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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parenting - is DD ‘too dependant’ or should my friend keep their opinions to themselves

102 replies

Zofloramummy · 07/09/2018 22:52

So I’m a SP, since DD was 18 months old her dad isn’t on the scene.

She is now 7 and has just started Juniors. We are very close and do lots together. Over the last few months she has been wanting to sleep in my room. I have allowed this as a treat but she now wants to sleep in my bed more frequently. I am tackling this by limiting it to ‘treats’. I remember being the same with my mum around this age.

My friend commented that they think we are over attached, that she is ‘dependant’ on me and that this is making her an anxious child.

I was a little 😮. Throughout her life she has had phases of being more clingy and then is fine again. She goes to Brownies, has a wide circle of school friends, plays well with others.

There is only us in our home. My friend has a partner and two kids. Their family life looks very different.

So AIBU by thinking that they should keep their opinions to themselves? I felt quite shocked and as though my parenting had been judged and found to be deficient. Bit upset really.

OP posts:
user1471451564 · 07/09/2018 22:57

If you are happy, if your DD is happy with the status quo then who the fuck cares what anyone else thinks. Stick to what works for your family unit and just let other people's comments wash over you. Life is too short to be fretting about something which until mentioned, had no place in your mindset. There is no one size fits all in parenting. You're doing fine. Flowers

BrioLover · 07/09/2018 22:58

I wouldn't worry. Also shake the comment off as you know your DD best.

I remember my sister doing the same at that age (she'd sleep with my mum about half the week and my dad would be in her bed) and it tailed off at around 10.

Lindy2 · 07/09/2018 23:03

If you are both happy with the arrangement then I see no problem with it. I think keeping it as a treat rather than your sleeping arrangement for every night makes sense.

Changedmynametoolikeyou · 07/09/2018 23:04

My friend’s daughter is similar. I almost suggested something to her about arranging some weekend time with her as I get the impression it’s partly because she never sees her Mum at weekends... but I bit my tongue. Because it’s not my business. Your daughter will be fine. It sounds like she is socially well developed, and she’s just close to you. Great.

Ellisandra · 07/09/2018 23:05

I think it’s really natural to cosleep. Fine if you don’t want to, but also fine if you do. My 10yo daughter is snoring next to me now, as it happens - and last night I was in her bed at her invitation.
I’m divorced and she ditches me for days at a time without a backwards glance. Loves sleepovers with friends.
Just because they like bedtime cuddles doesn’t make them clingy or less independent!

overnightangel · 07/09/2018 23:07

I can only echo the good advice from PPs on here

“My friend commented that they think we are over attached, that she is ‘dependant’ on me and that this is making her an anxious child.”

Tell her to mind her own business! Cheek!

You sound like you are a great Mam 😊

sourpatchkid · 07/09/2018 23:07

I slept in my mums bed til I was 9 (entirely co-sleeping, didn't have my own bed)

I was always a happy, confident, independent child. Got through teenage years with no problems and am a happy, confident adult now.

So yeah .. your friend shouldn't judge (although people often do)

Original poster
Zofloramummy · 07/09/2018 23:09

Oh if she had her way she would be in with me every night! But that isn’t going to happen. My dd will probably end up working for the UN as her negotiating skills are quite impressive for a seven year old! However I need my space and evenings to myself and she needs a decent sleep before school. So it will remain a treat not the norm. My friend says that research shows that children who co sleep have greater attachment issues than those who don’t. I basically felt like I was being accused of giving my dd ‘issues’ by allowing it!

OP posts:
DorothyGarrod · 07/09/2018 23:10

I think if it wasn’t for DH taking up all the room both the DC would share my bed. I think it is very natural to want to share sleeping space and reassuring for young DC.

MorningsEleven · 07/09/2018 23:10

Or maybe you're bringing her up to know that wherever she goes in the world she'll always have a safe place with you.

Notcontent · 07/09/2018 23:10

Just ignore your friend. Your dd is 7, not 17. And of course you are going to be close if it’s just the two of you - that’s natural. I am also a lone parent and very close to my dd. And there is nothing wrong with her wanting to sleep in your bed, as long as you are both happy with that!

Original poster
Zofloramummy · 07/09/2018 23:10

Its reassuring to see other posters have similar set ups and that their dc’s are absolutely fine!

OP posts:
DorothyGarrod · 07/09/2018 23:10

In fact, whenever DH is away the DCs love it because they get to have a sleepover with me.

Holidayshopping · 07/09/2018 23:11

I wouldn’t tell them-if they are going to be judgy, they don’t deserve to know details of your life. You do what you need to do.

IamPickleRick · 07/09/2018 23:11

I’d get in my mums bed up to the age of about 20 if I felt unwell. Yanbu.

NonaGrey · 07/09/2018 23:13

I would stop giving your friend so much information (and amunition) about your lives.

It’s not her business.

NeepNeepNeep · 07/09/2018 23:13

Good grief. She's only 7 and wants a cuddle with her mum. Who could criticise that? Real friends are supportive and don't add to your worries. I call bullshit in her "research".

Original poster
Zofloramummy · 07/09/2018 23:15

Yes I am going to be more careful about what I say in future. Sometimes it nice to talk about parenting things with your friends though. Just didn’t expect to be flamed!

OP posts:
corythatwas · 07/09/2018 23:17

"My friend says that research shows that children who co sleep have greater attachment issues than those who don’t."

This sounds like research your friend has made up out of thin air. But agree with other posters- don't keep giving her ammunition. Just don't talk about all your arrangements.

Iwantitidontwantit · 07/09/2018 23:17

Yanbu to be upset and I'm sorry it made you feel bad.

Being a single parent, especially to an only child is totally different to parenting as part of a standard family unit. It feels like such a responsibility when you know it's just you having to make all the decisions. Your DD sounds like a happy little girl, so keep doing what your doing.

I have 1 DD who is 8 and she sleeps in my bed a fair amount too. If my friends ever comment it's only to say nice things about our bond. If you're close friends, I'd tell them how much their comment had hurt you. If not I'd be cutting them out.

Ellisandra · 07/09/2018 23:17

“Research” Grin I expect your friend’s a bit dim. Was that in the Daily Mail? Hmm

NeepNeepNeep · 07/09/2018 23:17

I would never make a friend feel bad about their parenting and keep my opinions to myself as we all do things differently. I think I would be revaluating this friendship.

Bullnoway · 07/09/2018 23:18

My DD was the same. I was a LP too. She is a teenager now, and we are much closer than her friends are with their parents. I think it will be much more painful when she goes to Uni, but if not change it. Enjoy your time OP. The years pass so quickly.

belleandsnowwhite · 07/09/2018 23:18

My dd got into my bed almost every night up till about age 9. She is now 16 and not been in my bed since and is a perfectly normal independent16-year-old.

sprinklesandsauce · 07/09/2018 23:21

DD slept with me on and off for a long time after her father left. She’s 10 now and back in her room. She needed the security of knowing I was there.

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