Dad, MIL & Christmas.

[Boyicantwait2beamumagain]

Sorry everyone but it's a Christmas thread just looking for some opinions, advice and suggestions really. Don't

Dh and I have a 2 year old dd and I am currently 18 weeks pregnant with DC2.

Since July MIL has been dropping Christmas into conversation I suspect in the hopes of pinning me and dh down. After last Christmas mil told me her and her dp would be spending it going away together but all that's changed and it seems as though she is spending it at her house with her dp along with bil and sil who will travel down. Bil and sil do not have any children at the moment through choice.

On dds first christmas 2 years ago we split the day between my dad and mil it was a total disaster as from the minute we arrived at my dad's house we were bombarded with texts and calls demanding us round to mils we really didnt enjoy the day at all.

Last year we the three of us spent Christmas just the 3 of us at home in our pjs I cooked a roast and we watched Christmas movies all day it was perfect absolutely loved that day.

Dad wasn't bothered he didn't drag us around as kids and didn't expect a visit he spent the day with my db who is disabled and lives with him and my uncle who lives alone. My mum died 5 years ago very suddenly my dad has never really gotten over it and as a result suffers a lot with anxiety.

Mil wasn't happy but mostly kept her opinions to herself but was sure to get a few comments in during the lead up to Christmas mostly blaming bil saying he just loves it when the family all get together and how he would love to see his neice on Christmas day seeing as he had travelled to be there. I said to mil while I did understand bil had come along way neither dh or I asked him to, he rarely talks to us the rest of the year and when he and sil have children of their own they probably would want to spend Christmas day privately with their children. It wasn't liked but that was the end of it they did their thing and we did ours. Dh has never been one for family get togethers we are private people.

So now the Christmas discussions have started again and me and dh already decided last Christmas that the private at home Christmas would be our thing from now on. (We see everyone else regularly atleast once a week apart from bil who doesn't live locally but also rarely responds to our texts) that our relatives could go 1 day of the year without seeing us.

Thing is each time it's mentioned by mil it's only herself she is concerned about us seeing and tries to pin us down to plans which take the whole day I've been quite firm and told mil no we want the day just the 3 of us but I did point out that if anyone was in need of visitors on christmas day it was actually my dad who lives with my db who has severe asd and who finds Christmas very difficult and sad since losing my mum. Mil will have her dp, her son and his wife already. Dh agreed with me totally and actually said he wouldn't mind spending some time on Christmas day with my dad. I've said I dont feel it is fair on mil but also as well as the guilt factor I will be heavily pregnant and if my last pregnancy is anything to go by probably won't be feeling my best (I ended up in hospital a few times with dd)

This isnt a mil bashing thread we get on really well just find sometimes she can be a little intrusive and when it comes to occasions and holidays tends to think of only what she and bil want to happen instead of taking everyone else into consideration.

Wibu to stick to my guns and say no we are having Christmas day just the 3 of us we will spend Christmas eve with 1 of them and boxing day with the other? If I had a bigger place I would invite everyone up to ours christmas day night but truth is none of our houses are big enough to host all those people plus this year in particular I think I'd struggle just because of the pregnancy.

As I say my dad is totally fine with it he said we need to make our own traditions as a family and he respects that he believes Christmas is a day for the kids to open and play with their presents in their pjs. Me and Dh were both brought up in this way so I'm not sure why mil is pushing us so hard to spend the day at hers.

I totally understand that one day I will be my mil in this scenario and honestly I'm okay with it. I want my kids to grow up and do what they want to do on those special days if that doesn't include me and Dh that is totally fine I'm happy at the idea of Christmas alone with dh.

Besides which why do people guilt and push others to attend when they don't want too? I have much better Christmases when SIL doesn't feel forced to come as she sits there all moody. She likes privacy, she is introverted, i respect that. We have fun on new years instead.

I think OP should spend Christmas the way she & DH want, particularly since DDad is in agreement and since OP sees all of them regularly (except BIL who can't be arsed at any point and probably has no idea that MIL is claiming he wants a family Christmas!). And for all those claiming that Christmas is meant to be all about extended family, well no actually it's supposed to be about celebrating the birth of Christ. As you're no doubt ignoring that bit as you invite 2nd cousin twice removed over, then I think it's fine for OP to spend it with DH & DD if she wants. She's not forgetting the rest of her family, she's merely choosing to prioritise the ones she lives with.
Personally the idea of pjs, roast & films sounds amazing to me.

Me and Dh were both brought up in this way so I'm not sure why mil is pushing us so hard to spend the day at hers

OP, so your MIL had private Christmases at home with just her DH & DC? No grandparents or extended family?

When i see parents who moan about not seeing adult dc i wonder if they still see there parents on christmas day? Because that could get messy if a lot are still alive.

My parents are each one of three children and when all our grandparents were alive they almost used to fight with their siblings over who got the parents over Christmas. We more or less took it in turns. Some years we spent Christmas with one set of grandparents who had a big house and lived far away. (They used to invite other more distant elderly relatives who otherwise would have been alone and we all had a ball together.) Other years we had the other set of grandparents stay with us in our smaller house. Some years both sets of grandparents were elsewhere and we just had a quiet Christmas to ourselves.

I think not being fixated on doing the same thing every year is helpful. You don't have to see everybody every year. Just see everybody every few years and make sure that no one is left out.

We made a rule at the outset that we have a 3 year rotation for Christmas. One year my parents, one year year with in laws, one year at home on our own. Told everyone that is how it was going to work, no debate, everyone's happy.

I feel for you OP.

A magical shine has been out on Christmas since having kids, but it is preceded by a cloud in the lead up to it, as we never seem to be able to please everyone.

We wound up visiting both sets of parents the first year, with mega hints being dropped about spending the evening together at PILs as they lived within decent walking distance of us. We never went to my parents for our meal, as we normally would, because MIL made some snide comment about us always being at my parents house on Christmas Day, well we always eat there, having only been to PILs once for our meal but that first year we visited everyone then went home just the three of us, sounds cosy and lovely but I was tired from all the visiting, as was DC and then started cooking, there was just something missing.

I have to say, it is one of the best, and not so great Christmases I have had, and ever since then it's hung over me whenever it's that time of year.

I decided thereon in, no visiting on Christmas Day, if people wanted to see us and the kids, they could come to us, I did invite PILs to stay for dinner, as well as my parents, but they dilly dallied, and in the end never came, they have other kids other than DH and I think they were worried that some might not go if they all came to ours - so all that hoo ha for nothing, they never join us, and I don't think they ever will, it seems to have to all be on their terms.

I now think it would be amazing to have the day to ourselves all cosied and snuggled up, but the reality is, I suck it up, because I think that the Christmases will come when they're no longer here, and I'll wish they were. It may just be one day, but it's so much more than that.

We have always offered, since we declared we were having Christmas Day at home, that family were always welcome to visit. DH has offered to do the ferrying (I can't drive). Its never been taken up, even popping round for a cup of tea. Our house is small but it could accommodate a few more people for a few hours. DPs would rather complain how miserable they are alone despite having other family around and my sister who lives a few roads away and always spends some times with them. ILs go off to other family or have them around.

This year we downgraded our dining table from one that could fit multiple family members to a small one that suits us 4 and the extra space is now a play area for the DC. There was no point in having it there taking up space when its never being used.

I dont mean to paint mil in such a bad light because honestly she doesn't deserve that either. I do believe her when she says it's bil that wants the big family Christmas. She doesn't get to see bil very often so when he does come down for a visit everything is about him and what he wants but I've nevrr been happy to drop it all and go running for someone who doesn't bother with us any other time I like seeing him as does dh but we don't put ourselves out either our dd is lucky to even receive a birthday card from them on time and they never send anything to our address despite knowing it and we always send stuff directly to them I kind of think bil and sil treat me and dh a little bit like children despite me being actually the same age as both of them. They also have form for being quite intrusive during really personal private moments. Despite not knowing me at all really they invited themselves to stay with us the day after dd was born and when came and took her out of her moses basket and put her in the bed with them they meant well but it made me feel a bit stabby at the time. I'm not saying this to drip feed as it's all in the past and we have moved on from those incidents but just to get the point across their quite inconsistent when it comes to interest in us or dd.

God I'd hate when I'm older to feel like my kids didn't really want me there and were just doing it out of duty ... I'd rather eat on my own than it be like that . I feel for u OP, we have my DM (whom I love to bits ), and my step dad who is a pain in the ass, and I'd much rather it just be us 4 but i haven't got the heart to tell her so we just have to put up with him .

If one of them was genuinely on their own then that would be different if course but their not mil has atleast 3 people to spend the day with and dad has 2 including my brother im satisfied nobody is on their own or will have a miserable time if I thought for 1 second any of them would be by themselves which ever one it was I would insist on them coming to us as we could seat and feed 1 maybe 2 at a push I just dont agree with dragging dd around and away from her presents. As i say if I could have them all I absolutely would I like hosting people.

Then I completely agree u should do it the way u want , especially with another little one on the way , spend a special Christmas with your daughter , no stress xx

We love having people here for Christmas. My parents used to come on Christmas Eve and stayed for a week. My son (single) sometimes comes, sometimes doesn't. We don't see any of my stepchildren on the day itself but we have "our" Christmas Day every year on the 27th. The two boys will always be "our little family", my stepdaughter is completely the opposite and has announced that her house will always be open to anyone who wants to go, she's the only one who sees it the way we do.

Having said all that, who wants to schlep all over the country on Christmas Day, definitely not me.

Op I really feel for you.

It must have been deeply hurtful when your Mil ruined your time with your dad and your disabled brother so soon after his bereavement and the loss of your mum.

I the type of person if I was your Mil to be making it clear that you all have a lovely day and fit us in on whatever day you could. I would also have made up a little hamper for your dad etc.

It's staggering how cold and thoughtless some people can be. But I have experienced the exact same thing with my in laws. I had never come across such selfish people who literally do not care one jot for others at all.

It's hard op because it sounds like you do have empathy and you do feel guilty and you do want to be fair and your poor dad does too. But Mil is missing these qualities and turning what could be equally shared pleasant day into a nasty shit show.

I would do your own thing including popping into your dad's who makes no demands on you, don't tell Mil and see her day after.

Yup, stick to your guns. I’ve always spent Christmas Day at home with my DC and that’s not going to change for the foreseeable future. There’s always time before and after Christmas to see relatives.

I'm glad the majority of people here can see where I am coming from I did start to wonder for a minute if I was being unreasonable but the more I thought about it the more I really didn't think I was if I was giving one preferentual treatment i would totally get that wouldn't be on at all as neither one of them would deserve that. I think I'm going to stick to my guns and just keep repeating when asked again. I just hope mil didnt decide on not going away in the hopes that we would change our minds as I dont want to disappoint her further.

I think your dad does deserve preferential treatment though. But do what you want ultimately

Yeah i see what you're saying and maybe you're right but again he is pretty happy with his own plans at Christmas that involve my uncle he calls it his boys day so i wouldn't want him to feel we are forcing ourselves on him because we feel sorry for him last thing he would want is to feel like everyone pitys him if he asked I know my dh would be there in a shot because he is very close to my dad as am i.

I stopped worrying about Christmas and my extended family years ago. To avoid disappointment. I don't make plans. DH and I have the day on our own more often than not. I very happy without the usual family drama. I can't please everyone, so I please myself. Stick to your guns OP.

I doubt your bil actually gives a damn. It's your mils tactic to make you feel guilty. He probably doesn't want to be there either, but goes to shut her up.

Your dad is more in need of company than her. She doesn't need the entire family over for the whole day. Sod her.

Last year we the three of us spent Christmas just the 3 of us at home in our pjs I cooked a roast and we watched Christmas movies all day it was perfect absolutely loved that day

I don't get this. I mean, you could do that literally any day from November onwards. There is nothing special about it. You can do that like every sunday if that;s your bag.

@discounttent - no, you usually can’t do that as weekends are busy with kids hobbies, tutors, shopping, cleaning and so on. Christmas day is one day when you can ignore all that.

We have done our share of extended family Christmases but for several years now we’ve spent it at home with just us and kids and it has been a bliss. And I’m planning to keep it that way.

The run up to Christmas is always so hectic with many Social oblications and whilst I enjoy it all, I love the fact I can relax with my family on the big day.

OP YANBU, there’s not a right or wrong, you are allowed to make decisions for your family without any guilttripping. It sounds like your dad is quite happy with his Christmas Day plans and Mil and Bil are adults too and therefore responsible for their own feelings.

To be fair you can get together for a good old fashioned roast any time of the year too. That's what I do with my family as the drive is rather grim around Christmas.

*no, you usually can’t do that as weekends are busy with kids hobbies, tutors, shopping, cleaning and so on. Christmas day is one day when you can ignore all that

Only of that is what you CHOOSE to do with your weekends. Tutors and hobbies every sunday?
You can ignore all that any time you desire to do so. Seems to me that Xmas day is the one day of the year to spend with family and not alone.

I am quite shocked about all this "Christmas is for extended family " That's how you guarantee everyone has a rubbish time. You should attend to your own family and any family members who might be on their own or lonely. By all means, have a meet up with the others on Boxing Day or any day you please. Once you have your own children, many families want to stay at home and have their own day and not be part of the big stuff which many people hate. If you live near relatives, pop in for a drink and present exchange. Doesn't have to be the whole day. If you have a parent on their own or an old relative, do whatever works. There is far too much pressure put on young families to attend. What I really hate is the blackmail of Christmas is for families. According to who exactly! My family is far too big I would rather see them all separately

You're prettily easily shocked.