children.

They will not be giving a life-changing amount of money any time soon. What they have done, by talking about a life-changing sum of money, is kept the lines of communication open. It is pretty obvious that without this dialogue, you would have cut them and their toxic family off three months ago. So, their tactic is winning, for now.

I would focus on trying to solve the financial problem you have now, through getting good advice on benefits from organizations and the council set up to help you. This is not incompatible with considering their offer anyway, for as the moment, there is no sign of this money so you have to prepare anyway.

I'd also call your friends/family friends or text them saying- hey, I could do with a bit of support, I feel so awful. They probably can't think what to say to you and the longer it goes on, the less they can think of the right words. Reaching out for some support that way may also help.

This isn't going to play out like a movie, though. No-one hands over an inheritance for an hour of your time. It's just not realistic to think this way and if you try to run towards it, and get them to sign anything, they won't. I would side-step this continuing emotional headfuck and start preparing to live a life without them and their money.

So sorry that you’re going through this. I hope you do have family to support you and your DC at this time.

I cannot advise you one way or the other, you seem to be caught between a rock and a hard place. If you do decide to take the money, make sure you get a solicitor to ensure you understand the terms and conditions the PIL are laying out. Them giving you the money should not automatically give them the right to make continuous demands from you or your children, they are not really laying a foundation for a supportive and trusting relationship.

I hope you and your DC get all the help and support you need to get through this.

I can see the dilemma.

I would see him but I would want everything in writing on a proper contract, including the £500 and I would insist that they pay the full money into the solicitors client account on them signing.

Then when you have done the paperwork the solicitor pays you £500 and when you have been to see him you get the whole money.

This will show there are not going to be strings attached.and the money will be forthcoming after without any need to have any contact with them again.

I am presuming it is tens or hundreds of thousands and worth doing.

Then divorce, sell up, and change your surname and move far far away and never see him or his family ever again.

Use the money to create a new life. One where it would be hard to find you.

You could move abroad and start afresh.

You can sit there, stare blankly into space and look on it as a job. A nasty job but something that has to be done to get you and your dc a new life.

I'm so sorry you're going through OP.

I had a totalling different situation, where I agreed to take money instead of going to court. The money was considerably more than I would have got by going to court and concluded thing much quicker, by about 18 months. I had bills to pay, a family to feed and I needed closure. Unfortunately, I didn't get the closure I needed. Instead I felt guilt, I'd sold my integrity and no one would ever get to hear my story, my version of events. It's very hard to feel it was the right decision, even though it's a no brainer on paper.

Best of luck with whatever you decide to do, you need to find a way to make peace with your decision.

Sending the greatest sympathies I can
Please report this
Report it to the police
Report it to the social workers
Report it the to their religious leaders
Report it to the prison services
You've already reported and sought help with counsellors and us here at mumsnet and that's the right thing to do
This is not about money p,ease don't think that it is, you will be okay I. The end re money and managing financially as there are organisations you can get advice and help,m, citizans advice shelter council etc., even the bank I feel would be sympathetic in these circumstances
This is not about the money, that is a distraction, they are using it as a blackmail tool to abuse you and your children,
There will always be conditions and controls with it
This is not about the money, it's about control
They want to control how you respond to this awful crime
They thinking the money will give them agency about how you deal with this awful crime
It is not about their money it's about how they want you to behave and deal with this in private and In Public
It is not about the money it's about how you can take control of this situation and report this blackmail to all the people you can
See how they like multiple agency's visiting them and confronting them on this another potential crime by them.
You are taking care of yourself I see and I hope you receive even more help for you and your children but remember it's not about the money it's about control

What the father has done is despicable and there is no excuse. It is his fault and his fault solely that you are All in this situation.

Just a point to consider as you make your decisions:

Despite their fathers actions, the children will still need to maintain some sort of relationship with their wider family.

You are rightly angry now, but as you make your decisions please keep this in mind as you navigate the family ties around your children for the long term.

Good luck OP

incywincybitofa has it spot on
Also By seeing him you are NOT
Condoning his behaviours

With regard to friends dropping you I’d imagine some of them are afraid he may have assaulted their children and are trying to deal with the fact that they innocently put their children in danger. He may never have been alone with them and may have never actually physically abused a child but I can imagine they felt and currently feel the fear and horror for their children as you did
Real friends will come around.
I’m not defending them but I was paranoid about dd safety due to abuse I knew of in the past that had happened to friends by family members etc and if it had come out that someone I’d casually trusted had had even vague and innocent contact with dd I’d have had a real struggle with it
You and your children are the innocents in this and you should take what you need for them to have a secure home and mum 💐