Dad, MIL & Christmas.

[Boyicantwait2beamumagain]

Sorry everyone but it's a Christmas thread just looking for some opinions, advice and suggestions really. Don't

Dh and I have a 2 year old dd and I am currently 18 weeks pregnant with DC2.

Since July MIL has been dropping Christmas into conversation I suspect in the hopes of pinning me and dh down. After last Christmas mil told me her and her dp would be spending it going away together but all that's changed and it seems as though she is spending it at her house with her dp along with bil and sil who will travel down. Bil and sil do not have any children at the moment through choice.

On dds first christmas 2 years ago we split the day between my dad and mil it was a total disaster as from the minute we arrived at my dad's house we were bombarded with texts and calls demanding us round to mils we really didnt enjoy the day at all.

Last year we the three of us spent Christmas just the 3 of us at home in our pjs I cooked a roast and we watched Christmas movies all day it was perfect absolutely loved that day.

Dad wasn't bothered he didn't drag us around as kids and didn't expect a visit he spent the day with my db who is disabled and lives with him and my uncle who lives alone. My mum died 5 years ago very suddenly my dad has never really gotten over it and as a result suffers a lot with anxiety.

Mil wasn't happy but mostly kept her opinions to herself but was sure to get a few comments in during the lead up to Christmas mostly blaming bil saying he just loves it when the family all get together and how he would love to see his neice on Christmas day seeing as he had travelled to be there. I said to mil while I did understand bil had come along way neither dh or I asked him to, he rarely talks to us the rest of the year and when he and sil have children of their own they probably would want to spend Christmas day privately with their children. It wasn't liked but that was the end of it they did their thing and we did ours. Dh has never been one for family get togethers we are private people.

So now the Christmas discussions have started again and me and dh already decided last Christmas that the private at home Christmas would be our thing from now on. (We see everyone else regularly atleast once a week apart from bil who doesn't live locally but also rarely responds to our texts) that our relatives could go 1 day of the year without seeing us.

Thing is each time it's mentioned by mil it's only herself she is concerned about us seeing and tries to pin us down to plans which take the whole day I've been quite firm and told mil no we want the day just the 3 of us but I did point out that if anyone was in need of visitors on christmas day it was actually my dad who lives with my db who has severe asd and who finds Christmas very difficult and sad since losing my mum. Mil will have her dp, her son and his wife already. Dh agreed with me totally and actually said he wouldn't mind spending some time on Christmas day with my dad. I've said I dont feel it is fair on mil but also as well as the guilt factor I will be heavily pregnant and if my last pregnancy is anything to go by probably won't be feeling my best (I ended up in hospital a few times with dd)

This isnt a mil bashing thread we get on really well just find sometimes she can be a little intrusive and when it comes to occasions and holidays tends to think of only what she and bil want to happen instead of taking everyone else into consideration.

Wibu to stick to my guns and say no we are having Christmas day just the 3 of us we will spend Christmas eve with 1 of them and boxing day with the other? If I had a bigger place I would invite everyone up to ours christmas day night but truth is none of our houses are big enough to host all those people plus this year in particular I think I'd struggle just because of the pregnancy.

As I say my dad is totally fine with it he said we need to make our own traditions as a family and he respects that he believes Christmas is a day for the kids to open and play with their presents in their pjs. Me and Dh were both brought up in this way so I'm not sure why mil is pushing us so hard to spend the day at hers.

I totally understand that one day I will be my mil in this scenario and honestly I'm okay with it. I want my kids to grow up and do what they want to do on those special days if that doesn't include me and Dh that is totally fine I'm happy at the idea of Christmas alone with dh.

Please stick to your guns, your Christmas last year sounds lovely and idyllic and it would be so nice to have a quiet cosy one while you enjoy your DD and look forward to your new arrival. The three of you are the most important people (four when new DC comes), don’t let MIL make this all about her, your plan to see her on Xmas eve or Boxing Day sounds very fair.

Also your poor Dad, who in many ways has far more reason to be ‘needy’ can appreciate you need this time as a family, so should she. Good luck and stick to your guns, great that DH agrees!

Stick to your guns & don’t let your mil guilt trip you. You’re being fair on both parents by having a day either side of xmas with them. On xmas day send xmas wishes in the morning and turn off your phone!

If your mil tries to guilt you just say but we’re looking forward to seeing xmas eve or Boxing Day, then change the subject straight away. If that doesn’t work just tell her, no we’ve decided to stay at home xmas, rinse & repeat.

In the kindest possible way, that is very in depth and incredibly long for a non problem. I skipped a lot but got the gist. Of course you aren't unreasonable to turn an offer down. It's annoying if the person asking you doesn't drop it but that's their decision. Just smile and nod, and be safe in the knowledge you get to spend Christmas how you prefer.

Yes, I agree that this is a non problem, just do what you wan't to do on the day. But really can't believe that people are talking about Christmas day as yet, when there are almost four months to go !!

Stick to your guns. Your little family comes first. Always.

hmmm, sorry, I disagree with the trend here, I am not saying you are being unreasonable necessarily, but I don't understand all this stuff about "our own little family" and "private Christmases" I think Christmas is about extended family, too, we are talking your children's Nana and Grandfather here not some far distant cousins.

Yes, true, Christmas is one day, but it is not "just" one day is it? it is a very special family day and exclusion from it says something about how you draw the boundaries. If it was "just" one day you would't care that much either.

I find it is very important for children to have a sense of extended family presence and research shows this is true. For example, children in countries like Greece and Italy have better overall welfare than children in the UK, and many researchers think it is partially because of family structures and closer ties with extended family.

Of course, you are right, it's your family and your decision, in that sense, YANBU, but surely you could compromise a bit? mix it around and do one year just you and one year with extended family?

YANBU. It's not like you are going NC and there are other days in December to get together with family.

I’m going to sit firmly on the fence and say, you should have your little christmas this year, seeing relatives on the days either side, and promise her that next year she can see all of you. Both children will be older and in a routine, and you won’t be pregnant and ill.

Meanwhile, you are staying put, home alone, for your health, for your DC1 to have a christmas with you all to themselves, and to just rest. If you do suddenly have to be admitted for a day or two, that would just muck up her plans good and proper, so you're actually doing them a favour

Why can't you have your PJ and roast day on Boxing Day? I agree wwith missperegrinespeculiar here, it's so awful when close family members say you aren't part of the family. My DB and SIL do this occasionally. Once I was stayng at their house for a day or two (I lived in another city at the time and was visiting) and I was asked to leave the house on Sunday morning so they could have their weekly 'family time'. I felt so hurt that on a rare occasion that I visit that I wasn't considered part of the family.
Don't exclude people at Christmas.
You say you would be fine with just DH at Christmas, but what if, god forbid, your DH was to pass away? Would you be okay on your own if your kids just wanted a 'PJ' day at christmas?

oh my god, whatwouldyoubelikeat28, that was really quite mean of them! had it been me, having a sibling over would feel special and make family time all the more meaningful

do your DB and DSIL have kids? is that what they want to teach them about sibling relationships? I try and help mine to be as close as possible and support each other, for what I can

I find it is very important for children to have a sense of extended family presence

I doubt they won't have that, whatever that means not like OP only sees MIL + Co only at Christmas. Plus for OP her daughter's first Christmas wasn't a great experience as detailed in the post.

Why can't you have your PJ and roast day on Boxing Day?

OP wants to have it on Christmas Day. Which is completely reasonable. Having read the full post - MIL comes off as a bit "me me me" with all the calls and texts, and BIL doesn't actually seem bothered if he never responds to texts the rest of the year.

OP decided her Christmas plans nine months ago, and considering that she sees the rest of the family once a week I think she is completely within reason to have Christmas alone with DH and DD - after all, the new year will be a hectic time with a toddler and new baby.

OP, YANBU

YANBU. Your plans sound lovely.

I don't understand all this stuff about "our own little family" and "private Christmases" I think Christmas is about extended family, too, we are talking your children's Nana and Grandfather here not some far distant cousins.
If Christmas is about extended family for you, then that's fine and I genuinely hope you enjoy Christmas with your extended family. It doesn't have to be the same for everybody. Lots of people prefer a quiet Christmas day with their immediate family and that's ok too.

You are including your dad and your MIL in Christmas by offering to spend Christmas Eve and Boxing Day with them. That should be enough to keep everybody concerned happy.

Honestly, I feel bit sorry for your father. He sounds like a good man, of course he is not going to tell you he feels disappointed that he wont see you or his grandchild on Christmas.

Personally, I would make the effort to go see my parent. It is Christmas, and Christmas is for family and I still class my parents/siblings as close family.

Of course you need do what right for YOU but just giving another view.

We have always had Christmas at home. Both DH and I were dragged from pillar to post as children on Christmas Day and HATED it! We’d been bought lots of lovely toys but both had to choose one or two to take with us and then basically had to wait until the 28th before we could play with (and sometimes open) the rest of our presents! All because of adult family “traditions” that couldn’t be deviated from.

Anyone who wants to visit and see us or our children on Christmas Day is very welcome and in more recent year’s MIL has had Christmas lunch with us but we won’t move from our house! We do then venture out on Boxing Day and spend time with extended family.

Stick to your guns OP and do what is best for you and your children.

See your MiL on Christmas Eve to get it out the way and then you can enjoy Christmas day alone.

We always had Christmas day alone as ds1 found it overwhelming (ASD) and we then had everyone Boxing day for a buffet that everyone contributed too.

See your Dad on Boxing Day.

Yes, stick to your guns. We did and never regretted it. After a while everyone will get used to the pattern (Christmas eve/boxing day = visitor friendly,, Christmas day = is yours). By setting clear boundaries and managing expectations now you are saving yourself from a world of hassle later as the dc grow The outcome is a more relaxed Christmas all round and when you see family on Christmas eve/boxing day you’ll be able to do so with a good heart.

Stick to your guns!! We used to do the same as you, split the day and after having our youngest it was just too much bloody hard work. We spent it at home last year and will be doing that every year now. Your DC will want to be at home playing with their presents, not spending the day in the car driving between houses and then having to sit through others opening their presents or eating 3 Christmas dinners in one day.

I have to say that despite both my mum and my dad coming from large families with lots of siblings, we always spent Christmas Day at home just the four of us. We did see family around Christmas time but never the day itself.

I’m a bit ‘foot in either camp’ on this one as I think it’s fine to see extended family on Christmas Eve say, or Boxing Day rather than Christmas Day itself...but at the same time, I do so hate the selfish smuggery and exclusion of ‘our own little family’. It’s an insular and blinkered stance to take because one day circumstances will change and the little family will be spending Christmas and other occasions with their own little family and their spouse’s families and places other than with mum and dad...and I’ll wager that most parents would love to be included and considered at that point, particularly if they find themselves alone.

Compromise and balance I’d say. Ideally it’s one year your lot, next year his lot, the year after that on your own...and rotate.

I feel sorry for your MIL. Are you saying that you’re planning to do this every year and she’ll never see her son and grandchildren on Christmas Day? It’s all very well to say that your Dad’s fine with this arrangement, and that you’d be fine with it when you’re in her position. The point is that she’s not fine with it - and understandably so! Most people do see family on Christmas Day. Yes she’s got BIL and SIL, but the really special day is for young children.

Stick to your guns if you wish. It’s your decision. But I think you would be unkind to do so.

How about a compromise - one Christmas every three years with your Dad, one with MIL and one with just you and DH and the DC?

Stuck to your guns. You will be very pregnant with a two year old, you are allowed to be a grown up and choose how you want to spend Christmas day. Ignore the 'its allllllll abooout the famileeeee' guilt trippers. That is their choice and right for them.

Your MIL sounds demanding and as a poster above said 'me, me, me'. She wants to be surrounded by everyone and hang what everyone else. Where is the 'family christmas' in that. She is arranging HER own Christmas and expects everyone to fall in line.

Being badgered with texts whilst at your Dads would have annoyed me. Your Dad sounds as if he could do with a visit or a break from the norm and yet he is the magnanimous one here.

Your MIL will have a family Christmas with her other son. You can speak, Facetime or skype on the day and we them boxing day. Sort this our now, so its all settled and don't budge or be badgered.

Good luck OP.

I’m in complete support of having a family Xmas at home. I personally feel Christmas is all about the kids and I think it’s a bit unfair to say “oh look at all these nice new toys” then drag them out away from them without them really getting the chance to enjoy them. My parents were the same when we were kids, although we always had extended family over in the morning or evening for a few hours (not for the actual Xmas dinner, just to see everyone)

I think OPs Christmas plans sound lovely and it’s how we do Xmas in our house

(Although again, in laws will come over for breakfast (they live round the corner) then my side come in the evening and stay over as they live further away

By all means draw up some boundaries, but I do think you should find time to see your father and disabled brother on Christmas day. Christmas is very difficult for the bereaved.

You do sound a bit selfish TBH. Christmas is a time for families, and of course grandparents will want to see their grandchildren. I think that (within reason) you should facilitate that.

In the kindest possible way, that is very in depth and incredibly long for a non problem

I think the OP was probably trying to avoid people coming on and doing the "you don't really like your MIL very much do you " response by setting out all of the detail.

OP, I did have to laugh when I saw the bit about your BIL wanting you all together. Really, BIL is desperate to see his brother (no offence, but I don't see a 30 year old childless bloke being heartbroken at missing the opportunity to play with his 2yo niece, and if he was desperate to see you, I'd be swerving him in the interests of marital harmony) and rather than, say, arranging to meet up on the way home for a couple of days/go out for drinks/come over for a relaxed post-Christmas dinner, he instead leans on his mum to try and get his DB to come over with his 2yo child and highly pregnant wife after they said they have different plans? What?

It's the preposterousness of the supporters they choose that really makes this influencing method as fun as it is. "I was down the hairdresser's and I told her about that new job you're taking and she was really surprised! She thought your old job sounded much more interesting! I mean, I told her that you knew what you were doing, but..."

We had similar OP. Spent Christmas with my DPs, Boxing Day and the day immediately after were DH's family. DH had a cold and was a complete arse for most of Christmas Day. MIL didn't bombard us with a guilt about not being there, but we had a set time and were not to arrive before. Thanks to bad traffic we arrived later and that was also bad. Clear from the get go we weren't welcome despite it being their idea. BIL and SIL, apparently so desperate to see the DC, were rude AF to us all. Was so horrible we didn't attend the day after so missed DH's wider and nice family.

Since then we have a day for my DPs, the larger family gathering of his family only so we can hide in numbers and Christmas Day is ours alone.

Having said that down the years I've realised BIL he's around more than SIL really does want to see the DC. Without us. He doesn't give a crap whether we exist, including his brother (who he didn't even contact whilst DH was very ill in hospital even by text despite being in a house very close to the hospital itself). Its sad as DH hasn't quite realised this and its horrible to watch.

We have always split the day but geographically it can be a logistical nightmare.

This is how my children's Christmas day pans out every year. Now we love it but you can see where there are issues when the children are young.

Wake up at home open presents from us. Have breakfast a bit of a play then into the car. Drive to my family for Christmas 1 hour away (previously 3 hours away.)

Have Christmas lunch there, open presents after lunch and get a teeny bit of play time with those presents, but you can't really unpack anything in case it gets left behind.

Then drive over to Dh's family for 3pm ish, open presents and have some nibbles there to tide us over. When the children were very young of course we couldn't stay too long because it is over an hours drive back and they fall asleep in the car which causes issues for us when we get back home.

So Christmas day is spent without them actually playing with the toys they get, just leaving them at home or loading them into the boot of the car.

They are now at secondary school but it was a difficult thing to understand as young children. Boxing day is ours, stay in pyjamas and play with gifts.

Stay home, establish the Christmas you want with Dh.