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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parenting - is DD ‘too dependant’ or should my friend keep their opinions to themselves

102 replies

Zofloramummy · 07/09/2018 22:52

So I’m a SP, since DD was 18 months old her dad isn’t on the scene.

She is now 7 and has just started Juniors. We are very close and do lots together. Over the last few months she has been wanting to sleep in my room. I have allowed this as a treat but she now wants to sleep in my bed more frequently. I am tackling this by limiting it to ‘treats’. I remember being the same with my mum around this age.

My friend commented that they think we are over attached, that she is ‘dependant’ on me and that this is making her an anxious child.

I was a little 😮. Throughout her life she has had phases of being more clingy and then is fine again. She goes to Brownies, has a wide circle of school friends, plays well with others.

There is only us in our home. My friend has a partner and two kids. Their family life looks very different.

So AIBU by thinking that they should keep their opinions to themselves? I felt quite shocked and as though my parenting had been judged and found to be deficient. Bit upset really.

OP posts:
sourpatchkid · 07/09/2018 23:24

I'd suggest she shows you the research because I suspect she's made it up. I can't link it because it's about a year since I last read it but I believe the research shows that if you co sleep with a child BECAUSE they've already got anxiety problems then it doesn't help. I believe it showed children who co slept not in response to a problem (like your daughter) actually have a more secure attachment that children who have never co slept

northernruth · 07/09/2018 23:25

She's telling you what she needs emotionally (your daughter) and you are providing that. My daughter is 11 and woke in the night regularly until about 2 years ago, if she'd had a nightmare either me or Dh would go in with her. A mate's boy who is the same age only just stopped sleeping in her bed last year when she had another baby. I thought she was bonkers (my dd smacks me in the face in her sleep if I'm in with her) but it's not my business and I know he's fine. Your daughter will be fine, and probably more confident knowing that she is completely supported by you. Your mate is a bit mean and needs to back off.

Starlight345 · 07/09/2018 23:25

Friends have opinions just don’t discuss it with her.

I am very close to my Ds . He co slept a long time but not now as he kicks and starfishes through the night.

I think it is the amount of 1-1 time he has however he also wants to separate to be with friends , scouts etc.

LellyMcKelly · 07/09/2018 23:26

I’m 50and I still get into bed with my mum when I’m at home. Your daughter is 7. She’s supposed to be dependent on you, and it sounds like you’re doing a terrific job and both you and she are happy. Let her sleep with you as long as you are both comfortable. There is great comfort and warmth to be had by cosleeping. It’s very soothing and relaxing. She’ll want her own space soon enough.

lborgia · 07/09/2018 23:34

Was your “friend” saying that your child is anxious, and that’s because you’re cosleeping? Or is she saying she will become anxious if you carry on?

Because you said she’s happy. EIther way it’s none of her business, but I just wondered if she was trying to find a reason for her current anxiety, still getting it wrong, mind.

My 5’7” teenager got into our bed this morning and announced he’d forgotten how awesome it was to sleep in there...I’m not starting again now! Grin

Haireverywhere · 07/09/2018 23:34

I agree there's nothing wrong with it. You know your DD.

I do like it when my (close and trusted) friends challenge me on parenting every now and then though as with them I know it comes from a good place even if I disagree with their opinion.

msspotty · 07/09/2018 23:35

LP since day one and have dd8. Co-slept entirely for 1st year. Just like you, I allow her to have the odd night. We are away at the minute and she is in with me now 😁
People who say it makes them too dependant on you are wrong in my experience. I feel that dd is secure and has been since day one not having been left alone in a room by herself. It's worked for us and even though her legs are getting long and taking up so much space I wouldn't change it. They grow up so fast. Enjoy these times 😊

Oakmaiden · 07/09/2018 23:40

I miss my children snuggling up in bed with me.

Although the 14 year old did climb in bed with me once over the holidays when she was feeling sad and her dad was working overnight. But my 13 year old never does any more. Funnily enough the eldest always preferred his own bed.

So... they do grow out of wanting to bed share. Sadly.

StinkyVonWinky · 07/09/2018 23:46

My DD spent lots of time going to sleep in my bed when she hit 7, then I or my DP would move her to her own bed once asleep. She's now eight, and hasn't done this for months. But if she did want to, I wouldn't bat an eyelid, nor would I worry about her having attachment issues. Ignore your friend. It's not her place to judge. Glad you've had lots of support so far.

cordeliavorkosigan · 07/09/2018 23:47

Even if "research" (and some supposed research on the internet really isn't research, it's anecdotal experiences and opinions of people with internet connections, some of whom have an agenda) showed an association between attachment issues and co-sleeping, that seems more likely to go the other way: dc wanting to co-sleep because they need more attachment, not needing attachment because they co-sleep. Correlation isn't causation.

OuiOuiMonAmi · 08/09/2018 00:06

Turn it round on your 'friend' - "Oh wow, you don't let your child sleep in your bed if they want to?! Shock"

Children who have their needs met are more likely to grow up to be emotionally secure, surely?

Lalliella · 08/09/2018 00:12

Your friend should MHOB. I have a DH and 2 DCs and younger DC would burrow her way onto our bed in between us until she was at least 8, maybe later I can’t quite remember. She’s 12 now and she doesn’t do it anymore, and I kind of miss it. Whatever works for you is right for you as a family. Not everyone has to be the same, no harm will be done. Enjoy the snuggles whilst they last.

petalflowercherrybomb · 08/09/2018 00:20

My mum was a single parent to me from when I was 5. It was always just me and her and yes I did occasionally sleep in her bed. I have always been anxious but not about being away from her/ being independent in fact I left home at 18 and haven't looked back. But she is my port in the storm, the calmness and love she gave me in childhood is something I'll always carry with me and nothing makes me feel more secure.

Don't listen to your friend. People who feign concern and use it as a stick to beat you with are the worst

thebeesknees123 · 08/09/2018 00:27

My DD was like this at 7. She was and still is an anxious child. I do not think letting her come into bed with me was the cause of it, though. She has always been like this and it's in her make up. It's a question of working with their anxieties so as not to make it worse.

People always have a theory as to why it is your fault. I often found that from parents of children completely different from mine. I always said to myself that they would not know what to do with themselves in.my situation and may well end up getting into the same habits.

In short, your friend simply doesn't understand and is not really trying to as she doesn't have much empathy

PookieDo · 08/09/2018 00:28

My DD16 still gets in my bed sometimes. I’m single and have been for a long time. We like it it’s kind of like a fun girly bonding thing sometimes
WE end up watching something or chatting
I don’t let it bother me i am glad we are close enough to do so on occasion

AjasLipstick · 08/09/2018 01:03

Oh OP it's fine! I have two DDs and the elder is the more anxious and she's never been one to co-sleep. My younger one is now ten and is always trying to get in bed with me....she's always been that way inclined.

DH and I laugh and say well she won't be doing it when she's 16....they do grow out of it OP.

My sister has a DD like this who is now 25 and still at home....good career...great friends and all that but still likes to lie on my sister's bed and watch a movie with her. That's her grown up version of co-sleeping I suppose. She goes to her own bed of course to sleep!

It's a lovely close relationship! Enjoy it.

happinessischocolate · 08/09/2018 09:13

I used to have both my kids in with me, sometimes as a Friday night treat, and other times just constantly or not at all. They're 17 & 15 now and haven't been in my bed for about 5 years

My DSis has kids the same age and has never allowed them into her bed, and used to think I was mad.

Enjoy it, I miss having them in here sometimes

Musicforthemasses18 · 08/09/2018 09:21

My DD 6 sleeps with me most of the time & my DS 10 does too sometimes (and would all the time if he could!) - I don’t see the issue. They are young & it makes them feel secure. It won’t last forever so my thought is to make the most of it now! It is a bit like musical beds in our house though!

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 08/09/2018 09:22

When my friends pass comment on my parenting, it often reflects some insecurity in their own parenting - eg "oh, you let him just take an apple when he wants? And then leave it half eaten? Hmmm." came from the friend whose child is overweight and eats Milkybar pots for breakfast because "it is the only milk he will take".

I just weigh it up (sometimes there is a useful nugget of truth in there) and take it for what it's worth.

LonelyandLost80 · 08/09/2018 09:32

Oh I wouldn’t worry OP! My mum often has the same opinion about my DS8, we disagree on this and kissing on the lips! 🙄

I’m a SP, have been since he was born and yes of course there is a different dynamic but neither way is right or wrong. He has always gone to bed in his own room without a fuss but often gets in my bed in the middle of the night. Now he’s back at school and into year 4 we have a deal that if he sleeps in his own bed all night during the school week he can stay in my bed on a Saturday night which seems to be working well.

Having spoke to several child psychologist (I have lots of dealings with them through work) and a couple of other SP’s who have been through similar they say that they just naturally grew out of it as the approaches the end of primary so I’m not worried!

bpisok · 08/09/2018 09:40

This post made me laugh. DD is nearly 17 and last night said "Can I come in for a cuddle" ....she climbed into bed and chatted incessantly at me until I told her to go away at about 12.30.
I was a single parent until she was about 10. She regularly hit in bed with me when she wanted to or went to her own bed when she didn't. I didn't think it was odd or a problem at all!!

We are very close and like each other's company (we still go on 'girls holidays'). She has lots of friends, stays at their houses and on holidays with their families and is very well grounded. She isn't clingy in the slightest 😀

..don't worry about it.

bpisok · 08/09/2018 09:41

*Got in bed, not hit in bed hahaha

YeTalkShiteHen · 08/09/2018 09:43

Inevitably at the weekend we wake up to find DD and DS2 curled up in our bed with us. I really don’t see the problem! DS1 used to do it when he was smaller too.

YeTalkShiteHen · 08/09/2018 09:43

He’s stopped of his own accord now btw, we never sent him away!

stoneriverpuddle · 08/09/2018 09:52

You know your child and if she is happy then continue doing it as a treat. On another note how does your daughter cope with not having a father in her life? Only asking for advice.