AIBU to take his family's dirty money? **Sensitive thread about child abuse - title edited by MNHQ**

[devastatedanon]

NC for reasons that will become very obvious. Identifying details removed. There are things I have had to leave out so please forgive me for not filling in some of the blanks.

I have been married for 11 years. Two kids and I'm six months pregnant with our much wanted third baby. Good job, nice house, adoring man.

It was all a lie. You are the first people I've told and even writing this out anonymously makes me want to vomit.

Three months ago the man I married (I can't call him DH or even husband) was arrested for viewing and storing child abuse images. We aren't talking about a few questionable pictures, ones he could argue he thought they were of age. Babies. Toddlers. Thousands of pictures and film clips. After the usual pathetic attempts at lying, he confessed and I've been told that due to the severity and amount, he is going away for a very long time.

Good.

As soon as he confessed, every feeling, every good memory I had of us as a family died. He became less than nothing to me. (I am seeing a therapist by the way, so are the kids, she is helping me cope with this boiling, violent rage I feel every time I think of his face)

I never want to see him again. Ever. He has been contacting me to beg for an hour of my time to "explain". As if there is anything he could say to explain away this horror, to minimise the fact he was an active participant in destroying the lives of those poor children. As if there is anything he could say to soften the fact he has destroyed my life, our babies lives.

He says he just wants an hour and then I can walk away but I "owe him this small thing".

I hope everyone will agree I ANBU when I say I can't/won't see him. I can't guarantee what I'd do. I can't and I won't and the idea I owe him ANYTHING is disgusting and repulsive.

Here's the AIBU. I dont have much family and nobody local, so his family have always been a big part of our lives. His parents are religious and have decided to love the sinner, hate the sin.

(I can't express how that makes me feel. I don't have the words for my anger and disgust)

They agree I owe him an hour and are haranguing me about it. You can imagine their arguments - it was "only" pictures, I need closure, we need to agree what to tell the children, I am being hormonal, I am selfish etc etc...

For the record, there stopped being a "we" the very second he admitted to his crimes. That's my closure and I will tell my children what I want (no idea what yet, one for the therapist to help me with).

I want to cut them out too. They disgust me now. I can't bear the idea of people who support that man being around my little ones. But... I lost my job and the house will go back to the bank soon. They have said they will give me the money he was due to inherit if I meet him. He won't need it where he is going. I need to feed my kids and more than ever, I need to keep them safe.

Part of me thinks the right thing to do for my kids would be to see him, get through an hour and take their money. Isn't that what a good mother would do? Grit my teeth and bear it for the chance to provide for my children? Is it selfish to refuse, when I know the impact it will have on my kids? It's dirty money but dirty money buys food and clothes just as good as clean money and I would rather die than ever let the kids know how I got it.

I don't know what to do. If I do it, I can provide for my babies who are so innocent and don't deserve any more pain.

Also, if I don't do it, the kids won't see their grandparents or extended family again. Right now I don't want them to be near those people but it should be MY CHOICE. Not another punishment for the kids.

I don't know what to do. I'm crying again but I cry all the time now. I can't talk to anyone about this in RL and my best friends have ghosted me since the news came out. I'm alone and scared of making the wrong choice.

I was going to ask, what should I do but I think we are past moral judgements. So my question is, what would you do? What price would you pay? I don't even care about my own mental health at this stage, that ship has sailed but it's like I physically cannot be in a room with him.

Thanks for reading, I'll answer any questions I can but if I can't, I'll say so and I hope you understand why.

I think you should run with your conscience and not be bullied into this. The family shouls not be defending him .talk to a divorce lawyer. Can you sue him for money?

They have said I'll get something for signing the paperwork to see him. Enough for food and the kids psychologist for a couple of weeks.

Sounds like they'll give you around £500? So not really worth it? How much do the kids know and do they actually need a psychologist? Why aren't the police/court providing one?

How much was he supposed to inherit? Seems very little?

No money is worth it.
Your principles and integrity will always, always be priceless!

It sounds to me like you have an image of this money possibly giving you security.
I think it would end up being a noose around your neck and that will cause you more turmoil and potential judgement.

This way, you walk with your head held high.
How would you feel if his defence used it as “evidence” he has come to an arrangement with his parents and provided for his children?
How sick would you feel if you heard it helped his case?
This could happen and is likely so my questions are really aimed at how you would feel answering to yourself, not me or anyone else.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you.

I would wait a little. Give yourself space to work through what is happening.

Ask them for enough money to get you through the next few months while you are thinking about it. Say whatever you need to "my hormones are all over the place, I need to calm down before I decide / I'm worried about the baby, I need a bit more time" etc.

When the immediate crisis is over, think again.

I would probably take the money, assuming it can be safely arranged. It is your money and your children's money.

If you take the money you show that you have a price
and they will continue to push at you as they know you can be bought
there is little to suggest they would be honest and then give you the money as promised with no ties

agree with pp about telling social work

I m also sad that the family are not prepared to help their grandchildren financially without conditions. I think taking the money their way will make you feel too bad

I agree with Mrs Jolly. Go for the hour, take the money and run.

He may not have abused his own children but he supported others being abused.

His actions have ruined your life and made your past a lie. You deserve that money to restart with your DC.

I very rarely post, ( been here 19 years and posted about three times) but I feel I have to just to say how amazingly strong you are being and how sorry I am for you, the support you will get from here will be incredible tho

Do they actually think that by seeing him you'll go all soft and start seeing him again? What do they actually think they'll get out of imposing this condition?

Anyway, if you can bear it, and you trust them to follow through with it, I'd take their dirty money for the good of the kids. They don't deserve to suffer more than they have to because of their scumbag father.

I think you should tell these people that you will do it, but they need to pay the money up front to a solicitor, to be released to you immediately after the visit, so that they can't change their mind or add any further conditions. See what their reaction is.

I would only be prepared to do it on that basis. And because it would mean that I was able to provide for my children and keep a roof over their heads.

And then I would put a peg on my nose and spend the hour telling him exactly what I thought of him and how he would never his children again. Ever.

My heart goes out to you, OP, it really does. You must be in shock and I hope you have some RL support.

They've gone from giving you his inheritance money which would enable you to start your lives over somewhere else to enough to feed the kids and pay for the psych sessions for a couple of weeks. That's a big shift.

This is manipulation, you know it, and it won't end with 1 hour. This is how they want to control you.

Yet at the same time you also have to be pragmatic. You need food and shelter. Are your family in a position to help? Phone the bank and see if they can give you a break for a couple of months? Work out what your options are before you decide. It might be that you see him for the hour and take the money just to tide you over (get that solicitor's agreement).

In the mean time don't be in a hurry to answer them. Take your time. A couple of days won't make any difference while you think this through.

So so sorry this has happened.

I would take the money. It will give you options, it will give you back some control. And it will remove their power over you.

Don't think about that hour. You can get through that. Although I'd be very curious about what stbxh hopes to accomplish???

You will need the money to move, you house and feed your dc.

You may also need the money for legal expenses if he or they try to gain contact with your dc.

They more money you have the better you can protect your dc.

It's not dirty money. It's money that rightly belongs to you and your dc. The fact that you are being made to jump through hoops for it will just make it easier to walk away and not look back.

Start afresh somewhere new. You sound amazingly strong. Good luck.

Me personally, I would get a solicitor involved and ensure everything was signed and agreed before I went to see him. But I would then go and see him, 99% for the money and 1% to take great pleasure in seeing him in a prison, hopefully looking like a broken man and seeing his face when he was told he wouldn't be seeing his children again, with a fuck off smile on my face. The dirty cunt.

I’m so sorry to hear this OP and my word you are so eloquent and strong sounding expressing this. Can’t imagine the horror and repulsion. In your shoes I would honestly go and see him, that is if you trust the in laws to follow through. It’s not dirty money! It’s what you need to ensure your children get the life they deserve and after all you have been through it’s needed. Best wishes to you x

Oh OP. Words are entirely inadequate to offer you comfort right now. This is your decision and whatever you decide should be respected because unless someone is in your exact same position, no-one truly knows how they will react. However you asked for opinions so will share mine...

I wouldn't go. You are currently in therapy and you are self aware enough to understand the impact his crimes have had on you. You are currently dealing with white hot anger inside. You also have a new life inside you and I think the stress of seeing this man again could be incredibly risky for both your MH and the health of your unborn child. If anything were to happen as a result of all that, you'd never forgive yourself.

Your PILs - there are practically no words to describe them either (there are lots but no point in repeating what you know already) - are being as manipulative as their son because you know this will only be the start. They won't stop trying to control and manipulate you if you agree to this. They won't, I doubt, agree to any contract that states you meet for an hour and get to walk away with their money with nothing else in return. They are desperate right now but they are dangerous too and it won't stop.

I agree with previous PPs that their immediate agenda right now will be to minimise the impact on their son. They will hire the best lawyer etc and by seeing him, you may add something positive to 'his version of events' in court. Don't offer him any other ways of minimising what he has done.

I also think you need to disclose this blackmail (because it is blackmail) to the relevant authorities. PILs could turn very nasty in the future and you don't want to be painted as any kind of enabler either.

You sound like an intelligent & reasoned woman and a good mother so listen to your own inner voice. It is your decision, and as I said right at the start of my post, that should be respected, whatever you choose. As an aside, I have experienced poverty as a mother and it is really hard and heartbreaking, but you will come out the other side, bit by bit, as I did and things will get better no matter how difficult they are now

I feel so so sorry for you. Never ever forget that you and your children are a victim of this man's crimes. I hope you have lots of support.

It seems bizarre... one hour an you get a ton of cash?

OP : you poor thing! I'm torn as well but do agree with other posters who say that your PIL will not give this money easily. They'll put more and more conditions around it and it'll be "just one more thing".

I'd be talking to a legal bod about the practicalities and maybe do what another poster suggest and offer meditation and then take the money as you'd be doing that anyway for the divorce?

We’d all like to take the moral high ground but unfortunately principles don’t pay the bills.

And FWIW I wouldn't meet him. The children continuing to see his family surely isn't a condition of you meeting him for an hour?

The money isn't dirty.

Massive sacrifice is required of you whether you take it (you'd have to see him) or don't take it (financial hardship). You're not being bought and you don't have a price.

If you agree, ONLY do it via a legal route. Let the lawyer send them the terms, which should include transfer of money to the lawyer prior to you seeing him and the only condition is 60 minutes. The lawyer will release it after accompanying you and verifying it was 60 minutes. It should also state you are doing this solely to provide for their grandchildren because you have been left penniless by their paedophile son (I'd want those words used). They agree to them or not - the power is with you, because you are setting the wider terms.

Regardless of whether you see him or not, cut all contact with them. They have no rights to their grandchildren, you don't have any obligation to them and you know for sure you could never leave your kids alone with them (not to be trusted). 100 times more so now they've shown that they don't give a shit about their grandchildren's welfare.

You cannot make the wrong decision here, only the right one for you. The right one for the kids is the right one for you because they need you to be ok.

I'd do the one hour accompanied with a screen (don't disclose that to them ahead of time) provided money was in the bank account at the end of the hour. Your kids are going to need you to be as available as possible. I would look at it as the hours you would have had to spend away from them earning that money you can spend supporting them listening and taking them out.

If you decide to take the money - and I have nothing to add to what other posters have said about this- ensure that you have a binding and carefully-worded agreement drawn up setting out the terms. A solicitor will do this. The parents would be required to pay the money up front into an escrow account so that they cannot then withhold the money if you have fulfilled your part of the bargain.

Take the money. It is not 'dirty' and no, you don't have 'a price'.

This money will allow you a solid new start for you and your children. One hour listening to a vile man trying to explain himself is worth that in my opinion.

As pp have said, secure the money before the meeting, via a solicitor would be best so they can't back out of the deal.

Good luck

I started reading this thread last night but couldn't articulate a response. I think sassy has nailed it.

The parents are just as toxic as their sick son.

Without that money life will be completely sucky BUT you will survive. Get all the financial help you can get even if you are filling out forms on your sleep.

I grew up very very poor but I have the utmost love and respect for my DM for kicking out my abusive alcoholic father and raising us single handedly on peanuts. If it helps you to think of the future, after 5 years my DM met and married the most wonderful man and following a second career for her in education they both have a comfortable retirement.

I would meet actually . I would want to understand why he does this . What happened in his life to put him in this path ? Was it his childhood ? When did it start ? Was he abused ?

In practical terms you need to get some answers and if not closure , understanding

I am desperately sorry . As clearly even when he is out he will have these issues and will always need watching . It’s like a
Massive fucking bomb that will
Never go away

It’s not dirty money OP . You need it short term at least to look after your poor children

I am so sorry . Really shitty . Just hope you have decent MH support to keep you on the line