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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Parenting - is DD ‘too dependant’ or should my friend keep their opinions to themselves

102 replies

Zofloramummy · 07/09/2018 22:52

So I’m a SP, since DD was 18 months old her dad isn’t on the scene.

She is now 7 and has just started Juniors. We are very close and do lots together. Over the last few months she has been wanting to sleep in my room. I have allowed this as a treat but she now wants to sleep in my bed more frequently. I am tackling this by limiting it to ‘treats’. I remember being the same with my mum around this age.

My friend commented that they think we are over attached, that she is ‘dependant’ on me and that this is making her an anxious child.

I was a little 😮. Throughout her life she has had phases of being more clingy and then is fine again. She goes to Brownies, has a wide circle of school friends, plays well with others.

There is only us in our home. My friend has a partner and two kids. Their family life looks very different.

So AIBU by thinking that they should keep their opinions to themselves? I felt quite shocked and as though my parenting had been judged and found to be deficient. Bit upset really.

OP posts:

oldgimmer78 · 08/09/2018 10:04

As long as the set up doesn't annoy you OP then it is fine. There are women who think that not starting cry-it-out at 4 weeks will result in an over dependent baby at 6 months. Horses for courses. I'm of the opinion that you are never too old to get into your mum's bed

moreofaslummythanyummy · 08/09/2018 10:05

Firstly sleeping with you is no problem imo my 11 year old still sleeps with me when her dad is away or out . We love it and if I was a single parent I think she would be in every night!

I have to say though I have a friend who is a single parent to her daughter and they have a lot of inter-dependency and are both extremely anxious when they are not together, to the point the child wouldn't go on her year 6 trip because her mum wasn't allowed to chaperone .
It isn't healthy but I really feel for both of them , mum doesn't have a social life and daughter is really struggling with secondary school and she DD hates men.
I can understand how easy it can happen , it has always been them against the world and the DD has become a natural sounding board for her mum which has made her distrust men, for example,as her mum has told her all about past relationships etc.
I have had similar conversations with the mum , not being a bitch and interfering but genuinely concerned for them . She appreciates it though and says herself she wishes she had recognised earlier what was happening.

From what you have said though , your DD sounds fine , but maybe your friend is concerned . I wouldn't take offence she probably means well.

Stardust91 · 08/09/2018 10:11

OP, not sure if this helps or not but i slept in the same bed with mum from the age of 10 until 18 ( i moved out to go to university). And when i would come and visit i still shared the bed with her . Do I feel like this arrangement harmed me in any way? Umm, no not really. The only thing i can say is that i am scared of the dark even at this age i am now and i always have to have a light source. But not sure why co sleeping would have anything to do with it!

Abetes · 08/09/2018 10:12

Depends how you feel about it. My dd is almost 18 and will still occasionally ask to sleep with me if dh is away. I hate it (because I like the whole bed to myself not because I think she shouldn’t sleep with me) so generally say no but sometimes say yes. She is otherwise a well adjusted young woman, applying to go to a university abroad, big career plans, lots of friends, goes on school and other trips away no problem. Just because she wants to sleep with you doesn’t mean she will grow up to be anything other than a independent adult.

ASimpleLampoon · 08/09/2018 10:16

Your friend should mind their own business. If your daughter is feeling clingy, insecure she needs your reassurance and hugs. Both my children co sleep with me, they are 7 and 6 , the 7 year old has SN and is not an easy sleeper, but sleeps well with me there. I have never slept more than 3 hours continuously in my life, I guess it's how I am built and he takes after me. 6 year old is quite happy /capable of sleeping on her own but I don't want to leave her out. She is a fiercely independent child, so much it almost scares me, but she does love her hugs! I have an amazing bond with my children and they are happy. Do what works for all of you, and if it ain't broke, don't fix it..

Thehop · 08/09/2018 10:18

Sounds like you and dd have a lovely relationship, enjoy it

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 08/09/2018 10:19

I have my 12 year old snuggled beside me at moment in bed. Know it won't last forever.....

CherryPavlova · 08/09/2018 10:22

It would be of greater concern if your child wasn’t attached and dependent at seven!
Lots of young children sleep with parents. It’s warm, cosy, safe and just feels nice.
Smile and tell them yes, your delighted you and DD have such a warm and close relationship.

thethoughtfox · 08/09/2018 10:23

My dd always sleeps in her own bed but ever since we had a hospital stay where we both loved having 'sleepovers' in the ward together, she has been asking for sleepovers. We did it once or twice in the spare room. Now she has just started school and is away from me more, she keeps asking for them. They just need to feel connected to you and it's a great way way of spending quality time with them without a lot of effort. We did one last week with a movie on the laptop, drinks with crushed ice and loads of soft toys and the cat all piled in.

lovetherisingsun · 08/09/2018 10:24

She won't be doing it when she's 15. I think it's lovely she loves you so much she wants to be with you like this.

thethoughtfox · 08/09/2018 10:26

Could you keep it a special thing once a month or every two weeks and have fun talking about it and planning it if you don't want her in your bed every night? TBH, if everyone was getting a good night's sleep, I'd be tempted to let her stay when she wants. She won't be doing it when she is 14 (unless she really needs it!)

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 08/09/2018 10:38

None of their business too.

Talith · 08/09/2018 10:41

I'd have no issues with this, mine go through phases of needing it and the eldest is 11 now. It helps that I'm a single parent so there's room in the bed!

sunshiney78 · 08/09/2018 10:43

I’m a single parent to an only child DD7, and DD will not sleep unless I stay in her bed until she falls asleep. I don’t mind, she talks about her day, sometimes her concerns, we have a cuddle, say I love you’s, and its good winding down time for me too. Only problem is she hates going to her dad’s because he refuses to do it.

JustlikeDevon · 08/09/2018 10:47

Going against the grain here...
I'm a single parent and have been for 8 years. Dd is overly attached to me, as I am to her. We are a very close little team as it's just the 2 of us. I don't think her reliance on me is stopping her having fun, but she is very reliant. She sleeps in my bed every night and has done since her dad left.

Lizzie48 · 08/09/2018 10:49

DD2 (6) often comes into our bed at night, this is because she suffers from night terrors and wakes up screaming. She and DD1 (9) are adopted and attachment issues are to be expected. I used to worry about it, but now I simply figure that she has plenty of time to grow out of it. Bonding is so important for adopted children.

Thankfully, it doesn't happen all that often now; I've thought that before, though, and then she started doing it again.

I wouldn't worry about it at all, you sound like a fantastic mum, and your friend was totally out of order for saying what she did.

deste · 08/09/2018 10:50

Just be careful if she is good at negotiation or in friends case manipulation. She has her own bed but sleeps with mum. When mum had a boyfriend she refused to sleep in her own bed so that made it difficult for mum. She then persuaded her mum to sleep on a mattress on the living room floor with her, they have no tv so it wasn’t that. I have no idea why but suspect she likes to be in control and does control most things in the house. She is now nearly 13.

MycatsaPirate · 08/09/2018 10:51

My partner had to go away earlier this year for three weeks. DD2 is 12 and she slept in bed with me every night he was away.

We had a great time! We went to bed early and watched movies in bed and then slept.

Cachailleacha · 08/09/2018 10:51

My 12 year old boy still does. He has his own bed but sometimes sleeps in his bed, sometimes in my mine. He has always been independent, he went away for a week long camp at 7 where he knew no one, he just prefers not to sleep in a room alone.

Yoksha · 08/09/2018 10:52

My Dd2 is now 35. She's been like this all her life. Since she's been married tho, it's stopped. No need for a talk, it was natural. Just disregard comments. It's nobody's beeswax

tillytrotter1 · 08/09/2018 10:52

The word 'really?' delivered in a haughty way works wonders. I've said frequently on here that I don't know why anyone engages with people like your 'friend', passive aggression is the best sort!!!

Feefeetrixabelle · 08/09/2018 10:52

I’m babysitting my friends children while she gives birth. They’ve both crawled into my bed at various points this week. One because he wanted to be comforted because it’s been a tricky birth and the other purely because she likes company. I don’t see the issue with it (the parents are perfectly comfy with it and had mentioned in advance that their son might need comforting at night). They are both very confident children, popular and sociable, fairly well behaved for their age. And their dad was saying there isn’t a night where one the other or both cra into bed. Ignore the friend. She’s more of a frenemy.

Rebecca36 · 08/09/2018 10:52

People should keep their opinions to themselves. You are perfectly alright, lots of little ones sleep with a parent or parents for periods of time, it doesn't last forever. Mine did and I came across those who said they 'shouldn't'. Not their business!

You seem to be handling it well, limiting her sleeping with you to 'treats'. Well done.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 08/09/2018 10:53

I have a friend from SE Asia and Co sleeping is the norm there according to her until the children are quite big (9 / 10 or so). Society seems to function OK!

RaskolnikovsGarret · 08/09/2018 10:57

My DDs still occasionally sleep with me as a treat when DH is away, or they are ill. They are 17 and 15, and otherwise seem completely normal!

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