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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parenting - is DD ‘too dependant’ or should my friend keep their opinions to themselves

102 replies

Zofloramummy · 07/09/2018 22:52

So I’m a SP, since DD was 18 months old her dad isn’t on the scene.

She is now 7 and has just started Juniors. We are very close and do lots together. Over the last few months she has been wanting to sleep in my room. I have allowed this as a treat but she now wants to sleep in my bed more frequently. I am tackling this by limiting it to ‘treats’. I remember being the same with my mum around this age.

My friend commented that they think we are over attached, that she is ‘dependant’ on me and that this is making her an anxious child.

I was a little 😮. Throughout her life she has had phases of being more clingy and then is fine again. She goes to Brownies, has a wide circle of school friends, plays well with others.

There is only us in our home. My friend has a partner and two kids. Their family life looks very different.

So AIBU by thinking that they should keep their opinions to themselves? I felt quite shocked and as though my parenting had been judged and found to be deficient. Bit upset really.

OP posts:
safetyfreak · 08/09/2018 11:04

Meh my 6 year old still sleeps in my bed and we spend a lot of time together.

I think as single parents to an only, there may be an argument it can lead to different parenting styles and a deeper attachments, like a us vs the world type relationship.

JustlikeDevon · 08/09/2018 11:14

Agree completely safetyfreak - very different to dc sleeping in with mum while dad's away. As a single mum to an only our relationship is very different and very intense.

SirVixofVixHall · 08/09/2018 11:20

My dds both slept in my bed from birth until a few years ago. I think dd2 was about 8 when she moved out. For most of human history small people would have cuddled in with their mothers, it is lovely. I think letting children “cling” when they need to makes for more robust adults, rather than the opposite. Oliver James has written on this I think ?
She won’t always want to be in with you, she will start to like her own bed and maybe just come in with you for a snuggle when she wakes up, that what my smallest does now. She is in with me as I type ! My teenager does the same, she will come into my bed to chat when she wakes up. Enjoy the snuggling. 🙂 Don’t worry about it. If you are both happy then that is a good thing, not a bad one. Families work out all sorts of different sleeping arrangements, and everyone I know played musical beds while their children were small.

Godowneasy · 08/09/2018 11:36

I'm another one who thinks the relationship is very different as a single parent. It's just such a different dynamic to a two parent family.

My daughter chose to co sleep with me a lot. Not because she was overly needy or anxious or anything, but just because she wanted to. By about 12 she she tended to mainly sleep in my bed just during the school holidays. Neither of it saw it as an issue at all.

She's 19 now, and still sleeps in my bed sometimes when home from University... but the wifi is better in my room. We have some lovely chats just before going to sleep and in the mornings.

She's a happy secure autonomous young woman and co sleeping with me has not had any negative affects as far as I can see.

It's sad that people are talking about children of 7 and 8 on here in terms of them being 'overly attached'. What does that actually mean in such young children?

TheBigFatMermaid · 08/09/2018 11:45

I would fake absolute interest in your friends opinions and say you are very interested to see this research, could she please show it to you.

She is of course talking bollocks! I believe that the more children know you are there for them, the less they are likely to be clingy.

Wanting to sleep in your bed is not being particularly clingy though!

Original poster
Zofloramummy · 08/09/2018 13:21

Thank you all, i feel so much better reading about other pp’s experiences!

My gut feeling is that it’s completely normal and will naturally end when DD is ready for it. In the meantime it is a lovely time for cuddles and talks.

I do think that in a single parent family particularly with an only there is a risk of becoming a team rather than a child/parent relationship. I encourage outside social activities (as much as I can afford). DD has been asked to sleepovers at friends houses and has said no. She told me “it’s my life and I will know when I feel ready”!!!

I think it’s easy to think that your own circumstances are the ‘right way’. And normal is a wide variety of set ups.

Dd is bright, happy, chatty and doing well in school. Therefore I’m going to take this ‘opinion’ with a pinch of salt.

For the pp who asked how she copes without a father figure - she has a great relationship with my dad. He is into model railways so she is often in the shed building signal boxes. Last week she made a mecchano tank. She often stays one night a week with my parents and they have a great relationship with her. She also grows fruit with her grandad and really enjoys doing different things than at home. I think it’s an important part of her childhood and it’s great that I also get one night to have a long bath, read a book and watch box sets!

OP posts:
happinessischocolate · 08/09/2018 16:30

Isn't it funny how it's okay for an adult to share a bed and cuddles with another adult but then children are expected from a very young age to sleep in bed on their own, in a room by themselves, for fear that they may get too attached 🙄

CatLadyToddlerMother · 08/09/2018 16:38

I'm 26 and still occasionally share a bed with my mum if I stay over there or we go away together. It's not odd or weird, we're mother and daughter, and I so hope that DD is the same when she's my age.

As long as she still sleeps in her own bed and there's no problems with school trips away (probably not relevant for another year or two anyway) then I see no harm in her occasionally sharing her mums bed.

Goldenbear · 08/09/2018 16:51

Well i have a 7 year old and she comes in every morning - 5am to sleep next to me not her Dad, so not in the middle. We are very close and she is cuddly with me but my 11 year old was similar and now tells me gently to leave him to get on with things that he has to do and hasn't got itme for my cuddleSad.

Justnoclue · 08/09/2018 16:55

You sound like a lovely mum and your friend should not be commenting.

DD used to love sleeping in with me around 7 when her Dad worked the odd night away. Now at 12 she’ll still ask the odd time but not as often. We are very close but equally now she’s a tween she’s developing her own friends and doesn’t want me around as much. All normal.

Your friend is wrong to comment. As long as your DD is happy and healthy then do as you wish. No two families have the same dynamic. Yours sounds lovely.

Original poster
Zofloramummy · 08/09/2018 22:17

Right so since I said I wasn’t in agreement with the opinion about co sleeping to my friend I’ve been polite but firm.

We have a joint social occasion coming up and I messaged re arrangement and basically I’ve had nothing back.

Complete tumbleweed and I know they’ve been online but not acknowledged my message.

Now I’m getting pissed off. I didn’t agree with their opinion, and now I’m being ghosted? Wtf

OP posts:
Haireverywhere · 08/09/2018 22:31

Could they be busy? My friends and I are rubbish and read and run/forget to reply for a few days if it isn't urgent.

Original poster
Zofloramummy · 08/09/2018 22:35

It’s unusual, they usually read and reply

OP posts:
Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 08/09/2018 22:41

I still often have one of my twins or my nine year old in bed with me.

NicePear · 09/09/2018 11:04

I have enjoyed reading these comments as my son is 9 and still sleeps in my bed . Nobody knows this and I have worried that it's not "normal" .
He won't be a child forever and I don't have a partner so it's not an issue

Whipsmart · 09/09/2018 12:10

Your friend has probably read this thread and is now frantically scouring the internet for any scrap of "research" that supports her mad opinions in case you ask for it Grin

I'm pretty sure our culture is the only one with such strict and strange rules about co-sleeping. As pp have said, it's not really a big deal to share with your mum at any age!

ethelfleda · 09/09/2018 12:13

Your friend is talking out of her arse.
If anything, it’s a less secure attachment that can cause anxiety!
You’re there for your DD. That is not a bad thing! She is still so young and still needs her mum sometimes.

thebeesknees123 · 09/09/2018 13:25

Well, if she can't take you having an opinion on YOUR child, you are well rid. You have every right to defend your stance

thaegumathteth · 09/09/2018 13:32

Dd is 7 and if dh is working away she sleeps in the bed with me - or if she’s unwell or had a bad dream. No problem.

Starstruck2020 · 09/09/2018 13:41

I believe if they are coming into your bed at night they have some sort of need. It’s important to teach them they can come to you for any reason. If they are turned away at a young age, when they come with a need, isn’t that contradicting what you’re trying to teach them?

AjasLipstick · 09/09/2018 14:08

Star I agree with you. They don;t come for no reason. Mine...the youngest, who is ten, still comes into bed in the middle of the night occasionally and I always allow it. It's not as often as it was but if she has a bad dream.

I remember being sent to bed as a child and that was that...so many long hours alone. I'm a very insecure person.
DD is quite confident. Lots of friends and very sociable.

Lizzie48 · 09/09/2018 14:49

Actually, that's true of DD2, at school she's very confident and has lots of friends. And she has a very secure attachment with DH and me.

Original poster
Zofloramummy · 10/09/2018 18:02

I got sent the research yesterday. It was a huff post article about anxious children who are co-sleeping. About how they don’t learn to self settle etc. My DD isn’t naturally anxious and can go to sleep by herself. I don’t think co-sleeping causes anxiety and the article was based around children who already have anxiety issues.

Thank to all who replied. It was reassuring to know I’m not the only parent with a child who wants to sleep in the same bed!

OP posts:
Whipsmart · 10/09/2018 19:51

I don't think huff post counts as a scientific journal, either Wink

hiveofmumsandvillainy · 10/09/2018 19:58

Wow, cultures where co-sleeping is entirely normal must have an epidemic of childhood anxiety Hmm